How to word this without letting him know that I know?

[PeeledOranges]

Hi,
I have been in a (what I thought was very happy) relationship for nearly 5 years now. Approx 18 months to 2 years ago the intimacy just stopped, this was usually led by DP but even when I tried to initiate I was gently knocked back. The result of this is no sex life, no bedtime cuddles and the last few weeks he has even started going to bed an hour before me and our usual time (we live together btw).
I feel really upset about this. I am attracted to him and miss the intimacy so much. It makes me feel sad and not as close a couple as we used to be.

I need help to word the above as I am not very good at stating how I feel and what I need or when things upset me.

The big problem here is that I now know he has been messaging people on line. I found out by accident when I saw a dating app on his phone. I didn't realise at first as it is a new one (Pure dating - it's actually a hook up app from what I gather). So I did a little bit of digging and have discovered a whole string of messages with another woman in the first half of last year, some very explicit. I am not sure if they met up but the messages were upsetting to see. And he did try to reconnect with her in July this year but got knocked back.

Obviously this ties together. I can't say I know about the affair, firstly I don't want to be accused of snooping (well not until I have got myself together to move out which will be after Christmas) and secondly I need to be able to access my sources without him knowing because I have discovered some other stuff too.
I know he hides his phone from me when he is messaging and I know he's lied about his whereabouts on different occasions.

Please help me word something to say how upset I am about the lack of intimacy without loosing my shit at all the other stuff that I've discovered.

(After typing all this out I am wondering whether just to keep quiet for now anyway, I made a list of all my random suspicions and it adds up to 17 things so far . . ) I can't believe I am in this situation. So sad about it all.

@ComtesseDeSpair "In all likelihood she’d simply end the session once she realised you weren’t there as a genuine client, and you’re unlikely to get the answers you want even if she would talk to you."

Actually I think I have all the answers I need really. I know what he's been up to and I know who with and when. I actually don't have questions for her. I just want to lash out and hurt someone. I won't of course but that's how I feel. I am not even sure she knows about me. The previous affair that I uncovered did know about me as I was mentioned in the messages. But this one does not mention anything about me so maybe she isn't aware.

There is a workplace counselling but it's actually the department I work in so would be common knowledge that I had accessed it. Not the end of the world I know but it puts me off a little.

@PInkyStarfish "The relationship is over unless he wants to reconcile but sadly it does seem he’s gone cold on you and it will be very difficult to warm him up again."

I wouldn't warm him up now if his life depended on it!. I am actually considering returning his expensive xmas gift that I bought for him. Which is quite funny actually because I thought he was in this walking group and doing hills etc so I bought a set of walking poles for steep terrain! Bloody waste of money there! Unless I stab him to death with them of course

Say nothing. I mean, what would you want to happen? If you complain about the lack of intimacy and he then makes advances - would you want this knowing what you know?
Id keep quiet, get myself sorted as soon as possible then drop him.

Get yourself organised and leave. Nothing to be gained in discussing anything with him.

What’s the point in saying anything about lack of intimacy when your relationship is over? Surely it’s not as though if he suddenly showed an interest in you again, you’d just sweep the cheating under the carpet?

I’d take some screenshots of his chats with other women, keep them, and when you’re ready to leave, compose a concise, factual, and non-emotional email/text/note to him attaching the evidence of his misdemeanours and saying something like “I have been so sad since you stopped wanting any physical intimacy 2 years ago. This is clearly not a lack of interest in sex on your part, but rather, a lack of interest in sex with me, given your pursuit of other women. Goodbye and good luck.”

Please return the walking poles and add the money to your leaving fund!

@Elektra1 that is exactly what I plan to do. Present evidence and leave when I am ready.
It's hard keeping stum for now though.

Honestly, having been there myself, the most crushing indictment is exactly that: you let them know that you see exactly who they are, without giving away anything about the emotional impact on you. They hate it. I’m a lesbian but I don’t think this is gender-specific.

Sorry; I have so much sympathy.

But: "Bloody waste of money there! Unless I stab him to death with them of course"
Hold on to your sense of humor. Justifiable anger, and taking back control will make you stronger, but the ability to laugh will get you through some bad spots. I agree that you need someone in RL to confide in.

Return the poles and get yourself something nice, or save towards your move. I think children and teens are more resilient than we realize. My SF had an affair when I was 13. Nasty divorce and I was relieved when we moved. I would've hated for my mother to stay in that situation because of us. I was so much happier and had some freedom after we left. We ALL did.

Best of luck to you. ❤

Absolutely @Elektra1 so much for him thinking he is sooo clever at keeping his secrets!
I have done enough digging and now know everything I need to know. When I first had the hunch I found little bits which made me want to investigate further. But now, I don't have that urge at all, I know enough that I am certain of now.

Can you meet up with your family in a hotel instead, it won't be easy playing happy families until you reach the point when you don't care any more and see him for the lying cheating idiot that he is. I would definitely return the Xmas present, he doesn't deserve it. I wouldn't even bother trying to talk to him and thank God he goes to bed early, more time to be without him. I would look to try and move out ASAP, he doesn't want you there and that's not fair on you or your children. You'll be so much happier, you won't be contributing to his household bills, work out how much you can realistically afford and start looking elsewhere.

I'd send him and his ow a Xmas card to your home, unsigned but with a kissy kissy heart

Don’t bother have some self respect surely you don’t want to be intimate with a man who’s sleeping with other women. Don’t try to fix a relationship he doesn't want just leave him.

Hi, The thread has developed somewhat since the initial post. When I first posted I wasn't sure about any of this, then I found evidence of a past affair.

Very recently (ie today) I have found evidence of current affair and it has really upset me. Now I have absolutely no desire to want to be with him or to continue our relationship. But I haven't the means to move out until after Christmas so I need to pretend everything is okay while I plan my exit.
The relationship is far beyond fixing now.

@PeeledOranges I would go ahead and access the workplace counselling. Doing so now will mean that if you do need to take some time off to deal with a split etc, then they will have information on record already.

Never mind what your colleagues think about you using the service, it is what it's there for after all, and if they have any grain of sense, they won't pry.

You can't leave it until next years summer holidays, is he at all reasonable, could you just ask him if he's happy in the relationship, as he doesn't seem it and would it be better if you moved out. Would he offer to help you financially, do you get any financial support for your dc. I'd try and make him feel guilty and to take the final decision, pander to his ego, there's absolutely no point in staying with him. Are your family staying with you, is your brother nearby.

So you still want to have sex with him?!

Interesting. I'd be sending him on his way.

He's lied to you by way of shutting off intimacy without explanation. Then the reason turns out he's getting it elsewhere.

You deserve better. Tell him so.

I think your approach is good. You've seen enough that you know you want to leave, so there's no point having some big confrontation or argument. Get everything you need prepared and ready and at a time that suits you and your children, just leave. He doesn't deserve the effort or attention of your anger. It will be hard to bide your time, just try to use the time to focus on yourself.

I agree but realistically it's his house, they are not his children, you owe each other nothing, he could fess up and ask you to leave at any time so just prepare yourself for going as soon as you can.

I think you also need to expedite your moving out plans rather than having “end of summer term” in your head as your timeline. He’s having a current affair, and you live in his house: if he’s the one who decides to tell you well before that that the relationship is over because he’s met someone else and you need to move out, you’ll need a plan which isn’t reliant on you staying put until you’re ready.

ETA: cross-posted with MissMoneyFairy above.

I'm working on my moving out plans. I've got a plan to send the dog to my mum's house so finding a house to rent will be more straightforward for us. Then I need to get together some money.

The poster who said that I need to plan to move soon. Honestly I think you're right. It's his house and he is within his rights to ask me to move out at any point. Is have no leg to stand on. So it's really important I time this right and get my funds sorted and my ducks in a row.

I loved the idea of sending the anonymous Christmas card to his house. I could send a Card to her too. I know her address now!

Girl

Kindly

Its his house. Hes been cheating on you and is emotionally done. He likely has plans to end things after christmas himself.

I feel you are not thinking clearly. 'I even thought about returning his expensive present'

Girl what???!!

Call your mum and ask if you can stay with her? Then leave. Like today??

There's nothing to stay for. I doubt youll be able to keep this up over christmas which is two weeks away.

Your relationship is over girl 🥺. Just walk away now and tell him that you know everything.

Best of luck xx

re: Christmas card @PeeledOranges
tell her

"You're not the only one!"

and leave her to stew on the meaning if that.

Just walk away. Fuck Christmas, guests and keeping everyone happy, put yourself and your DCs first and be gone. Leave him wondering.

I know a few posters are saying just walk away or leave now. But I physically can't. I just don't have the money or resources to leave immediately.

I so wish I could just up and go to my mum's but she isn't here anymore and my options are limited. I've no family close by. The nearest relative is over an hour drive away so I can't just pull the dcs from school with no proper plan in plan. I've got to consider my job too. So moving a distance away isn't feasible. Maybe in the future but not right now

I'm so angry at myself for being this vulnerable right now. And I'm furious at him for not being honest with me.

And yes, I'm really not thinking straight at all @mumofoneAloneandwell which is why I'm posting here to help me gather myself and gain insight. I do appreciate all the comments.

Been awake since 2am with everything whirling around inside my head.