DH Redundancy and I lost perspective

[SorrowfulWife]

My DH was the main earner but was made redundant a year and a half ago. He has been looking for a job in his industry but found nothing - some interviews but no offers. Just before his redundancy I got a better job, thank goodness and almost reached his prior earnings by now, but not quite. Still, we have lost one income and I have found it extremely stressful.
I think at this stage I completely lost perspective on what my expectations should be. In the meantime, he got heavily engaged in a hobby which I become really resentful of, just because it feels like he is prioritising his hobby goals( let's say.it is playing in a band) whilst all I do is work to try and keep us afloat.
He has been doing all school runs and most of cooking, maybe a bit more life admin and childcare but that's about it. He is not under immediate pressure because we have a saving pot, to which we now have started dipping.
We are basically in limbo, until he finds a new job. I am beginning to wonder if there is anything in our marriage worth fighting for. To say it has been a disappointment is an understatement, but I am at loss at what to do. Meanwhile, he got himself a hobby event booked that will now take a lot of his time for the next 4 months. I feel like if he was serious about finding a job he would focus on that, but instead he is doing what he likes and wants. Maybe it is his midlife crisis (early 50s). Our communication is awful and relationship probably has never been worse. Work ethics is really important to me so having a husband that has not been working for so long has really taken its toll but I don't know what to do next.

Whereas he’s in a band and could conceivsbly pull someone half his age, and quite frankly it would serve you right if he did

You're thinking of someone like Mick Jagger, mate. He's a total knob who deserves that haircut, but he's rich and famous. It does take more than twanging in an unknown group, while having no income, to pull a gorgeous young hottie. Guitar Hero lied to you.

Cooking, cleaning, laundry, childcare AND a part-time job. That's what a lot of women have to do so why not him?

You're projecting massively. When did the OP make out that they've got a luxurious lifestyle that her loaded husband has been bankrolling and now she's butthurt that she's having to spend some of her own earnings on him while the poor dear gets a well-earned break from his high-flying executive lifestyle?

She hasn't said anything of the sort. As for the idea of someone in a pub band being able to pull hot young women - LOL. There are so many people projecting their own weird misogyny onto this thread, it's unreal.

You have either not rtft or have just made up a load of rubbish here. OP said she was working. She hasn't been a sahm that now doesn't want to do any work. There is a massive difference between working part time with preschool children ( or even not working at all with pre school children) and not working at all when children are at school and not doing anything at home either. There is also a massive difference between two people working but one earning a little less than the other and being the only one working. The psychological pressure of being the only earner is huge and completely different to having a wife who works part time while looking after small children. Not everything is about money but if there isn't any and the other person isn't pulling their weight then that leads to resentment which is not conducive to a loving relationship if one person feels taken advantage of.
Also #newsflash# women are capable of living without being in a relationship. Many 50 something women would rather chew their own arms off than get into another relationship. Single women ( unlike single men) are the happiest demographic after all.

An unemployed musician in his 50s? Who isn’t being paid even for gigs? Yeah, the ones I know couldn’t pull someone their own age, never mind younger.

People on this thread are just making things up. To sum up, OP has always worked AND done the bulk of childcare and housework. He earned more than her but not massively so and she did everything else. In terms of work, that’s more for her. He is now NOT working and NOT doing the bulk of everything else. And she’s earning a commensurate amount to what he earned.

At the VERY least he should be doing as much housework as she did. AND doing things that bulk his CV. He was very happy to take the household labour when she was earning less. Now he’s earning nothing, he’s not. Wanker.

Oh God the " Poor Bloke" brigade are here 😆

Awwww poor bloke , made redundant and has been pissing about for the last 18 months playing in a band, wasting money on guitar lessons whilst his wife behaved like the only responsible adult.

You think he will run off with someone else?
I think the Op would be opening the door and happily waving him off at this point!

I thought he had applied to over 100 jobs.
If they are like the ones I’ve been applying to, it takes 2 or 3 days to tailor your cv and covering letter. It’s very intense. I presume he’s had many AI-generated rejections. It’s gruelling.
While I do think he needs to look at alternatives now, I don’t think he’s been pissing about for 18 months.

Hello OP’s DH, nice to meet you 😂

🤣🤣🤣.

Yeah, some bloke in his 50’s, no work, no money and three school aged kids. I’m sure some 20 something would just jump at the chance 😂😂😂.

I did not expect such strong reactions but it's good to hear different points of view. I know it is not easy, but there are SOME jobs out there. Even tasks like dog walking could bring in a bit of money.
What is not attractive is being at home without being productive one way or another. I think I have realised how important for me is to see some drive and proactivity. Yes, he is applying for jobs, may cook some dinners, but it is not taking 8hrs a day. Kids are older and do not need constant supervision after school. It's not like I am only working and he is a house husband managing all the housework.
I was very careful to be supportive after redundancy, giving him space to be able to get back to employment. But it's been long time and nothing happened. He was claiming unemployment benefits but they have now stopped as well.

I think you can use dipping into your savings as an excuse for having this talk with him.

its actually really good he’s helping around the home and has a hobby, as redundancy can be hard on your mental health. However it sounds like he’s become too comfortable and actually just wants to retire. At this stage I’d be suggesting he takes any job he can get maybe Tesco delivery driver, for example? Working in a shop? He needs to start contributing! If he’s a bit out of touch with the latest skills he needs he should have been spending the last 18 months upskilling

Where does it say 100 jobs?

If he's applied for a 100 jobs but is still not getting anywhere and despite this is making playing in his band and guitar lessons his main priority for the next 4 months then he's bigger fool.

I would be equally disappointed in your situation. He needs to have some sort of paid work. You can't live off your savings.

What does he say when you tell him how you feel, what has he communicated back to you is his timeline for getting employ? I think maybe there is more than just a “job” problem but a communication problem in the marriage

I've just discovered DH has been interviewing secretly for a month for a job and has just been offered a job, earning about 90% of what he was earning before...so even after 18 months of unemployment, miracles do happen!

I think this is a fair point! I have been very careful not to put pressure because I understand redundancy is hard on the ego. But I may have now gone too far and not having communicated my point of view, now became resentful of the situation. I have been waiting for some sort of plan and timeline to materialise from his side but I doubt there is one.

That's amazing! Congratulations, you must be relieved.

I was in this situation where I lost my higher paying job one and a half years ago.

I had now found after great desperation and talking to my network extensively. like yourselves our life was in limbo as well and we dipped into savings a lot. We also stopped any travel and only did free things around.

I did become a traditional SAHM for the period with entire childcare , life admin, cooking, cleaning and laundry and spiraled several times and resorted to the thinking I’ll never find anything ever again. It’s very hard out there trust me.

When my DH was made redundant in April of this year, I knew that was it. The ageism is rife (he was 59) and he also is a naturalised British citizen so has the foreign accent and anti-immigrants taking our jobs sentiment is a real issue. There are also fewer and fewer jobs to go around made worse every year by new students graduating and trying to find jobs while at the same time the pension age is going up. I crunched the numbers and said to him, just retire. All our income is my income. We cut our cloth to fit our income. He had tried to work at home base, as a delivery driver and so on, but these sort of temp jobs are in short supply and companies won’t hire an overqualified old man who is likely to either retire or bail at the first chance for a job in their career field.

OP, you both need to come up with plans, and one plan needs to be what if he can’t find any work at all.

We may have been drinking champagne...hang in there and good luck!

My salary covers the mortgage, bills, food, petrol and basics there is nothing left for savings or emergencies - like when we had to get an iPad for secondary school or car repairs and that's when we take from the savings (which were supposed to be for house improvements). I think that's also why he has not felt immediate pressure because we are just about managing on my salary.

Thank you so much! I lost hope so pleased to hear about your miracle.

A few recent articles on ageism today
https://www.independent.co.uk/money/older-workers-jobs-unemployment-ageism-b2847421.html
“Age discrimination is rife in the workplace, Independent readers say, after new ONS figures showed unemployment rising and vacancies falling.
Readers said the lack of jobs was hitting older people hard with those in their 50s and 60s finding themselves “discarded like a used tissue” after decades of loyal service.
Some described spiralling into depression and experiencing financial strain after redundancy, while others said they had been forced to take low-paid or part-time work stacking shelves despite years of professional experience.
Several blamed cost-cutting managers who see older employees as “expensive” and “outdated,” arguing this short-sighted approach sacrifices skills, mentorship and productivity.
Others said companies’ obsession with cheap labour and short-term profits has left them struggling to rebuild teams.
A number of readers have turned to early retirement or self-employment out of necessity, only to find both solutions exhausting and precarious.
While a few spoke of eventually finding rewarding work, most painted a bleak picture of insecurity, lost confidence and wasted experience – a generation of “old horses” who feel written off before their time.”

https://uk.news.yahoo.com/ageism-crippling-britain-economy-doomed-050000708.html
“In fact, the problem is not a lack of willingness, but a reluctance to hire. Many over-50s trying to get back into the workforce face ageism. A 58-year-old told The Telegraph last year that she had applied for over 300 roles in 12 months and never got a look in.
A 62-year-old man who had been out of work for 18 months said he felt interviews were always ruined by the sight of his “grey beard”. A 60-year old woman who had worked for top designers said she was often told after job interviews, “We’d love someone just like you, but younger.”

I agree ageism in the workplace is a problem. My last job interview i was told i was the best candidate but then basically told i was too old and they hired an inexperienced 22 year old.

anyway, my dh has been made redundant a few times. Each time he completely takes over all housework and life admin. He already does all cooking and food shopping.