Married to someone with Asperger’s/ASD/ND: support thread 17

[SpecialMangeTout3]

New thread.
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This thread is for those of us seeking to explore the dynamics of long term relationships with our ND partners. Some of us are ND ourselves, very many of us have ND children. It is a support thread, and a safe space, it does get emotional at times. Avoid sweeping generalisations if possible, try and keep it specific to you and your partner.
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It's complicated and it's emotional.
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The old thread is here.
https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5355546-married-to-someone-with-aspergersasdnd-support-thread-16?page=10&reply=148665446

@ANiceLittleHouseByTheSeaWithACatCalledBrenda It’s soooo depressing isn’t it?

We can set up a virtual pub @HidingHilda for Xmas, GnT, anyone? 🎉😎🥳

Dr Megan Neff has really clear resources for those terms I mentioned: https://neurodivergentinsights.com/

I think I understand what I feel and I think I feel unsafe around my parents. Which is why I don’t want to be around them. I think from what I understand from what people have said on here it’s because I haven’t been responded to. I think there must be an invisible bond between a child and their mum. When my children need me I’m there no matter what, I was not responded to.

Hi guys! I’ve not been on here for ages, my news is that I am getting divorced. I’ll be on my own for Christmas (a wrench - I’ll miss the kids) but do you know what? I haven’t felt this positive about my future in about 20 years.

Joy of joys I actually can’t wait.

Wishing you all the best, it sounds like this is the right thing for you. Hopefully you'll still get to see the kids at some point during the Christmas period?

Also haven't been on for a while, hope everyone is doing as well as they can over the festive period. A time when tricky relationships can feel even harder to navigate, so much pressure around what it should 'be like', in contrast to what things are like in reality. All the best to everyone 🥰

Things are better here, in some ways at least, and it does feel like having a formal diagnosis for DH is making a real difference for him, and for us.

DD is almost back to her usual self after MH crisis this autumn, although still navigating tween hormones and EBSA. My dad is doing much better after being very frail earlier this year and I am very grateful that I was able to travel sans DD to see him twice this year.

As for me, a few health issues developing, probably due to stress (!!), so 2026 will be all about health recovery 🙏

Thank you for your kind wishes 🙏 @ItReallyDoesntMatterAnymore

yes it feels like I/we are actually doing something positive, actually making a decision and moving forwards. Making a fundamental change rather than just bickering all the time. When you get the impression that somebody can’t stand being in the same house as you, or will get up and walk out of a room when you walk into it, then it’s probably time to change things up 😂

Thanks for asking about the kids, I’ll see them on the 28th 👌

@Apex3 i remember your posts and I’m really happy things are moving in the right direction for you.p! It sounds like a separation was the best decision for you.

@ItReallyDoesntMatterAnymore I hope you can get those health issues under control quickly. There’s nothing worse than having to deal with your own health issues in the top of navigating ND (for your dh and your dd) and dealing with elderly parents

@Theydontwantme maybe have some read around emotionally immature parents. You might find it helpful to understand what happened with your mum (regardless of whether that immaturity is ND or frim something else).
Youre right though that not being responded to as a child is hurting the child. It is one if those things where the hurt is coming from what has not happened (rather than what has happened). From the outside it can look like nothing but from the inside, it cuts deeply.

@Apex3 I’m a regular poster but NC’ed and delighted for you. How exciting, I really hope 2026 brings you a new peace and so many new connections.

Best wishes to everyone as well, we are as prepared as we can be going to Xmas at the in laws 😂.

Thank you @SpecialMangeTout3 and @WindyW. Sorry to sound thick but what does nc’ed mean? 😂🤦‍♂️

Name changed. Whew 😅

I had a read about Cassandra syndrome and it does make a lot of sense. I can’t really see a resolution. Either I sit on resentment and unmet needs or accept that in her eyes I don’t exist as myself or I go to her and tell and start a conflict as she’ll be completely confused and probably react with dismissal or anger. There is no resolution, I get more validation from friends and strangers.

What upsets me is that I’m the only one hurt by the relationship, she has absolutely no idea, I’m ridiculous and illogical to her (which I understand is her issue). But she has created a world around her and her needs. I have to say it but I find it to be extremely self oriented and selfish.

The more I think about it the more I kind of understand. I was born into this relationship when all her other relationships she has chosen because they suit her, she is in control of them in a sense. If they were friends who needed emotional support and two and fro they would have long gone with little thought (which is why she had none of those). She can’t do relationships in a “typical “ way. She has tried to control our relationship but it’s only make me feel worse and worse. Same like many of the people on here.

@Theydontwantme You are NT and your mum is autistic. I would suggest therapy to help you discharge the anger and sadness. Your mum is disabled. It’s not her fault but that doesn’t mean the pain she’s caused you is not valid. It’s extremely valid and present. Pursuing a typical NT mum daughter relationship won’t ever be possible. It’s not your fault. It’s not hers either probably.

It’s very very sad to have missed out on this experience. I have wondered if my dad had died when I was young if emotionally it would have been easier for me to cope because I would not have to live with the ever present possibility of hope for change and then the crushing disappointment when he never has.

My suffering has been alleviated by a lot of distance, reduced contact, therapy and acceptance of what I cannot change.

You could look at The Happiness Trap which uses ACT as the therapy modality.

I’m not NT. I’m ND myself, much more ADHD with ASD traits and my child is diagnosed ADHD. I try so hard to meet her needs even if that means putting mine aside, even though this is so difficult sometimes and I suffer for it. I would never dismiss her even though I have this disability also. But then I’m aware of myself and what I have and the difference is she doesn’t and I suspect she is ashamed as she never tried to help me. I don’t have shame of myself.

It’s weird, she has the disability but she is oblivious and totally happy and we are the ones struggling. That’s just hard to get. But I sense a common feeling on here .

Whether you are NT or ND it’s the feelings she creates in you that matter. You feel deeply in a way maybe she can’t?

I realised these older people often are suffering generational trauma, raised by autistic parents themselves and not only struggle with emotions from birth but had no safe space to explore them as young children growing up, unlike now. So emotionally shamed and stunted. Change is hard. Why would they go for more pain when life was so painful for them from the start. And so the cycle repeats until someone breaks it, usually with a lot of support and therapy and self awareness.

I agree he is infuriating with his preoccupation with his own needs. He shouldn’t have had children if he can’t cope with stress without disappearing. Also, what a privileged life he leads with his ability to book himself into a hotel at the drop of a hat. How does he think other autistic adults cope who don’t have the money for such things?

But she has created a world around her and her needs. I have to say it but I find it to be extremely self oriented and selfish.

@Theydontwantme We all do. It’s a protection mechanism and as all protection mechanisms go, theyre there to protect ourselves. Even when, from the outside, it looks like we are being nice (eg when someone is people pleasing, putting themselves last always etc….).
The issue is when people lack self insight so much they don’t realise. And/or theyre not ready to make themselves uncomfortable to face the real consequences of their actions.

Maybe I’m wrong, but I think we all do use some protection mechanisms. Whether it’s avoidance, attack (the fight or fly reaction), people pleasing, rumination etc etc… it’s being human imo. What is usually expected is the ability to change and self reflect.
However, as my therapist said, some people have range (they have ability to change eg in reaction to someone putting boundaries in place) and some people have shape (thats who they are, theyre not changing. Eg putting boundaries with my mum leads to her and her world collapsing. She can’t deal with it).
That means that, with someone who has shape rather than range, you’re having to find a way to be around them that’s acceptable to you whilst accepting they’ll never be who you’d want/hope/expect them to be. That’s a lot of grief to deal with because Theres no resolution as such.

It’s still really hard to find a way. Regardless, you’ve been hurt. The way she was and is is still affecting you. So there is a need to find a way to be ‘with her’ that’s manageable to you.

@Mini2025 i think many people find going LC helpful. I’m realising that I did that by default when I moved abroad 😁
But understanding generational trauma, disability etc… hasn’t made it easier for me. Theres part if me that says ‘well yes trauma as a child, disability etc… there are reasons. But I’ve faced the same and I’m not doing that!’
What I found much more helpful is to take the lead in how my relationship (with dh, with my parents) is and to change that relationship to fit me. For me it’s having tools, boundaries etc… and feeling I have agency in the relationship that has helped the most. That and accepting some stuff will never change.

@SpecialMangeTout3 i agree with you. it's a combination of both for me. It's understanding it's not their fault because of trauma and disability, that's like the first step and for me then, the second step is managing the boundaries that I can cope with so I don't burn out with sadness and re-trauma myself by being around them too much.

I also feel like I'm the brave one doing the work to not be like them but I also acknowledge we live in a time when the support exists for that, the internet, therapy etc, self-help books, more normailising of mental health and ND in general. Even this forum we get to share and ask and learn. Such things didn't exist in their time and they had to make sense of life by themselves. You can see how coping mechanisms could be formed at very young age and perhaps just stick. It's the case with my 60 year old DH right now, who would rather go through a very costly divorce instead of doing therapy which would be so much cheaper. He says this constant refrain in the face of hard questions: "that's who I am", which is pretty much, accept me as I am, I'm not going to change.

And the other thing I have found so helpful in therapy is to explore becoming an adult, in the adult child relationship. I don't need to be child anymore. I can put the relationship on and adult-adult footing and have agency to determine how to protect myself. I couldn't have done this without my fantastic therapist who has raised and then razed the ghosts of the past, brought them to light, stopped them from haunting me, having so much power.

I'm sorry you've been through it too. It sounds like we have experienced similar.

Sending best wishes to everyone for Christmas.

I am glad we don't celebrate, for one thing, all the prep would totally be on me. tbf, DH probably would cook and tidy up around a big meal, but awareness of Christmas and that things might need to be done would just not occur until it was practically there.

We've got a few nice things lined up to do though, I'm off work next week, DS is doing quite a good job of settling down to do his revision for January tests. DH actually said he is finally starting to really understand that plenty of people are perfectly successful without taking an academic route through life (I suspect his feeling otherwise came from his mum's prejudices) so I think is relaxing about the idea that DS might take a different route to us.

DH has moved to highest dose of ADHD meds but we both think the medium dose was best - he's getting a bit too hyperfocused on this and not sleeping well.

I had a little read of something called DARVO. This is something my child I think is guilty of but she has an ADHD diagnosis and just wondered what’s going on as I thought this was an abuse term. What will happen is they will do something naughty or rude and then will get a consequence, for example the laptop will get taken away. At this point they will attack verbally because I’ve hurt their feelings taking away something from them. We are then left talking about what they’ve done in retaliation and not the original thing they’ve done. They have no comprehension that they have hurt someone else, no comprehension of how their actions hurt anyone. All I get from them is I wish I had another mother, not one like you. But then they have no friends as they are like this with them also. They have no awareness of how much conflict they create.

Oh yes, nail on head re DARVO dynamic! My DP’s son is similar(ish) and he’s 26 now It’s hugely worrying.

I’ve known him (DSS) since he was 12. He aggressively refuses to engage with anyone and any services, ever. We were heading for yet another festive season of intimidating tantrums, but have switched things around. We’ll see if he learns from consequences.

As you say, the aftermath of the lashing out episodes become all about the last instance of hurtful and/or aggressive behaviour and not about any meaningful long term planning for behaviour, life and future arrangements.

We are struggling a bit now he’s an adult, tbh, but we have to almost impose arrangements on him if he aggressively refuses to engage.