Married to someone with Asperger’s/ASD/ND: support thread 17

[SpecialMangeTout3]

New thread.
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This thread is for those of us seeking to explore the dynamics of long term relationships with our ND partners. Some of us are ND ourselves, very many of us have ND children. It is a support thread, and a safe space, it does get emotional at times. Avoid sweeping generalisations if possible, try and keep it specific to you and your partner.
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It's complicated and it's emotional.
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The old thread is here.
https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5355546-married-to-someone-with-aspergersasdnd-support-thread-16?page=10&reply=148665446

I need to be me in a relationship and the other person be them and we love each other for who we are and make accommodations for each other so they/me can be the best version. How can I be “me” if all we do is sacrifice and squash all we are so that they can be them. Where do we go? How much sacrifice is enough?

I find my SIL has lost her identify for my brother and my mum enforces it. She waits for him to come home, she looks after the kids. He leaves for work in the night and doesn’t tell anyone. He leaves her alone with kids when she’s sick. She suffers terrible anxiety which has got so bad she can’t really leave the house. She has no her anymore. This isn’t an accommodation in my eyes it’s an inhalation of her so he can get his needs met. His special interest comes first.

Sorry to bombard. I can’t help but come to the realisation that @AttilaTheMeerkat was somewhat correct on my original thread and I have been given the special treatment over decades to put my needs last. For whatever reason ND/narcissism. My bro has a wife who has had the special treatment. I’m rebelling and I’m just realising how I’ve been raised. I want my needs met by my family and I won’t. My needs are equally as important then anyone’s even if they are ND, even if I have fewer, even if I accommodate others particular ones, even though I’m ND myself. It’s not selfish to want my needs met, to be happy, to feel good and loved.

Uhoh, I think I may have seen the first signs of DS matching DH's stroppiness in a teenage way. This will not be fun. 😕

Update... I went to the gym earlier expecting there to be an explosion by the time I got back, but they'd talked it over and made up and both apologised. I was very relieved, as DH seemed very much still on the warpath this morning.

@Theydontwantme , please carry in ‘bombarding’ if it helps you get clarity. :)

im just going to agree with you all the way.
Your needs are worth it. It’s totally normal and ok to expect those basic needs to be met. You shouldn’t need to disappear to appease anyone. Parent or partner.
And whether, it’s about ND or NT with a ‘disorder/problem’ that causes their behaviour, it doesn’t matter. Your needs are still valuable.

In some ways, if you know it’s an ND issue, then you also this is much more set in stone. Some stuff will always be there Regardkess of how much effort theyre putting in. (The biggest issue being to recognise what is and what isn’t changeable. I’ve been guilty of assuming dh could change very little. I know other people who’ve been assuming, dreaming?, they could change more than they could)

I’m just going to say very gently.
Your mother might never change and you might never have the mother-daughter relationship you’d want. That’s huge. And is heartbreaking in itself.
Your dd though has time. She is still young. She isn’t (as) set in her ways. Shell mature too, slower than other children/teenager but she will. Looking at dc2, who had no friends, couldn’t even name the people he was having lunch with everyday 😵‍💫😵‍💫, he changed so much as a teenager and a young adult. She’ll get there. Not the least because she has a mum who is self aware, supportive and knowledgeable of ND.

@Echobelly thats great result! im impressed both by your ds and your DH re apologising I have to say.

is your dh still taking the max dose?

I’ve come away after spending some time with family today and I just feel so deflated and sad really. I’m sure you are supposed to come away from people feeling happy and energised. The conversations were empty, no interest in me, in us, no talk about anything that we’ve been going through. No pep talks, no positive talks no happy talks no interest in our lives. I feel like an outsider, a stranger, I get nothing from spending time with them. I’m not myself, I’m not able to talk freely and easily, there are sideways shifting eyes. I mean they talk in a happy manner I suppose but of nothing remotely connecting. These people could be anyone but they are supposed to be your intimate people, your support leaving you feeling better and visa versa. What is the point, we are strangers.

He had a titration appointment on Sunday and they've moved him to a slightly lower dose and he's just started that today, but I think won't be taking tomorrow because we have a NYE party to go to (and he'll want to drink).

I do wish he hadn't gone to pick up the prescription yesterday 5 mins before we were due to leave for lunch with my sister (which he knew was the case), without telling me where he was going, not answering his phone and then going to 4 different pharmacies because nowhere had the dosage he needed. I rarely get cross but I was seriously pissed off because I hate being late and also I was worried - for all I knew he'd gone out for a take-out coffee and had a heart attack or something! It took us 20 minutes to find him.

Funnily enough he did finally find the dosage in a chemist by the restaurant in the end.

@Theydontwantme 🫂🫂
once you realise that what you thought was family isn’t what it looked like on the surface, you can’t unsee it. And it’s hard. I’m sorry.

@Echobelly i can see why it would drive you crazy. Not the right time but also not answering the phone??

I’ve performed and masked even tried to take up the same hobbies and like the same things to feel loved and seen but I can’t anymore. I started baking cakes like my SIL as my mum responds well to this, it’s pathetic of me but I understand why I did it.

Is it a NT thing or just a jerk thing to sit and talk about money and who’s bought what and whose has what house and whose looking to buy this and that…..I feel it as bragging but I’m not sure if that’s just me. I don’t value possessions or money and have no interest in what other people have or don’t have. Most of my family talk like this and are happy talking about it.

@Theydontwantmeto me, as someone NT, it’s completely normal to discuss houses, and whether or not people are buying somewhere. Personally I find it interesting, I wouldn’t necessarily see it as bragging. We tend not to discuss money per se. Discussing what you’re going to buy isn’t a bad thing it’s a way of gauging others opinions or experiences of what you’re doing. I wouldn’t class it as negative behaviour, I get it may be completely uninteresting but you seem to be reading a lot of negativity into it. If they are are lording it over someone else because of their wealth and saying someone is less than them because they can’t afford things that’s unpleasant, but just discussing cost of living / wealth and purchasing of things is regular conversation.

Perhaps it’s me then. I don’t want to talk about people I don’t know and what they buying, then they say something un-kind about it and it feels like they are trying to big themselves up. If I say something like oh, I like to make things they’ll say, just buy it why bother etc. The entire conversation sometimes is about what strangers are doing and buying. It’s all about branded goods and beating the neighbours and looking better. I can’t find a way into these conversations. I have no desire to look better then anyone, why would you want to feel better then people?

They also NameDrop….guess what Sharron 3 door down next street has done/got? I don’t know them so I don’t really care to know. Let’s talk about what we’ve done….. but there’s no interest in that.

I’ve been with autistic DH for more than 25 years although we’ve only known he is autistic in the past few years. Have DC’s who are ND too. I’m the only NT and struggle a great deal. My question is do other people worry what message it gives our young adult children if we struggle with our ND husband/wife/partner? When the bad times have rolled around again and it feels as though I cannot live this way anymore, where I feel so alone and empty, I stop and think that my kids will get the message that they will struggle to, or may never, have a successful relationship due to their ND. I feel as though I cannot do this to them as I can see how hard their lives are already and so I try my utmost to make the best of the situation instead. I know that people may say that I’m teaching them very poor coping skills and not setting a great example of a loving relationship but I want them to have hope for their futures, that they will meet someone who loves them and wants to live life with them.

I may be in the same boat @Mydoghealsmyheart (though not convinced I am NT, but maybe more so than DH and the kids). I am a very tolerant person, maybe too tolerant - if anything I may have gone too easy on DH, even before we knew he had ADHD.

I wouldn't read too much into it in terms of what effect your struggles may have on your kids - people are generally resilient and can negotiate this sort of thing in their minds. How old are your kids?

They’re young adults.

@Theydontwantme ahh that sounds like they are very materialistic and very much keeping up with the Jones’ trying to out do other people. That isn’t comfortable or enjoyable conversation and that’s not what I’m talking about. If I have a conversation with friends or family about this stuff it’s generally an exchange of ideas or simple curiosity but it’s never an attempt to paint ourselves as better. My friends and family very much admire the ability to make stuff yourself or make a saving by being considerate about reuse etc. so don’t worry I think your approach is far nicer. Examining their own lives and what they are or are not really achieving may be too uncomfortable for them so hence the constant deflection.

See yesterday I was talking about my downstairs bathroom. It’s needs a bit of tlc but not to the point of just ripping out. In any case I’m not that kind of person who wants to spend money as if it’s nothing. I wanted some suggestions on how to tart it up a bit. I like to make things mine and unique. All I got was it’s just money, go to work more rip it out and make it nice, I’m going to rip mine out and make it better. I don’t want a grey fancy bathroom like everyone else. I can’t really stand my brother, it’s all about what everyone has. He’s in this competition with the neighbour over Xmas lights and the neighbour I’ve no doubt has any idea. He’s in competition with the people at work over the work van and he must have the newest. I have zero interest in this. Yes they are very materialistic and big headed if you ask me. My brother doesn’t have friends and I can see why if he’s always in competition.

@Mydoghealsmyheart same situation here.
dh is autistic, dc2 too.

I feel that getting divorced from an autistic husband is ok.
For me, is about having your needs met. Having similar values. If some of those aren’t met or incompatible, then it’s ok to get divorced. You’re allowed and entitied to have needs and for those needs to be met. Whatever disability one has (were talking about ND here but it could be any other disability) does not entitied someone to never experience divorce, have their needs met at the expense of someone else.

if I was getting divorced tomorrow (and this is something I’ve contemplated many many times), my message to dh and the dcs would be around my needs, not being happy. It wouldn’t include autism iyswim.

Having said, it’s very hard to look ahead and see how hard life will be for your dcs due their ND. I’m 🤞🤞 that dc2 will meet someone who is ND and will be able to meet him where he is. As it is, I’m not aware he ever had a relationship (dc2 is early 20). I’m just hoping somehow he’ll be able to make a happy life fir himself, regardless of how it will look like.

Solidarity. That's exactly where I'm at.

@ByTheHour , really sorry to hear that. Feel free to message me, always happy to chat if helpful. I totally get it ( having sat reconcing dd's personal budget again this am whilst he was on his phone).

I haven’t been around on here for a while, partly as things have been relatively calm in my world. DH’s last rage-fuelled tantrum was a while back, and I seem to have brokered some kind of entente cordiale by never disagreeing with anything he says, not letting him pull me into discussions where we might end up falling out, overlooking it when he says shitty things to me, and generally not asking him to do much beyond cook the occasional meal.

I also think he might have realised that his last meltdown went too far, as he is being very jolly and loving, in a way that I recognise from our early days. I guess it’s a form of love bombing, although less intense. But I’m so aware that it’s a mask that could slip at any moment, especially if I let my guard down.

I’m sorry some of you are having a difficult time. I don’t feel like I have much wisdom to share right now, but I think putting yourself first makes a huge difference, if you can do it. I’ve been getting out for walks and exercise classes and I feel so much better for it. If you can go with a friend then even better. I swear chatting to the friends who ‘get it’ is almost as good as therapy. Wishing you all a better 2026…

Can you have an open discussion with your kids about it then? Like 'I know your dad and I have our challenges but I don't want you to think it will always be hard for you too'

@lostmywayrightnow - sorry for everything you are going through, don't feel guilty for venting. Can you find ways to ask for what you need?

@Mydoghealsmyheart I worry about my daughter also. But I hope that she will find a partner who is more compatible as she learns about herself and the ASD and who she is before she creates masks and defences. I think a lot of undiagnosed people or those diagnosed late don’t really understand themselves. They meet partners whilst wearing a heavy mask. I know I had a relationship with a man before I was diagnosed and I was heavily masking to keep up with him. He was very social and outgoing and I made myself sick trying to keep up and I’m sure I held him back and I also made myself feel awful about myself in the process. We were so incompatible.

We also have personalities outside of the ASD that people are attracted to. The relationship with your partner might not work outside of the ASD, he may just not be right. My current partner is Autistic but he is a funny funny man who messes up a lot but he does it with complete innocence and he is very gentle.

I would just make the definition clear that it’s not the isolated ASD causing the problem.