Married to someone with Asperger’s/ASD/ND: support thread 17

[SpecialMangeTout3]

New thread.
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This thread is for those of us seeking to explore the dynamics of long term relationships with our ND partners. Some of us are ND ourselves, very many of us have ND children. It is a support thread, and a safe space, it does get emotional at times. Avoid sweeping generalisations if possible, try and keep it specific to you and your partner.
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It's complicated and it's emotional.
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The old thread is here.
https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5355546-married-to-someone-with-aspergersasdnd-support-thread-16?page=10&reply=148665446

New here 👋 hello everyone!

I’ve stumbled upon this thread a few times but kept going off because DH doesn’t have a diagnosis so I was doubting myself.

Our marriage has been so difficult, and we went to counselling last year. DH talked in the sessions but I never felt that he took anything away with him to work on. When we moved on to separate sessions, the counsellor did an ADHD assessment on DH and that came back as him not having it (though based on the things he told me, it would seem his DD definitely has it).
But the recent posts I’ve read on here are so familiar that I just wanted to try and make some sense of it all.

We argue so much. When it comes to money, he doesn’t prioritise in the way he should and it holds us back so much. He doesn’t help around the house unless I eventually lose it and he thinks I’m going to leave.
He will often agree to something then say he didn’t agree and he’s doing things his way.
If I try to address anything with him he goes silent, usually for days (though it has also been weeks).
I was ill earlier this year, having tests and waiting for biopsy results, having a procedure, and was completely alone. He said he cared but never showed it, in fact we kept falling out about it and then he just buggered off out with friends. If I said he was being unfair and selfish, it ended up with “so I can’t even go out with my friends”
I can see he’s capable of making an effort and showing care for his DD, though he can at times struggle with her emotions.

I keep getting caught in a cycle of being unsure whether he’s purposely stonewalling me to get his own way without accountability, or whether he just can’t cope with the conflict (even if I try to approach it in a calm and caring way) but if this is the case why keep doing things that he knows will cause conflict?!

I am at the end of my tether. I can literally be crying because I’m so hurt and alone, and he seems completely unfazed by it.

I don’t know whether he’s just completely selfish and doesn’t actually care about me, or whether he lacks the capacity to be there for me in the way I need.

Sorry for the ramble. I guess what I am asking is, based on your experience, could it be possible that the ADHD assessment was wrong, or is my DH just a selfish person and I’m being a fool

I know the frustration of 'thinking he's agreed to something as you've had a conversation where has agreed to it, but then he insists he hasn't agreed to it'. I had about 6 conversations with DH about getting new lights in the front room, he kept insisting he knew nothing about it, and eventually when I said 'The electricians are coming tomorrow' it was 'Electricians? What for?' fortunately he was OK with it. (We also then had a dozen discussions about repainting the front room and we had agreement on a colour, only he changed his mind a few days before the decorator was due). Sorry, I know that's all quite superficial compared with what you were dealing with @Thisisforty , but solidarity about the mixed signals thing anyway.

He sounds more like my DH who is autistic @Thisisforty, is that something you had considered?

The stonewalling may be a ‘shut down’ which is pretty much what you’d imagine from the name. There are good resources from this on Megan Neff’s Neurodivergent Insights website.

You might find it helpful to Google internal presentation of autism as some of what you’re saying rings bells that eg he might feel empathy but be completely unable to express it. Another important co morbidity would be alexithymia, which is an inability to recognise and n lame one’s emotions.

Finalky many of us are on the thread with avoidant partners, and those who suffer rejection sensitivity dysphoria as these can result in a complete inability to communicate about relationship issues.

Sorry to have just posted loads of things to research, I just wanted to send solidarity and a hug as well 💐

@Apex3 how was your Christmas? Hope it went well.

@Thisisforty it doesn’t really matter if he can’t or won’t he’s making you miserable and life is too short to keep going with that nonsense, if there are no joint children involved then it’s easier. You’re allowed to walk away and live a happier life where you aren’t second guessing yourself and you know you only need to rely on yourself.

@Thisisforty or maybe he is BOTH,
Both ADHD and a twat.
Both disabled and abusive.

The reality is that you’ve told him clearly the impact of his actions. He did nothing (or for no more than a few days).
Thats telling you what you need to know. Whether it’s a willfull action or from ADHD, it doesn’t matter. Hes shown you he can’t or won’t change.

Don’t spend years trying to make him see the light. Don’t live in the hope he’ll change. He has shown you who he is or his limitations.
You need to decide what you want your life to be look like first yourself. Not around him

@Thisisforty I recognise a lot of this behaviour - I’m sorry you’re having a tough time.

To some extent it doesn’t matter about the diagnosis. My DH is so clearly autistic, as are his entire family, that it doesn’t matter to me that he doesn’t have (and probably never will have) a diagnosis. If reading about ND marriages helps you navigate your own marriage, then that’s all that matters. I also think a lot of these men are AuDHD, but again it doesn’t matter about the diagnosis - use the info that works for you.

I’ve got to the point where I just do things around the house, with or without agreement. If he objects then my question is, “What are you doing to take care of this house?”

Other options are to record the conversation on voice memos on your phone, or communicate by email. I do this when financial discussions have stalled, because then there’s a “paper trail” and he can’t say he was unaware.

I agree with other posters that if you don’t have kids you may as well split. It’s not really a marriage - more like two parallel lives. That’s my experience at least. You can’t fix this unfortunately.

Hi all, I have been on & off this board since about 2023 and came back to see how everyone is faring? I was able to get out and finalize my divorce and I can say with great certainty that my now ex was both on the spectrum and an abusive human. I did not recognize it while I was in it, but now that I am far removed, I cannot believe how much I endured and how much many of you are still enduring.
This community helped me so much during the months I was agonizing over "is it me?" " should i stay? should I go? "Will I destroy my family?", and so forth. I just wanted to say THANK YOU to this community. I don't think I would have recognized what was happening to me was not ok without you. Please take care of yourselves, give yourselves a pat on the back and recognize your hard work in trying to make things work or trying to get out. I am happy to chat and pay it forward if anyone needs an ear from someone who made it out.

Well done @nl55 - I’m really pleased for you.

Can I ask how regular the abuse was? Things can be calm here, sometimes for months at a time, but when things blow they really blow. It’s hard to know whether it’s bad enough…

@EmotionalSupportHuman During the marriage, it was intermittent and sporadic, for example he would lose his patience and throw a tool at the wall or if he did not get his way he would just persist until I gave in. He would lie incessantly, never taking accountability when called out and always having an excuse. Blaming me for his lack of "drive" if you know what I mean and basically being a 3rd child. I always knew something was off. When I finally told him I could not do it any longer after catching him (again) following >40 different women online and trying to interact with them, is when things ramped up terribly. He used his self-diagnosed ASD as an excuse, likening it to me finding out he had cancer and abandoning him. I survived threats of all kinds, my personal belongings destroyed, stealing money from me, stealing my identity, creating transactions in my name to pay for his expenses, using our kids as pawns, crying, yelling, sulking, stalking, smearing my reputation to our entire community, telling any one who would listen that I was crazy and unstable, meanwhile he was getting fired from his job, addicted to watching porn and multiple criminal charges piling up, ignoring court orders and withholding our daughter. It was insane. The last act of abuse was probably about a month ago, telling our daughters to cut contact with me and "educating" them about narcissism. Utterly ridiculous. When I left, I fled with one bag. The incidents of post-separation abuse have been fewer and far between, but still unfortunately persist, but I am now in a much better headspace to just ignore it and move on with my day (sometimes). It has been the most challenging thing I've ever gone through, but this community helped me stay strong and steadfast. I might not be alive had it not been for finding this group.

Thank you. I’ve had so many situations like that. Nothing gets done in the house unless I do it. We talked about getting a new bed and redecorating, he said what kind of bed he wanted, after waiting a while I one day saw a good discount so went ahead, and he brings it up all of the time that I went behind his back and did what I wanted (I didn’t even get the bed I wanted, I’d have preferred something more girly!)
We will agree on things like how to spend money, and then he changes his mind and says he never agreed to it. He will swear black is white.

It’s really frustrating that he never thinks proactively or wants to make decisions, but he doesn’t want anyone telling him what to do either

I have read up on this a bit and do try to take it less personally now, and walk away if I feel it’s getting too much for us both. The issue is that he never returns to the conversation when he’s had time and space.

I understand that some people find it hard, but in the past he’s been able to have conversations, respond to issues, show he cares. So I keep being caught between feeling sorry for him if he’s struggling, and feeling completely aggrieved that he’s just picking and choosing when he engages.

From your experience, how do you cope with it all?

@Pashazade @SpecialMangeTout3 @EmotionalSupportHuman Thank you. I have thought about leaving a few times, and as we don’t have children it should be easier, yet I’m finding it really hard to do.

We’ve barely spoken for a few weeks because we need to discuss a couple of issues and he won’t, he just keeps saying he doesn’t know what to say. Even though I’ve spoken to him to say “x, y, z are the issues, and this is what I need to happen for us to move forward”. It seems to me that he simply doesn’t want to do those things so he’s just ignoring it as long as possible in the hope that I’ll just move on, but I can’t because they are important issues.
I told him last week that it’s getting to the point where we will need to separate if we can’t resolve the issues, yet he’s still continued to do nothing about it/speak to me, other than to say he doesn’t want us to split up.
I’m driving myself crazy

@nl55
Well done for getting to a better place, it sounds like it was absolutely the right decision for you 💐

@Thisisforty that’s all well and good for him, but why does he get to control the narrative? You’ve made it plain what your position is, tell him he has until the end of January to look into things/have the discussion whatever or you will be looking at separating and then do it! He’s not going to change he thinks you'll just adapt and accept it all again (because I’m willing to bet this isn’t the first ultimatum, we’re all guilty of them). Don’t accept and adapt you deserve more!

One positive is that for the last 10 years or so, DH started accepting than when I have told him something I have told him.

He used to get furious sometimes that I'd 'made arrangements without him' when I could quite literally remember where I was standing the 3 times we had a conversation about it!

He told me that if I told him about arrangements too far in advance (eg more than about a week) it was 'academic' to him. But I did explain that it was then awkward when I told him in less time than that and he'd be all 'Oh shit, I wanted to spend some time on the garden then' (or whatever) and I'd be left feeling, 'well gosh I'm sorry I arranged a nice activity/seeing your friends' etc. And it felt like a juggling act trying to find this perfect window to tell him arrangements which wasn't too far away and not too close!

Synchronised Google calendars have been an immense help in avoiding that.

We discussed doing the synchronised calendars but have gotten round to it. I did a wall calendar & fridge planner previously but he used it like twice.

I have the same issue with telling DH things ‘at the right time’
He says he forgets if it’s too in advance but the way I see it is that he could easily put in his calendar/set a reminder, and he somehow manages to remember other plans (though maybe other people remind him regularly?)
It’s just all very frustrating. I try to be patient but I’m constantly let down.

@Pashazade You’re correct that this isn’t the first ultimatum, and so it just feels like he’s calling my bluff because he doesn’t believe I will go through with it (I don’t know if I believe it myself)
I do feel so fed up though after another rubbish Christmas and start to the new year.

@nl55 Thank you for your post. I have been a lurker on these threads for years.

I worry about posting here because I am so embarrassed by the situation I find myself in and my inability to take action to resolve it as I know that longer term it will result in divorce and a significant change in lifestyle.

I find posts like yours a lighthouse in the darkness. I see them on day like today, where it’s been so bad that I’ve ideated about suicide as a way to resolve things. I can’t thank you, and the other people who post on this thread enough for keeping this conversation going.

Big love to all MN vipers x

Yes, I do appreciate this thread so much, it's important to have a sounding board and where people don't just respond 'leave the bastard' when you talk about difficulties, because that's not actually always the right answer, though it can be, when things are difficult.

Oh @ChristmasLightsLover thats so sad. That’s never the way to resolve things, your life is worth so much more than that 💐

Like you, I feel embarrassed about being in this situation. Someone who was once so strong and walked away from relationships that weren’t working, suddenly is someone I don’t recognise and who can’t see the wood for the trees.
But it’s clear that there are so many of us in this situation. Keep posting on here and get the support you need

I should say I know I’m sat here saying LTB, but I am aware how hard it is, but I want to be a voice saying but you can do it, because often the people here just feel stuck and have lost all self belief because the catch 22 of ASD has left them second guessing themselves and their ability to function. So I will still root for you even if you can’t leave just yet, or don’t really want to leave, hopefully everyone here can help everyone else to find a happier way forward however that may look.

I don't want to leave my bastard 😅 TBH, did have a patch of wondering if I should in the last few months of 2024, but after a lot of soul-searching it didn't really feel like that would solve the main problem, which was how he was with DS. Splitting would mean DS would just end up with time with DH without me around and things were nowhere near bad enough that I would want to prevent him from seeing DS. And also now DH is on medication he is able to stop getting dysregulated by his anxiety about DS and academic achievement.

But I realise I'm one of the relatively lucky ones here - DH does care about my feelings and also has shown capability to change and to stop doing things that make me unhappy (and without expecting a standing ovation for it or demanding that I change something 'for him')

@ChristmasLightsLover I'm so sorry to hear how you are feeling but just know you are not alone in this feeling. I have been there too, many times, and ultimately realized if I did not make the changes in my life I knew needed to be made, no one would make them for me. The decision to stay or leave is a difficult one either way and making peace with that decision is a difficult journey as well. I still question if I did the right thing, but each time I catch him in a lie (which is near daily as we share young adult children) I realize my decision was the healthiest one for all of us even though it can be hard some days. Please give yourself grace and try to do one thing just for you each day, even if it is a tiny minute of just standing in the grass barefoot or holding your warm mug of tea with your eyes closed. If you ever need to chat, I'm happy to listen. 🌻

I was thinking about masking in autism. I honestly think that my mum is ASD with a very strong mask. She blends in very well and the mask seems to get her positive attention. It feels different to narcissism because she isn’t nasty. But she’s completely oblivious to who she is and how her behaviour affects people around her. She promotes masking quite heavily, with my sibling for example making them focus on achievement and productivity instead of how they feel. It’s a very external world. I don’t think she is aware she is doing this. I have been a chronic masker until I started to work on who I was and why I was always overwhelmed. When people have spoken in the past about feeling like their partners have lied about who they are is this because the mask almost takes over their real self?

They don’t know who they are or what they need to make themselves feel better.
As a partner you end up triggering your own partner because they don’t know themselves and they blame you.