How do I tell him I don’t fancy him

[ineedhelp37]

However I play this out in my head it’s just horrible and it’ll hurt him.

Dh is 45. He’s always been what I describe as very average build. Hes 5’9/10. We’ve been together 14 years. Over the last few years he’s crept up to about 13.5 stone, has a big tummy and dare I say it, moobs.

He runs now and again and does a couple of half marathons a year. But he has no muscle at all. I sound awful for saying this but I’m not attracted to his body at all. He has lovely eyes and a nice smile but I’m not attracted to him at all.

These are the things I’ve tried:
Downloading The Body Coach app and suggested we do it together. I’m 5’5 and 9 stone so I’m technically ok but I could do with losing a few pounds for my own confidence. He’s not interested.

I’ve tried making comments about myself but really directed at him but he’s not picking up on it.

We’ve not had any intimacy in months and I miss the closeness but as soon as I see him topless I get full “ick”.

What do I do / say??

Plenty of medical conditions can make one put on weight, e.g. if you have to take steroids long term.

TBH I think if you can say with certainty you wouldn't find your partner attractive if they put on weight then you never loved them to begin with.

Well he’s a lucky guy to be married to you isn’t he.

Speak for yourself, I find it to be perfectly attractive. I think most people look better with a bit of chunk to them.

Particularly as you age!

I'm 5ft2 and when I was on meds for ADHD I dropped right down to 8st7 which is apparently a "healthy" weight for my height but I looked absolutely fucking dreadful at that weight and genuinely much prefer myself around 10st7/11st.

Your poor DH I am sure with the rejection he is feeling he will seek it from someone else. The grass isn't always greener.

Two things:

• On what planet is someone who runs half marathons 'unfit'?
• He was having sex 4 times a year with someone who obviously doesn't even like him, let alone love him. That situation's not worth killing yourself in the gym to get back to. And if he did make the effort, to be honest he'd be better off using his new body to attract a woman who actually likes him

You must have noticed old couples together who are no longer attractive? They were likely attractive and attracted to each other when they met. People grow old and accept each other’s flaws and changing looks over the years. I think the issues are yours. Your weight is totally normal and you still want to lose more. You’re lucky to be able to lose 3lbs in a week if you make small changes. Once you reach menopause it won’t be so easy to lose weight and your husband will still love you whatever size you are. But only you can decide if you want perfection from your partner. It’s up to him if he wants to change his appearance.

But the OP only wants sex 4 times a year anyway despite his initiating so why would she hurt him by telling him she doesn’t fancy him.

My husband is that height and 11 stone. He’d be really fat at 13.5 stone.

Well no I never said it was inevitable I said it was fairly normal because it is.

fairly normal and inevitable are NOT the same.

@ineedhelp37 is 38 and probably still can lose 2-3 lbs in a week but metabolisms change (and can change again when older) a 45 year old man gaining weight isn’t an unusual thing at all

it doesn’t change the fact that the weight gain issue is a symptom of the issue not the cause and that is I think the building blocks put down at the start of this relationship were simply not there to withstand the aging process (which is inevitable)

Sorry, haven’t read the whole thing yet, but I’m in my 50s, have a couple of autoimmune conditions that can regularly make me feel really shit, but we still manage sex at least once a week (unless I’m seriously ill, obvs.).

My DP has gained around the middle, gone grey, losing some hair, but I still find him incredibly attractive, and he seems to find me the same (Christ knows how, I’m a real mess some days). I accept that you yourself say you have little sex drive, but neither did I before tweaking my HRT, but I still made time regularly for intimacy, as it’s an important part of a close and loving relationship for both of us.

It’s clearly also an important part of your DHs view of a good relationship, so you need to stop buggering about and just tell him how it is. You are being incredibly cruel otherwise. Let him have the choice of changing his physical appearance, as it’s so important to you, or deciding to move on to find someone who loves all of him, not just some surface level abs.

I would find an 11 stone man very unattractive. Weedy.

My ex put on a load of weight, huge double chin, massive gut. It wasn't even that though that gave me the ick. It was watching him gob down piles of sugar and junk food every night, after eating the lions share of the healthy home made meal Id cooked. You feel what you feel, but might be worth exploring if it's more than the just the look of it, for me it was a symptom of a much bigger deeper issue.

This and be careful what you wish for

Unkind

I agree, i find a bit of flesh waaay more attractive than skinny. Each to their own though. And what about for better or for worse?

I’m just wondering what the reaction would be if it were a man writing here that he’d lost interest in his DW because she’d put on a few pounds.

My husband is the opposite of weedy. He’s muscular and toned. In amazing shape.

Can't be much muscle there at 11st and 5ft10/11!

Don't worry, there'd be plenty of posters quite ready to put the boot in about how vile and disgusting they think fat people are, that's pretty standard for MN. It doesn't have double standards that way, fat men and fat women are equally unattractive.

Well, that's fine. Horses for courses. But I strongly suspect that yours is a minority view, and that most people do not, all things being equal, find fatness attractive, on themselves or others. If most people could press a button to make themselves and/or their partner permanently slim, I think we all know that most people would press it without hesitation. There isn't a multi-billion dollar and ever-growing weight loss industry for nothing.

This might be different in climates or conditions of scarcity of resources.

Sounds like coping to me.

Actually IRL most people I know wouldn't consider a BMI of 27 to be "fat", they would consider it to be normal and therefore not disgustingly unattractive. You might think that's terrible that being overweight has been normalised, yadayadayada, but when the average size for a woman in the UK is 16, and plenty of size 16 women are having plenty of sex with attractive partners, I don't think you can make the argument that most people find fat people unattractive.

If you're talking 30 stone and morbidly obese then yes, maybe. But at a BMI of 27? Wouldn't even cross my mind.

I would suggest that you tell him that you're concerned that his sweet tooth may be getting him headed towards Type 2 diabetes, and that you'd really like him to reduce the amount of sugar he consumes, and think about exercising a little more.

Absolutely do not tell him you do not find him attractive. My ex told me that over 20 years ago, after I'd just gained some weight and I've never forgotten it. It made me feel like shit. I did go on to then lose 4 stones immediately after that, but that didn't stop his comment hurting immensely.

He can't be that unfit if he's running half marathons.

OP, do you find any other men attractive? I know you say your libido has been hit by medical issues, but there is still a difference between not finding anyone attractive and not finding him attractive.

And as you say, attraction isn't just about sex, but you have only really mentioned physical looks - nothing about his sense of humour or passion about music or sense of curiosity or how he's great at DIY... he might not be any of those things, but there must be something besides looks that attracted you to him. Is that still there?

Anyway, it doesn't really sound recoverable. Either way, you need to talk to him - constant rejection is really shit for one's self esteem, especially if there's no discussion to talk about things. He deserves an explanation. It sounds miserable for both of you, and you either need to work on things together, or go your separate ways, not just to reject him and expect him to be psychic and carry on like this forever.

If you don’t fancy him you don’t fancy him. Tell him and leave so he can find someone who does.

The truth is and always has been you can’t keep everything as you age - either the body or the face and that is true.

plus there isn’t just thin and fat there are areas in the middle and yes personally I prefer men with a bit of weight particularly in the face what is wrong with that?

We aren’t all the same - we all have different things we find attractive I don’t find Pedro Pascal remotely attractive at all by both my best friend and her daughter so and me and DD don’t!

I don’t think @ineedhelp37 has ever really found him attractive as. I said before I suspect the relationship came about for other reasons due to her not being well and him offering whst she needed then and that is the issue not the weight gain and aging