In shock, should he leave?

[Ialwaysthoughtitwasadojo]

Sorry if this is a bit muddled, I’m honestly in shock. We’d actually been getting on better recently, he was finally making an effort, and then today he suddenly announced he wanted out, and doesn't see a long term future with me.

We’ve been together 12 years, two DC still at home, 7 and 9. The marriage had been hard because he gets incredibly grumpy, makes no effort, but we had been going to therapy and I thought things were getting better. We've just had a wonderful week away together.

So first of all, I'm feeling blind sided, has anyone had this? I feel so torn like I should try and save it. My therapist did say he was emotionally abusive, so I probably need to give my head a wobble. I thought maybe she was over reacting.

Also, he doesn't want to leave. He wants to stay in the house for 6/7 months if needed, whilst we figure things out! I can't do that. I can't pretend we're ok, it will be so much harder to get over! He's the one that wants out and works away all the time, can I ask him to leave? I'm primary carer, pick up all the slack and work from home.

I have some (cautious) good news!

I had my first mediation session today, and I explained the whole situation.

I also said what I wanted and she basically said I was being far too soft and lenient and no court in the land would expect me to accept what I was offering!

She told me I should at least go for 60/40 on finances and I should really go for 100% custody with the kids and then he sees them when he can.

I cried because it’s the first time I’ve felt like someone who can actually make a difference to this awful situation agrees with me! I’m feeling more optimistic now about mediation.

She said even abusive partners are generally being told to try mediation first, she deals with men like him all the time she said.

So we’ll see what he says next…

she also have me the number for a domestic abuse charity, she said my case sounded pretty awful. I just can’t get my head around it.

A big big thank you to everyone who has commented and recommended domestic abuse links/charities, you just don’t think it’ll happen you/is happening to you.

The support I’ve had throughout this whole ordeal on here has helped me more than you all know. I’ve read every message or support and I’ve been writing notes with all of the advice you’ve all given me.

This sounds positive!
I agree if he can't commit to regular days he can't ask for any custody.
100% custody and at least 60/40 finances seems an excellent starting point for your situation.
In terms of finances think about what you'd need in order to buy him out so that you can stay in the house. I'm sure if you get more than 50% of the custody then the courts would be on your side with you and the kids staying in the house if it's all feasible.

OP, well done.
You are brave and strong.
Read up on the "boiled frog analogy" because it is you.
You have been slowly boiled and have accepted this awful behaviour over time.

But fresh ears listening to this are totally horrified by what they hear you endure.

He is a house terrorist and guilty of awful abuse and coercive control.

Help yourself by contacting the police.
Pricks like him never expect it.
It doesn't half put manners on them to know that the police know they are bullying abusive control.

Also, a huge plus is being able to tell people there is police involvement and his abuse of you is in their hands.

Can I ask about your mediation? Is this with a solicitor. Was he in the session with you? Did you do counselling before and is there any difference between them. Just also having a difficult time about childcare arrangements with a dad who has been very uninvolved suddenly deciding he must see the kids every day and seemingly expecting us all to accommodate that. AAAARGH they are such twats. But glad to hear things are looking up for you, your story is brining a glimmer of hope!

Glad you have been given that support @Ialwaysthoughtitwasadojo and validation. It’s the frog in boiling water thing isn’t it, I remember with mine at the worst points thinking ‘this is emotional abuse, but it can’t be, it’s not bad enough to report, he’s not hitting me and wtf would happen if I did report, everyone would know, but it’s not that bad…’ on a constant loop. It was not relaxing!! I think we are conditioned to look for any and every excuse, and be persuaded that we are UR in NJ our expectations of a relationship or the person is only like that because of his relationship history, or whatever. We need to have these discussions in classrooms with kids.

Sending strength and hugs. Oh and by the way, he’s not being weird, he’s purposely undermining every choice you make in your own home. Do you know where the term ‘gaslighting’ comes from?

I would have told him if the food he wants isn't in the cupboard there is these things called supermarkets where you can get some if you give them money.

I’m so pleased the mediator has given positive feedback!

I hope he is quickly squashed now and rethinks his stupid plan.

Why on earth should HE get this deal…if it’s fair, he should ask himself if HE would accept it - and no, no he wouldn’t.

Im really pleased for you.

I hope the judge gives your ex short thrift. In an ideal world your ex’s solicitor will tell your ex to give his head a wobble and to put the dc first.

Are you ok if it goes to 100% custody to you and then you have to, I suppose, make your dc available within a given time frame. Just make sure you have this bit locked down too - that he can’t demand to see the dc with 24 hours notice or some such. Those saying if he is regular days then he will have to get a nanny incase he is working - how do you feel about this?

Do you want to stay in the family home if he is made to leave or do you want a totally fresh start?

Keep staying strong - it sounds as though you are approaching the final stretch. Just focus on the finishing line.

That sounds positive OP, I'm glad for you things are moving. As an aside, don't let him bully you re food, when he says 'what are you doing' ignore or just give him 'pardon?'. It's none of his business! It sounds like you're both sharing food still, you don't need to explain using food in your own house.

The food incident was him inserting his control/dominance. You need to start grey rocking him as any explanation/reasoning will not achieve anything with this abusive prick!

Please try and opt for a tandem mediation (where you are in separate rooms and the mediator goes between you both). He’s abusive and unless the mediator is aware of abusive tactics etc, he could just dominate the whole thing.

l agree with PP, definitely log his abuse with the police.

The control is just so ubiquitous I'm finding it incredibly hard to live with him.

I'm very keen to progress mediation but he has been so slow booking his appointment. He isn't working the next 3 WEEKS, as he's between contracts at work, which isn't unusual. It's a bit feast and famine with him, he could be away for 3 weeks straight, or not there at all.

I'm also finding solicitors pretty useless, I've spoken to 3 and any time I've asked for advice on what I should be asking for in mediation I get 'what do you want
' and 'well it depends'... but mediation is upon us now and I still don't know! I wasted £500 on a meeting where she asked loads of questions and explained the divorce process (which I understand), and any time I was specifically asking about custody or what settlement I should go for, I got nothing from her.

To be fair the mediation lady DID understand the UK courts and what they will and won't allow at the moment, I'm pinning quite a lot on that.

I just want to get out of here as quickly as possible, I don't particular want this house if it means living with him another year, I would happily purchase one and leave as soon as I've got the means to do so.

I just find this in between bit so bloody hard, nothing is legal/court ordered/written down, but I've got to compromise and negotiate with a man who is unkind and mean, and seems to actively hate me! When he's the one that broke up with me, and I was trying my bloody hardest! arghhhhhhhhhhhhhh

Nothing wise to say, but here for you 💐

By him not booking his appointment - he is still trying to control the whole process even if he did start it in the first place. All part of trying to keep you on the hop.
As for solicitors they will not want to influence you in any way - they will act on what you want to do.
So take time out to think about what you want for your life with your children in the future. Write it all down so you don't forget it - it doesn't mean it will all happen - it's very fluid - some might get crossed off and others added.
You must be quite clear about how his employment will affect 'his' care of your children when it is 'his' time to have them. If that means being inflexible when he is actually home and the children are not due to see/live with him then they don't go - because you will have had to sort out your work/family priorities and his random working must not be allowed to affect that. You will need to be quite firm on this point and push back on how flexible you won't be going forward. All part of the grey rocking process and how you will simply not be 'managed' by someone who wanted out. It goes your way from now on! Be strong!!

Talk to Women's aid.
It reads of more coercive control of you to be messing you about.

Thanks so much for this, I do feel like my mind set is sloowwwllyyy changing... I just left out some breakfast stuff because I had to rush for a meeting and for once didn't care about his angry reaction!

He's in for a shock how different I'm going to be in mediation...

Oh OP, his arseholery continues with the purpose of grinding you down.

Thinking that you may get some ideas to draft your ideal settlement if you make a post on the MN Divorce board? You can link to this thread instead of writing it all out again.

Sending you strength to grey rock this hemorrhoid of a STBXH

Make living with you as annoying as possible so he moves out. Dirty dishes in the sink, milk left out. Whatever really bugs him!

This is a good idea, I’ll write out my plan for custody, house and money and see what others think.

I did consider slowly hiding all his pants and socks until he doesn’t have any. I could be absolute nightmare to him though, he’s relying on me being a good person when he’s treated me like shit.

What I did was to regularly invite guests over that he didn’t like (my friends were happy to help out with this). The children had regular noisy play dates and sleepovers which he hated. I cooked food that he wouldn’t eat for myself and the DC (he didn’t like vegetarian meals). I only washed up and did laundry for me and our DC. Even my dear old cat helped me out, by peeing on his bed while he was in it! His life had became very uncomfortable and he made arrangements to move out pretty quickly.

Stop being a good person.
If you continue to be his skivvy, why would he leave?
Do nothing for him.
No shopping, cooking, laundry.
Nothing.

Love the way that even the cat joined in😹

So you don't have to go to court. I think court is a last resort because you can't make up a set of rules and agree you will both stick by. We were also told by our respective solicitors that court would cost us 30k min. We didn't want to spend 30k on solicitor and court fees as it seemed like a waste of money.

When we separated we both went to our respective solicitors and went over what we both wanted, our solicitors sent a letter out to each of us outlining what we both wanted. Once we had this there was a bit of toing and froin for maybe a month or so to get it sorted out. This included everything around all our finances. i had a chat with my solicitor about who paid what etc. etc. and they suggested a split which i wasn't happy with so i told him what to do. I gave my partner more than the solicitor suggested as i thought it was unfair Once that was done that was it, they drew up the paperwork and we went on our way.

What i would say is you need to know what you want - you need to decide what you would be happy with. Once you've decided you can ask then do a bit of negotiating.