How do I tell him I don’t fancy him

[ineedhelp37]

However I play this out in my head it’s just horrible and it’ll hurt him.

Dh is 45. He’s always been what I describe as very average build. Hes 5’9/10. We’ve been together 14 years. Over the last few years he’s crept up to about 13.5 stone, has a big tummy and dare I say it, moobs.

He runs now and again and does a couple of half marathons a year. But he has no muscle at all. I sound awful for saying this but I’m not attracted to his body at all. He has lovely eyes and a nice smile but I’m not attracted to him at all.

These are the things I’ve tried:
Downloading The Body Coach app and suggested we do it together. I’m 5’5 and 9 stone so I’m technically ok but I could do with losing a few pounds for my own confidence. He’s not interested.

I’ve tried making comments about myself but really directed at him but he’s not picking up on it.

We’ve not had any intimacy in months and I miss the closeness but as soon as I see him topless I get full “ick”.

What do I do / say??

People are standing up for a 45 year old guy, so some other guy has decided to also be a dick and be rude about all women who have a fully developed frontal lobe, both not cool. Tons of people are pissed off about the weight shaming, but why is being a bit of a red pill letch ok? Aren't they both crap.

The thing is, even if you tell him and he falls at your feet promising to hit the gym and achieve your desired body shape, even if he does this in the short term…bodies change as they age. They get wrinkly, saggy and break in weird and wonderful ways.
yours will too and you would be deeply unhappy if your dh treated you like a blow up doll and rejected you every time your appearance displeased him.

This is the reality of marriage and promising to grow old together surely?

So, if you really can’t hack it then I suggest letting him go and finding yourself a succession of toy boys.

Tell him about your new colleague who just joined the company you work for, and how hot and toned this guy is. Jealousy can often spur men into action on this front because hurt pride is the only motivator that seems to work for them.

If that doesn’t work, then nothing will I’m afraid.

So, if you really can’t hack it then I suggest letting him go and finding yourself a succession of toy boys

Oh yes, there will be no end of choice of gym obsessed, buff men with the prospect of sex once every three months....

You sound like a lovely person and what you've suggested isn't emotional abuse at all.

Emotional abuse? Well if you want to go down that road, this charming prince of a man has been abusing this poor lady for years with his slovenly attitude and grotesque appearance. No woman should be accepting their partner conveniently dropping his standards all because he, in his eyes, has found the housemaid of his dreams to take care of him into infirmity.

Improve 👏 Your 👏 Standards

Oh ok, you're just a common or garden knob 😉

I will bear that title with pride, along with all the other generous boons the kind people of Mumsnet have bestowed upon me 😊

All for the crime of being right.

Grotesque with a BMI of 27?

Don't engage the troll.

This always struck me as very accurate:

"Once the flame goes out, it doesn't come back again"

It wouldn't matter what the DH did or didn't do, she doesn't fancy him anymore, is making comparisons with exes & makes him feel like shit by rejecting sex with him too.

Either change your attitude (almost impossible) or let him find someone who will love and care for him for who is is, not what he looks like.

Its not unkind. Have you read the OP comments? I'm not sure what OP wants from this thread, all attempts earlier in the thread to give helpful advice haven't got anywhere so this is an opposit approach, which could have been what OP was after from the outset. Permission to LTB (in her eyes)

So does my husband. Always has ice cream and a dessert. He’s 61kg at 6ft…. Skinny as a whip. Men need more calories than women. And you’re really slim for 5’5. Are you sure you don’t have unrealistic ideals?

It sounds like you've been sexually rejecting him for years OP so if he's coped with that hurt I don't think you're really doing him a favour by trying to protect him from this revelation.

It's sad IMO that he's obviously made huge compromises in his life to cope with your condition and the resulting lack of sex drive - but you can't make any compromises yourself. After 14 years together this has got to be about more than just 'he's got a bit fatter' surely especially, when you barely have sex anyway? 38 is very young to decide you hardly ever want sex, the average age of starting perimenopause is 47.5.

There are plenty of options for you though - leave him, you're allowed to end a relationship if you're not happy. Get him a really nice tshirt or something and ask him to wear it while you have sex - sex doesn't have to be completely naked. Tell him you fancy him more when he's slimmer and you'd love to work together on getting healthier and fitter.

It wouldn't surprise me at all though OP if your frequent sexual rejection of him has led to his comfort eating. 4 times a year at 38 is very, very little. I was never hugely sexual but I was still having sex every week at that age.

a special top to wear during sex??? Ah come on! Telling him you fancy him more when he’s slimmer??
OP says she likes men with muscles.
She has been rejecting him for years, sex 4 times a year isn’t great.

As I said previously, they sound incompatible and the best thing for both of them is to end the relationship. I’m a year younger than the Op and have been with my husband 22 years and still having lots of sex.
38 is very young to settle in a relationship when you don’t like the person. Do
they want to carry on like this for the next 30 years???
life is too short to be unhappy!!

I don’t think you ever fancied him op. I thought I had low libido with my husband. Until we separated and I met someone (at 38 actually) and I literally couldn’t put him down. I didn’t have low libido, I had someone I had no interest in having sex with.

But Op seems to be saying that she’d want it more than once every three months isn’t she?
So perhaps finding somebody with the body that she’s after will reawaken her libido?

I have read the full thread and this is the best response.
Even if he loses weight, goes to the gym and works on his upper body, he is not going to be able to keep up looking like your physical ideal man forever.
If you can’t just accept him as he is, you best end it.
You come across as harsh in your criticism. Any chance you have issues with food/ weight that you’re transferring on to him?

Just to say 9st at her height isn't 'really slim', it's completely healthy. All my friends and family in Greece are size 6 or 8, weight less than that, eat incredibly well, move a lot, my friends in the UK are sizes 14, 16 or above. I don't exercise at all and eat a few chocolate bars a day and am a size 10, but eat well otherwise, if less sedentary would be smaller. So she isn't 'really slim' and her husband isn't 'fat' either, both their weights are fine, and especially so for the UK. People do love their food and fizzy drinks here, but her husband doesn't seem to even be as big as most UK men.

YABVU. Do the man a favour and leave him.

Greece has an obesity rate of over 33%

I know people who live on Islands, so eat and move quite a bit, not the city people. I'm way bigger than anyone I know there, maybe they're all sequestered away from the summer islands.

9st stone is slim at 5ft 5. People carry weight different anyway. At 45 though what OP is complaining about is shallow.

Yes I do. He’s actually skinner now than when we first met over 35 years ago. I fancy him just as much, maybe more now than ever.