How to word this without letting him know that I know?

[PeeledOranges]

Hi,
I have been in a (what I thought was very happy) relationship for nearly 5 years now. Approx 18 months to 2 years ago the intimacy just stopped, this was usually led by DP but even when I tried to initiate I was gently knocked back. The result of this is no sex life, no bedtime cuddles and the last few weeks he has even started going to bed an hour before me and our usual time (we live together btw).
I feel really upset about this. I am attracted to him and miss the intimacy so much. It makes me feel sad and not as close a couple as we used to be.

I need help to word the above as I am not very good at stating how I feel and what I need or when things upset me.

The big problem here is that I now know he has been messaging people on line. I found out by accident when I saw a dating app on his phone. I didn't realise at first as it is a new one (Pure dating - it's actually a hook up app from what I gather). So I did a little bit of digging and have discovered a whole string of messages with another woman in the first half of last year, some very explicit. I am not sure if they met up but the messages were upsetting to see. And he did try to reconnect with her in July this year but got knocked back.

Obviously this ties together. I can't say I know about the affair, firstly I don't want to be accused of snooping (well not until I have got myself together to move out which will be after Christmas) and secondly I need to be able to access my sources without him knowing because I have discovered some other stuff too.
I know he hides his phone from me when he is messaging and I know he's lied about his whereabouts on different occasions.

Please help me word something to say how upset I am about the lack of intimacy without loosing my shit at all the other stuff that I've discovered.

(After typing all this out I am wondering whether just to keep quiet for now anyway, I made a list of all my random suspicions and it adds up to 17 things so far . . ) I can't believe I am in this situation. So sad about it all.

Yes and no.

It is understandable that you want him to have to deal with the consequences of his actions but if what you really need is to keep your home for a month or 6 then there is little point in raisimg it now.
are you sure you can bear to stay thete? Are you safe?

To be clear- i am quite safe here. There is no violence or bullying or mental abuse.

@Mulledjuice I don't know if I actually can bear to stay for 6 months. Just thinking about getting through Christmas without saying anything is difficult. Much harder than I thought it would be. But I don't feel I have much choice in the short term. My older dd is coming from abroad with grandchildren for a week. I can't cancel, they can't afford to lose out on the cost of flights and hotel. And currently DP is doing his step dad role well, he's fairly involved in the DC 's lives.

I do wonder if he's waiting until after Xmas to confess...? It did cross my mind.

If he does confess it puts you in a strong position, you act as if you didn't know, hopefully he has a pang of guilt and might offer to help you out financially finding somewhere to live. At some point over Christmas he will be with ow, make sure you keep busy, visit your dd as much as you can, I wouldn't host too much unless he's out. I wouldn't send her a cards, it's a waste of postage, if you send him one hopefully he'll wonder who it's from, he might think it's ow stirring the pot .

Ohh @PeeledOranges I didnt realise you had children with him - agree that makes this a completely different scenario xx

Reframe this. You are taking advantage of him not knowing you know to get your ducks nicely lined up. Although he has the power with housing, you have the power with knowledge.

So keep lining up those ducks. Get an emergency plan together, as well as a strong medium term plan. Emergency plan for if he announces you have to go. Medium term, for moving in the strongest possible position.

And absolutely take the walking poles back. Buy him a cheap alternative because you “don’t have any money as living here has proved so expensive”.

Edited to say sorry, somehow missed pages of updates. Ignore. (Mostly)

He is hurting you OP, and it’s a hurtful situation.

But he won’t change as a result if you saying anything, and if his forbid he did you would be in a position of having sec with a man who is cheating. The yuk factor would be too much for me.

So I would say nothing now but definitely plan to separate. Then tell him with dignity and your plan for kicking him out.

Tell him now and you are just begging for scraps of something that you don’t even want.

What is your living situation? Can you not just kick him out and be done? He doesn’t love you and has no respect for you.

OK, caught up.

OP, vent here.

Do not throw any bombs into the mix until you have cast iron security for immediately and calmly relocating your Dc.

He is a despicable human being and obviously this is very painful for you but you have to take responsibility for the fact that you moved your mid -A level Dd into his house, and she deserves not to have her exam year upended.

Do do not pull any stunts with anonymous cards, contacting the OW or talking to his friends. That could result in him kicking you and your Dc out immediately.

Would your parents lend you a deposit for a flat? Can you check whether you would be eligible for any UC top ups that would make it affordable? You were presumably financially supporting your own household before you moved in with him so can do so again?

What a cheating scumbag he is. I know it’s easier said than done but I’d be trying my hardest to move out asap, before he gets wind and does it for you.

The DC are all mine and my late husbands. DP has no children of his own.

The house is owned outright by him.

@FollowSpot Yes, I did support my household with working and UC for years. But my problem is now I have no financial cushion to rent ( no deposit) and I have barely any furniture as we merged households last year. Most of my stuff was old second and third hand stuff anyway. I don't even have a bed of my own!
I am going to try and borrow the money to set myself up, I will need to ask a few relatives for help though because none of us are very affluent.
I would never have moved in if I knew this was happening - the bastard has totally screwed me over. However, I do appreciate that I moved us here and hate myself for it because of my poor DD. It's just horrendous thinking she may have her A-level study disrupted due to my choices.

BTW - I am just ranting about acts of petty revenge - I absolutely am not going to act on them but it feels good to at least say them on here.

Don't beat yourself up, it happens, he isn't worth it, the relationship has probably been over for a while.

If you are paying rent or utilities, stop. Get rid of all direct debits and act confused when things don't get paid. Tell him you're trying to sort it out with the bank etc. This should buy you at least 2 months of savings. It's the least you deserve.

If he loved and respected you, found you attractive still but had ED or a very low sex drive, that's one thing.

But the man is rejecting you sexually while messaging other women on hook up sites. Why are you even wasting your time worrying about how to phrase it? He's checked out emotionally and sexually and he's just living with you out of laziness and convenience. Just tell him you know and ask him to pack his bags.

@Grammarninja that's a good idea! I don't pay rent but I do contribute to utilities. Definitely when I am going I will be keeping the money instead of transferring it.

@HeadDeskHeadDesk I can't ask him to leave. He owns the house outright. I have no legal right to stay or to ask him to go.

Are your dc old enough to get jobs during the holidays to help save for a deposit, not all landlords want deposits. How do you think he would react if you said that living together doesn't seem to be making either of you very happy and take a bit of control, he must realise it's not working out, whose idea was it to move in. There's no need to mention his affairs, they will continue whether you're there or nnot.as he has a good relationship with your dc would he accept its over but not want to see any of you homeless by helping you out financially.

Don't let things like furniture hold you back, you could try and find somewhere part furnished with all the white goods, there are also kindness sites, freecycle, freestuff, there is always loads of stuff being gifted where I live, you could probably furnish a home for free.

At the moment I really don't know where I stand. Would he really turn and make us all homeless overnight? I thought he was a good guy, one of the nice ones. But why is he doing this if that's the case? Yes he does seem to have a good relationship with the dcs which I would like to think it counts for something.
Maybe he is not the man I thought he was though.

@MissMoneyFairy it was a joint agreement to move in together. I raised the idea as we were talking about being together long term and moving to live together. Then my landlord decided he was selling my home so it brought the need to make a decision up. We discussed it loads at the time. How it would work, money, bedrooms, household responsibilities etc.
It was absolutely a joint decision.

And yet now I know he was already looking to stray. This is what I am so angry about. He could have prevented my current situation. If he had said this isn't right I would have made alternative plans and just moved into another rented house. I am absolutely kicking myself for not doing this. For trusting this lying cheat. He's been so dishonest with me.

He's been very cruel, how old are you all. You said you were sending your dog to your mums then said she's no longer here, that confused me a bit.

He's neither good nor nice, you have the evidence of this. Is there anything you can sell to help build up your money? Any gifts he's given you?

Sorry to confuse - my mum died a few years ago now. I meant my ex mother in law (late husband's mum) who I have a really good relationship with.

@BuckChuckets Gifts - ha no. He isn't what I would call overly generous. Gifts tend to be flowers or tickets to an event. I really have very little to sell that would make any kind of money. Both my teens have part time jobs to help out too.

Would you all be able to stay with your ex mil for a while over the holidays

Hear hear. Just leave you dont have to explain. Just say im not happy im leaving but id wait til you find somewhere

What has he been getting out of this, OP? Given that he’s had straying in mind from the get go? Is it the reduction in his bills because you are sharing them? Is it housework you are doing?

I ask because it helps understand what he’s doing, and also what would trigger him to make you homeless overnight.

Could you register as homeless with your local authority? Not all areas are impossible.

I've had a read of the local council website and they offer help to rent and emergency accomodations. There is a contact number and email but I've not contacted them yet.

@PrizedPickledPopcorn that is a really good question! I really don't know. He gets dog walking services and I do pay half of bills which isn't that fair as there are 3 of us. So I'm not really sure what he gets from this arrangement. It's a question I'll think about though.