I'm not sure that I want to grow old with DH

[onthelandtheseathesky]

I feel so, so bad writing this, but it's nagging away at me and I need advice from anyone who's ever been through the same.

DH is a kind and loving man. We've been together for 15 years. No kids together but he has been a brilliant stepdad to my now-adult ds (from my first marriage). Our relationship is generally pretty good, we have things in common, we can laugh together, etc. It's not 'bad' by any stretch of the imagination. There's absolutely no abuse of any sort. I know he loves me to bits.

But, god, I think about leaving all the time. I just want to be on my own, in my own space, with absolutely no questions or expectations of me. I'm so completely sick and tired of all the tiny daily compromises and adjustments and irritations of married life. Like the dirty cups left by the dishwasher, not put in it, or the clothes dumped on top of the washbasket. The constant questions - what are you reading, what were you doing upstairs, what time will you be back, what shall we have for dinner, which bin is it this week, where are my XYZs? And the bigger things - his endless complaining about his work, his anxiety and hypochondria, his lack of ambition, his anti-socialness (we have no 'joint friends' at all).

I'm early 50s, he's a little bit younger. He wants to retire early and has all these grand plans for us, travel etc. But it has started to feel stifling - like it would be just me and him forever, not even work to distract us, let alone any sort of social life beyond the two of us.

Sometimes I feel like I could walk tomorrow and never look back. Other times we have a laugh and I think, I must be mad to even think about chucking it all away. It would break his heart. He's really done nothing wrong, it"s just who he is and I knew all this before I married him. But I just want to scream sometimes!

I'm not sure what I'm hoping for from this post. Just want to know that I'm not a bad person for feeling this way?

It does sound like a normal marriage. I wonder why you are finding it so difficult. It's usual for couples to ask each other what time will you be back, what shall we have for dinner, which bin is it today. It's harmless chit chat but sounds like you find it intensely annoying. Maybe you are just dissatisfied with life in general?

Your feelings are your feelings. They're not good or bad. They're just signals for you to listen to. Don't feel bad about having them, but do think carefully about what they’re telling you about what needs to change. If you think about leaving all the time then clearly something needs to change. Maybe start with working on boundaries? If you don't want endless questions, say so. Find strategies to deal with/shut down the hypochondria. Make enough of a fuss over the dirty cups so that it sinks in for him that they have to be put in the dishwasher. He asks what bins? Look it up. His shit day at work? Change jobs. If that's not currently possible, STFU. I don't mean actually say that to him, more trying to emphasise that things need a radical shake-up because your marriage is on the brink, and personally I wouldn't give up on a good man without a real effort to push for the kind of marriage, and therefore life, that I wanted. Also, your feelings of needing space, of not always wanting to compromise etc, are completely legitimate. Get out of the house, create space for yourself (and him) to be free. If you want space, create space. The prospect of retired life without joint friends and being closed in on yourselves is also understandably alarming. So don't do it. What joint activity could you begin now to create the joint friends?
All of this will take time and effort and will be challenging. Ime of putting in boundaries there is a wretched period of guilt (on your part) and pushback/resistance (on the other person's part) but generally they have meant in the end more personal happiness and a better relationship. Your husband may even be glad in the end that your boundaries made him re-evaluate himself, and you, and your relationship. And if it doesn't work out you will know that you gave it your best shot.

It does sound like a Normal marriage but it also sounds like you’ve got the ick. What’s your situation like? Can you live and buy on your own? Do you own property together? Savings etc. if you divorce you get half etc as the kids won’t get accounted for if they’re grown. Do you want to lose half of what you have over some little doubts .

This is such a great post

So he knows you are unhappy then op? But refused counselling? How did he react to this information otherwise? Does he think you are wrong to feel this way?

Sorry for all of the questions but I can’t imagine saying to my dh that I want counselling, him saying no, and then the subject just being dropped if that makes sense?

Did I write this in my sleep? We are late 50s. Empty nesters now and his mannerisms are grating. However I’m more grumpy I think with menopause stuff whatever that is. It’s about carving a new set of principles when the kids leave I think. I do know that if something happened to him health wise I would be devastated and you just have to imagine that. If you want him dead well maybe it’s time to move on.

I'm a bit confused so I'm going to type what I dont understand

What does he do when you ask him not to do the annoying things he does and says? Does he simply continue to do them all? If so, why does he disrespect you if he's such a good man?

Why do you believe that you only deserve what you currently have, even though most days you're not happy? Why do you believe that because there are worse marriages than yours, that you should stay in your marriage?

Have you told him couples counselling is non negotiable and if he doesn't go to couples counselling you'll leave?

Why do you think you're such a poor advocate for yourself and so passive in your relationship?

Why haven't you organised counselling for yourself (in addition to couples counselling)?

If your husband changed after counselling and stopped doing and saying the annoying things, would you feel happy in your marriage?

Do you think that your husband's basic personality traits (hypochondria, negativity, moaning) can change? Do you think he wants to change?

How's your sex life? How's intimacy (cuddles)?

Why don’t you have a trial separation to test the waters?

When I visit or stay with married / cohabiting friends of my own age, who may have been together for thirty or forty years, the constant checking in with each other that some of them engage in makes me want to run screaming from the house.

I’m just going downstairs.

I’m just going to check the whatever in the garage.

I’m making tea, d’you want one or would you rather have your bulls blood kombucha? I could do the tea Jenny brought us, I know you liked that?

What time do you want to go for a walk? If we do it after lunch we can pop into X on the way home, and then …

Are you going to be watching the end of your film tonight? I might go to the pub but only if you’ve got something you want to do …

Honestly, it’s endless. Neither can move an inch without pointless negotiation and consultation. I would rather die than live like that …

(And I have cohabited very happily in the past.)

You know when people flip a coin when they can'tmake a decision? Heads vs tails?

People often say there's always an outcome you hope to get even if you don't realise it until the coin falls.

If you were to do that, heads you stay; tails you leave. Would one outcome leave you disappointed and the other relieved?

Not everything is down to menophase, or peri-menophase i hate it when women blame almost anything on the above, and anyother bodly function.

this!!

i sympathise with this enormously. I think be very careful too. In general it can be lonelier at this point in life with people consumed by work and maybe just their partner and kids. Don’t imagine everyone else is going out and living it up.
i think your best bet is nurturing interests / friends / hobbies and then see if realistically this is still how you feel in another few years. It is also not unreasonable to say to him you need him to make more effort developing joint friendships, managing his anxiety etc (that will just get worse if not), not chuck cups and clothes around - he’s a grown man not a little boy. Give him a chance - you know if you’ve been honest or not - and see if he can step up to what you need

I am going out 3 times a week and living it up! And still staying married because I believe you can have both.

I recognise what OP and @NorWouldTilly says in my parents’ marriage. My mum (75) wishes she had divorced my dad 30 years ago but for various reasons didn’t.

No one can really advise one way or another, but unless you tackle it now you will regret it. Maybe try individual counselling if he doesn’t want to go with you?

I don't think this is uncommon for women our age, after years of putting others first. I often feel the same! But my other half is good and realises I need my own space so I often go away on little trips by myself and do my own thing, as well as us doing things together. He does his own thing too. It gives us both a bit of space and makes us appreciate each other more!

You need an honest conversation with him @onthelandtheseathesky
For all you know he might well be thinking the same things about you.

Daily irritations that inevitably arise from sharing space with someone else are one thing and are part of a relationship.
But some of the things you describe- different attitudes to friends, lack of ambition, the claustrophobia, sound far more fundamental.
This isn’t a logic puzzle. Your feelings of claustrophobia in particular should be listened too. Subconsciously you might already know the answer.
It’s perfectly valid to leave a kind good man. Just being kind and good doesn’t mean that you and he should be together anymore. Don’t stay out of guilt- it will break your soul- and his too.

I read a quote the other day that said "the only thing a man is competing with is the peace she feels when she's alone". I could have written every word OP. In fact, I posted something recently. In response to the feedback, I am having counselling so that I know when I make the decision to leave, it's the true me making it, and not hormonal me. But I agree on the coin flip, and I know deep down the side I would hope it landed on.

Renegotiate your marriage vows? What does that look like then?

Also, don't be scared of being alone and lonely. I hate this idea that all the other options out there are so bad that you need to stay in a stifling, claustrophobic, unfulfilling relationship.

I have felt like this on and off - 30 years married, in our 60s. It was at its worst during covid when he was so fussy about everything. I liked it when he felt we had to sleep separately for a while (due to possibility of me passing covid to him as I still left the house for work) and he went into the spare room.

He has always been untidy, needs reminders to clear the kitchen, put clothes away etc though he does try. I resented that a lot but otoh he was good with our kids and does the bulk of lifts etc - they're grown now, but still live with us. He also books all the holidays. I find it hard to plan ahead too far so I feel pressured by that, but to give him credit I do enjoy the holidays we go on. He enjoys researching things, whereas I don't have the patience. He's also kind and loving.

Overall I really don't want to be alone. And while the idea of meeting someone new is exciting, I know it's not likely to be realistic. More recently we've found more things we like to do together and have started having more days out, which means I now look forward more to spending time with him. We have always had our own separate hobbies and most of my social life is meeting up with my friends without him (he does the same but has fewer friends).

Also we share the same values and views on many things - and we can still talk for hours as well as feel comfortable not interacting and doing our own thing. I can't say he's my dream man but I also can't imagine actually leaving either.

Anything that wasn't part of the original vows, or anything that one party assumes that the other doesn't. For example, my wife thinks that we'll both be happy having several holidays a year together. That thought doesn't make me happy. This difference needs to be acknowledged, explicitly. Or, we will spend x days a week apart, that type of thing. Just an acknowledgement that the marriage isn't what we thought it was, needs to change for our mutual happiness, and needs to be talked about.

Sometimes I think my DH feels the same about me. If he does he needs to make a bit more bloody effort as it takes two. Relationships don't consist of one person's behaviour, good or bad

Was he your dream man when you married, @SGBK4862?

I felt like that in my marriage and I eventually left. We’d been together for 26 years and believe it or not it was a conversation about lunch that finally made up my mind. DH was a kind and caring man in the main, however he was a bit self absorbed and had absolutely no initiative whatsoever. If I didn’t plan and organise absolutely everything in our lives, we would never have done anything.

We were sat in the living room one day and he looked over at me and said ‘shall we have some lunch then’. Which meant he was hungry but he wanted me to go into the kitchen, decide what to have and then make it. At that moment I realised I didn’t want to be the one shouldering the entire mental load for the rest of my life.

DH was devastated when I said I was leaving, he thought we were completely happy together. DS was 17 at the time and he was upset but old enough for it not to have a huge impact on him.

I’ve been living alone in my flat for six years now and it’s lovely. Nobody to look after except for me - oh and my kitten. For a while after I’d left, I’d get messages from DH asking how to do things like sort out insurance, work the washing machine, how to book flights etc. He was completely incapable of doing the basics because he’d always expected me to do it.

We are still friends and he has a new partner now but I think I would have ended up hating him if I’d stayed.