Married to someone with Asperger’s/ASD/ND: support thread 17

[SpecialMangeTout3]

New thread.
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This thread is for those of us seeking to explore the dynamics of long term relationships with our ND partners. Some of us are ND ourselves, very many of us have ND children. It is a support thread, and a safe space, it does get emotional at times. Avoid sweeping generalisations if possible, try and keep it specific to you and your partner.
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It's complicated and it's emotional.
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The old thread is here.
https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5355546-married-to-someone-with-aspergersasdnd-support-thread-16?page=10&reply=148665446

I’m very glad you’ve found a way to make it tolerable @SpecialMangeTout3 . It does sound like you have an awful lot of practical challenges which would make life difficult/impossible. Sounds like DH has made some proper changes (well done for getting through to him!). Who knows what life will bring you in the next few years. For now though, it sounds like you’ve very much made things as good as they can be, which is a perfectly sensible strategy. 🥰

Oh @NDisthisit the dinner throwing is awful and abusive. Which I am sure you already know. I’m very sorry you’re living with this. I was never physically scared of exDP, but his rages were dreadful (bellowing at me, calling me vile names, throwing stuff at the wall) and made me scared to raise things. As you say, you are made to hold your tongue, hide your feelings, manage the rages by avoiding communication lest it be seen as criticism. But it will eat you up inside. We are not meant to swallow that much or live in fear of the rages. It is controlling and emotionally abusive behaviour.

I have asked myself this question for 8 years and I’ve always come to the conclusion that I need to keep it together for the kids.
however now they are growing/grown up.

and I honestly don’t know … I don’t k ow if I am strong enough to go through with it. And I so admire those who have managed

I think the only partner some of these guys can have are extremely passive (to the point of traumatised, fawn responsive) people. Because if you don’t start out this way you certainly become this way. It is sad that we think we are too much just because they are so self absorbed they don’t actually want us,
just the usefulness.

@OscarCharlieTango you can make it by yourself. You’ve spent so long adapting to his demands and needs that life without him will actually feel freeing and simple. Think long and hard, your kids would probably be relieved if his level of anger or frustration is such that you appear to have taken throwing a plate of food at the wall to be acceptable or at least not a massive problem. Have a long hard think I reckon you’ll cope and probably fly without his demands holding you back.

I think it was @NDisthisit whose DH threw the dinner at the wall?

@OscarCharlieTango Whatever age the DC are, they will be OK if you divorce. And so will you. More than OK! Just reading back my posts from 2024, I was so broken. I just wanted to be free. As long as you’re working and have reasonable health, you’re in a good position. You don’t have to come last!

I think you have autistic behaviours that can be hard to cope with (like not showering as @NDisthisit ) and then there is what I’d call abusive behaviour. And throwing your meal at the wall falls in that category. Meltdown or not. I’m sure he doesn’t throw stuff around at work for example. It should never be acceptable.

Some time ago, I spend a enormous time tryimg to separate what was autistic behaviour and what was shit/dh bring a twat or abusive or neglectful.
I’m not sure if it was necessary to go into so much detail 😁😁 but it helped me establish what I think falls into the ‘hard to live with excusable due to autism’ and ‘should never be acceptable, autism or not’.
For my dh it was all the PA moves. The silence that hurts because it’s so heavy with reproach and contempt iyswim. And we’ve managed to get pass that and theyre not happening anymore.
Being violent, because throwing stuff around in a fit of rage, is violence has to fit the ‘never acceptable’ imo.

We had a good day today where we just worked well together - going to Ikea, sorting more stuff out in DS' newly-decorated bedroom, etc. He wasn't even on meds. Anyway, DS room now done aside from getting replacement curtains.

@OscarCharlieTango you are much stronger than you believe.
Youre currently holding all the plates. For yourself, your dcs and your dh.
It WILL easier to not have to hold him. To not have to deal with his issues, to scaffold him constantly as well as constantly negotiating with yourself on how to approach xyz, have abc done etc….

My dcs are adults. What is coming out now is how dh behaviour has shaped them. How all the stuff that wasn’t said (like pointing out meltdown, shutdowns, stimming, specific autistic behaviours) has affected them. The dynamic in the family that is always all around dh needs with little interest in other people, including and mostly myself. None of that has been good.
i was worried about the impact of a separation on the dcs when they were younger. Now, seeing what it means to not get divorced, I’d say wo a doubt - Go for it! Because staying is likely to be more hurtful to them wo him recognising abd properly engaging in what it means to be autistic, all the ugly side of it.

Yay 🎉🎉
What does your ds think of his ‘new’ bedroom?

He likes it - we've painted the inside a strong 'Tardis' blue (big Doctor Who fan), pulled out the giant, dark built in cupboards and put in a big, white Ikea one that is more than big enough for his storage needs, and added an extra ceiling light and more wall plugs

He was never bothered by his room being un-redecorated and dated but the old storage was falling apart and not meeting his needs any more, so I really wanted it sorted before GCSE year so he had a nice space.

There's still a tonne of crap, mostly DH's, that was stored in the ancient wardrobes, that is in the hallway/our room that needs to be sorted out.

Loving hearing all of your news and updates. Too drained to reply to all properly after a bust-up over finances, but I’ll be back at some point. @BustyLaRoux I don’t think I knew you’d finally split. Well done! So pleased for you. Your threads and advice have got me through so much and I’m vicariously enjoying that you’re freeeeeee.

I've also booked an English tutor session for DS, and there's another two tutors I want to try... I think the right match is really important, I've gone for people who are reviewed as very patient and having helped ND children before. Not cheap, but TBH, if it does work he may not need tutoring all the way through to GCSE if he can just get past his block on writing. And if he can sort it for English I think it will help history and psychology too.

I’m delighted to report that I am also free.

It’s only been a couple of weeks and my nervous system is just beginning to settle. I feel exhausted. Years and years of making allowances. I don’t need to do it anymore. I have never cleaned and tidied so much. Years of living in a muddle.

Thank you to you all for sharing your stories and to @SpecialMangeTout3 for keeping this community going.

@BustyLaRoux, You told me to keep the momentum going. I did, and got through it. Sending love and strength to you all 🩷xx

@ANiceLittleHouseByTheSeaWithACatCalledBrenda thats fantastic news, really so thrilled for you. Wishing you oceans of happiness and peace 💐

@ANiceLittleHouseByTheSeaWithACatCalledBrenda I'm so so happy for you. I genuinely wish you all the luck and love in your new life. You deserve the happiness and peace and quiet. What joy💕

Sorry to hear of bust up! Hope it wasn’t a big bust up and that you’re alright. Bust ups are upsetting.

Glad you can live vicariously through my new found freedom! It’s quite strange actually. It feels really good and then not so good at various intervals.

Yesterday evening I started feeling quite hormonal and sad and I suddenly thought “what if no one ever cuddles me again?” 😞. Don’t get me wrong, although he was good with the cuddles, he is unreliable, delusional, has low frustration tolerance, doesn’t cope well with stress, is self absorbed, controlling, dishonest, emotionally abusive, volatile and he drinks too much. I will keep reminding myself of all the shit I put up with for so long because I don’t want a moment of weakness to overcome me! (Hence reading back our threads from 2024).

I’m so glad you and other people have taken some courage from my story. These threads were an absolute life line for me. I went from being so in love in my new relationship to being absolutely heartbroken when about 18 months in I started to experience the emotional abuse. I think until that point we had been blissfully happy and I had ignored the red flags. Then things started happening which I didn’t know how to make sense of. We tried counselling. He managed to make that all about my behaviour and his feelings…. 🤷‍♀️ And then after a while I worked out he was likely autistic and I drifted over here. (Not that all his abusive behaviour can be attributed to autism as the autism supporters were keen to remind me!). In the end it didn’t matter to me what was autism and what wasn’t (though if you need to stay in the relationship then as @SpecialMangeTout3 says, it can be helpful to separate what is tolerable and what is not).

He did work on a lot of behaviours. He did want to be a better partner. Perhaps that and a fear of being poor kept me there much longer than I should have stayed. We had a lot of good times, but underneath I was just waiting for the next fit of rage, scared to raise the most basic thing as his criticism sensitivity would quite possibly send him bellowing at me/throwing stuff/giving me the silent treatment.

In the end a relationship shouldn’t be that much hard work, should it? I can be both relieved it is finally done and also a little sad from time to time.

Oh @ANiceLittleHouseByTheSeaWithACatCalledBrenda what wonderful news!!!!! I am utterly utterly thrilled for you. That’s made my day! Well bloody done 🥳

I think the momentum is the hardest bit. You can make the decision to leave (I did, many times), but it’s hard to keep yourself in that frame of mind. Your resolve weakens and you find ways to excuse this and that because ultimately it all feels too hard and too unfamiliar. But you got there! I hope you’ve bought yourself something jolly (doesn’t have to be a pink kettle!) as a visual reminder of your new freedom. 🏆

So happy for you @ANiceLittleHouseByTheSeaWithACatCalledBrenda 🥰❤️ may your lovely new home bring you peace and happiness, maybe with a cat too?

Great to see you back @BustyLaRoux 😀❤️ allso very happy to hear you are free and not with your DP anymore.

I haven't posted for ages, things are very up and down here. There's been a lot of improvements here.... but I am still flip flopping quite a bit! I will pop back on some time to share more. Love and strength to you all 🥰❤️

Flip flopping is perfectly understandable. None of this is easy! We are here if you need us.. 🫂

@Echobelly your DS’s new room sounds amazing! I hope he appreciates all the hard work you’ve put in.

Now to tackle DH’s stuff mountain! Surprised you haven’t secreted it all to the tip! (I am very much enjoying a clutter free house).

@ANiceLittleHouseByTheSeaWithACatCalledBrenda im really happy to see you’ve left for a happier place!!

The first few weeks are perhaps the hardest, if only to find your footing again.
i wish you all the best.

@ItReallyDoesntMatterAnymore i think flip flopping is pretty normal. I’m a good example of it 😁😁

Im glad you can also report some improvements with your dh.
im just going to gently remind you that improvements migut not be enough. And that, after years of living in not so adequate circumstances, it’s easy to think that those improvements are amazing/more than you can expect. They might not be. Don’t forget we all tend to have a quite low bar of what’s acceptable…

He does and I was very pleased that he remembered to thank the lovely decorators, without prompting, when he saw it nearly done.

I've just booked flights for our summer holiday last night and I've been wondering if adhd meds might help DH's over the top anxiety about my holiday driving, something that has almost ruined a few previous holidays.

Thank you @BustyLaRoux and @SpecialMangeTout3 it is becoming more and more clear that although there are improvements, there is still a constant balancing act and I go from thinking 'it's working' to being convinced that there is just no way I can do this!

Things like my own health niggles, DD's MH crisis last autumn and now onset of puberty, as well as DH handling his ADHD diagnosis and now trialing meds, combined with health issues with both my parents all means that last year/this year was not the ideal time in the end. Despite having a foot out the door!

But, once DD has settled into Secondary (in Y6), should we actually find a suitable provision for her that is, and her MH is more stable, I am open to considering my options... I have all sorts of dreams and ideas if what might be possible.

For now, I am making lifestyle changes for my health, I've lost weight (helps with health issue) I have stopped my wine'oclock habit and I am now planning on starting up a small hobby/business 'thing' locally, later this year/next year. So I'm in a much better place in that sense but I hit burnout when DD had her crisis last year and I have more bad days than good but am getting there!

We definitely have less huffing and puffing, less PA behaviours and sulks/scowls from DH but every now and then that less pleasant side rears it's ugly head and reminds me of why I feel the way I do. There's just no way of getting away from that. And I don't think we can blame ND for that, I think it's personality too?