Page 4 | Married to someone with Asperger’s/ASD/ND: support thread 17

SpecialMangeTout3 · 2025-11-20T22:18:18+00:00

New thread. __ This thread is for those of us seeking to explore the dynamics of long term relationships with our ND partners. Some of us are ND ourselves, very many of us have ND children. It is a support thread, and a safe space, it does get emotional at times. Avoid sweeping generalisations if possible, try and keep it specific to you and your partner. __ It's complicated and it's emotional. __ The old thread is here. [[https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5355546-married-to-someone-with-aspergersasdnd-support-thread-16?page=10&reply=148665446 https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5355546-married-to-someone-with-aspergersasdnd-support-thread-16?page=10&reply=148665446]]

Theydontwantme · 16/12/2025 11:37

SpecialMangeTout3 · 15/12/2025 15:33

@Theydontwantme please first of all, you are more than welcome here.Some of don’t have an ND partner but a parent on the spectrum. Unusually undiagnosed because era. Theyd never have been diagnosed then.

Second @AttilaTheMeerkat is seeing your question from an entirely NT pov, with no knowledge of ND or ASD. It’s the answer you got before and clearly it doesn’t sit well with you. You don’t have to accept it now.

Now to your question re your mum, I’m going to say my experience of ASD is very much the one I’ve had with dh. Not everyone will have had the same.
But from your description I see

difficulty in putting herself in someone else shoes
struggle with situations that are unplanned (like a health problem needing input from different people)- struggle with executive function
struggle with any situations linked to emotions. Leading to panic therefore avoidance

I feel it’s fair to ask yourself if your mum might be ND.

But to be fair too, it could also be explained through the lens of avoidance for example

feeling like you dint exist if you’re not right there - I’d say is more of an avoidant behaviour.
Continuation of routine no matter what
reaction to illness.

Some of it looks like alexithymia too (which might not be related to ASD)

But I’d like to remind you that a diagnosis (even if it’s you diagnosing her iyswim) is just a reason, not an excuse. It’s ok to acknowledge the reason why she has behaved that way AND to also recognise you’ve been hurt. And you have. You were a child. You deserved to feel seen and feel like you mattered.

My own experience with dh is that he cannot do illness.
He panics, doesn’t know how to respond even though he knows he should.
It’s not malice. It’s not wanting to hurt someone.its his own inability to react (appropriately).

I feel you also need to remember that many parents of autistic children resist the label. Not because of the label. But because ‘There’s nothing wrong with my dc. I do the same. Where’s the issue?’ This could explain why your mum saw you struggle but never did anything. Plus, I’m not sure how old you are, but was autism as well ‘known’ then?

Again, only my own experience, but I feel that understanding what’s going on can be helpful because it gives context.
Just remember it doesn’t mean you then need to carry the whole load, as you’re doing with your dd. It makes sense to do all the ‘caring work’ with your DD. She is a child. You want to support her.
Your mum is an adult. I feel it’s different.

What do you think having a better understanding of your mum will help you with?

What’s avoidance? Is this linked to the ASD or is this something else? This word sums her up completely. On the surface she is very nice, she will make an effort to cook nice food if you turn up. But it’s all surface level, but lovely surface level. So as long as you turn up as she won’t then it’s surface nice and you leave. It’s a really pretty and very deceiving pond. You won’t get anything emotional or safe from her, no depth. She has a more successful relationship with my sibling but it’s surface level again. They are extremely similar in their behaviour.

Original poster

SpecialMangeTout3 · 16/12/2025 12:30

Avoidance has nothing to do with autism but can appear alongside autism.

This is the best description of avoidant attachment I’ve found (which is not avoidant personality disorder btw)
Avoidant people are often emotionally self-contained, uncomfortable with dependency (their own or others’), and tend to withdraw or minimise when faced with vulnerability, distress, or illness — not out of lack of care, but because closeness under stress feels overwhelming or unsafe.

An avoidant person typically:

Disappears under stress
Struggles with other people’s needs or distress
Often appears “fine”, cheerful, or self-sufficient
Cares… but at a distance

dh is autistic and avoidant. The avoidance is both something learnt from his parents/mum and a way to protect himself when autism makes his life difficult.
It can be very hard to distinguish tbh as theyre so intertwined.
For him, it often looks like autistic overwhelm/struggle leads to protection leads to avoidance.
Another huge hint for me was the fact I never felt he was trying to be cruel (or wanted to be). If anything, hed be upset to have hurt me (as long as it’s worded in a way he can get).

I personally found it helpful to understand what’s going on with dh.
But the reality is that understanding in itself doesn’t change anything. The hurt is still there and I still had to find a way to deal with my relationship with dh. And grieve for the relationship I thought I had whilst protecting myself.

OP posts:

Theydontwantme · 16/12/2025 12:40

SpecialMangeTout3 · 16/12/2025 12:30

Avoidance has nothing to do with autism but can appear alongside autism.

This is the best description of avoidant attachment I’ve found (which is not avoidant personality disorder btw)
Avoidant people are often emotionally self-contained, uncomfortable with dependency (their own or others’), and tend to withdraw or minimise when faced with vulnerability, distress, or illness — not out of lack of care, but because closeness under stress feels overwhelming or unsafe.

An avoidant person typically:

Disappears under stress
Struggles with other people’s needs or distress
Often appears “fine”, cheerful, or self-sufficient
Cares… but at a distance

dh is autistic and avoidant. The avoidance is both something learnt from his parents/mum and a way to protect himself when autism makes his life difficult.
It can be very hard to distinguish tbh as theyre so intertwined.
For him, it often looks like autistic overwhelm/struggle leads to protection leads to avoidance.
Another huge hint for me was the fact I never felt he was trying to be cruel (or wanted to be). If anything, hed be upset to have hurt me (as long as it’s worded in a way he can get).

I personally found it helpful to understand what’s going on with dh.
But the reality is that understanding in itself doesn’t change anything. The hurt is still there and I still had to find a way to deal with my relationship with dh. And grieve for the relationship I thought I had whilst protecting myself.

This is my mum. She is so cheery and it irritates the shit out of me because she is so neglectful. She has forced independence on us all because it’s what she needs. Honestly I can’t stand her at the moment, she doesn’t have a clue. I can’t operate in this manner, I’m either emotionally connected and safe or I’m out.

Theydontwantme · 16/12/2025 13:44

The more I think about it the more I can see why narcissism feels close to my mum. She does wear a mask, but not a mask where she puts others down. She wants to be seen as needing nothing, everything is perfect. I guess that’s why it takes a trained person to pull this apart. The reason I suspect a Neurodivergence is because of me and my diagnosed child. I know she has found close relationships hard, no real friends. I think it’s difficult to form a close relationship if you are hyper independent because we need things from each other. I need my friends, they help me when I’m sad and visa versa. It creates something different when someone responds to you.

Original poster

SpecialMangeTout3 · 16/12/2025 18:35

Being hyper independent, few friends etc… is a very complex thing.

I am like this too. One reason why dh and I worked quite well together to start with (and before we had children!). But that’s trauma and cptsd. Not ND. Nor avoidance.

So yes, I agree that’s why it’s good to have professional input.

But I think that more to the point, if you’re struggling so much with your mum, then you need to address it.
Even if, let’s say you were getting a diagnosis of autism handed to you about your mum, it wouldn’t make it ok for you to be repeatidly hurt.
I think what a diagnosis helps with is knowing what might change and what won’t. It might help you avoid blame. But it shouldn’t lock you into felling you just have to accept it or feel guilty you are struggling with her behaviour.

OP posts:

Theydontwantme · 16/12/2025 18:54

SpecialMangeTout3 · 16/12/2025 18:35

Being hyper independent, few friends etc… is a very complex thing.

I am like this too. One reason why dh and I worked quite well together to start with (and before we had children!). But that’s trauma and cptsd. Not ND. Nor avoidance.

So yes, I agree that’s why it’s good to have professional input.

But I think that more to the point, if you’re struggling so much with your mum, then you need to address it.
Even if, let’s say you were getting a diagnosis of autism handed to you about your mum, it wouldn’t make it ok for you to be repeatidly hurt.
I think what a diagnosis helps with is knowing what might change and what won’t. It might help you avoid blame. But it shouldn’t lock you into felling you just have to accept it or feel guilty you are struggling with her behaviour.

I was literally going to ask the most fundamental question “so how do I have a relationship with someone who can’t do relationships”, then I realised that is why we are in this thread in the first place. I’m beginning to see that I think she is ASD but also something else. I’m pretty sure my H is ASD, he has very focused hobby and collects and is super clued up on it and talks my ears off. A lot of things go over his head (I am much more ADHD in my diagnosis and emotional and overwhelmed) he is oblivious. But the difference is, he may not understand but he is always present. I don’t think an NT partner would put up with me and visa versa, I’m very accepting and accommodating.

I feel safe in the knowledge he shows up always, even with his silly I don’t understand any of this face. My mum will minimise and dismiss and you end up biting your tongue so as not the blow up. She doesn’t even want to attempt to show. She will disappear from the country around most emotional situations leaving you to navigate it alone. She is never going to change, she’s adapted her whole life around this and my father tags along.

I have to accept it because I’m not going to get anything else. I can’t divorce and find someone else. But then I know many on hear can’t.

Original poster

SpecialMangeTout3 · 17/12/2025 17:04

I think you need to remember that there isn’t one way to do relationship.

That’s why I much prefer talking about needs. It’s a previous poster (many threads ago) who mentioned it. And fir me it makes sense.
So if your thing is parallel play but your partner enjoys lots of small chat to feel connected, it’s not going to work. Your needs are too different.
If, like me and dh when we met, you’re happy sharing an activity together (him both because of the activity and the lack of small talk, me for the activity itself), then it can work even as NT/ND.
The hurt comes often when your needs aren’t fulfilled and you expect them to be (obvious abuse and neglect aside).

I feel some things are pretty different when it comes to parents. As you said, You can change your partner or decide to live alone instead. You can’t change a parent. So it’s more about learning to accept their limitations and mourning the parent you never had (and still dint have). Or you can decide to go NC if it’s too hurtful/abusive. That would be ok too.
neiher solutions are easy ones.
But in me experience, what does not work is carrying on hoping for a ‘proper’ mother-daughter relationship (been there, done that)

OP posts:

Theydontwantme · 17/12/2025 17:23

SpecialMangeTout3 · 17/12/2025 17:04

I think you need to remember that there isn’t one way to do relationship.

That’s why I much prefer talking about needs. It’s a previous poster (many threads ago) who mentioned it. And fir me it makes sense.
So if your thing is parallel play but your partner enjoys lots of small chat to feel connected, it’s not going to work. Your needs are too different.
If, like me and dh when we met, you’re happy sharing an activity together (him both because of the activity and the lack of small talk, me for the activity itself), then it can work even as NT/ND.
The hurt comes often when your needs aren’t fulfilled and you expect them to be (obvious abuse and neglect aside).

I feel some things are pretty different when it comes to parents. As you said, You can change your partner or decide to live alone instead. You can’t change a parent. So it’s more about learning to accept their limitations and mourning the parent you never had (and still dint have). Or you can decide to go NC if it’s too hurtful/abusive. That would be ok too.
neiher solutions are easy ones.
But in me experience, what does not work is carrying on hoping for a ‘proper’ mother-daughter relationship (been there, done that)

I’m not sure how to feel about it. I didn’t ask to be born, I didn’t choose this relationship. I can understand how it can be unintended but I can’t help but feel it’s abusive. Forcing a child to be independent way before they are capable because your needs to be avoided due to distress are more important don’t sit well with me. Both her kids look good on paper and she talks like she is proud because we have money and houses etc but we have no emotional connection at all. I can’t help but feel she is a terrible mother, failed as a mother to put our needs before her own. She must know she is like this?

NDornotND · 17/12/2025 18:15

@Theydontwantme "She must know she is like this?"

If she's as emotionally disconnected as you say, she may well not know. It's difficult to comprehend, but that's why ASD is a social communication disorder. People with it do not communicate socially in ways that most people would expect, and are unable to. I doubt your mother knew that her way of experiencing the world is atypical when you were born. She may not even know now. We all have our own experiences and it is difficult, especially if you have a social communication disorder, to see things from the perspectives of others, or to understand that how you are is unusual. Even if the ways you behave are painful to those you love, you may not realise it. And if you do realise it, you may have no understanding of how to do things 'the right way'.

Original poster

SpecialMangeTout3 · 17/12/2025 18:54

My mum is emotionally immature. Avoidant too (even though in a different way).
I dint think she knows. I dint think she has the capacity to know iyswim
She certainly doesn’t have the capacity to change.

(And yes on paper, I’ve had a great childhood).

i came across this idea that some people have range. They can change some of their behaviours (eg if you put boundaries in place.
other people have shape. Thars who they are. They’re not going to change. My mum is like this

OP posts:

HidingHilda · 17/12/2025 19:47

Much of what’s being said here is resonating with me. Am hoping its okay to drip feed here, I know it’s frowned upon elsewhere on MN.

I’m feeling so worn out at the moment I can barely get out of bed. Things that I recognise in DH that have been mentioned are: he rarely, if ever, says my name. As in he will do anything to avoid saying it.

He hates Christmas and leaves everything to me. Has been known to go back to bed at 8am and sleep until 1pm. Because he was “tired”. This was after I’d explained to him carefully that the DC would be excited. And would get up early (about 6.45am which is normal get-up time and I’d tried to keep them upstairs for as long as possible).
I’ve tried to pre-empt difficulties I see arising, and bargain with him/cajole/persuade him into conjuring up some goodwill, just for a few hours. But he won’t see it through. It’s as if he resents the attention the DC’s are receiving.
As a result I just see Christmas as hard work now - and the stress of anticipation often makes me ill weeks beforehand.

I’m sure this one is documented online but I haven’t researched it: there is a Delay in reaction. Mini-emergencies or real ones, it takes him minutes to react - and even then, the reaction looks performative. Glass getting broken on hard floor near children/pets? Just sits and stares.
Small child heading towards a busy road and not holding their hand? Baleful stare.

DC suffering MH problems? I’m too busy with work.
I could go on and on.

It’s as if he’s stoned, but he’s not. I have to be constantly vigilant.

There’s much more than this of course.

Theydontwantme · 17/12/2025 21:16

NDornotND · 17/12/2025 18:15

@Theydontwantme "She must know she is like this?"

If she's as emotionally disconnected as you say, she may well not know. It's difficult to comprehend, but that's why ASD is a social communication disorder. People with it do not communicate socially in ways that most people would expect, and are unable to. I doubt your mother knew that her way of experiencing the world is atypical when you were born. She may not even know now. We all have our own experiences and it is difficult, especially if you have a social communication disorder, to see things from the perspectives of others, or to understand that how you are is unusual. Even if the ways you behave are painful to those you love, you may not realise it. And if you do realise it, you may have no understanding of how to do things 'the right way'.

She does appear to know how to do things the right way. For example she will do something that looks very empathetic but it’ll be for someone else, she gets the feeling that she’s doing something nice but it’s not for the people who’d really like it….if that makes sense. I wonder if she is masking when she does this. It will also be done behind the scenes, in the post or in secret but never face to face. She doesn’t seem to want to do it but is doing it for some reason, because it looks good. Your post does make sense. I don’t think she can do or even knows how to do what we need but she try’s to look like it. If that makes any sense. It all feels insincere. I bet she could be masking extensively which is why I just don’t feel it to be real.

WindyW · 18/12/2025 06:36

I’m just sending some solidarity @HidingHilda. The last time we went to in laws for Xmas was 7 years ago because DH gets increased pain, cries and goes to bed leaving me with the least festive in laws for a nice discussion about asylum seekers(!!!). I now know Xmas is a trigger for asd ppl often and likely the pain is driven by dysregulation in part. We’re going back this year and I’m pretty worried but I’m also 100% out of fucks to give.

My best Xmas are at my sisters as my brother in law has multiple Xmas jumpers and jollies around the place. Just waiting for the next time we can go to theirs!!

WindyW · 18/12/2025 06:39

Also I should say are you aware of alexithymia, the difficulty in understanding and naming emotions? Could you partner also have depersonalisation / derealisation as well (given the delayed response to events)? Sending you a hug 💐

Cicadasounds · 18/12/2025 08:59

My mum and Dad I suspect have ASD. A lot of what you all say here resonates with me. i had a grandmother who was kind and solid otherwise I think us kids would have fallen apart. Because both parents (separated) are extremely self absorbed. Still are. DF has remarried so he has someone moderating his behaviour a bit but my DM never did so she is just more and more on her own self bubbled living like that for her own interests. She likes our babies but our young children and teens are way too much. She’s actually quite rude and dismissive to my teen when they get together and then complains of not seeing people. She likes the idea of having a family and wants to invite us over but us actually visiting her is way too much for her, which is a constant stress as a parent when we make the trek to do it. DM’s had a hard life but I would also say, in emotional ways so have we. Directly thanks to our parents’ decisions and behaviours.

I also notice that their siblings and my siblings and cousins seem to fall out with each other for long periods which I really put down to ASD. I think the black and white thinking really affects acceptance and forgiveness while being hugely demanding of it for yourself. Very difficult for most people to cope with. I think ‘let them’ is a useful reminder because we can’t change them. Peaceful Christmas to all.

Theydontwantme · 18/12/2025 09:28

The more I read on here the more complicated all this feels. People are very complicated. It’s very hard to not internalise it. But then it’s very hard to not be resentful. I swing one way or the other. In my opinion it’s selfish to have children if you need to put yourself first. A parent is literally the gage in which we value ourselves and in my case it’s had terrible consequences.

But then if you have no idea that how you are is like this then what can you do.

Mini2025 · 18/12/2025 12:02

Theydontwantme · 18/12/2025 09:28

The more I read on here the more complicated all this feels. People are very complicated. It’s very hard to not internalise it. But then it’s very hard to not be resentful. I swing one way or the other. In my opinion it’s selfish to have children if you need to put yourself first. A parent is literally the gage in which we value ourselves and in my case it’s had terrible consequences.

But then if you have no idea that how you are is like this then what can you do.

Edited

This is the sad truth. They are unaware and yet at times briefly partially aware and it’s those moments you wonder, if you get it, why don’t you make an effort to change? That’s the hardest truth to bare. The lack of empathy and ability to emotionally reciprocate and validate is so damaging. It makes you feel so very alone and like you’re the dysfunctional one for asking for too much when this is of course not the case.

at the end of the day, Mother Nature only cares that we reproduce, not that we are necessarily happy or even long lived. Just that we keep the species going.

ReleaseTheDucksOfWar · 18/12/2025 12:13

@Theydontwantme I think what you said is very true but it also holds true for many, many, many NT people too.

I think intellectually it's just...sad, and the way that life unfolds. But emotionally when I was in the middle of it, it made me furious at times.

I also look back and see the flaws very clearly in my own parenting too.

But people are so black and white sometimes, but it's just not that easy. What do you do when the person you are with slowly reveals themselves to be incapable of putting children first or even seeing their needs. It's not something you suspect beforehand.

There aren't "fitness to reproduce" certificates before you can breed !

Theydontwantme · 18/12/2025 12:17

Mini2025 · 18/12/2025 12:02

This is the sad truth. They are unaware and yet at times briefly partially aware and it’s those moments you wonder, if you get it, why don’t you make an effort to change? That’s the hardest truth to bare. The lack of empathy and ability to emotionally reciprocate and validate is so damaging. It makes you feel so very alone and like you’re the dysfunctional one for asking for too much when this is of course not the case.

at the end of the day, Mother Nature only cares that we reproduce, not that we are necessarily happy or even long lived. Just that we keep the species going.

Show quote history

You are right. I feel bad because this is a disability so really I should feel empathy. But she isn’t suffering. She’s in her own world. If she was visibly suffering I could understand. This is partly why I’m not sure if it is ASD. All the ASD people I know, including myself and my child are suffering. You’ve never known a happier person (unless she is masking)

ANiceLittleHouseByTheSeaWithACatCalledBrenda · 18/12/2025 12:57

This happened to me @HidingHilda. Sat downstairs on my own with young children, Christmas Day, New Year’s Eve. ‘I’m tired, I’m going to bed, I need my sleep…’ regardless of the occasion.

Theydontwantme · 18/12/2025 14:38

Does this sound right in terms of my family. We are parallel groups and we exist independently getting together for joint activities every so often then disappearing back to our independent units. We aren’t connected emotionally because they are all self sufficient. There are no hidden family ties that bind us….well I need them, I’ve longed for them. We all just go about what we want to do and don’t occupy ourselves in what others do. Parallel play has turned into parallel family groups.

Original poster

SpecialMangeTout3 · 18/12/2025 18:38

@ReleaseTheDucksOfWar i agree with you.
The inability to see your own blind spots, to realise you’re hurting people or that theres ‘something wrong with you’ can be found in anyone.

I have 2 dcs. I’d have given (and still would) everything for them. Yet when I had dc1, I had no idea I had a crap childhood or that I have cptsd. I genuineky thought my mum parenting was amazing too 😵‍💫😵‍💫
Now I didn’t reproduce what my mum did. But I did many mistakes I am only able to recognise now :(. It’s really not that simple.

OP posts:

Original poster

SpecialMangeTout3 · 18/12/2025 19:02

Parallel play has turned into parallel family groups.

Thats a very nice way to put it.

OP posts:

Theydontwantme · 18/12/2025 19:07

SpecialMangeTout3 · 18/12/2025 18:38

@ReleaseTheDucksOfWar i agree with you.
The inability to see your own blind spots, to realise you’re hurting people or that theres ‘something wrong with you’ can be found in anyone.

I have 2 dcs. I’d have given (and still would) everything for them. Yet when I had dc1, I had no idea I had a crap childhood or that I have cptsd. I genuineky thought my mum parenting was amazing too 😵‍💫😵‍💫
Now I didn’t reproduce what my mum did. But I did many mistakes I am only able to recognise now :(. It’s really not that simple.

yeah sorry I shouldn’t have said that people with ASD shouldn’t have kids. There are loads of fantastic parents with ASD. And yes there are many NT people who mess up their children. I’m just a little mad, struggling to fit into the world my parents have created. I can’t seem to love them because this doesn’t feel like love. It feels like isolation, like a burden to them doing what they want. If they aren’t doing us then that means that we aren’t an interest of them.

HidingHilda · 18/12/2025 19:49

@WindyW
Thank you for the hug. Really need it atm. I will look into those terms. Have put them into Notes on my phone because am Christmas shopping atm. TBH I barely know where to start with it all. Life is just lurching from one fire-fighting episode to the next what with the DC’s needs at school etc.

Can I come with you to your sister’s? I dream of having a few drinks drinking myself into oblivion so that I can forget about everything .. but that probably wouldn’t make me the ideal party guest ..