How do I tell him I don’t fancy him

[ineedhelp37]

However I play this out in my head it’s just horrible and it’ll hurt him.

Dh is 45. He’s always been what I describe as very average build. Hes 5’9/10. We’ve been together 14 years. Over the last few years he’s crept up to about 13.5 stone, has a big tummy and dare I say it, moobs.

He runs now and again and does a couple of half marathons a year. But he has no muscle at all. I sound awful for saying this but I’m not attracted to his body at all. He has lovely eyes and a nice smile but I’m not attracted to him at all.

These are the things I’ve tried:
Downloading The Body Coach app and suggested we do it together. I’m 5’5 and 9 stone so I’m technically ok but I could do with losing a few pounds for my own confidence. He’s not interested.

I’ve tried making comments about myself but really directed at him but he’s not picking up on it.

We’ve not had any intimacy in months and I miss the closeness but as soon as I see him topless I get full “ick”.

What do I do / say??

It is really slim. I’m 10st and shorter than her and wear a size 8… so if I was her weight and a few inches taller I’d be really slim. A 6 or even 4. So to me, at my build, as someone who eats well (Im a nutrition student) and exercises and walks pretty much everywhere because I don’t have a car, - much like your random Greek friends nobody asked about - I’d say she’s likely really slim.

@Fluffsiclesand btw 63% of Greeks are overweight or obese vs 64% of Brits. Hardly a big difference.

Please tell me you meant prostrate not castrate? Castrate would solve the whole problem.

This is such a weird post. He's your husband. Not some stranger

She is really slim. 9 stones at five foot five is.

This 👆

If you're not attracted to him, is anything else keeping you together? Gently, if you've been together that long you're not a spring chicken yourself. Will young hunks be attracted to you? Maybe, maybe not. But if you love your DH, try focusing on why you love him and not his faults. If the ick outweighs the love, it's time to have a look at why you're still together.

Wishful thinking perhaps 🤣

You must be pure muscle, that's awesome. For me to be an 8, I'd have to be about 8 1/2 stone. And when I was a 6-8, was about 8 stone. But am 41 now, so that was at about 10 years ago, when I ate whatever the hell I wanted, and it did nothing, was never muscular though. Don't think either of them are too far either way or unhealthy, the OP and her husband. People do often get larger with age, so it's just how it goes. Not everyone's body and bone structure is the same,

I didn’t say she was unhealthy. I think we’re misunderstanding what each other means by very slim. To me slim means small but healthy weight. Lithe. Scrawny would be unhealthily underweight.

And I’m not pure muscle at all though I do have very strong legs. Waist to height ratio is a better assessor of health anyway.

Wishful thinking perhaps 🤣

Am I the only one thinking 13.5 stone isnt that big especially for a man? 😅

In that case I'd hit pause and see what lies round the corner for you. Many women change appearance in their 40's. The ones who don't gain weight go wrinkly.

No, because it isn't.

Maybe he knows you don’t find him attractive but on balance thinks the effort to achieve the body you desire isn’t really worth it just to have sex a grand total of four times a year .
Just tell him how you feel outright. He might make changes or he might decide that there things in the marriage he’s unhappy with himself and perhaps it’s time to let it go.
I can’t imagine feeling so superficially about a partner but like you say, you can’t help what you find attractive .
i don’t have the medical history you do but can honestly say having gone through menopause mine is a great deal higher so it really isn’t a given that menopause and age deplete it .

This. I am feeling so sorry for your poor husband.

This to me doesn’t really sound like it is about lack of attraction, more lack of love left for your DH. You might ‘love’ him in the way we love the familiarity and comfort of a favourite jacket or pair of boots. You are no longer ‘in love’ with him as these things - whilst irritating - wouldn’t put you off this much. Perhaps better for you both in the long run to go your separate ways.

I may be wrong but usually when someone says what you are saying, there are deeper things going on in the relationship to personally. I would advise some counselling.

I think you’d both be better off without each other. Once the ick is there it’s always there.

He knows , because you reject him and you haven't had intamcy in months.

I find it quite startling that she seems content with the fact he’s been so understanding of her ill health to the extent it’s had a measurable impact on the whole of their relationship, but he is now experiencing his own bout of poor health and she’s fat shaming him and implying that the vanishingly rare sexual encounters they do have will lessen even more as a result. Nobody’s saying have sex with someone you don’t find attractive - but I get the sense you’ve never truly found him attractive at all.

He's not overweight at 13.5 at and his height. I dont consider myself fat at 13st and 5ft 5". And I still get interest from men! You've just been together too long. It happens to most people

You absolutely need to sit him down for a serious talk, because you're not being honest with him, and so he has zero chance to make changes.

But also, you're growing old together, you'll not stay athletic and young all your lives. This is what growing old together entails.

But you're failing as a wife by keeping secrets from him. That's not fair.

😅I'm sorry I can't help but find this humorous God bless you 😇
I'm not sure if you intended it to be or not & I was sincerely feeling lots of compassion for original commenter & still do as I'm sure we can all relate somewhat - Also been on both sides of the sword - so to speak - & it was also lovely to see some humour in these circumstances too😇Yes God knows how well it would go down if the genders were reversed 🫂We're all human & we all can generally put weight on & also no matter whether male or female, we can stop feeling attracted to our partners, of course too 🙏I guess I'd recommend original commenter, if you manage to come across this, please stop to remember what's most imperative - 1)How he treats you 2)Is he compassionate, kind, respectful 3)Remembering beauty's only skin deep & it's ok to not feel romantic tendencies 4)Through thick & thin, better or worse etc - You’re obviously kind or you wouldn't be worried re upsetting his feelings & I don't think you need to tell him - Whether he senses you don't fancy him or not - I don't think he needs to be told because ultimately it's unimportant - What's inside is what matters & counts 💚🙏💚

You surely don't need to tell him, he must have worked it out by now.

If you Know, he can never be fitter, even with cooperative excercises. If you Know, you can never fancy him again. Then for both yr sakes you should leave him.

He may find somebody that finds him attractive enough to have a good physical relationship. You may be happier on your own, or find a physically acceptable gent, content with sex no more than 4 times a year.

My friend had a similar situation, except that he was the man in his scenario. His wife mentioned that sex wasn't nice for her anymore because of him being much heavier than he used to be and that it was putting her off having sex and making it uncomfortable. He didn't take offence and actually did something about it. Oddly now she's the overweight one. My point however, is that maybe you could mention something like this putting you off having sex at all and maybe this wouldn't be as hurtful to him as letting him know you find him unattractive, but would get your point across? Good luck with it.