In shock, should he leave?

[Ialwaysthoughtitwasadojo]

Sorry if this is a bit muddled, I’m honestly in shock. We’d actually been getting on better recently, he was finally making an effort, and then today he suddenly announced he wanted out, and doesn't see a long term future with me.

We’ve been together 12 years, two DC still at home, 7 and 9. The marriage had been hard because he gets incredibly grumpy, makes no effort, but we had been going to therapy and I thought things were getting better. We've just had a wonderful week away together.

So first of all, I'm feeling blind sided, has anyone had this? I feel so torn like I should try and save it. My therapist did say he was emotionally abusive, so I probably need to give my head a wobble. I thought maybe she was over reacting.

Also, he doesn't want to leave. He wants to stay in the house for 6/7 months if needed, whilst we figure things out! I can't do that. I can't pretend we're ok, it will be so much harder to get over! He's the one that wants out and works away all the time, can I ask him to leave? I'm primary carer, pick up all the slack and work from home.

Why did you miss a meeting because he decided to opt out and go running? It's difficult but you have to be strong and set firmer boundaries. He's still dictating and literally running rings around you.
Good luck with the mediation.

I know what you mean, but had I done that then there would be no-one in the house with the kids! Unfortunately, he is still running rings around me, the positive thing is that each day it affects me less and less thank goodness.

I want to try and bring some of this stuff up in mediation so there's a third party there and he can't be a twat then, well it's less likely, he likes to be charming.

For goodness sake, why don’t you pre-empt some of this behaviour and go out first?

I expect OP isn't a mind reader. He's probably not announcing he's going out in time for OP to leave the house first.

nothing to add, but following updates and willing you strength.

the bastard

I know what you mean, but had I done that then there would be no-one in the house with the kids!

That's his problem when it's his days. I get its hard but you aren't doing yourself any favours by picking up after him. On your days off just go out and work from a coffee shop or something. Let him figure it out.

He left at 5am! I was due to drive to Manchester for a meeting and simply couldn't leave the children with no adult. I genuinely didn't think he'd for a run at 5am, he barely went when we were together at all!

Thank you, I look back to my earlier posts when I didn't know which way was up and all the support I had on here, to help me get through it. I'm by no means all sorted, but it does feel like it's moving forward now at least. It's been so helpful to get other people's experiences as well, as I don't know too many people irl going through divorce... I guess they'll come as I get older, but everyone seems happily (or unhappily) married at the moment!

Did he know about your meeting?

Did he know about the meeting? If he is going to pull shit like this, and you now know he will, then do not let him know your schedule on "his" days. There is no reason for him to know because it's not relevant. I know it's really hard for you that you can't predict how he's going to be a dick next. All you can do is firefight and try and cut off each new avenue of control as he tries them.

If he is going to pull shit like this, and you now know he will, then do not let him know your schedule on "his" days.

I'm not sure that's a good idea. If he doesn't know your schedule he could then use this in his defence, by claiming that if he didn't know of your existing commitments he couldn't be expected to take account of them.

Did he know about the meeting, it looks like a deliberate act or at best very coincidentally. Absolutely bring this up in mediation. On his days he needs to act as if you are not there at all!!!

I think you have to have a go bag... all ready the night before his shift starts, clothes etc all ready. get up early and make sure you leave early in the morning. Have breakfast out of the house.
Don't tell him. Just do it.
He doesn't get info on your plans on your own days off.
Otherwise he will never start organising his time with the dc.

He's just imposing on you and getting away with it.

And while he's being super charming with the mediator, I'd be tempted to say "If only you were this charming and polite when I try to speak to you about arrangments. "

Show him up.

Oh sorry. I see he left at 5.00 am. Not so easy to get the jump on him, but I think he deliberately ballsed up your meeting

Good luck in mediation OP.

Even if he left at 5am he must have known it was his day? Did he arrange childcare? Did he know you were going to a meeting? Who goes for a run at 5am? I think you need to be more assertive and say it's your day tomorrow, i've organised time away so won't be here to pick anything up for the kids, make sure you are available.

Or if you can go the night before and leave him to it.

@Ialwaysthoughtitwasadojo your twat of a STBXH did this purposefully. He is sabotaging both your career and your time. He thinks he CAN dictate terms.

I hope that the mediator is okay…really consider tandem mediation? Call WA for advice on his behaviour.

He’s doing this to ware you down, to get what he wants and for you to ultimately give in.

I agree with PP, why does he need to know of your work schedule? Next time be very vague fib so that he has difficulty in sabotaging it.

He is aware that your Achilles heel are your DC and manipulates you because of it.

That could also be used in the reverse. He went for an ad hoc run on one of his days - whether or not he knew about your meeting - he cannot be allowed to do things like this to his children when they are in his care. Definitely another thing in your favour.
OP I've been following this thread since the start - you sound much more in control of your emotions and how he is behaving is just making him look even more coercive and uncooperative.

What a bastard. Surely he did it as sabotage??

Did you call him to tell him to come back when you realised? He is not showing himself to be capable

But he doesn’t have to know the ops commitments on his days unless he has specifically arranged for her to care for them. Otherwise it shouldn’t matter if she’s here or on the other side of the country, it’s dad’s time.

I'm not sure how you're recording these events of DH failing on 'his days' but I'd be tempted to send him a message as soon as you realise he's gone out, so you can't. Ask him to to return home at once becuase it is his day, he is absent and this has impacted on your work schedule which was arranged around his day for looking after the childre. You'll have a written, time stamped message of his failure. He'll know that this is now a matter of record, which is much more likely to make him behave than any reasonable thing you might say to him. He's been fully informed in writitng about the impact of his absence on the day he was reasponsible. It formalises things, which is what's needed.

im in the same position OP. professionally I was badass. im devastated.

I'm so sorry to hear this, it's bloody hard. It's no reflection of us that they've worn us down, it's the boiled frog analogy! Professionally I would't let stuff like this happen!

Thank you! Mediation went pretty badly, he wouldn't agree to anything. Couldn't show me how he would do 50/50, just wants me to fit around his work still. The mediator did try and get him to see my point of view, but he wouldn't.

He doesn't think I do much child admin/care, compared to him. Again mediator tried to get him to see sense!

The mediator did also have to tell him to stop interrupting me, I was so glad she saw him like that.

So basically no further forward, he still won't leave, I'm still having to be available whenever he says, I'm going to speak to my solicitor and see what I can do.

I'm making sure I document the lot, there's pages of it!