DH Redundancy and I lost perspective

[SorrowfulWife]

My DH was the main earner but was made redundant a year and a half ago. He has been looking for a job in his industry but found nothing - some interviews but no offers. Just before his redundancy I got a better job, thank goodness and almost reached his prior earnings by now, but not quite. Still, we have lost one income and I have found it extremely stressful.
I think at this stage I completely lost perspective on what my expectations should be. In the meantime, he got heavily engaged in a hobby which I become really resentful of, just because it feels like he is prioritising his hobby goals( let's say.it is playing in a band) whilst all I do is work to try and keep us afloat.
He has been doing all school runs and most of cooking, maybe a bit more life admin and childcare but that's about it. He is not under immediate pressure because we have a saving pot, to which we now have started dipping.
We are basically in limbo, until he finds a new job. I am beginning to wonder if there is anything in our marriage worth fighting for. To say it has been a disappointment is an understatement, but I am at loss at what to do. Meanwhile, he got himself a hobby event booked that will now take a lot of his time for the next 4 months. I feel like if he was serious about finding a job he would focus on that, but instead he is doing what he likes and wants. Maybe it is his midlife crisis (early 50s). Our communication is awful and relationship probably has never been worse. Work ethics is really important to me so having a husband that has not been working for so long has really taken its toll but I don't know what to do next.

Is there any way he can go self employed OP? Even bring a little work in?

Bringing in a wage is sometimes all that man has ever really contributed.

But have you told him how you feel? You really need to be very clear with him and spell how how it makes you feel. Spare nothing. If he refuses to take a job (including minimum pay whilst nothing better comes up), then you need to make a decision.

If you haven’t had this conversation, then I’m afraid you have some responsibility in this situation.

It sounds like he is trying to find work, I personally don't see an issue with him having a hobby rather than just lounging around the house all day.

If he were a women there wouldn't be any of the criticism or shame. I have been a SAHM, was tough in the early days, but now have the opportunity to play tennis few times a week, which is great for my mental health.

Should roles not be equal? Or were you happy when he had the pressure of being the main breadwinner but now it's you, you don't like the pressure? And if you think you can't lean on him now, does that mean he could not lean on you before?

BUT SHE HAD A JOB WHEN HE WAS A BREADWINNER!!

This man is an unemployed freeloader.

So, it was okay when the roles were reversed and he had no one to lean on?

OP also worked, albeit at a lower salary, AND did everything related to childcare and the home.

The husband is doing his hobby and some cooking. The OP is working FT in a stressful role while still doing the majority of household chores.

Calm down... it's tongue in cheek but yes i was a bit mean...

I'm guessing you arent in media.
Anyone who works in adland likely recognises this trope.
Media agencies especially at senior levels are classically white and male. Diversity only arrived around 2015....

All the client presidents and head of strategy etc wear ubiquitious "uniforms" would spend an age discussing their shoes with eachother (Churches Loakes and Crokett &Jones etc). Most travel a lot for clients and all have the same stainless steel rimowas which are inordinately expensive (a carryon is about £1k). They often acquire statement glasses too.

I will concede when my coworkers and i were earning 1/3 to 1/4 of the salary and doing their literal job for them i def got a bit irritated with it and resented it.

The good news/bad news/general news is im now a very well paid millienial who manages gen X who probably think i'm overpaid a bit lazy and out of touch too...!

He should definitely just be getting any job at this point. In fact, that point was probably at least 6 months ago.

It sounds like he is burying his head in the sand with his hobby. Staying busy with that so he doesn’t have to face the fact that he can’t get a job.

He’s early 50’s and behaving as though he has taken early retirement.

I think you need to sit him down and remind him that he has school age children he needs to financially support.

Train companies want drivers and when I am travelling around bus drivers seem to be needed. I wonder has he applied. I know things are different but in my working life I would not have liked being out of work. Nowadays I spend part of the week meeting up with retired colleagues and we are good friends now as we get on so well. Caring jobs ,for the elderly are needed.

I feel for you OP I really do, my DH has been unemployed for 20 months now. He has applied for more junior roles but been told he is too experienced! It is really hard on both of you.

Dipping into your savings does mean that something needs to change because that is not sustainable.

Do you feel he is doing everything he can to find a new role?

Could he get a job like Amazon driver or delivery driver for one of the big supermarkets or does he feel those type of jobs are below him?

I was replying to someone else but for some reason it left that out! Will delete the comment as it makes no sense, thank you.

Exactly, I always smile when I read this. My husband tried to get jobs at supermarkets (he´s an IT technician). He never got one. Overqualified, you will leave immediately you find something else, no retail experience, people in their 50s aren´t malleable...etc etc etc

It baffles me that people think that it's easy to get work in a supermarket, it isn't, especially if you're vastly overqualified. They're looking for teenagers ffs.

Surely those jobs want applicants with the relevant certificates. You don´t drive a bus on a normal licence...

Yes. It's very demoralising to not even be able to 'just get any job'.
I wonder if the people suggesting these position have actually tried recently.

You can't just apply to be a bus or train driver. They require specific skills and qualifications.
Retraining is a privilege only people who do not need to earn money have and can take the financial hit while training. This might be something for OP's DH to look into.

I'd be pissed off too. I don't earn enough to be the 'high earner' in any situation and having made sacrifices in my own career to raise my children while my husband carried on comfortably cruising along with his, including losing years of pension contributions and being on a lower salary than I would be if I hadn't had kids, I'd be really annoyed if the 'tables were turned' only now I was doing all the paid work and still most of the domestic stuff too. So YANBU, OP, and there are quite a lot of replies on here sympathetic with your husband that are probably from men who'd love to quit work and learn the guitar at their wife's expense. I'd bloody love to do that too. But the bills won't pay themselves.

Yes the job market is tough but it's not impossible. He needs stop dicking about and get a job - any job - before he becomes unemployable.

I'd be surprised if a man in his 50s couldn't get a job in a bar, or seasonal work in a warehouse over the Christmas period though. Lots of ads for those around at the moment.

I also changed jobs in the last three months - admittedly within my own sector, and reading stuff like this I feel very lucky, but there are jobs out there. Obviously it's pretty dire, and AI is going to make it more dire still, but it's not completely hopeless. The OP's husband needs to be more creative about where he's applying and/or making a different plan for his future. He can't just rely on living off his wife indefinitely, especially since this wasn't a joint decision but has just been sprung on her.

So much rubbish being spouted as absolutes on this thread. Nobody can get a licence to be a train driver without applying to become a train driver. Training is on the job, there is no other way. Many bus companies are similar and will train up people without a PSV licence to drive a public bus. Lots of supermarkets value the relative stability of older workforce members. Two older men have recently been working the tills in my local Tesco.

The point is this guy isn't even trying and his wife needs to make him understand that cannot go on.

I strongly agreed with what you said and I have a 2:1 from Nottingham!

Going a year and a half without a job is unacceptable. He could work in any supermarket, corner shop, clothing store, pub, bar while finding something better.

I wouldn't be supporting him at all at this point and would be making it very clear he needs to get off his ass and find something.

I could´ve written this.