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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I'm not sure that I want to grow old with DH

228 replies

onthelandtheseathesky · 21/11/2025 22:28

I feel so, so bad writing this, but it's nagging away at me and I need advice from anyone who's ever been through the same.

DH is a kind and loving man. We've been together for 15 years. No kids together but he has been a brilliant stepdad to my now-adult ds (from my first marriage). Our relationship is generally pretty good, we have things in common, we can laugh together, etc. It's not 'bad' by any stretch of the imagination. There's absolutely no abuse of any sort. I know he loves me to bits.

But, god, I think about leaving all the time. I just want to be on my own, in my own space, with absolutely no questions or expectations of me. I'm so completely sick and tired of all the tiny daily compromises and adjustments and irritations of married life. Like the dirty cups left by the dishwasher, not put in it, or the clothes dumped on top of the washbasket. The constant questions - what are you reading, what were you doing upstairs, what time will you be back, what shall we have for dinner, which bin is it this week, where are my XYZs? And the bigger things - his endless complaining about his work, his anxiety and hypochondria, his lack of ambition, his anti-socialness (we have no 'joint friends' at all).

I'm early 50s, he's a little bit younger. He wants to retire early and has all these grand plans for us, travel etc. But it has started to feel stifling - like it would be just me and him forever, not even work to distract us, let alone any sort of social life beyond the two of us.

Sometimes I feel like I could walk tomorrow and never look back. Other times we have a laugh and I think, I must be mad to even think about chucking it all away. It would break his heart. He's really done nothing wrong, it"s just who he is and I knew all this before I married him. But I just want to scream sometimes!

I'm not sure what I'm hoping for from this post. Just want to know that I'm not a bad person for feeling this way?

OP posts:
Original poster
onthelandtheseathesky · 22/11/2025 10:31

Thanks all, lots of really helpful and sensible posts here, lots to think about.

Just to clarify that I am absolutely not thinking about leaving to find someone else. Just, no. That's the whole point really, I'm simply done with having to think about amyone else's needs or wants or worries. I just want, as a pp said, autonomy, and peace.

Living separately would not be an option, he'd never ever agree to that. Separate holidays - well, I might get away with a weekend away but anything more than that would require hours of negotiation and reassurance that i wasn't secretly leaving him. I arranged to see a friend in a few weeks time to go and do a particular thing that he's not interested in, and he asked why he wasn't invited. Because you'd hate it ffs!

I'm making him sound awful, which he really isn't. We do have fun, enjoy each other's company. I don't have the ick (although sex has severely dwindled we are affectionate) but I just feel like I don't want the responsibility of it all anymore. If that makes sense, which it probably doesn't!

I know no one can give me the answer, but your replies have been really helpful, so thank you!

OP posts:
Luckyingame · 22/11/2025 10:32

I absolutely hear you, OP. Absolutely understand. I'm 46, child free, married for 20 years, husband kind, extremely generous (lucrative marriage),
I never had to worry about anything.
For past ten years, I have been thinking what being by myself would be like, what sort of apartment would I choose, what sort of life would I have - without him.
Peace and quiet, but is it really happiness? ❤️

WhatIsAScottishEgg · 22/11/2025 10:34

I really do think counselling would help here. If only to help you articulate and clarify your thoughts.

Holluschickie · 22/11/2025 10:35

onthelandtheseathesky · 22/11/2025 10:31

Thanks all, lots of really helpful and sensible posts here, lots to think about.

Just to clarify that I am absolutely not thinking about leaving to find someone else. Just, no. That's the whole point really, I'm simply done with having to think about amyone else's needs or wants or worries. I just want, as a pp said, autonomy, and peace.

Living separately would not be an option, he'd never ever agree to that. Separate holidays - well, I might get away with a weekend away but anything more than that would require hours of negotiation and reassurance that i wasn't secretly leaving him. I arranged to see a friend in a few weeks time to go and do a particular thing that he's not interested in, and he asked why he wasn't invited. Because you'd hate it ffs!

I'm making him sound awful, which he really isn't. We do have fun, enjoy each other's company. I don't have the ick (although sex has severely dwindled we are affectionate) but I just feel like I don't want the responsibility of it all anymore. If that makes sense, which it probably doesn't!

I know no one can give me the answer, but your replies have been really helpful, so thank you!

Ok now I understand why you feel suffocated. I go away for as much as a week at a time on my own. DH makes no objection at all. Sometimes he goes away for a week. I couldn't put up with an insecure man. I go in and out without asking his permission, as does he. ( adult children).
He needs to give you a lot more space!

SquishyGloopyBum · 22/11/2025 10:37

Blimey, I can understand why you feel so stifled. Hours of negotiation is not good.

I would force counselling. He doesn’t want to go because the status quo suits him. He isn’t meeting your needs though and the resentment will just grow.

Original poster
onthelandtheseathesky · 22/11/2025 10:39

@Holluschickie Yeah, he is hugely insecure. That's probably the underlying issue, really. He knows it, admits it, won't do anything to try and change it. He had a difficult childhood, difficult family relationships, I think subconsciously he clings to me. We've had incidents in the past of him - completely without reason - accusing me of sleeping with other people, etc. He's stopped that because I told him we were done if it ever happened again, but his underlying issue is still there.

So, whilst I do love him and can see what a good guy he is, I'm over being clung to.

OP posts:
Guildford321 · 22/11/2025 10:44

I wouldn't leave just yet. I absolutely wouldn't put up with carrying the domestic load though. Get a cleaner and or try and fix the issue of him asking you shit. Pick a tactic. Ignore him when he asks what bin day it is, tell him to fuck off and find out himself, whatever works for you but stop all that nonsense in it's tracks. Don't engage with the bullshit about going away/leaving him. Just be blunt. I'm going away with Jackie next week on a reading retreat. I'll be back on Saturday. No I'm not leaving you and I won't even discuss that topic again with you.
Time to find your no shits to give attitude.

NorWouldTilly · 22/11/2025 10:45

So … He would rather be divorced than stay married and live separately?

CrystalSingerFan · 22/11/2025 10:46

Trying to repove duplicate post. Is it possible?

CrystalSingerFan · 22/11/2025 10:46

@GarlicHound suggested: "See how much you like yourself when you rely on yourself."

I really like this suggestion. Brilliant idea.

NorWouldTilly · 22/11/2025 10:49

I’ll be frank. I think if you divorced he would replace you probably within a year.

Because it doesn’t sound as if he would accept being on his own. Your marriage has lasted because you’ve accommodated his requirements. But for him, it may not have to be you who does that. He could train someone else up pdq.

🤷‍♀️

Holluschickie · 22/11/2025 10:49

I would absolutely insist on counselling.
He needs to stop relying on you for everything.
I must admit I get frustrated that DH has become very anti social in his 50s.But he doesn't have a problem with me going out at all or making my own friends.

AlertCat · 22/11/2025 10:53

It sounds as if you’d benefit from a bit more space. Maybe start there- that’s the compromise between staying as you are and splitting up.

NorWouldTilly · 22/11/2025 10:55

I’m reminded of the woman on another thread who worked somewhere for twenty five years, who, when she left, received - a bunch of flowers.

You may think you’re irreplaceable and your relationship is uniquely valuable (to both of you). He may just need a wife …

FirstdatesFred · 22/11/2025 10:58

I think personally the right thing to do is write down your feelings somewhere (private!) and give yourself a time frame to check in with yourself about how you're feeling.

You need to test if this is a passing feeling, related to hormonal changes, or how you genuinely feel and it's not going to change.

You could also consider if he'd be open to making changes to some of the things you find annoying. Like not asking you what you're doing all the time, and making an effort to socialise together.

peanutbutterkid · 22/11/2025 11:00

Friend said something interesting last weekend, maybe a truth. Friend's story was like this, about a convo with her DD (Amy) & her ex-husband (Frank)

Amy said that Frank's new wife is really nasty to Frank. Amy asked why does he put up with that and I had to say "When you love someone, all that mean treatment doesn't matter because you love them so much. You just won't give up on them."

Friend still has feelings for Frank so this was hard for her explain.
She's right though, the irritating shit is tolerable or even charming when the love is strong. But if the love goes, it's just irritating shit.

I got divorced in a similar situation to you, OP. I had given up trying to talk things thru to improve the relationship, he wouldn't engage like that. Divorce was the best decision EVER and I get along so much better now with my ex when we do see each other. I think he's much happier now, too.

I know some older (age 70+) couples who hate each other's guts. I am glad I dodged that fate. Growing old alone is daunting but if the only moment of feeling alive every day is because of all the ways you hate your housemate.... neah, I aspire to better.

I also know many-decades-long married couples who still truly like each other. We all deserve a fate as good as that.

Twinkyinthecity · 22/11/2025 11:03

Is it feasible to take a break? Live in a hotel for a few weeks or rented for 6months? See how you both feel..

Original poster
onthelandtheseathesky · 22/11/2025 11:05

Like just now, I said 'I'm going to have a bath', then went into the kitchen, emptied the dishwasher (so a maybe 2-minute job). As I came out he said, so are you having a bath then? Because I hadn't gone upstairs that very second and run a bath, he needed to question it. It's like this all the time. Micromanaging, constant questioning.

And I know how incredibly daft it sounds to want to.leave him because he asked me if I was having a bath! But it's just so wearing. Every day, what where who when. I just want to live my life without being under the fucking microscope all the time.

OP posts:
ForZanyAquaViewer · 22/11/2025 11:07

onthelandtheseathesky · 21/11/2025 22:35

It's not that easy though, is it? And surely all marriages are a bit like this, petty irritations and annoyances with good bits too? He's a good guy, he's really not doing anything 'wrong'. I don't know why I feel this way.

Honestly, no. I like my husband. Not just love him, actively like him. I never think of leaving him. My marriage makes me happy.

If yours isn’t making you happy, you don’t have to factor in kids and you’re financially stable, I’d end it. Why not?

Plus, as he’s only in his late forties (I’m guessing, from what you’ve said) it’s very possible he’ll meet someone else and start an entirely new (hopefully happy) family, if he’s so inclined. This could end well for both of you.

NorWouldTilly · 22/11/2025 11:09

Can you say why you announced your intended bathing venture? Can’t you just do it? Why does he need to know?

ForZanyAquaViewer · 22/11/2025 11:13

NorWouldTilly · 22/11/2025 11:09

Can you say why you announced your intended bathing venture? Can’t you just do it? Why does he need to know?

Completely separate to the post, but if you were sitting with your DH (or anyone else) and then got up and left to do something, you wouldn’t say what you were doing/where you were going? I always would/have, as would everyone else I know.

I've never thought about it before this comment, but I wonder if most people do/don’t. I might start a (obviously deeply interesting) thread and ask. 🤣

BunnyLake · 22/11/2025 11:13

onthelandtheseathesky · 22/11/2025 10:31

Thanks all, lots of really helpful and sensible posts here, lots to think about.

Just to clarify that I am absolutely not thinking about leaving to find someone else. Just, no. That's the whole point really, I'm simply done with having to think about amyone else's needs or wants or worries. I just want, as a pp said, autonomy, and peace.

Living separately would not be an option, he'd never ever agree to that. Separate holidays - well, I might get away with a weekend away but anything more than that would require hours of negotiation and reassurance that i wasn't secretly leaving him. I arranged to see a friend in a few weeks time to go and do a particular thing that he's not interested in, and he asked why he wasn't invited. Because you'd hate it ffs!

I'm making him sound awful, which he really isn't. We do have fun, enjoy each other's company. I don't have the ick (although sex has severely dwindled we are affectionate) but I just feel like I don't want the responsibility of it all anymore. If that makes sense, which it probably doesn't!

I know no one can give me the answer, but your replies have been really helpful, so thank you!

I do know what you mean to an extent. My kids are young adult and left home and I know I will never date again. I’ve been single for many years and couldn’t deal with the wants, needs and expectations of a partner. I do what I want when I want, even if that is doing nothing at all. Today it’s cold and raining and I am going to spend the day indoors, under a heated blanket on the sofa, watching Netflix, scrolling MN, eating what I want when I want and I don’t have to do anything for anyone, and I love it.

My ex was (and still is) an arse though and that does colour the fact that I don’t want anyone in my life again. I just cannot be arsed with it all (and don’t care about sex anymore). I’m not a tactile or huggy person either (except I was a huggy mum) so don’t miss that on a relationship level). I do have friends though and that is important if you’re single (at least it is to me).

You have to weigh up the pros and cons of staying or leaving. It’s easy to leave an arsehole, maybe not so easy to leave a basically nice person.

BunnyLake · 22/11/2025 11:16

onthelandtheseathesky · 22/11/2025 10:31

Thanks all, lots of really helpful and sensible posts here, lots to think about.

Just to clarify that I am absolutely not thinking about leaving to find someone else. Just, no. That's the whole point really, I'm simply done with having to think about amyone else's needs or wants or worries. I just want, as a pp said, autonomy, and peace.

Living separately would not be an option, he'd never ever agree to that. Separate holidays - well, I might get away with a weekend away but anything more than that would require hours of negotiation and reassurance that i wasn't secretly leaving him. I arranged to see a friend in a few weeks time to go and do a particular thing that he's not interested in, and he asked why he wasn't invited. Because you'd hate it ffs!

I'm making him sound awful, which he really isn't. We do have fun, enjoy each other's company. I don't have the ick (although sex has severely dwindled we are affectionate) but I just feel like I don't want the responsibility of it all anymore. If that makes sense, which it probably doesn't!

I know no one can give me the answer, but your replies have been really helpful, so thank you!

I do know what you mean to an extent. My kids are young adult and left home and I know I will never date again. I’ve been single for many years and couldn’t deal with the wants, needs and expectations of a partner. I do what I want when I want, even if that is doing nothing at all. Today it’s cold and raining and I am going to spend the day indoors, under a heated blanket on the sofa, watching Netflix, scrolling MN, eating what I want when I want and I don’t have to do anything for anyone, and I love it.

My ex was (and still is) an arse though and that does colour the fact that I don’t want anyone in my life again. I just cannot be doing with it all (and don’t care about sex anymore). I’m not a tactile or huggy person either (except I am a huggy mum) so don’t miss that on a relationship level. I do have friends and that is important if you’re single (at least it is to me).

You have to weigh up the pros and cons of staying or leaving. It’s easy to leave an arsehole and be single, maybe not so easy to leave a basically nice person for long term or permanent singledom?

BunnyLake · 22/11/2025 11:16

onthelandtheseathesky · 22/11/2025 10:31

Thanks all, lots of really helpful and sensible posts here, lots to think about.

Just to clarify that I am absolutely not thinking about leaving to find someone else. Just, no. That's the whole point really, I'm simply done with having to think about amyone else's needs or wants or worries. I just want, as a pp said, autonomy, and peace.

Living separately would not be an option, he'd never ever agree to that. Separate holidays - well, I might get away with a weekend away but anything more than that would require hours of negotiation and reassurance that i wasn't secretly leaving him. I arranged to see a friend in a few weeks time to go and do a particular thing that he's not interested in, and he asked why he wasn't invited. Because you'd hate it ffs!

I'm making him sound awful, which he really isn't. We do have fun, enjoy each other's company. I don't have the ick (although sex has severely dwindled we are affectionate) but I just feel like I don't want the responsibility of it all anymore. If that makes sense, which it probably doesn't!

I know no one can give me the answer, but your replies have been really helpful, so thank you!

I do know what you mean to an extent. My kids are young adult and left home and I know I will never date again. I’ve been single for many years and couldn’t deal with the wants, needs and expectations of a partner. I do what I want when I want, even if that is doing nothing at all. Today it’s cold and raining and I am going to spend the day indoors, under a heated blanket on the sofa, watching Netflix, scrolling MN, eating what I want when I want and I don’t have to do anything for anyone, and I love it.

My ex was (and still is) an arse though and that does colour the fact that I don’t want anyone in my life again. I just cannot be doing with it all (and don’t care about sex anymore). I’m not a tactile or huggy person either (except I am a huggy mum) so don’t miss that on a relationship level. I do have friends and that is important if you’re single (at least it is to me).

You have to weigh up the pros and cons of staying or leaving. It’s easy to leave an arsehole and be single, maybe not so easy to leave a basically nice person for long term or permanent singledom?

BunnyLake · 22/11/2025 11:17

onthelandtheseathesky · 22/11/2025 10:31

Thanks all, lots of really helpful and sensible posts here, lots to think about.

Just to clarify that I am absolutely not thinking about leaving to find someone else. Just, no. That's the whole point really, I'm simply done with having to think about amyone else's needs or wants or worries. I just want, as a pp said, autonomy, and peace.

Living separately would not be an option, he'd never ever agree to that. Separate holidays - well, I might get away with a weekend away but anything more than that would require hours of negotiation and reassurance that i wasn't secretly leaving him. I arranged to see a friend in a few weeks time to go and do a particular thing that he's not interested in, and he asked why he wasn't invited. Because you'd hate it ffs!

I'm making him sound awful, which he really isn't. We do have fun, enjoy each other's company. I don't have the ick (although sex has severely dwindled we are affectionate) but I just feel like I don't want the responsibility of it all anymore. If that makes sense, which it probably doesn't!

I know no one can give me the answer, but your replies have been really helpful, so thank you!

I do know what you mean to an extent. My kids are young adult and left home and I know I will never date again. I’ve been single for many years and couldn’t deal with the wants, needs and expectations of a partner. I do what I want when I want, even if that is doing nothing at all. Today it’s cold and raining and I am going to spend the day indoors, under a heated blanket on the sofa, watching Netflix, scrolling MN, eating what I want when I want and I don’t have to do anything for anyone, and I love it.

My ex was (and still is) an arse though and that does colour the fact that I don’t want anyone in my life again. I just cannot be doing with it all (and don’t care about sex anymore). I’m not a tactile or huggy person either (except I am a huggy mum) so don’t miss that on a relationship level. I do have friends and that is important if you’re single (at least it is to me).

You have to weigh up the pros and cons of staying or leaving. It’s easy to leave an arsehole and be single, maybe not so easy to leave a basically nice person for long term or permanent singledom?