DH Redundancy and I lost perspective

[SorrowfulWife]

My DH was the main earner but was made redundant a year and a half ago. He has been looking for a job in his industry but found nothing - some interviews but no offers. Just before his redundancy I got a better job, thank goodness and almost reached his prior earnings by now, but not quite. Still, we have lost one income and I have found it extremely stressful.
I think at this stage I completely lost perspective on what my expectations should be. In the meantime, he got heavily engaged in a hobby which I become really resentful of, just because it feels like he is prioritising his hobby goals( let's say.it is playing in a band) whilst all I do is work to try and keep us afloat.
He has been doing all school runs and most of cooking, maybe a bit more life admin and childcare but that's about it. He is not under immediate pressure because we have a saving pot, to which we now have started dipping.
We are basically in limbo, until he finds a new job. I am beginning to wonder if there is anything in our marriage worth fighting for. To say it has been a disappointment is an understatement, but I am at loss at what to do. Meanwhile, he got himself a hobby event booked that will now take a lot of his time for the next 4 months. I feel like if he was serious about finding a job he would focus on that, but instead he is doing what he likes and wants. Maybe it is his midlife crisis (early 50s). Our communication is awful and relationship probably has never been worse. Work ethics is really important to me so having a husband that has not been working for so long has really taken its toll but I don't know what to do next.

@notquiteruralbliss
I dont agree - She isnt being unrealistic.

She isnt expecting him to walk back into a 100k+ year role... (which i agree isnt likely or realistic)

What she's expecting him to do is:

• Do at least 50% of domestic labour
• Make some kind of financial contribution.
• Invest time and effort in activities to enhance his cv (interview techniques and cv optimisation as per @Mummyoflittledragon s post)
• Invest time actually looking for jobs

She is expecting him to be her life partner and she is expecting him not to sit idly playing his guitar and looking on at her as she breaks her back keeping the family afloat...
I think that is a realistic expectation.

I really feel for you @SorrowfulWife
I do agree with other comments that the job market is terrible in many sectors. It's going to get worse, much worse imo.
Despite that, I think your DH is being incredibly selfish and seems to have reverted to the life of a 'man of leisure' instead of taking responsibility for the situation and adapting to it. He has 18 months to do this already! He should be applying for anything that he can get eg food or parcel delivery. Even if he only earns a small amount, it takes a bit of pressure off you and might mean that you don't have to dig into your savings. He should also not be taking up expensive hobbies. On the contrary, he should be cutting down on his spending and being frugal. He should also be doing all the chores and the great majority of the housework without question. The two of you need a longer term plan in case he can't get another well paid job. That might be downsizing or maybe even splitting as you seem as your relationship sounds pretty miserable at the moment. The first thing is to speak to him and for him to start pulling his weigh far better at home and cutting back on his spending give that your family circumstances have changed so much.

It sounds like you're a bit jealous of his hobby time. This is understandable, but after 1) looking for and applying for new jobs and 2) taking the main load of child/home care then the next most important thing in unemployment is keeping your confidence and MH in a good place. If his hobby does this then it really is a valuable way for him to spend his time.
Being depressed and losing confidence is a quick route to a dead end where you can't get a new job because you just don't project the right energy.

I think you should concentrate on ensuring your DH is doing 1 and 2 above and not focus on envying his hobby time.

Id feel the same as you. I don’t think this is ok unless you are happy with it, which you aren’t… xx

How is she being mean?! Most people understand that the job market is awful but that doesn't mean that he can't take all the domestic load and the majority of the childcare off his wife who is now the main breadwinner and cut back on expensive hobbies. She wasn't a SAHM relaxing at home prior to this. She also worked but earned a bit less and took on nearly all the domestic load as well.

You aren't being unfair at all. Speak to him and tell him how you are feeling.
He isn't taking any responsibility for this situation at all. You are married with children so he needs to.

Yes absolutely he should take on more of the general running of the household but 18 months into a job search in a horrifically bad job market, it is unrealistic not to reorginise their lives to account for the fact that he may well never get another well paid 'career' role. Theres absolutely nothing wrong with switching who is the 'breadwinner' depending on life stage, opportunity cost of working and availability of work.

At the very least he should be taking on all the household chores like shopping, cooking, childcare and general cleaning until he finds something. OP needs to feel some advantage to him being (temporarily) unemployed.

I don’t agree that he should be the main breadwinner by dint of being a man though.

So is he dipping into savings to fund the hobby because that would be totally out of order?

I do think it's a bit of a come to Jesus moment at 18 months. Particularly as it's now heading into the dead season of Dec/Jan. He should have been head down looking for work through September to now.

Otherwise, I understand the stress levels of suddenly being the breadwinner. It is insanely stressful not least because there's no safety net so also using the savings pot should be a complete No. Let me guess, is a significant portion of that pot his redundancy and therefore he considers it "his money" to run down. Because you should be sitting him down to say that is now the buffer should you be laid off and it can't be touched. Full review of household finances and what needs to be cut back drastically. You should also be making it clear that you need some free time and you're getting close to burn out.

I've been in a similar position and two things.
When I started actively talking about selling the house and downsizing, sending links to much smaller properties DH woke up and realised I was really quite serious.

The job market at this age group is accessible only through networking imho. Calling in favours, talking to old colleagues who know others. He needs to look at what else he can do with his skillset and is it transferable into contract work, project delivery etc.

Start a separate thread looking for ideas. Key skills on his CV. That might help to prompt his thinking.

Domestically, ramp it up. And don't accept the "looking for a job is a full time job". It can be, but as you proved previously, it's possible to do both.

Lastly - well done on your promotion/progress. Don't lose sight of what you've also achieved through the pressure of having to. It might be time to apply similar pressure to him.

I understand your frustration. There were times in my DH working life (or when not working life to be more accurate) where we were short of money. I became the main wage earner - which I did resent at the time- and he seemed to just faff around, and would not consider a job he felt wasn’t good enough for him. He eventually settled for a “lesser” job that at least paid regularly and was only 4 days a week so it had benefits to him as well. I was happy because he was bringing in a regular wage, albeit less than his original. I could live with that.
All you can do is have your boundaries about what is /isn’t acceptable. Like not dipping into savings. Cut your cloth accordingly and if he (and the kids) have to do without things it might focus his mind a bit more. I do think it’s a difficult time for men (like it is for women!) as they come to terms with their mortality and the realisation that they are in effect past it for the career market and are no longer a top dog in the jobs market.
Give him a bit of tough love. A serious conversation about you and your needs as well as his. If the relationship is worth anything it’s worth fighting for. Good luck!

I think OP said she cooks at the weekend. Which is not picking up the vast majority of the jobs.
OP as I said before, please be on his team. Sit down and just say to him, you would be happy if he goes for any job bc money is important to you, sharing the financial burden. That you are happy he keeps a hobby and so do you but in the spare time.

I sense this strong bias in this forum that men are essentially providers. Nearly each thred is about women who want to stop working and enjoy the best years of their children. And nearly everyone agrees, ditch the job, live life, your kids are only young once.

I always worked full time and have 3 DC. I have been questioned by many people why I do this, why not just be part time as we can afford it. This is why. Because it's not fair. Because anything can happen. Bc men don't need to be the providers.

He has been doing all school runs and most of cooking, maybe a bit more life admin and childcare but that's about it.

Why do you think this is? The growth of AI, or looming recession?

This is mean about the older white men....you sound very peeved about them as a group. People age so being old is not a thing to ridicule!

Mocking their shoes and suitcases no clue what a rimowa suitcase is ...what is that all about? You clearly have an issue with that group.

Not necessary to write this stuff it comes across as jealous that they had mortgages and made money on mortgages...you clearly have a problem/are jealous that they have gotten ahead in some way.

This comes across as quiet spiteful post. OP's hubby is likely in this group too.

I always wonder why people just don’t try to find a job not commensurate with their previous ones in this situation. It makes sense for the initial period to focus all energies on finding a similar job (or even something close to that) in terms of field and earnings, but after a while I’d be taking anything so that I could contribute to the family pot. Have only read the first post and not updates so apologies if I’ve missed anything to that effect.

Are there other jobs he could take, even if on a part time basis so that he still has time to look for other work?

Its very sad when women basically say their husband has outlived his usefulness when he is no longer the familly wage earner

The job market is horrific possibly the worst ever, AI, cut backs due to the NI increases, economy in a mess, too many people.

It is a perfect storm and almost impossible to get work.

I get your frustration. In that situation I would be expecting him to find any job, within reason, even if its not what he used to do.

I have friends who had career breaks to be SAHMs and then returned to work, then their DHs started suggesting it was their turn to have time off, but failing to consider that the SAHM break is running round after small dc, and that the dc are now more independent.

Do you feel that is the case?

It's very sad when people can't understand that he's not contributing anything. Taking the kids to school, picking them up, making dinner a few night a week. That's pretty much the sum total of his entire contribution for 18 months. The OP hasn't only focused on finances, she's provided a fuller picture than that. If he's not going to pull his weight at home, then she needs him to be working.

Seems from op posts that he hasn’t and doesn’t want to apply for just any job but is waiting for something in his field to come along. But as lots of us had suggested after 18 months that time has passed, now he needs to apply for anything just to have some income coming in but he refuses to and instead spends much of his time on his hobbies along with a few household chores.

I have sympathy with you OP, I do think he should be focusing less on his hobby and more on getting temp work etc. (I have no idea how easy this is though). I have a few friends who lost jobs last year and are still unemployed 12 months, it's not easy out there.

Divorce does seem drastic, unless you no longer love him and the only thing keeping you going was his income. You say you want someone to lean on- how will you deal with that as a single parent? What will you do if he seeks full custody as he can be a stay at home Dad and claims CSA from you? Would you look to remarry another high earner- a lot of older, wealthier men are looking for younger models as second wives in my experience - particularly if that wife earns a lot less.

I do think you need to have a serious chat with him, but also think about what you really want going forward.

I know it's annoying when people say this on here but you do really need to talk to him. I suspect you might find that a lot of your resentment is born out of lack of communication and assumptions about what he's feeling and thinking. You need to tell him how you feel and give him the chance to tell you. You might find his behaviour changes, or you might find that you are less resentful because you have communicated. Divorce is a massive upheaval for you and the kids. It's also very expensive. I would suggest opening the lines of communication before you sink further into the mindset of 'there's nothing worth fighting for'.

Good luck

I'm 100% with him. It's a thankless and stressful role being the main earner. Its evident whenever this dynamic flip, even when the previous main earner has done so for 30 years (in silence), the new earner is always quick to express how mentally difficult it is! (Same if the previous breadwinner suddenly has to take point on childcare haha) it's always a shock!

The other thing the main earner gives to the other partner is more freedom for them to it take more risks with their career. They can retrain, go part time, take a pay cut for a more interesting job etc. The main earner certainly can't do that so they slog, on often unfulfilled.

So after 25-30 years of that, he gets chucked out, can't find another job and realistically - at 50 he might as well be 70 in the eyes of recruiters. He's also from the tail end of a 'a man is only a man if he earns' generation. He must have felt so useless, like an obsolete spare part!

Yet, being free from work pressures he's not become depressed but discovered a hobby that makes him happy and he's good at. OP you said they are comfortable so I would assume his career was in part the reason for this?!

Providing he's doing the lions share of home stuff and letting you focus on your career and keeping that pressure of you as you did for him - this could became a little business driven by passion, and when you do something out of passion, money always has a strange way of showing up. :)

Theres a great movie called 'The Company Men (2010)' with Ben Affleck which nails this!

I hope this doesn’t come across badly, but did you not feel guilty enjoying a hobby while your husband worked full time?

There are a few separate issues here which basically come down to both OP's DH and the OP recognising that in this utterly terrible labour market her DH is (a) going to find it very hard to get a replacement professional job and (b) very hard to find a bar or supermarket job. Partly because the economy is so bad and there are many fewer jobs in all categories. Partly because he is 50-something and in a very tight labour market there is no block on ageism.
I actually think he is taking a sensible route to mental self-preservation by doing his hobby. However the OP doesn't agree - it's a financial cost, he's not doing enough housework and it's basically disrupted how things were (aka its not how OP saw things panning out).
For those PPs saying 'get a job any job", good luck with that. Completely pointless advice as anyone looking for a job right now will tell you.
His realistic options, as PPs have mentioned.
Do some voluntary work which is interesting and helps maintain professional networks
Use existing networks to try and find a new job (but don't hold your breath, the networks don't have much either and just sit about all talking to each other on LinkedIn)
Do some version of freelancing/self-employed.

Make the most of his hobby on social media (but in a professional-sounding way)
Train into a new skill - but really think hard about this. For example, no sense in retraining to be an electrician, say, if at the end of it there's no work ... because electricians only want younger apprentices.
PS this thread reminds me of what the film Full Monty was really all about. The men were laid off and started freelancing (in this case as strippers) and the film was about how it affected the balance of power in their personal relationships.