I'm not sure that I want to grow old with DH

[onthelandtheseathesky]

I feel so, so bad writing this, but it's nagging away at me and I need advice from anyone who's ever been through the same.

DH is a kind and loving man. We've been together for 15 years. No kids together but he has been a brilliant stepdad to my now-adult ds (from my first marriage). Our relationship is generally pretty good, we have things in common, we can laugh together, etc. It's not 'bad' by any stretch of the imagination. There's absolutely no abuse of any sort. I know he loves me to bits.

But, god, I think about leaving all the time. I just want to be on my own, in my own space, with absolutely no questions or expectations of me. I'm so completely sick and tired of all the tiny daily compromises and adjustments and irritations of married life. Like the dirty cups left by the dishwasher, not put in it, or the clothes dumped on top of the washbasket. The constant questions - what are you reading, what were you doing upstairs, what time will you be back, what shall we have for dinner, which bin is it this week, where are my XYZs? And the bigger things - his endless complaining about his work, his anxiety and hypochondria, his lack of ambition, his anti-socialness (we have no 'joint friends' at all).

I'm early 50s, he's a little bit younger. He wants to retire early and has all these grand plans for us, travel etc. But it has started to feel stifling - like it would be just me and him forever, not even work to distract us, let alone any sort of social life beyond the two of us.

Sometimes I feel like I could walk tomorrow and never look back. Other times we have a laugh and I think, I must be mad to even think about chucking it all away. It would break his heart. He's really done nothing wrong, it"s just who he is and I knew all this before I married him. But I just want to scream sometimes!

I'm not sure what I'm hoping for from this post. Just want to know that I'm not a bad person for feeling this way?

Even if he was the nicest man in the world with no faults, that doesn’t mean you couldn’t/shouldn’t leave him if that was what you felt was the best option. I hate it when people say things like “oh, a man who loves you and doesn’t cheat/abuse you, is nice day to day and does a couple of chores? Of COURSE you shouldn’t leave him!” No. The bar should be much higher. A relationship should enhance your life most if not all of the time. Hell, even if it was perfect and life-enhancing but you just decided you wanted to be single, that’s fine!

Your further posts about his anxiety and clinginess though don’t paint such a rosy picture of your OP. The having to negotiate going away or seeing friends is stifling as you said, if not controlling. I second the suggestion of individual counselling for you to talk things through and work out who you are and what you want. But just because something is good enough some of the time doesn’t mean you can’t decide it isn’t good enough for you.

I don’t understand this - the op only needs to be able to afford 1 place for herself. There are plenty of options to make that possible. There are no joint dc to consider.

It is bliss 😁 I wouldn’t swap being single for anything. I don’t need a man (although I do like a lot of them generally, including my two gorgeous lovely sons). But no one is going to make demands on me ever again. (Except my kids, I’m always available for them).

And I’ve just put a pizza in the oven all for me 😊

True, it can be like this. Or it can be intensely lonely.

I felt that joy and freedom when breaking out of a bad relationship, and would rather have stayed alone than go wrong again.

But in a generally good relationship with someone you like, surely it’s better to try widening your friendship circle, join interest groups, volunteer to help with local events, take classes etc, and encourage him to come along too.

If none of those work, then yes, I’d agree it’s not worth giving up the rest of your life to someone you’re not happy with.

This is me. I honestly don’t understand posts asking op what if she doesn’t find anyone else? I can’t think of anything worse than meeting a man and having to share my home.

Why do you think the fastest growing group of singles is women over 50? I don’t know whether it’s menopause, realising we’ve spent our whole lives being wife’s and mothers or just wanting peace and space for the first time in decades but more and more mature women are choosing to stay single in their 50’s+

I have so many single professional friends in their mid 50's.
They are so happy, busy, fulfilled and look bloody amazing.
Every single one of them.

Sounds lush I’ve just had a plate of pancakes! I also have a son and he’s the only man in my life now 😂

100% - I can’t imagine anything b worse than finishing work and having to have a conversation with a man sharing my space. As for sharing my lovely Cody kingsize bed with a farting snoring twitching bloke - no no no no

The more detail you post the more suffocated I feel on your behalf. His insecurity, micromanaging, and need for constant reassurance is not a small thing. It sounds exhausting. It sounds like you have a needy child.

If you can't communicate the issues with him then nothing will change and the resentment will eat away at you. It's disappointing that he rejected marriage counselling previously, but I think it's time to address that option again.

I was going to post this.

My DH took this onboard, life is a lot better. I also shout occasionally, which is like kicking a puppy. But don't end up with a helpless, 24/7 man in retirement. We get on but it's still an adjustment.

@LouiseMadetheBestBroccoliPasta you're absolutely right. DH is from the same domineering father / cold mother dynamic and the chasm of insecurity you talk about is exactly the same. I can never make him feel secure and happy, he has to do that for himself.

My boundaries could be stronger, I could be less passive, though. I suppose if it's already in my head that I could / should leave, what's the worst that could happen if I start pushing back a bit? I've been afraid to because I don't want to trigger him. I want to keep everything sweet and cosy and safe for him, but that's not really right if it's at my expense, is it?

Me too. I’ve got a great group of 50+ female friends who love being single and can’t imagine giving that peace and quiet up.

I was out with a friend last night. I remember her saying when she split with her last ex after 10 years she’d take a year before she started dating again - that wax 4 years ago 😂 and she’s not looked at a man since!

Is it really? Doesn’t surprise me. I think it’s a combination of all the points you made. Thinking about it I see more happy single woman than happy single men after a certain age (ie no panic about time running out to start a family etc)

No, you need to put yourself first. Your H is putting himself first - why is it ok for him to do that but not you?
Find the roar inside you and live the life you want to lead.

Ah I see he is hugely insecure. I think that is a major issue in a relationship. It can also be very manipulative. This puts a different stance on it and is obviously a big contributor to you feeling stifled and wanting your freedom, which is not at all unreasonable.

Honestly, it's not even slightly on my radar. This is my 2nd marriage, the first was horribly abusive in all kinds of ways. I was on my own (with ds) for 8 years before DH, I have no fear of the single life at all! I would never ever compromise myself for a man ever again.

Are you on hrt op?I felt like you do but since starting hrt them feelings have gone now.

In my own experience with relationships I just ended up swapping different partners with different issues. So different person, different issues (theirs) same results (me wanting out). This is a big reason why I won’t ever have a relationship again. It’s been ten years since I made that decision and no regrets.

The grass is not always greener, if you have a good husband maybe you commit how you feel to him and give him a chance before you walk. Your not a bad person but id have a look at menopause symptoms too. If your sons wife was feeling like this about your son what would your advice to her be?

10 years for me too. Wouldn’t change it, won’t change it.
I can honestly say I have not seen one long term couple whose relationship I envy. What I do see in those relationships are that 99% of the time it is the woman compromising.

I don’t think that in itself is unusual. If there were others in the house I’d say I was running myself a bath rather than just disappear.

I agree. I do have friends in long happy marriages but both partners seem to make the effort, which is vital, but I don’t know what goes on or how much compromise has been made. They do seem to like each other though and that is very important. Aside from those couples I know several more who aren’t really happy but will likely never leave, they have put too many years in (30/40) for them to change it. A number of them have actually expressed envy at my single status though.

Good point, and it made me think. I realise I almost always tell DH where I’m going or what I’m intending to do, as it would feel odd to walk off without a word. Same if I’m with friends.
Now I’ve been thinking what I’d do in other circumstances. I wouldn’t feel the need to tell colleagues I was going to eg speak to someone in the next room, but I do say if I’m going for lunch, or away for a longer time.
Do most people do the same?

No, that's his problem. What does he say when you ask him not to micromanage you and ask constantly totally irritating questions about what you're doing?