How do I tell him I don’t fancy him

[ineedhelp37]

However I play this out in my head it’s just horrible and it’ll hurt him.

Dh is 45. He’s always been what I describe as very average build. Hes 5’9/10. We’ve been together 14 years. Over the last few years he’s crept up to about 13.5 stone, has a big tummy and dare I say it, moobs.

He runs now and again and does a couple of half marathons a year. But he has no muscle at all. I sound awful for saying this but I’m not attracted to his body at all. He has lovely eyes and a nice smile but I’m not attracted to him at all.

These are the things I’ve tried:
Downloading The Body Coach app and suggested we do it together. I’m 5’5 and 9 stone so I’m technically ok but I could do with losing a few pounds for my own confidence. He’s not interested.

I’ve tried making comments about myself but really directed at him but he’s not picking up on it.

We’ve not had any intimacy in months and I miss the closeness but as soon as I see him topless I get full “ick”.

What do I do / say??

I sympathise. I found my ex increasingly unattractive over the years because he put on a lot of weight and generally let himself go, whereas I did not. I really struggled with that feeling and blamed myself for being shallow, but I absolutely could not change how I felt. I also hinted and tried to focus on the health aspect but nothing worked. It wasn't why I left in the end but - if the attraction is gone I honestly don't think you can ever get it back.

Sorry but that's shallow as fuck. What would you do if he became very ill or had an accident and ended up in a wheelchair? Sorry, I'm attracted to working legs? And 'no muscle at all'??! Fucking hell, OP 🙄

I can't imagine treating a partner like that.

If a man came on here and complained about his wife's body changing as they age they'd get ripped a new one.

If you've fallen out of love with your partner, leave him.

You don't need to be cruel about his weight on the way out of the door.

I understand there being things about someone that are a turn off or generally unattractive traits but it does sound like on the whole, this tips the scale for you. Would you say that you're happy with and like your husband?

Actually, the metabolism thing is largely a myth and an excuse frequently used for weight changes in middle-aged (and younger) adults, which are largely down to lifestyle and habit changes: https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/health-58186710

One of these is likely comfort and laziness/giving up in long-term relationships (often associated with weight gain).

In the average person, the metabolism is largely stable and unchanged between about 20 and 60 years of age. Menopausal hormones may affect fat distribution in women, which is not to say weight gain. Men have no such excuse.

Most people don't treat their life partners like this, OP.

You can like that or lump it.

Mine can put on weight, lose weight, lob his arms off, whatever - I love HIM, his physical state is what it is.

Also, when you lose weight in a week from small changes, it's water you're losing, not fat.

Sounds like your DH should lose a hundred odd pounds pretty quick and give little miss rejection the old heave ho.

Everyone deserves someone who genuinely loves them and will stick by them through thick and thin, not someone who withholds affection due to their own ridiculous standards.

Thank you for being honest.

Least at 45 he's still in his peak years. You on the other hand hit the wall at 25 and have been unattractive to all men since. Weight gain or no weight gain.

Bollocks. Plenty of men find older women attractive.

I’ve seen that on youtube, pretty heavy stuff.

I think if you loved his personality the bit of extra weight and untoned body wouldn’t be such an issue. I think you’re not attracted to his personality and his out of condition body is just adding to it.

My partner has put on a few stone since we have been together. It doesn’t affect my attraction to him, we have sex 4 times a week, 40,s, don’t live together. There is so much more to attraction than just physicality for me, I still love his heart, soul and body. Everyone is different though but you don’t seem kind.

what’s your plan then going forward?

I must be strange then cos I still fancy my husband 40 years later we are both weighing more than when we first met!

Are you only 37? as your username maybe suggests.

Edit - sorry I have just re-read and see you are 38. That’s really young to be with someone you don’t feel attracted to potentially for the rest of your life.

Ignore the bizarre replies here OP. It’s ok to say that the way you feel about your partner has changed. There are two things that are unattractive: his weight and his unwillingness to do anything about it. It shows a lack of investment in both his attractiveness to you and his own self worth. The latter is also worrying, as there are health problems that can arise, and it’s very hard to watch someone neglecting themselves.

It’s difficult to bring this up kindly, especially if he’s not noticed or doesn’t care about the changes. My suggestion would be that the next time he brings up being unhappy with your lack of sexual intimacy, to suggest that you’d feel more interested if both of you were in better physical shape. Regular exercise can help libido too, and having a shared exercise activity would give you additional ways to spend time other. I know you already know this and suggested it, but it sounds like that was a hint rather than a direct suggestion to help improve your love life - maybe he’ll get the message more clearly when it’s a cause and effect conversation. Don’t talk about him gaining weight or getting fat, couch it in terms of both of you feeling fitter and stronger.

I can’t really understand why you ever went out with him. You didn’t shag him as much as your previous ex and, if things had been different, you’d probably still be with him. Was your DH a rebound?

I’m sure you can still love him and not be attracted to him, and I think that’s fine. I don’t fancy guys that don’t work out and I feel perfectly entitled to be honest about that because I do look after myself and all I’m looking for is someone on my level. I’m not asking anything of anyone that I’m not willing to contribute myself and I can’t help what features I’m attracted to. I think you need to tell him how you feel then jointly decide if this relationship is worth making changes for. If not, time to move on and find people more compatible.

If you tell him be prepared for the consequences. He may well decide to leave you.

How do you feel about him as a whome person rather just his stomach and chest?

The most ridiculous comment. Might just be you that only fancies very young women. Not so for most of the normal male population.

Could just switch the Pepsi to diet Pepsi and he will unknowingly get a stay of execution. Future doesn't look great though.

This seems like a very compatible relationship insofar as the OP’s libido is in the gutter due to medication, and has been since she was 24, and he really doesn’t seem too fussed either way given he’s had 14 years of sex once a quarter!

The dying gasp of patriarchy is a thing to behold. Sadly makes one rather less interested in the ‘male loneliness’ epidemic. Oh well.

I suspect the op is hung up on her ex....he was her first choice but she couldn't have him so she settled for her current DH and has resented it ever since.

Do go away.

Because no woman aged 26 or over has ever, in the history of the world, been considered attractive by a man. Of course.

Haha he's appalling. Lots of women look way younger than their years, are their most attractive after 25. I get hit on all the time in day to day life, and by younger guys too, and am 41, how dare he. Probably doesn't know anyone half ok.

Love that the thing that's offended people most about this horrible, fat shaming thread is a random comment about older women from an extremely obvious troll.