How to word this without letting him know that I know?

[PeeledOranges]

Hi,
I have been in a (what I thought was very happy) relationship for nearly 5 years now. Approx 18 months to 2 years ago the intimacy just stopped, this was usually led by DP but even when I tried to initiate I was gently knocked back. The result of this is no sex life, no bedtime cuddles and the last few weeks he has even started going to bed an hour before me and our usual time (we live together btw).
I feel really upset about this. I am attracted to him and miss the intimacy so much. It makes me feel sad and not as close a couple as we used to be.

I need help to word the above as I am not very good at stating how I feel and what I need or when things upset me.

The big problem here is that I now know he has been messaging people on line. I found out by accident when I saw a dating app on his phone. I didn't realise at first as it is a new one (Pure dating - it's actually a hook up app from what I gather). So I did a little bit of digging and have discovered a whole string of messages with another woman in the first half of last year, some very explicit. I am not sure if they met up but the messages were upsetting to see. And he did try to reconnect with her in July this year but got knocked back.

Obviously this ties together. I can't say I know about the affair, firstly I don't want to be accused of snooping (well not until I have got myself together to move out which will be after Christmas) and secondly I need to be able to access my sources without him knowing because I have discovered some other stuff too.
I know he hides his phone from me when he is messaging and I know he's lied about his whereabouts on different occasions.

Please help me word something to say how upset I am about the lack of intimacy without loosing my shit at all the other stuff that I've discovered.

(After typing all this out I am wondering whether just to keep quiet for now anyway, I made a list of all my random suspicions and it adds up to 17 things so far . . ) I can't believe I am in this situation. So sad about it all.

I doubt he will move out too.

I think you need to get sorted before you talk to him.

He doesn’t care about you so will not be amenable to making your life easier. He will not be guilty and sorry (he make fake it). He may feel shame but that is likely to lead to him flipping things and blaming you. You might well find he gets nasty.

I hope I’m wrong but in your shoes with my wise head on I’d get myself sorted before talking to him.

"I hope I’m wrong but in your shoes with my wise head on I’d get myself sorted before talking to him."

This is how I'm playing it for now. I need to get over the shock and plan, I've told a couple of close people so I have support. I feel like I don't know him at all so he could actually turf us all out overnight!

It's hard to explain. So the last two years have been zero sex life. But still hugs and physical affection was good and I felt like we were close. He did have some ED issues (and another health problem that needed treatment) so I kind of assumed we were not focusing on this for a little while. As time has gone on things have drifted more to the point where I started questioning things a few months back.
He has never been abusive in any physical or mental way ever and has always been supportive in terms of my career and my family etc.
I hope this kind of explains where I was coming from when I wrote my initial post. Things have moved on massively since the first post as I now have hard evidence of all kinds of affairs etc.

@PeeledOranges there really are some dicksaround amongst older guys- it’s not just young ones- I think some see it as entertainment/sport - regardless of if they like their current set up or not - they are rarely looking to upset the status quo - it’s usually about ‘more’ rather than ‘instead of’ - it’s completely stupid and I think for many an ego boost of ‘ooh look women are still interested’ - I totally get your situation, it’s very easy to throw yourself headlong into these things without worrying about protecting yourself because you have no idea that underneath the relationship is ‘a twat in hiding ’

It sounds like that has turned from a romantic relationship into a housemate/friendship type relationship? Could he have that idea? He may even be telling himself he's not cheating since you're no longer having sex? People tell themselves all sorts of crap to justify getting what they want.

In any case he's not really your problem any more. I'm just thinking in terms of preparing yourself against his arguments. You don't want to get tangled up further with someone so little invested in you.

I feel like it doesn't actually matter what his arguments are. I don't want to live in a house mates situation nor do I want to live with a man who is clearly interested in his bit on the side.
Either way I'm out.
I can't predict what he will say at when I confront him but in my head I'm done. It's just the untangling of my life with his that I need to do

@PeeledOranges why even bother having a conversation about it? You know what he’s up to - what can he say that would make any difference? He’ll just lie and you’ll be even more annoyed and disgusted. Concentrate on sorting the best outcome for yourself and don’t give him the headspace, he’s not worth it.

Hi OP, just read an earlier post from 17 November 2025, again and a little bit curious as to why you moved in last year if the intimacy stopped 18months to 2 years ago. Was it his or your suggestion you move in? I just can't understand why he just didn't finish it before you moved in and spared you the heartache. So sorry you are having to go through this as I can relate to the best friend element. That was one of the hardest things to deal with when my long term relationship ended 32 years ago. A lot of my tears was losing my best friend. Take care OP.