How to word this without letting him know that I know?

[PeeledOranges]

Hi,
I have been in a (what I thought was very happy) relationship for nearly 5 years now. Approx 18 months to 2 years ago the intimacy just stopped, this was usually led by DP but even when I tried to initiate I was gently knocked back. The result of this is no sex life, no bedtime cuddles and the last few weeks he has even started going to bed an hour before me and our usual time (we live together btw).
I feel really upset about this. I am attracted to him and miss the intimacy so much. It makes me feel sad and not as close a couple as we used to be.

I need help to word the above as I am not very good at stating how I feel and what I need or when things upset me.

The big problem here is that I now know he has been messaging people on line. I found out by accident when I saw a dating app on his phone. I didn't realise at first as it is a new one (Pure dating - it's actually a hook up app from what I gather). So I did a little bit of digging and have discovered a whole string of messages with another woman in the first half of last year, some very explicit. I am not sure if they met up but the messages were upsetting to see. And he did try to reconnect with her in July this year but got knocked back.

Obviously this ties together. I can't say I know about the affair, firstly I don't want to be accused of snooping (well not until I have got myself together to move out which will be after Christmas) and secondly I need to be able to access my sources without him knowing because I have discovered some other stuff too.
I know he hides his phone from me when he is messaging and I know he's lied about his whereabouts on different occasions.

Please help me word something to say how upset I am about the lack of intimacy without loosing my shit at all the other stuff that I've discovered.

(After typing all this out I am wondering whether just to keep quiet for now anyway, I made a list of all my random suspicions and it adds up to 17 things so far . . ) I can't believe I am in this situation. So sad about it all.

Why did you say when there was zero intamcy ? He has probably been cheating since then op

If you haven’t been able to save money at all by this point, I’m wondering what will have changed by the new year? Essentially, why prolong it? In your shoes I would tell him you know and that the relationship is over. This at least spares you the grim situation of pretending everything’s fine over Christmas. He may give you space and stay with his side piece over Christmas so that you can get your shit together and pack up in peace. I don’t think there’s anything to be gained by keeping it in the dark.

@Bimblebombles I've not saved because I've had an expensive year and went on holiday, supported my dd at uni, went to visit my granddaughter etc. Now I know this i will be much stricter with my spending in order to build my cushion up again.
I don't think there is anything to be gained by saying anything at this stage while I'm still in shock. I don't think he would move out right now anyway.

@Bones101 yes, the trail I've uncovered suggests the cheating has been going on for a long time. I guess I'm a bit dim and it has taken me a while to put two and two together. Of course it's very clear to me now!

Oh op how can you act normal around him knowing what you know, my face alone wouldn't be able to hide the resentment for him, that's besides what would come out of my mouth, you must be stronger than me op, honestly

If you contributed to the mortgage you might be eligible for ‘beneficial interest’ in his property.

But do take his expensive Xmas gift back. Give him a hand drawn voucher for a romantic weekend somewhere next Christmas and tell him you are going to save all year to pay for it.

Save and save and if there are ways of getting him to pay for more, do it. Plead poverty as much as possible.

It’s great you can see him so clearly now. So painful but there is no unseeing it now. It’s going to be tough for a while, really tough, but you’ll come out the other side stronger and you’ll create a better life.

Honesty is the best policy.

@WetWashingWoes his house is mortgage free. I've not contributed to the mortgage and I don't pay rent. I do at half of bills including council tax and my names on the council tax.

Love the idea about the homemade gift voucher! A gift that isn't a gift. A false promise. Ha, perfect for a cheating bastard.

@Omgblueskys it's difficult to do but I need to get over the shock and get myself organized before I say anything.

Crazy situation this evening for example: stbx dp's friend was round this evening. They are in the midst of a relationship breakdown and their partner moved out today which is why friend was at ours. After they left stbx DP was talking away about how lies are so destructive in a relationship and how his friends partner isn't a nice person at all because of all the lies that have come out. I'm just gobsmacked at the audacity of sitting opposite me and telling me how terrible lying in a relationship is!!
It was then that I knew stbx is a top class liar and I can't trust anything he says.
I'm still not over the audacity of it now!!

I don't honestly know if I can not say anything until after Christmas. It's hard to bite my tongue.
I want to come across as cool, calm and collected when I do rather than the emotional mess I currently am.

It clearly won't have any effect on him knowing how hurt I am.

Why on earth didn’t you use that as your cue to tell your dp a few home truths and end the relationship? What a perfect intro!

Because as she has repeatedly said, she has no money and nowhere to go.

The relationship is over, I'd just use him like he's using you. You have a rent free home, he has you at home, do you cook, clean, shop, laundry? It's just a convenient situation for you both now but just get as much money together as you can and leave. I'd keep out of his way, pass pleasantries and see it for what it is.

@MissMoneyFairy household tasks are pretty much shared evenly, so yes it is a convenient situation to live in for now. This is why I am keen to keep quiet until I am ready to go.
Since I found the hard evidence last week I have purposely not sat on the sofa in the evening as per our "usual spots". I realised he was hiding his phone and messaging the OW whilst sat next to me supposedly watching TV with me! I thought I am not going along with that even if I don't make a scene. He can message to his heart's content but not next to me.
Sadly I realised he is also doing his goodnight miss you messages next to me in bed.

He's really taking the piss, how old is he, I would be so tempted to leave the room and jokingly ask him if he's messaging his girlfriend again, are you keeping yourself busy.

I am keeping busy, working full time and prepping for Christmas, also exercising regularly too.
It's funny coz I did used to joke about his other girlfriend - before I knew he actually had one that is!!!

I just decided I am not going to sit next to him like I approve. I've been made a fool for long enough here.

Are you getting to the stage when you don't really care anymore, my ex was like this, thought I didn't know and that they were being clever, everyone knew, the day I left was so good, he came round begging me back, I couldn't care less by then and surprise surprise they soon split up once the novelty wore off and then for some bizarre reason deliberately delayed divorce.

I certainly care much less about him than I did this time last week!

But for the sake of my DCs I am keeping quiet for now. Putting my thoughts down here and trying to arrange to see my friend to talk it through later in the week.

He's doing it to have his cake and eat it. He feels entitled to have an affair and keep up tmrw facade of being a respectable family man.

On the meanwhile, invest time and energy into yourself.

Practice self care and if possible socialise. Depending where your live, there are apps to meet up with people.. not in a relationship sense or a hook up...but other females for friendship. It's a distraction of nothing else.

There's one called StoriBoard

I know exactly how you feel and no, you don't need to raise it. Assume the relationship is over and carry on as normal while getting yourself ready to move out. He never needs to know why.
I initially wanted to have a conversation about it for about a month after the breakup "for closure". Nah, the only closure you ever need is knowing that the person you loved made a choice to hurt you. Six months later and I never looked back.

@Catza thank you for posting- it really helps me see a way forward. And yes, you are right - he made a choice to hurt me. I shall remember that phrase.

@SandyY2K - yes- perfectly explained to me there. He is maintaining this facade that he is a wonderful step father and partner. It's all bollocks in reality. But the only people that know the reality is him and me, although he doesn't know that I know yet.
He can his cake - she's welcome to the sneaky bastard.

I am now pretty sure this is why STBX's first marriage broke up. I'm guessing here but I think his wife found him having an affair and ended things.

I have been so blind.

Just cancel everything, your family will understand.

Hay op but now your ' eyes wide open ' your one step ahead of him,
Stay calm but angry op, your winning here and the prick doesn't even know it yet,

I applaud you op 👏 🙌

OP, sorry you are in this situation. Definitely return his present and buy him some cheap smellies and some socks.

Try and save as much money as you can, buy cheaper groceries etc, make sure that all your finances are separate.

I second contacting your local council to see what help there is. I know our local council will either pay the deposit and get it back at the end, or pay it and get it paid back in instalments from the tenant.

He's a aeriel cheater, he's already cheating on you and ow, he won't change, once you're gone he'll cheat on ow with another ow, you'll be so happy when he's out of your life.