I'm not sure that I want to grow old with DH

[onthelandtheseathesky]

I feel so, so bad writing this, but it's nagging away at me and I need advice from anyone who's ever been through the same.

DH is a kind and loving man. We've been together for 15 years. No kids together but he has been a brilliant stepdad to my now-adult ds (from my first marriage). Our relationship is generally pretty good, we have things in common, we can laugh together, etc. It's not 'bad' by any stretch of the imagination. There's absolutely no abuse of any sort. I know he loves me to bits.

But, god, I think about leaving all the time. I just want to be on my own, in my own space, with absolutely no questions or expectations of me. I'm so completely sick and tired of all the tiny daily compromises and adjustments and irritations of married life. Like the dirty cups left by the dishwasher, not put in it, or the clothes dumped on top of the washbasket. The constant questions - what are you reading, what were you doing upstairs, what time will you be back, what shall we have for dinner, which bin is it this week, where are my XYZs? And the bigger things - his endless complaining about his work, his anxiety and hypochondria, his lack of ambition, his anti-socialness (we have no 'joint friends' at all).

I'm early 50s, he's a little bit younger. He wants to retire early and has all these grand plans for us, travel etc. But it has started to feel stifling - like it would be just me and him forever, not even work to distract us, let alone any sort of social life beyond the two of us.

Sometimes I feel like I could walk tomorrow and never look back. Other times we have a laugh and I think, I must be mad to even think about chucking it all away. It would break his heart. He's really done nothing wrong, it"s just who he is and I knew all this before I married him. But I just want to scream sometimes!

I'm not sure what I'm hoping for from this post. Just want to know that I'm not a bad person for feeling this way?

It sounds normal but you have to communicate.

Don’t mention menopause, even if it’s relevant. The issues are the same, it’s just your hormonal situation may be making you more aware of them.

Tell him. I told mine he must get a hobby outside the house. He must not spend all day watching TV. He must organise his own life and not assume I will be always be available as and when. He won’t be joining in on all my social arrangements.
Make clear it’s for his benefit as well as yours. He needs to be independent, he may well outlive you and needs his own life.

And get on with your life, your friends outside the home etc.

Being MN, loads of people will tell you to leave, but not always the right thing to do at all. It may not be as hopeless as it seems. Spouses can often be very annoying in many little ways. I’ve recently been thinking I’m not as nice to
mine as I should be! We can’t be everything to each other all the time, we all need some space and peace to think. Do you have some separate interests or friends? Can you say you need time to do some things on your own to recharge your batteries?

I sometimes think that nature wants most women to head off and live alone once the children are grown up!
I often have moments like it (and have one adult child still at home forever due to special needs) I CRAVE my own space, silence, the freedom to not talk to anyone.
But I also value the man I married. Do I find him dull? Frequently. His endless talking about his hobby (please don't show me youtube clips about it DH, I couldn;t give a fuck!) His blow by blow recounting of his work day (while never asking me how mine was) sometimes makes me want to scream.

But... then I also remember that a) I'm not that fascinating either and b) this is the man who has stuck by me for 35+ years , a good, faithful KIND man who is currently crafting something amazing for our DGS's Xmas present, who shows his love for us in practical ways and works long hours to support us (I work part time and care for Grandkids/son/mother )

We have separate hobbies and that really helps. We aren't big talkers about feelings (I'm as stunted as they come and am aware of that!) but we join together is simple ways, over the kids and grandkids and it helps.

I sometimes feel very disatisfied, but if I think about it it's up to ME to change that (hence I took up a new hobby last year!) rather than give up on a man who has been by my side most of my adult life.

It's worth thinking about why you feel this way and whether you can improve things before throwing in the towel I think.
(Though I wouldn't mind a week away somewhere on my own!)

This. Sometimes the grass is greener. Sometimes it isn't . Be careful what you wish for, you aren't in a Hollywood movie.

THIS !! “Let there be spaces in your togetherness “ Kahil Gibran

Peri and menopause are an absolute bitch for this.

Make sure you're doing everything you can for your own wellbeing; diet, exercise, weight management, hydration, nutrition and the HRT conversation if you haven't already.

What life do you have outside the marriage?

Do you work / run a business?

Do a sport / physical exercise?

Have friends you spend time with?

And what do you do with him - sport, interests, socialising?

You're in your Wise Woman years. You have acquired knowledge, skills and wisdom and they may not be being used.

If you were an orca you'd be leading young pods out on the hunt teaching them hunting and survival skills! You're frustrated and you know this is not enough.

Stop turning your energy towards dissatisfaction with your husband - it wants outlets and challenges while you're relatively young and fit.

You need to lay your cards on the table loud and clear.

“DH I’m feeling this way about XYZ, for me to get past this we need to do ABC. If you’re not willing to try I’m afraid it may be the end of the road for us.”

A few solo counselling sessions can be really helpful in deciding what it is you want to do. I was in a similar situation and was at a point where I just had the same pros and cons of remaining in my marriage spinning around in my head constantly. Talking it through with someone and exploring why I felt the way I did helped me make my decision and be at peace with it. Talking with a counsellor isn’t something I ever thought I would need to do, but it was enormously helpful and I’d really recommend it to you.

Not everything is down to menophase, or peri-menophase i hate it when women blame almost anything on the above, and anyother bodly function.

I agree!

To me, it doesn't sound any different to men blaming women's 'time of the month'. Except that women are saying this to themselves/each other.

The problem is that when women blame their feelings/responses on the menopause it completely removes the need for a more objective appraisal of a situation or anyone's else's responsibility for their behaviours.

And, tbh, I don't want my valid concerns dismissed as being those of a 'menopausal woman of a certain age' because every woman over the age of 30 has now decided that their, or someone else's, every irritation or concern is down to them being 'peri'.

Won't you still be working for the next 10 years? When did you last go on a date together?

I think the travel plans sound like great fun OP!

See this is not my experience at all. I have just come out of my second marriage for very similar reasons to what you are describing, between two marriages I have been in relationships for 25 years.

I just want to be on my own, in my own space, with absolutely no questions or expectations of me. I'm so completely sick and tired of all the tiny daily compromises and adjustments and irritations of married life.

This resonated with me so much. It really wasn't him it was me. I now live alone (one DC at Uni and one living away) and the peace and sense of relief is absolutely priceless. I have figured out that I just don't have the ability nor desire to give a relationship what it needs - maybe I am too selfish but I just want to only have to think about myself (and the dc of course) I don't want to compromise myself anymore - I do not miss the company and constant questions. My ex deserves far more than i can give him and I truly hope he finds the love he deserves.

I had counselling before making the decision but I was resolute. For me it is wonderful on the other side. I have zero regrets.

I’ve been in this exact position OP except I had dc. I eventually left though it took me about 6 years. Once you have these feelings it’s near on impossible to get rid of them. Sure there’ll be good times but they always come back.

the kind sweet loved me to pieces man turned into the most bitter nasty piece of work. I would never ever have imagined it. In honesty I’ve fucked myself over financially emotionally and from a lifestyle perspective but im glad im not living a lie. It’s the price I’ve paid. Everything comes with a cost but I think you’d be sensible to leave

I think get your own counselling. A good counsellor- might take some shopping around.

Your complaints about him point to a build up of small things, not one massive thing. You could also just generally be pissed off with life and he is just there.

Id also get some space- a new hobby that gets you out the house or get him to start golf, cycling, running etc.

Call it a day. There’s a fabulous new life where you call all the shots waiting for you.

Your hormones helped you tolerate your valid concerns. They were always valid. We may have tolerated them in order to preserve our family unit and offer stability to any DC. As we age it’s more important to address them. We stop putting ourselves bottom of the list.
Even when our hormones are playing merry hell, the upsetting thing was still upsetting, the issue was still an issue and the feelings were still valid.

I find I just express myself more directly and more determinedly.

In my opinion.

I can feel your soul withering from your post OP. My certainly did reading it.

I do think you somehow need to reset the marriage, but god knows how. My teeth were itching at the constant little questions. Especially the “where’s my” prattle.

I do know you have to have a deep long conversation with him.

For me personally, the thought of big travel plans with an unsociable man would leave me practically suicidal. They mean it as weeks or months on end where they can legitimately not have a conversation with anyone, and can accuse you of being rude/weird for speaking with people.

Good luck OP, you’re going to need it.

You are at a real crossroads and I think whatever fork in the road you take at this point is going to be hard.

If you stay, it will be hard because you may be fantasising about the road less travelled and what ifs, he will of course irritate you on many occasions and you will wonder whats out there that you missed.

If you leave, it will be hard because you will have all the emotional and financial fallout of a split and you will inevitably realise that the fantasy you have built in your head of living alone isnt quite as amazing as the dream is. Then, if you decide to start dating again you will realise that its like looking for an eyelash in a bucket of diarrhoea 🤣 its honestly dire out there.

Therefore, there is no easy route out of this. If it were me, I would take some space to really consider what I wanted out of life and the future, whats important to me, where I want to be in 5 years time and what I can let go and be at peace with if it never happens. Instead of looking at the individual annoyances of him, I would look at our life together as an over view - I would weigh up the general percentage of time I was happy with the general percentage of time I felt very unhappy. Whichever percentage came out larger, I would take that road accordingly.

I hung on for ages in my marriage. Leaving was difficult but my life is immeasuraably better now. Have had a couple of relationships since (am in the second one now) but was two years single betwen those. It can be difficult when decisions to be made -e.g. lots of building work but every day I thank my lucky stars that I am free, and that I have enough money to enjoy life, go out a lot, lots of different friend groups and hobbies.

I think many people find their partner becoming repetitive and boring and irritating after many years as a couple. Would you really be happier on your own for the next 35+ years? Or could you find a way to have an interesting semi-independent life while still living as a couple? Only you can figure out the answer (and I doubt if you need a counsellor to help).

How would you feel if he married someone else, was very happy and you were single? Would you feel relieved or regretful?

My H retired early, ( I was dreading this) he was however busy with hobbies, helping family, gardening … so the reality if us being together 24/7 was diluted. This was fine until his health declined. I am now his support slave, he is 100% emotionally dependent on me.
I have ceased to exist I am just a prop.

Don’t underestimate how hard this is.

I think marriage is so complicated that none of us can advise you really.
I will say that we all likely become more irritating with time.

I’m in the same boat as you and it does get worse as you get older, the constant questions and feeling of being micro managed and lack of autonomy. It all got much worse during covid as my job disappeared and we were home alone together and I realised he was totally self absorbed and lacking empathy.
I’ve managed it by responding to “what/why/where” questions with “because I want to” rather than giving detailed explanations and although he’s annoyed by my response it does make me feel better.
I’ve also tried giving him responsibilities for tasks etc rather than individual jobs to do but my goodness it is wearing! Makes me feel like I’m his mother!
I am a lot older and am now in a position where I definitely don’t want to grow any older with him.
Don’t wait much longer, if he isn’t open to change then leave. I’m really regretting those lost years. Be very clear about the irritations like leaving stuff for you to clear up. It isn’t on!
Counselling may help you to unravel it and move forward.

See if you can get him to read this @onthelandtheseathesky - it might make a difference to the not pulling his weight bit at least - www.huffpost.com/entry/she-divorced-me-i-left-dishes-by-the-sink_b_9055288

Good question. To be honest I'm not the sort of person who believes in a dream man. It felt right at the time and I didn't question my decision till I was in my 50s. It's hard to remember exactly how things felt back then. We rowed a lot when we first moved into our first joint home, having never done so before in 4 years together, but we got past that. Our early years of marriage were hard for me anyway as I'd moved further from friends, taken a new job I initially loathed and soon found out we had fertility issues.