How to word this without letting him know that I know?

[PeeledOranges]

Hi,
I have been in a (what I thought was very happy) relationship for nearly 5 years now. Approx 18 months to 2 years ago the intimacy just stopped, this was usually led by DP but even when I tried to initiate I was gently knocked back. The result of this is no sex life, no bedtime cuddles and the last few weeks he has even started going to bed an hour before me and our usual time (we live together btw).
I feel really upset about this. I am attracted to him and miss the intimacy so much. It makes me feel sad and not as close a couple as we used to be.

I need help to word the above as I am not very good at stating how I feel and what I need or when things upset me.

The big problem here is that I now know he has been messaging people on line. I found out by accident when I saw a dating app on his phone. I didn't realise at first as it is a new one (Pure dating - it's actually a hook up app from what I gather). So I did a little bit of digging and have discovered a whole string of messages with another woman in the first half of last year, some very explicit. I am not sure if they met up but the messages were upsetting to see. And he did try to reconnect with her in July this year but got knocked back.

Obviously this ties together. I can't say I know about the affair, firstly I don't want to be accused of snooping (well not until I have got myself together to move out which will be after Christmas) and secondly I need to be able to access my sources without him knowing because I have discovered some other stuff too.
I know he hides his phone from me when he is messaging and I know he's lied about his whereabouts on different occasions.

Please help me word something to say how upset I am about the lack of intimacy without loosing my shit at all the other stuff that I've discovered.

(After typing all this out I am wondering whether just to keep quiet for now anyway, I made a list of all my random suspicions and it adds up to 17 things so far . . ) I can't believe I am in this situation. So sad about it all.

You don't have to make this more complicated than necessary.

He already knows 'lack of intimacy' is hurting you. He isn't suddenly going to say 'Aw, I had no idea, I'll be a better husband', is he? He's cheating on you.

If you want to leave him (and if I were you, I certainly would want to leave) you don't have to tell him you know about his affairs. You can simply tell him that you feel your marriage is over.

But equally it really doesn't matter if you do tell him you know he's cheating. He can accuse you of snooping, certainly, but that doesn't change a thing. You'll still be leaving him and he'll still be a cheat. The fact that you snooped doesn't somehow cancel any of that out.

That's a risky strategy i.e. he decides to initiate sex with you - do you really want that? Sounds like he should be getting tested before he goes near you, and how would you insist on that without letting on that you know what he's been up to?

Also, ofcourse he knows his choices are hurting you - sleeping around and deceit - doesn't take a rocket scientist to conclude that your partner is going to be hurt.

There is absolutely nothing to discuss or to be retrieved here. I think you know this in your head, but your heart is lagging behind. Yes, you have been the best of friends and shared everything together. But now, hard as it is to believe, that is over.

I really feel for you and it’s something you do need to process by talking and talking over a period of time with people who you can trust. But he is not a person you can trust. Share it with a counsellor, friends, family or MN. Not him.

You've found him out and hopefully by him not having sex with you has saved you from any STDs plus you don't have to turn him down-many think they can have their cake and eat it.
Just be glad you're not years down the line. He isn't the person you thought he was. No point in showing him he's hurt you. Most people know this would hurt someone they just don't want to admit it to themselves. The same reason people don't like getting caught they don't want to look bad or see the hurt on the others face as they feel guilty as they know it's wrong.
Be glad you've found out. You're not a fool. He is. Rise above it. Be strong. Be smug-youve now got the upper hand. Knowledge is power. Ducks in a row and off you go. He won't know what's hit him.

Yes. I pay half of all bills, insurances and food and fuel. I have 2 teens living here too. I also contribute a share of fixing things/decorating/furnishings.

Are you paying half his mortgage? Where were you and your children living before you moved in together? You should be better off living with him, not worse

There's no mortgage on the property, he owns it outright.

We lived in a rented house and when my landlord wanted to sell up. We did discuss moving on together then and him renting his house out.
I can't claim any benefits as he has a good amount in savings. I am financially worse off now which I never expected.

@PeeledOranges You had a name change fail, I think .

Sorry you're in this mess and I hope you and your family make a fresh start very soon.

@Beenwhereyouareagain

Oops at the name change fail! I'm not really hiding from anyone, just keeping it separate.

You don’t need any discussion, you dump him. He is cheating on you.

Op the man is actively looking for someone else. Your relationship is over, he just hasn’t articulated it yet, as he’s not found the one, it’s just a matter of time before he says thr words. Likely in the new year.

please don’t send him a message begging for sex. He knows he’s hurting you, it’s not something he’s unaware of, it’s a choice he’s making, he’s looking to meet someone else and move on.

I'm still getting my head around the fact that the relationship is done.

So I've formulated a plan. I am not saying anything til next year. I cannot afford to move out, nor do I want to move my DD who is mid A levels. But I am going to focus on moving away once the summer term finishes. I can't afford to live where I am now but I can move back home which is much more affordable and I think I will be able to transfer my job too.
I've discovered so much more to this man now, including current use of hook up apps both for gay men and straight couples etc. He's clearly hiding his phone from me and messaging. I know exactly why his ex was so angry when they split now. It all makes sense.
Anyway I feel much more optimistic about the future and I am going to focus on building m y escape fund for next year.
I do wish I had a close friend to chat this over with at the minute.

The very best of luck x x

Sorry to hear this. No point in having a conversation. You need to move on. All the best.x

Do you have an income @PeeledOranges

Yes that’s daft. You plan to leave, you don’t want intimacy so you don’t need a conversation about it. You’ve caught him messaging other women and you can think of 17 times he’s lied to you, do you really think he’ll care that you’re upset by the lack of intimacy? Of course he won’t because he doesn’t care about or respect you in any way

Say nothing when the time is right make your plans and leave. No need for any discussion.

Yes, I work full time but I also have two dependant teenagers and an older child who is at university. I have zero money in savings and can't seem to make any headway with saving. Life is expensive - I even sold my car last year and now walk everywhere as I couldn't afford to keep it on the road. Genuinely feel that life is quite shitty at the moment.

Don’t let him know. Leave him & let him wonder why.

So there have been developments and my head is spinning so I thought I would write here - mainly to note everything down and if anyone does read and want to offer helpful advice then please do!

I have now discovered a current affair is happening right under my nose. A boy's weekend in Liverpool was a romantic getaway - no wonder he was exhausted on his return. I did some more digging and this has been going on for just over a year from what I can make out. They have met numerous times (supposedly part of a men's walking group). Anyway it turns out she has an online business and fairly mainstream online profile so I know who and where she is. I could even sign up for a one to one advice session about her area of speciality. (I won't fo r now)

As of yet I have done nothing apart from gather evidence. I am now becoming angry about it. But I can't do anything until after Christmas. I need to get my head together, my ducks in a row and make a plan.

I don't even know who to talk it over with in real life? For some reason I am reluctant to say anything to anyone who knows DP because it will make things difficult for them. I did consider speaking to DP's close friend who I also know. But I am not sure what it would achieve. Really I just need time and space to adjust and plan and someone to talk it over with would be massively helpful.

I made the latest discovery this morning before work and I am trying to get through the day without bursting into tears. Somehow I could manage the idea of a short past affair and then bide my time to plan and leave but to see an ongoing affair with lots of happy photos all happening right under my nose just tears me apart. I just feel so sick and so hurt and rejected.

Don't speak to anyone who might give him the heads up. I am so sorry you are going through this, especially at this time of year.

You’ve said you don’t have a close friend to talk to, what about family? Does your workplace have an employee assistance line, or something like mental health first aiders who can signpost to services available? I don’t think STBX’s friend is the right person to lean on for talking and support. There’s nothing his friend can do about him having an affair, and whilst they might be sympathetic, unless they are equally as much your friend they’re unlikely to want to get involved or take your side - particularly not without talking to him as well, and you’ve said you don’t want him to know about your plans to leave quite yet.

I also wouldn’t waste time and emotional resources trying to make an appointment with the OW. Keep those things for your plans in the ending-it process. In all likelihood she’d simply end the session once she realised you weren’t there as a genuine client, and you’re unlikely to get the answers you want even if she would talk to you.

He has emotionally checked out of the relationship and given that he’s sniffing around other women there is a good chance e he’s physically cheated on you or is going to any day now.

The relationship is over unless he wants to reconcile but sadly it does seem he’s gone cold on you and it will be very difficult to warm him up again.