DH Redundancy and I lost perspective

[SorrowfulWife]

My DH was the main earner but was made redundant a year and a half ago. He has been looking for a job in his industry but found nothing - some interviews but no offers. Just before his redundancy I got a better job, thank goodness and almost reached his prior earnings by now, but not quite. Still, we have lost one income and I have found it extremely stressful.
I think at this stage I completely lost perspective on what my expectations should be. In the meantime, he got heavily engaged in a hobby which I become really resentful of, just because it feels like he is prioritising his hobby goals( let's say.it is playing in a band) whilst all I do is work to try and keep us afloat.
He has been doing all school runs and most of cooking, maybe a bit more life admin and childcare but that's about it. He is not under immediate pressure because we have a saving pot, to which we now have started dipping.
We are basically in limbo, until he finds a new job. I am beginning to wonder if there is anything in our marriage worth fighting for. To say it has been a disappointment is an understatement, but I am at loss at what to do. Meanwhile, he got himself a hobby event booked that will now take a lot of his time for the next 4 months. I feel like if he was serious about finding a job he would focus on that, but instead he is doing what he likes and wants. Maybe it is his midlife crisis (early 50s). Our communication is awful and relationship probably has never been worse. Work ethics is really important to me so having a husband that has not been working for so long has really taken its toll but I don't know what to do next.

I have always worked excluding paid maternity leave, and never had any unpaid employment gaps, so I hope he could lean on me and when I was earning less, I covered all chores, childcare and admin as well to make up for less equal pay. As soon as I could, (both children at school) I started to bridge earnings gap. I was never a SAHM.

Yes, there does seem to be an element of double standards that him being the breadwinner was fine but it’s not ok the other way around. That said, he should be doing most if not all of the cleaning/cooking/childcare etc and OP said that beyond school runs and cooking he isn’t.

Their savings. If he was the main breadwinner up to 18 months ago, most of their savings probably come from his earnings.

Lmfao!!!

Honestly i cant complain too much about media. Yes....We all started on less than half of 50p as execs but honestly i've made out fairly well despite 2 x mat leaves and peers who all seem to have MBAs from wharton...

That's clearly not the case at all. The OP has stated that she's always worked as well as doing the lion's share of all the domestic/caring work, but was a lower earner than him. No doubt she's missed out on career opportunities and pensions contributions because of this, not to mention the time and effort spent being the one who does all the housework and school runs etc.

Her husband has taken advantage of her to further his own career, and now when it suits him, he's living off her and pursuing his own dreams.

My issue is not about being the breadwinner, as long as he financially contributes something. The issue here is he has no money coming in at all, at this stage I would welcome even a minimum wage to ease the load.

So how is there ANY double standard....?
He ISNT doing any of that ... OP is!

OP's point as i read it is it was "fine" for him to do close to FA around the house / children when he made all the ££££.
Now he makes £0 and still does FA and that's not okay

That's not a double standard....its recognising a crap deal.

All of this

think you're being a bit mean OP. DH was the major breadwinner for a long time, and supported you. Now it's your turn to step up.
There's no reason why DH can't have a hobby AND look for jobs

@KnickerlessParsons
Im astounded you posted this
Op is stepping up and has been for 18 months plus doing most of the housework
Of course he can have a hobby and look for work but the whole Op is that HE ISNT DOING THAT
Why do people post such nonsense?

I suggest he applies for part time supermarket work - after qualifying period he'll get a staff discount. Given the inflationary food prices in recent years, this should massively help the family budget.

Op is he applying for any jobs at all?

Speaking as someone who fortunate enough to do both of my degrees in Oxbridge and got a first, I really don't understand that level of snobbery. Unfortunately, it usually comes from other people who went to one of the ancient universities. If people are judging you for your university marks and where you studied (and Nottingham is a really good university), then they are deeply insecure.

guess as it’s the dm this is meant to be a rage bait article - people with expensive watch collections and 3 bed seaside holiday homes to sell and still spending £70 on cleaners aren’t exactly on the bones of their arses. And they didn’t even sell the holiday home, just took a few less fancy holidays - boo hoo

It's not that easy. I am a single income household and have been trying very hard to find work since the middle of August. Trust me, I doing what I can because I literally have no money coming in and only a few months wiggle room.
There are hundreds of applicants for supermarkets and other more casual roles.
Unemployment is increasing.

Taking guitar lessons while the family are dipping into savings for his hobby is taking the ABSOLUTE piss

I can completely see this is stressful for you OP, but I would try not to think badly of his hobby. It may be keeping him going in many ways. People who have always had a job can get very depressed and down and then not do anything when they lose it - so at least he is not in that state. However, I think it is time to talk about re-adjusting who does what in the house so he can take a bit more on and also time to consider he does something else entirely - he needs to take any job if you are dipping into savings. I would be careful to not criticise his hobby though.

Well, if someone is applying for those jobs and isn’t getting them then of course they’re struggling.

But “they’re swamped with applicants”. Isn’t a reason for not bothering to even try.

Ultimately if you need a job then you’ll take anything. not just wait for the job you want to come up.

The problem with so many people in these specific jobs is that they think that shelf stacking, call centre work, admin roles, delivery driver jobs are beneath them. Because they had a “career.” Well newsflash, they don’t any more, so if they need to live then they need to do whatever job becomes available.

Beggars can’t be choosers.

It’s not easy to just pick up any job .

Gone are the days you walk in with a CV to a shop look compis mentis and start.

I’m looking and it’s a nightmare, am happy to do more junior roles but that’s not helping either.

Any job ideas for a late 50 something professional female? I looked at a few shops Fat Face etc but they weren’t interested as I’ve come from a professional background - so even they are being picky! It’s a nightmare I sympathise with your hubby OP.

You are right, it is on me for not communicating it. We need a plan with timelines, at the moment I don't feel there is one.

I think you nailed it - hobby is there for distraction including any events planned. I support having time to himself, he can't be job hunting 24/7 but I feel that hobby should be very much secondary. Yes he is spending time applying, started casting his net wider but still in the same area of work so not applying for everything. I am afraid the longer it goes on for, the more unemployable he will become. Having a bit of a temping office job could help - anything, really. He is on a losing foot with any candidates who have been working in the last 18 months and the gap is getting wider.

Crikey, whatever happened to being a team and for richer for poorer.

This poor bloke has been the main breadwinner for the last 25 to 30 years. Think of all the lovely meals out, wonderful presents, constant generosity throughout the years not to mention supporting the children you have together. Suddenly he’s now a bum because he gets made redundant (no fault of his own) and he can no longer show you the high life? Surely you can’t love him and you think he’s only as good as his last pay check. As other people have pointed out it’s a very tough job market and even getting “anything” is a lot easier said than done, indeed the supermarket type jobs are probably harder than a professional one for someone of his age and experience

You should be supporting your husband not kicking him when he is down. Does all the money he has earned and things he’s bought for you and treated you too mean nothing now? As for savings well who paid for those

As for people suggesting divorce that’s just unbelievable. So you’d consider throwing away the love of your life, who you have married and had children with and a lifetime of memories over not being able to get a job for 18 months when he has provided for the last 30 years. Jeez. Not being horrible but as a woman in her 50s with 2 kids I doubt you’ll be attracting a 30 year old on 250k on the dating market lol. Whereas he’s in a band and could conceivsbly pull someone half his age, and quite frankly it would serve you right if he did

I appreciate everyone's comments and interesting perspectives. From my point of view, it is very risky to have just one person earning when there is 2 of you and both are healthy.
It is not about who is the main breadwinner, but about sharing the responsibility for paying the bills, which I have always done.
It is also not a very good example for our kids. I did all sorts of jobs in the past, including cleaning and bar work when I had no choice, just to have some money coming in, albeit a long time ago. I don't think he is prepared to do the same at this stage.

My DH (52) was made redundant from a senior marketing role 18 months ago - he has applied for 100s of jobs and recruiters keep saying his CV is excellent but there are too many candidates chasing not enough jobs. He's applied in his old sector at his level, all the way through to supermarket jobs. He's had a few interviews and got down to the last 2 for a senior board role about a month ago. However, the ONLY job he has been able to secure is a PT min wage job in retail....which he is doing and which brings him in some "pocket money". It is absolutely brutal out there (I have two soon to be graduates looking too) and his mental health is suffering.

The difference is that he has taken on everything at home - ALL of the cleaning, cooking, washing etc jobs as I am now working FT, trying to support 6 of us on a household income of 25% of what he used to earn.....your DH needs to step up and do more at home, and either monetise his hobby or try for any job at all...as others have said, there are lots of Christmas vacancies but it may take a bit of effort to get one ...

That’s equality for you. 🤷‍♀️

I think you misinterpreted my original post. We never had a high life. He was earning more then me when I was on maternity leave and was not being promoted when the children were small. He was earning a good wage but was never an exec. It is not a cry from SAHM who has to do a bit of work now. I have always worked! I am not sure where you are getting the generosity, presents and high life from - it has not been my experience! He was just earning more than me to a certain point but I almost caught up with his salary now. The problem is, we only have one now, when we always had 2.

Is everything just about money? What about your weddings vows