I'm not sure that I want to grow old with DH

[onthelandtheseathesky]

I feel so, so bad writing this, but it's nagging away at me and I need advice from anyone who's ever been through the same.

DH is a kind and loving man. We've been together for 15 years. No kids together but he has been a brilliant stepdad to my now-adult ds (from my first marriage). Our relationship is generally pretty good, we have things in common, we can laugh together, etc. It's not 'bad' by any stretch of the imagination. There's absolutely no abuse of any sort. I know he loves me to bits.

But, god, I think about leaving all the time. I just want to be on my own, in my own space, with absolutely no questions or expectations of me. I'm so completely sick and tired of all the tiny daily compromises and adjustments and irritations of married life. Like the dirty cups left by the dishwasher, not put in it, or the clothes dumped on top of the washbasket. The constant questions - what are you reading, what were you doing upstairs, what time will you be back, what shall we have for dinner, which bin is it this week, where are my XYZs? And the bigger things - his endless complaining about his work, his anxiety and hypochondria, his lack of ambition, his anti-socialness (we have no 'joint friends' at all).

I'm early 50s, he's a little bit younger. He wants to retire early and has all these grand plans for us, travel etc. But it has started to feel stifling - like it would be just me and him forever, not even work to distract us, let alone any sort of social life beyond the two of us.

Sometimes I feel like I could walk tomorrow and never look back. Other times we have a laugh and I think, I must be mad to even think about chucking it all away. It would break his heart. He's really done nothing wrong, it"s just who he is and I knew all this before I married him. But I just want to scream sometimes!

I'm not sure what I'm hoping for from this post. Just want to know that I'm not a bad person for feeling this way?

Yes, I tend to pretend I've not heard DH, and he has started to not bother asking again. He's not like it all the time, but sometimes. I get up to walk out of the lounge... 'where ya going?' I'm like 'err, to the toilet.' Blank expression from him. My phone notification bongs... 'who's that - is that one of the kids?' or 'is that your mate Louise?' I'm like 'no!' He stares at me and says 'who is it?' I just snap and say 'no-one!' Whoever it is is my business and I do feel sometimes like I can't have my own private chats and business.

And, sometimes when I go into the kitchen, he follows me, and just stands there as I'm getting some food out, or a drink. I say 'what?' He says 'nothing, just coming for a chat.' He has days when he follows me from room to room just to 'chat!' He's like a fucking toddler. Again, not every day, but some days!

It's not that he HAS to know what I'm doing, or who I'm talking to, or is controlling, it's just conversation/something to say. As he has so little going on in his life, he tries to make a conversation out of nothing. He has days too, where he can't allow more than 30 seconds of silence. He has to fill it, and it's sometimes with drivel.

He also has days when he keeps chatting about what he's looking at on his computer or phone, and asks me to look at this, and that, and the other - memes, or news stories, or 'jokes.' (The jokes are rarely funny!) Also, it disrupts what I am watching, or looking at. I do find him exhausting some days, and am glad when he goes to bed at 8.30pm-9pm (which he often does as he's often 'tired.')

He wants to go on a cruise for our wedding anniversary next year, and has flagged up a 19 day one, that stops off at about 7 different countries. But frankly, the thought of spending nearly 3 weeks with him, holed up in a cabin on a ship 24/7 just fills me with dread. We went away for 3 nights/4 days in July this year, and spending those 4 days with him 24/7 made me want to kill him. I couldn't spend time reading my book, or a magazine or anything, because he just kept talking............. Asking questions, asking if I was OK, and just chatting shit about nothing to fill the silence. A few times, I went 'to bed' for a sleep/a nap. In reality, I was awake, but just needed a couple of hours of peace!

I know I sound like I hate him. I don't. I don't want to leave, or not have him in my life. I just wish he'd find someone else, or something else to occupy him, and stop turning to me for anything and everything! What's for tea? What d'ya wanna watch on telly? Where d'ya wanna go tomorrow? Have you heard from him, her, or them? Who was that texting you? What you looking at on the internet? What's Louise got to say for herself? Blah blah fucking blah!

I don't know any women who are like this. Especially aged 45+. Men are much more likely to be needy and whiny and clingy, and have less friends and less hobbies. As a pp said earlier in the thread, men tend to be more anti-social in their middle age and women go the other way, and have more friends, and hobbies and interests. Clingy, bored husbands can be fucking infuriating. I have hobbies and interests and friends, why can't HE get some. ARGH!

God, this thread is like therapy! 😆

P.S. Just noticed your update @onthelandtheseathesky I hope things go well for you (and him indoors) from now on!

.

Also worth noting that he said that he feels he needs more of his own social life as well, to make more effort with his friends, commit more to his hobbies and the social opportunities available there. He acknowledged that it's an unhealthy dynamic to be dependent on each other / in each other's pockets.

I think all your husbands are just way too much in love with you.😄
DH cares not a jot about who calls me and would never follow.me to my room as he just couldn't be arsed!

@Zov "Men are much more likely to be needy and whiny and clingy, and have less friends and less hobbies."

Rubbish!

That’s good that he acknowledged that.

At the end of the day couples should stay together because they want to - not because it’s the easiest option. If you decide to stay I hope it’s because it’s the best thing for you.

But that's a good outcome, OP.
I might add that DH has virtually no friends. He has some solitary hobbies but is a complete introvert.
But he's not clingy.

What a great update, glad you ignored all the nasty naysayers

Well done OP.
In life I absolutely believe you will be dished as much shit as you accept.

You have accepted his behaviour and it has increased.

"When we stay silent to keep the peace, we create a war within"

One of many words of wisdom that hugely landed with me years ago.

This is you.
Well done for beginning the conversation.
The truth is your marriage will not last if you continue as you are.

I have always expressed my 'valid concerns' directly and deteminedly because they were always valid, yes.

You may have tolerated them but we didn't. Because I didn't.

The issue is that 'peri' seems to have become the new favorite self diagnosis of many women which now just invites people to disregard women's 'directly and determinedly' expressed concerns on the basis that it's just their/our hormones.

I totally don’t agree. If I were to blame hormones, I would blame them for my 30 odd years of tendency to people please, nurture and be somewhat compliant.

I’m enjoying feeling more able to please myself.

Sounds like a great start Op. communication really is the key here

You are so right - I’ve seethed over many things for years and gone along with things to keep a happy home and consequently I think my H decided what he says goes - it backfires!!

Really great to read your update op and even better that nothing chimed on the list!

Sometimes it’s hard to break out of patterns from childhood and I still have to remind myself occasionally that I don’t need anyone’s permission to initiate a new project or plan.

What do you mean “rubbish”? This is actually a common scenario for women when retirement approaches and they need to speak to their partners like OP has done to clarify expectations going forwards. Women in our culture do a disproportionate amount of emotional caretaking and the balance needs addressing.

"Rubbish" as in either false or not proven. I'm not saying women are more clingy and needy than men, for the simple reason that I don't believe they are. I don't think, in general, there's a significant difference between the sexes.

Yes it is a struggle financially since COL but I relish my space and independence. To me marriage is a prison! Been there three times. I am autistic though and need a lot of downtime.

Of course it’s rubbish, just look at the number of threads on this forum, with women complaining about the number of hobbies men, I know a number of recently retired men who are never at home now at the hobbies kick into action

@onthelandtheseathesky

I'm glad to read your update. Do you think he would be willing to go to counselling now that you have your cards out on the table so to speak? Present it as working with a expert who will help you both to work out things together and communicate in a constructive way.

DH has a little bit of what you describe. His own dad had a horrible childhood, and still can be very clingy and insecure. DH grew up with the belief that couples did everything together, like everything. The idea of going away without your spouse or having separate hobbies or even going to bed at different times was pretty much unthinkable to him. And he definitely relied on me to provide a social life / friends to hang out with. Even saying I was going to have a bath of an evening got a 'Are you?' surprised response and sad face. Infuriating. My parents are completely the opposite - they've always had their own lives / hobbies / friends etc, they go to bed when they want to, they do their own thing while living in harmony (most of the time) - so that's what I was used to.

We aren't retired yet, but it's on the horizon. Luckily, I am my mother's daughter so I haven't ever really given into his idea that we should be together all the time or living in each others pockets. I've encouraged him to get on with his own hobbies / pursuits, make his own friends, have his own life - and when we get together at the end of the day we actually have something to say to each other. I've been quite open that I feel suffocated sometimes by his expectations, and we've acknowledged the different models we grew up with. So we will, I hope, find a happy medium.

Hm.
He's loving and alright in many ways?
I just read your updates, OP.
I wouldn't rush anything, in this situation.
You also seem a tad complicated person (very sorry about your experience of abuse).
Re the "bath gate", I really don't think it was control or micromanaging, just a bit of (clumsy but normal) interest. My husband is similar and it doesn't trigger me, however, it was my parents, who were emotionally abusive and therefore sometimes I'm angry and crave solitude.
It's different for you, OP, but I don't think your husband is a bad guy, who needs to be left.
I also get furious about people, then I find out they meant something else (not invasive, micromanaging, cheeky or sarcastic).
It IS hard. 🍀🍀🍀

Men who hadn't hobbies and lots of friends pre retirement rarely suddenly then develop them.
They are indeed often clingy and make their wives feel they are on the clock.

I know of several such women.
They pushed back hard.
Upped their volunteering and time out of the house and forced them to keep themselves busy.

Retirement can be very difficult for couples.
Not every man plays golf.

How will you feel though when you break up, he meets someone else, and then does all those travel plans with her instead of you.

It all very good listing all the little things that annoy you about him, but have you stopped to think that perhaps there are things which you do that he finds annoying, but he gets over it because he loves you to bits?

Absolutely fine to leave, but dont leave and then complain that life is worse on your own.

I am reminded of Neil Young’s song Man Needs a Maid. I have a very different view point of its meaning to my older boyfriend. Which is why I have my own place !

And no, I don’t clean for him or organise his life.

Why would life be worse on her own? Maybe op would be content and flourish on her own. Not everybody wants or needs to be in a relationship.

@Blueskystoday "Not every man plays golf."

F'kin right! Some of us have better hobbies.