In shock, should he leave?

[Ialwaysthoughtitwasadojo]

Sorry if this is a bit muddled, I’m honestly in shock. We’d actually been getting on better recently, he was finally making an effort, and then today he suddenly announced he wanted out, and doesn't see a long term future with me.

We’ve been together 12 years, two DC still at home, 7 and 9. The marriage had been hard because he gets incredibly grumpy, makes no effort, but we had been going to therapy and I thought things were getting better. We've just had a wonderful week away together.

So first of all, I'm feeling blind sided, has anyone had this? I feel so torn like I should try and save it. My therapist did say he was emotionally abusive, so I probably need to give my head a wobble. I thought maybe she was over reacting.

Also, he doesn't want to leave. He wants to stay in the house for 6/7 months if needed, whilst we figure things out! I can't do that. I can't pretend we're ok, it will be so much harder to get over! He's the one that wants out and works away all the time, can I ask him to leave? I'm primary carer, pick up all the slack and work from home.

This is a great idea, he does sometimes need to get up very early for work, so this would work well. Well played that cat... could I borrow it?!

The cooking thing is hard, as we're sharing the food shop still and meal planning for the kids, so whoever has them just cooks for everyone that night! He is lactose intolerant so I have been making them without milk/cheese etc, but I'm suddenly in the mood for a giant cheese pizza!

Thanks for sharing, it's really helpful to hear real life experiences. I am keen to move quickly, and we do both want mediation to lead to our solicitors drawing things up and agreeing.

I think as long as the mediator puts him off court enough, i.e. it's very expensive, a judge will give you a worse deal than this, then I think he will agree. once it's all sorted can we go ahead and sell/buy someone out? We don't need to wait for the divorce to be final?

Perhaps it’s time to stop meal prepping and sharing the shop and just cook for you and the kids instead. You are separating, so separate. If life is no longer comfortable it will encourage him to leave. Resign yourself to cooking each night, you will be doing so soon anyway.

Love this.
Hide stuff of his but never let on at all that you are doing it, his phone charger, quietly give some of his favourite clothes items to a charity shop.
Has he a car?
A friends cousin did this when she found out her boyfriend was screwing a colleague.

Leave his driver side car window open on a really wet night.
Also put milk in a spray bottle and lightly sprayed all the car seats of his precious car.
The inexplicable stench drove him mad.

While he left his phone unattended she put a little water in the phone, making sure it did not leak anything.
His expensive phone strangely died after suddenly being on the blink.
She never pretended anything, just ended things with him because she was no longer feeling it.

He was distraught over the car and when she ran into him a year later he was still talking about it.
Valeting it made no difference.

By far the best part was him not knowing.

@Sunnydaystoday just incredible! 🤌🏼🤌🏼

God I felt bad when I didn't get the bread he likes in the shop, I need to be more like your friend's cousin!

I mean, you don’t want to give him an excuse to be more unpleasant than he is being, but equally he needs to feel the effects of his decision to end the marriage. So I would say that for one week, he is responsible for the kids. You are responsible for you. So keep a set of dishes for yourself in your room or your car, which you use and take away again. Maybe be nice enough to allow him the kitchen when he would normally cook for the DC, stay right out of it. Ideally eat somewhere else. Don’t get involved in any household tasks that week apart from your own laundry and tidying your bedroom. Stay in the bedroom as much as you can. Do nothing at all in term of childcare, lifts, etc- explain to them that as it’s daddy’s week he is going to look after them completely (of course they can still hang out with you, but you can’t do anything for them if it would make his life easier. You could make a game of it for them or play on the fact that he needs the practice). No housework. As much as if you were physically not there. Go out early, be back late.

Record how he does.

The next week you can equally exclude him from cooking and laundry, but make it clear that your use of the kitchen for the dc is the priority.

How else does he expect to get 50:50!?

Years ago one of my friends was getting a lift home with a bit of shopping from another friend, whn we were all single.
Unfortunately her milk leaked a bit, not much, just a bit.
It was absorbed into the flooring and she didn't actually realise.
Within a couple of days the girl who owned the car was getting the smell.
Then the sun came out and the smell was atrocious.
It was so bad.
Car valeting didn't get rid of it. It helped, but it was still there, especially when the car was hot.

Can you imagine the smell of a spray over the seats.
Pure evil genius.

Even though this man deserves to have his car stink forevermore & his expensive devices watered (etc). I still wouldn't take revenge, it will bind him to you.

We're sort of trying to do this at the moment, but I need to keep stepping in otherwise home work wouldn't get done, kids don't go to clubs, and they go to school with dirty shoes.

I feel like this thread is bringing out the best in people 😂

But those things have to become his problem on his time. He has to be shown incompetent or that 50:50 is impossible and you won’t have that evidence if you help him out and make it your problem. You won’t be there when he finally does bugger off, he has to learn. And make it clear to the kids (factually not subjectively) that it’s dad who is in charge this week so any issues go to him.

Keep notes, don't help him.
If you do keep stepping in, it doesn't help him see the reality of all you do.

Brutal, but necessary and better for your children in the long run.

Although your children may suffer a bit i would stop stepping in.

Get a calendar and note who is responsible for your children that week - agree that when it's your week you sort activities, homework, do washing etc. and when it's his week he does it all.

If he doesn't pick the activities up or do the washing etc. just leave it, say nothing.

When the teacher says the kids homework isn't done tell him it's his responsibility on his weeks, tell him he is the adult and needs to step up and parent his children - you aren't responsible for what he does here on in.

I second this.
There's no need to fiddle about putting itching powder into his best suit etc.
Keep the moral high ground whilst keeping a very careful record of everything that happens so that you have everything you need to build a case against him in the future.

I really think he's ticking a lot of boxes for narcissism tbh from his arrogance and his thinking he's the better parent despite not even being around for a third of the year, to his lack of empathy or remorse, to his controlling behaviour and the manipulation.

What he did with the lovely holiday and then dropping the bomb shell that he was leaving was designed to let you know what you were losing IMO. It was to mess with your head and make you desperately want to try - because he would thrive on your desperation to be with him. You begging him to stay based on how lovely the holiday was would be everything he'd ever want.

By telling you that you're not happy with him he is making the break up your fault and absolving himself of any blame or responsibility. I expect he is always the victim and doesn't take responsibility for anything. I doubt he is ever wrong.

You're a pawn to him, useful or not useful, but you need to know your place. You were getting a bit too successful and you need to know that he is the superior one. Something had to be done to bring you back down.

I'm not sure this is going how he intended it to go though tbh. It wouldn't surprise me at all if he saw himself 'punishing you' for a while to get you back in your place while you begged him to reconcile and then him saying that actually he'd decided he would allow you to get back with him and you'd be forever indebted to him for his kindness in taking you back and so be permanently at his beck and call. Those are the sorts of delusions narcissists operate under.

Be prepared for him to turn more and more nasty as things go on though, especially if they're not going his way. As far as he's concerned the house, you and the kids are all his possessions to be done with as he sees fit. He will only ever do what is best for him.

This is such an astute and eerily accurate summary it's like you can see into the house!

Honestly word for word I couldn't believe how spot on you are.

I just found out he's agreed to mediation, and I've asked it to happen as soon as possible, nervous about it, but keen to push on now.

Good luck OP! There's lots of good stories and advice on the divorce board here. We're all rooting for you

But @Ialwaysthoughtitwasadojo you have to ‘let his weeks be his weeks’ and not enable him to control you, which effectively happens when you step in. I know it is hard though!

Thanks so much, the help and support I have had on here since it happened has been incredible, it's really helped me decide what to do next, more so than my solicitor!

I know, I didn't step in this morning and things got missed no the school run, I'll pick it up when it's my days... and it's more evidence he just can't do it.

Remember to make a note of it ALL @Ialwaysthoughtitwasadojo x

I am, there have been times he's messaged me to tell me I HAVE TO, go and do something with the kids on one of HIS days, when he can't and I oblige, but it's all written down.

It was his day yesterday and he went out running for 2 hours, and I missed a meeting! So that was all written down as well.

Not too much to report here, I'm still finding it hard, but I think it gets a little easier day by day, I know I'm doing better than those awful early days. I am 11 weeks on so was expecting to feel a bit better!

We've got mediation tomorrow which I'm super nervous about, but in some respects looking forward to as we still to actually move this thing forward...

I hope the mediation goes well, OP. Its a truly difficult situation and you are doing brilliantly.