I'm not sure that I want to grow old with DH

[onthelandtheseathesky]

I feel so, so bad writing this, but it's nagging away at me and I need advice from anyone who's ever been through the same.

DH is a kind and loving man. We've been together for 15 years. No kids together but he has been a brilliant stepdad to my now-adult ds (from my first marriage). Our relationship is generally pretty good, we have things in common, we can laugh together, etc. It's not 'bad' by any stretch of the imagination. There's absolutely no abuse of any sort. I know he loves me to bits.

But, god, I think about leaving all the time. I just want to be on my own, in my own space, with absolutely no questions or expectations of me. I'm so completely sick and tired of all the tiny daily compromises and adjustments and irritations of married life. Like the dirty cups left by the dishwasher, not put in it, or the clothes dumped on top of the washbasket. The constant questions - what are you reading, what were you doing upstairs, what time will you be back, what shall we have for dinner, which bin is it this week, where are my XYZs? And the bigger things - his endless complaining about his work, his anxiety and hypochondria, his lack of ambition, his anti-socialness (we have no 'joint friends' at all).

I'm early 50s, he's a little bit younger. He wants to retire early and has all these grand plans for us, travel etc. But it has started to feel stifling - like it would be just me and him forever, not even work to distract us, let alone any sort of social life beyond the two of us.

Sometimes I feel like I could walk tomorrow and never look back. Other times we have a laugh and I think, I must be mad to even think about chucking it all away. It would break his heart. He's really done nothing wrong, it"s just who he is and I knew all this before I married him. But I just want to scream sometimes!

I'm not sure what I'm hoping for from this post. Just want to know that I'm not a bad person for feeling this way?

We only have one bathroom / loo so it only seems fair to just let the other person know if it's going to be unavailable for a while! I like to soak and prune 😁

Plus if I didn't 'announce' it, I'd just get asked where I was and what I was doing anyway. Last night I went upstairs to rearrange the clothes on the heated airer (didnt announce beforehand) and got, what were you doing up there?

I know a couple who split up once the kids flew the nest. They didn’t have an unhappy marriage but like you, OP, she was just wanted to flee and be alone (not lonely) She was tired of everything - having to give, having to explain - all the things you mentioned. Thankfully the managed to split amicably and remained friends. He moved on within 6 months and she is living her best life living on her own, not having to explain herself to anyone and genuinely is not interested in finding a new relationship. She still sees her ex and his new dp for things like dc and gdc birthdays/Christmas etc and there is genuinely no bad blood there. It is like she has blossomed! To be fair he has had a new lease of life too but, like so many men, he had to find his new lease with a partner. Whereas she is flying solo and doing it fantastically!

Go on a solo holiday for a week or two and see how you feel when you get back. You may just need a break where you can just be. You may come back and appreciate having him, or you may come back and realise you are happier without him. Or maybe its just hormones and it won't be until after menopause is done that you really know what you want.
I wouldn't rush into a separation just yet when you say he's a good man and you have times when you want to stay together.

No, i never tell him. I don't even tell h im if I go out at night on my own. I just go. If I am back late I let him know, but anytime before 10 I just go!
We have two baths.

@BunnyLake You sound just like me. I am snuggled on the sofa under my heated throw with nowhere to go and nobody to talk to.......bliss!

Ok - reasonable! (I know plenty of couples who make such announcements even with multiple loos available.)

Ah - you’ve added a bit. That’s what I was afraid you’d say!

Unless anything unexpected happens to non-resident family, I’m anticipating a day much like @BunnyLake‘s. I like it very much.

Your dh refusing to go to couple counselling is not good - does he not want you both to be happy? Likewise him promising to sort out individual counselling but not following through.
Often on threads like this the OP says dh is a really good man but once you scratch the surface it turns out not to be the case. Most men like the status quo - maybe he can sense what you are feeling hence not wanting to go to counselling in case those words are said out loud. What men dont realise is that by refusing to discuss/have counselling they are pushing their dw faster to separation which could possibly have been avoided.

You're unhappy, that's reason enough to leave. How do you think he can change to make you happy again? Do you think you'll just magically be happy with him and suddenly look forward to spending the next 30-40 years living every day with him?

I haven't read everything and I don't really have an answer for you, but 6 months ago I was having similar thoughts. Been with my DH 30-odd years, also early 50s. I was struggling to see where our lives would go as we got older, also anticipating quite a small world but I still loved DH and my feelings would flip flop. DH sadly died in the summer, totally unexpectedly. I still have flip flop thoughts, they've just changed. Sometimes I can't imagine my new future without him, sometimes I'm excited about not stressing about all the small stuff you mentioned and doing what I want with no compromise. I guess what I'm saying is that him not being here hasn't really changed my thought process, just the subject matter of them.
I guess I'd just say be careful what you wish for and, if he won't go to couples counselling with you, maybe some for yourself to work out what you want your future to look like? It's what I was considering before DH died.

OMG. He would ask you what you were doing if you went to rearrange the clothes rack? He sounds deeply clingy.
I spend a lot of time alone in my room reading and writing, and would hate anyone to ask me what I am doing!

No, not all men are so clingy! DH is happy to colllapse before Netflix but he doesn't expect me to join him.

OP, your confusion is because you are in a hugely controlling marriage and are being suffocated.

I am married a long time and we irriate each other at times, total normal, but what you describe isn't the ticking of the odd box in a marriage, but loads of boxes, together which would have me long fxxking gone.

Definitely irritation increases as you age.

My husband pulled a flask out of a cupboard yesterday and said this doesn't have a top. He made no effort to find the top, in the admittedly packed cupboard that should be tidier, but isn't.

So I pulled out everything and found the top with out a word and put it on top of the flask.
He asked me because he does that, rather than look beyond his nose.
I love him and care for him so I said nothing.
But the truth is there are days that I am glad for the gun laws in this country🤣.

If he was a clingy, insecure controlling man with the above, I would be long long gone.
Too much.
Your husband knows he has issues and refuses to help himself or the marriage.
IMO this fully releases you from your vows.

I certainly wouldn't be agreeing to be together for retirement. No way.

Start building your network, getting organised, get finances organised and leave.
This is who he is.

I actually believe partners like that are primarily about being with someone, anyone, rather that you specifically.

Don't leave it till 10 years from now and waste another decade.

Interesting! Not even an ‘I won’t be back for dinner, so no need to make any for me’? Does he do the same? Do you have kids?

Communication seems to be the problem and solution. Bath story is hilarious 😅😅.

I m single 12 years, seperated from a good, yet selfish, sexist man. Neither of us has seriously coupled up since. He received much sympathy and support in the aftermath. Thanks patriarchy and mysogyny.

Pro s:all decisions are individual. Finances are not shared, which suits me, I m a saver.
Peace, contentment, no regular in law contact.

Cons : boredom, duplication of household maintenance, no sharing of life admin costs. Solo holidays I like, but I find many people are irritating, so even if I meet groups I don't necessarily want their company for long periods.

A lack of spontaneous fun, from daft exchanges, such as Bathgate.

I m wondering can you find the fun in the daft irritations?

Tell him he needs more hobbies, he is suffocating you.

It sounds like you don't have any big things to worry about so you are overly focussed on the trivial. If you leave you will have lots of big things to worry about, which may not be as much fun as you anticipate. What's wrong with going on some nice holidays meeting new people seeing new places? That will get you out of the rut just as much as being nicely alone somewhere, probably lonely and bored after a while. Count your blessings, the grass may look greener, but it likely isn't.

A lack of spontaneous fun, from daft exchanges, such as Bathgate.

I don't find it fun, I find it clingy and suffocating. Maybe that's a me problem, though?

I usually make dinner- or sometimes I don't- but it's always stuff that can be eaten later or chucked in fridge, so no drama if neither of us eats it. He goes out without announcing it either unless very late, often for a movie on his own. Our kids are adults. One lives at home but follows her own schedule and makes her own meals.

I have been married nearly 30 years and I wouldn't have made it this long if we were in each other's pockets. DH also likes space. We do stuff together too but also a lot apart.

@LupaMoonhowlsaid the women not having gone through it probably!

She can't go on hols alone as her clingy DH throws a tantrum. I am feeling claustrophobic just thinking about it!

If you do end up splitting up just make sure you can definitely afford it.

It doesn’t matter if it’s a ‘you’ problem, though. It’s not about being in the right or in the wrong. If you’re not happy, then you’re not happy. You really don’t need any further justification. That’s entirely sufficient.

Alrighty. We do lots of solo stuff, but always tell each other where we’re going and have a rough idea when the other person will be back. We have young DC, so it’s necessary - someone needs to be on childcare duty. However, we’ve always told each other that sort of stuff, so it’s not wholly because of the DC.

There’s obviously lots of setups that work for different couples, and it’s always interesting to hear how other people organise things. Thanks for sharing. 🙂

You need to tell him how you are feeling about this and that marriage counselling/therapy is crucial as you are at breaking point.

That may help to focus his mind as it doesn’t sound like your marriage will last without it.

Can you afford two separate places? With double the bills?

"We've had incidents in the past of him - completely without reason - accusing me of sleeping with other people, etc. He's stopped that because I told him we were done if it ever happened again, but his underlying issue is still there."

That shows that when you establish and enforce a clear boundary, he CAN stop the obnoxious controlling behaviour that is fed by his insecurity. It doesn't treat his insecurity but it does limit the impact of the insecurity on YOU.

At present, you are still pandering to that insecurity by not establishing and holding more boundaries. You mentioned endless negotiations: you don't negotiate your boundaries with an emotional interloper/vampire/terrorist, you state them and you grit your teeth and stick to them resolutely. Once you've stated - ONE TIME (you can reinforce that with an email or text) - why you're laying the boundary, thereafter you say "Asked and answered" to attempts to "discuss" (aka harry you until you back down).

Like going out/away on your own: Frank, I am going out to XX. I'll be back XX. I don't need your permission, Frank. Asked and answered, Frank. I refer you to my email of XX, Frank. Bye, see you at XXtime.

My H is an anxious attachment person due to domineering father and cold mother. If he could spend 100% of his time with me, he'd be in heaven. The need for reassurance and emotional security is a yawning gaping chasm; nothing I do can even begin to fill it. Nor do I want to. I had to draw stern boundaries early on because he was suffocating me. I would say, "We're not attached at the hip, H" and he'd back off.

However, the problem with people not working on the underlying cause of their insecure attachment means that it becomes a bit like whackamole for the partner: once you've identified an annoying behaviour and created a boundary, another annoying behaviour pops up that you've got to put a new boundary on. In a way, that whackamole pleases them, because it means you're paying attention to them, so boundary laying actually becomes part of the dysfunctional dance that reassures them. Meanwhile, you feel exhausted and overrun.

In my case, H did go to therapy, because I was about to divorce him for this (and other issues). The one thing he took away from it is that I am a separate person from him, that he should LISTEN to what I am saying (rather than ignore what didn't suit him), and not force ANYthing on me.

It was touch and go for a few years but he put what he learned into action. We rub on well and I can see myself growing old with him now, but for a long time I felt like you: waiting for the time to leave so that I can be free.

So strong and new boundaries, firmly and resolutely defended, might help, but ultimately he needs therapy. He WILL likely go to therapy when he realises with a cold sickening fear that you are setting your ducks in a row to leave.

You don't have to live like this.

Sorry for the duplicate posts, glitch in pressing post button.