I'm not sure that I want to grow old with DH

[onthelandtheseathesky]

I feel so, so bad writing this, but it's nagging away at me and I need advice from anyone who's ever been through the same.

DH is a kind and loving man. We've been together for 15 years. No kids together but he has been a brilliant stepdad to my now-adult ds (from my first marriage). Our relationship is generally pretty good, we have things in common, we can laugh together, etc. It's not 'bad' by any stretch of the imagination. There's absolutely no abuse of any sort. I know he loves me to bits.

But, god, I think about leaving all the time. I just want to be on my own, in my own space, with absolutely no questions or expectations of me. I'm so completely sick and tired of all the tiny daily compromises and adjustments and irritations of married life. Like the dirty cups left by the dishwasher, not put in it, or the clothes dumped on top of the washbasket. The constant questions - what are you reading, what were you doing upstairs, what time will you be back, what shall we have for dinner, which bin is it this week, where are my XYZs? And the bigger things - his endless complaining about his work, his anxiety and hypochondria, his lack of ambition, his anti-socialness (we have no 'joint friends' at all).

I'm early 50s, he's a little bit younger. He wants to retire early and has all these grand plans for us, travel etc. But it has started to feel stifling - like it would be just me and him forever, not even work to distract us, let alone any sort of social life beyond the two of us.

Sometimes I feel like I could walk tomorrow and never look back. Other times we have a laugh and I think, I must be mad to even think about chucking it all away. It would break his heart. He's really done nothing wrong, it"s just who he is and I knew all this before I married him. But I just want to scream sometimes!

I'm not sure what I'm hoping for from this post. Just want to know that I'm not a bad person for feeling this way?

Sounds like it's time to call it a day.
He will find a new partner if he wants to.

It's not that easy though, is it? And surely all marriages are a bit like this, petty irritations and annoyances with good bits too? He's a good guy, he's really not doing anything 'wrong'. I don't know why I feel this way.

Ok, I'm male, so maybe not the perspective you want. I have similar feelings towards my wife. I love her but, due to 'history', struggle with the idea of the future, whilst she plans our next three holidays which feel, to me, - well, not a prison sentence; that's too extreme - but definitely a burden.

I'm trying to work out how to respond to this. It's very difficult. Essentially, I feel as if I want to renegotiate our marriage vows. I feel as if she and I could possibly achieve this if we faced it together and we were brave.

The hardest thing to do in life is to get yourself out of a rut. Ruts are comfortable and, furthermore, they suit those around us because there's a great danger they come to define us: what we do and what we don't do.

Welcome to perimenopause,,where eveyrthing irritates you!
I've been in the dating apps in my 50s and I can say that if you have a man who is kind and loving...you'll need him when you go through this merry hell

But tell him how you feel. This us your life too,

Time to kick over the traces, get your proverbial ducks in a row, pick your moment and step from the rut into freeeeedom!
It’s so emancipating. Everyday holds the promise of doing exactly what you want outside of work. It’s dizzying stuff.

Have you spoken to him about this, at least the little annoyances? My DH was similar, I have asd and now peri and just cannot cope with a million little questions. He's got it (mainly).

Marriage counselling maybe?

Or you could just have more of a life yourself, travel and events on your own and with friends. Make it very clear that you do not want the retirement he wants.

Then you see what can be compromised on and if you can't reach an agreement you're both happy with you leave having at least tried.

No, I don't think so.

I've been with DP for 19 years at this point. DD is about to bugger off to uni next September, and for the first time in our relationship it'll just be the two of us ( we did things in mind of the wrong order)

And I'm really looking forward to it. Because we've spent the last 19 years getting on brilliantly, and I can't wait for us to do even more of that.

Yes, we have our habits and annoyances with each other, but they're miniscule. DP, like your DH, never puts anything in the dishwasher, and I could get annoyed by that, but the only thing that gains is that I'd be annoyed, so I just put the stuff in the dishwasher. Equally, I do things that she could be annoyed about but doesn't bother.

Do we sometimes need space from each other? Of course! But we take it. I'll bugger off onto the computer for the evening while she watches TV, or vice versa. We do it on holiday too, we'll generally take a day or so by ourselves.

A relationship is meant to improve each others lives, not spoil them. If you're feeling like it's a prison sentence, then that's a good sign that there's something wrong with your relationship. Because that's not what a good relationship feels like.

I did suggest marriage counselling about a year ago but he wouldn't agree to it. He did toy with the idea of having some individual counselling about some stuff from ysars ago (pre-us) but he's not followed through with it.

I know peri isn't helping but I'm just so bloody confused. One minute I'm thinking what a nice life I have with a fundamentally good man (especially when I read about some of the truly awful DHs on here) so I'd be insane to rock the boat and the next I'm thinking, I don't want this for the rest of my life.

I think you need to speak to him again and say that marriage counselling is non negotiable if he wants you to stay.

He’s kind and loving…? Keep him close. Don't leave. I’m now single and regretting it. It’s awful on the other side. And mine wasn’t loving and kind.

Just because he’s not awful doesn’t mean you should stay with him! Unfortunately some people on MN stick with some truly atrocious men which warps perspective. But if the idea of being on your own without him is more appealing than being with him, that’s a valid thought and you should consider it.

I can see another phase of my life, where I’m not married.
I’d like to celebrate our 10 years, then move on in my life…

But, divorce is hell. If only I could just be easily un-married.
DH gets more from marriage than I do. He’d be worse-off alone.

You are absolutely not alone. I am in the same situation. Its so hard to just leave though, isn't it. Too good to leave too bad to stay was recommended to me. I

I'm sure we'll be happier when we go and the emotional upheaval is done. But when. DM me if you want a chat x

Not everything is down to menophase, or peri-menophase i hate it when women blame almost anything on the above, and anyother bodly function.

Op i dont know the answer for you and maybe you wont find it here or anywhere else.
But some times as we get older fellings change and there is just no reason for it,it just how some of us are.
Hes not bad your not bad but your feelings have change somewhere duing the years, its like you just cant put your finger on it but, it`s just not you anymore in this marrage.

Although it could just be a build up to all the little things over the years.
Being a good wife, mother,dirty cup on the side you think nothing more than to clean it up,now something as changed with in you.

I think when we start having thoughts of being on our own,or leaving everyday deep down you know its not a marrage you want to be in anymore.

Do you do solo holidays? It is my solution to everything, especially in mid life 🙂

I'm recently separated and peri. I called it a day because it just seemed that DH does not even like me and hasn't for some time. It got to the point where I was emotionally broken and couldn't take it any more.

However it seems like you aren't at that point. I'd suggest, rather than focusing on how much he annoys you and the drudgery of marriage, you invest in yourself. Do some interesting stuff, return to study, spend time with friends, do things that make you feel good about yourself. Even if you still decide to leave it will reorientate yourself to a more authentic you.

Vimesandhiscardboardboots, what a lovely post..I say,my DH has "bin phobia", wash bin, rubbish bin, but he cooks,washes, cleans( today he actually unscrewed every single metal handle on every kitchen cupboard and scrubbed and polished them. He does the kids cars , yesterday oldest DDs car,made her flat pack furniture,cut her skirting boards and panelling to fit,he's not her dad. Kids adore him,he makes me laugh and sometimes I could kill him! We've been together 36 years and Im in my mid 70s.

do therapy for yourself first if you need to, then start saying what you need.
tell him that every question feels like a demand and you need him to ration them because they are annoying. Take space for yourself and get your social needs met
start there and see how things shift. Part of this is you not advocating for yourself i suspect

Do you genuinely want to be alone? It is what you've said in your OP, but I think it's a valid query.

If you do, I second the recommendation to some solo holidays. Don't plonk yourself in an all-inclusive, do things that call for initiative - a hiking trail, self-catering somewhere unfamiliar to you, a drive through a European country or two, a residential course in something new. See how much you like yourself when you rely on yourself.

If you secretly harbour thoughts of a better marriage with another partner, this is a different question. Still valid, but much trickier! You'd need to describe just how this marriage would be, exactly how the putative partner differs from your H, and start with that.

I am in a very long marriage. DH is away for a week and I look forward to it.But I will be glad when he's back too. I am not easy to live with either- I am the messy one- so I am very conscious of that.

I do think many men become more antisocial as they get older. Women go the other way. But he doesnt stop me from doing my own thing.

I wonder if you are bored with the humdrum, the predicability and are looking for things to be annoyed by? If you were happy those things would annoy you less for sure.

I'll gladly take him off your hands. What's his number?....

Where are the other things in your life? My DH and I only have 1 set of mutual friends- but he plays golf and plays pool with his friends, I swim, do classes, go out with my friends. We go to comedy gigs/ concerts etc together - I am off on a weekend break/ holiday with my sister next weekend. There is more to life - marriage for me is really important- I love DH and want to grow old with him! but there are other things that keep those conversations/ relationships alive - what else do you do? what makes you happy?

I would suggest counselling- I hate blaming everything on perimenopause but if this is an issue for you also consider seeing your GP. Ultimately only you know whether you want to stay or not - but just take your time making that decision.

Maybe you should just go away for a few days alone, really clear the mind, find clarity.

If you still love and like him, have you considered staying married but living separately? Maybe not next door if he’d still be asking you where things are, but in the same town, perhaps. You could go on dates, and on holidays, and spend every other weekend together - retaining the joy but without being forced to run his life.

If, on the other hand, you can see a point where you’d like to try a relationship with someone else - well …