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Original poster

How to word this without letting him know that I know?

158 replies

PeeledOranges · 17/11/2025 15:16

Hi,
I have been in a (what I thought was very happy) relationship for nearly 5 years now. Approx 18 months to 2 years ago the intimacy just stopped, this was usually led by DP but even when I tried to initiate I was gently knocked back. The result of this is no sex life, no bedtime cuddles and the last few weeks he has even started going to bed an hour before me and our usual time (we live together btw).
I feel really upset about this. I am attracted to him and miss the intimacy so much. It makes me feel sad and not as close a couple as we used to be.

I need help to word the above as I am not very good at stating how I feel and what I need or when things upset me.

The big problem here is that I now know he has been messaging people on line. I found out by accident when I saw a dating app on his phone. I didn't realise at first as it is a new one (Pure dating - it's actually a hook up app from what I gather). So I did a little bit of digging and have discovered a whole string of messages with another woman in the first half of last year, some very explicit. I am not sure if they met up but the messages were upsetting to see. And he did try to reconnect with her in July this year but got knocked back.

Obviously this ties together. I can't say I know about the affair, firstly I don't want to be accused of snooping (well not until I have got myself together to move out which will be after Christmas) and secondly I need to be able to access my sources without him knowing because I have discovered some other stuff too.
I know he hides his phone from me when he is messaging and I know he's lied about his whereabouts on different occasions.

Please help me word something to say how upset I am about the lack of intimacy without loosing my shit at all the other stuff that I've discovered.

(After typing all this out I am wondering whether just to keep quiet for now anyway, I made a list of all my random suspicions and it adds up to 17 things so far . . ) I can't believe I am in this situation. So sad about it all.

OP posts:
Unicornsarefluffy · 15/12/2025 16:03

Once you are ready to go I would tell him that she told you all about it a while ago and you were just biding your time until Xmas had passed. Say you have been in contact with her. Just create a seed of doubt as a goodbye gift. Say theres no hard feelings she’s nice and the two of you are very well suited from when you met up. You wish them well.

Cause a bit of gas lighting chaos as you leave.

PineConeOrDogPoo · 15/12/2025 16:49

PeeledOranges · 12/12/2025 19:43

I've had a read of the local council website and they offer help to rent and emergency accomodations. There is a contact number and email but I've not contacted them yet.

@PrizedPickledPopcorn that is a really good question! I really don't know. He gets dog walking services and I do pay half of bills which isn't that fair as there are 3 of us. So I'm not really sure what he gets from this arrangement. It's a question I'll think about though.

I suspect you give him a cloak of social responsibility/respectability

Look at this wonderful man taking on a widowed woman and her dependent children. What a hero. Etc.

I would check if this rings true and see if this helps even a little for you to negotiate an exit.

He may feel very unwilling for you to reveal his true self to the community.

WetWashingWoes · 16/12/2025 18:56

PineConeOrDogPoo · 15/12/2025 16:49

I suspect you give him a cloak of social responsibility/respectability

Look at this wonderful man taking on a widowed woman and her dependent children. What a hero. Etc.

I would check if this rings true and see if this helps even a little for you to negotiate an exit.

He may feel very unwilling for you to reveal his true self to the community.

Show quote history

Communal narcissist? May be? More interested in looking like a good person than actually being one.

Utter twat.

Missj25 · 16/12/2025 19:36

PeeledOranges · 17/11/2025 15:16

Hi,
I have been in a (what I thought was very happy) relationship for nearly 5 years now. Approx 18 months to 2 years ago the intimacy just stopped, this was usually led by DP but even when I tried to initiate I was gently knocked back. The result of this is no sex life, no bedtime cuddles and the last few weeks he has even started going to bed an hour before me and our usual time (we live together btw).
I feel really upset about this. I am attracted to him and miss the intimacy so much. It makes me feel sad and not as close a couple as we used to be.

I need help to word the above as I am not very good at stating how I feel and what I need or when things upset me.

The big problem here is that I now know he has been messaging people on line. I found out by accident when I saw a dating app on his phone. I didn't realise at first as it is a new one (Pure dating - it's actually a hook up app from what I gather). So I did a little bit of digging and have discovered a whole string of messages with another woman in the first half of last year, some very explicit. I am not sure if they met up but the messages were upsetting to see. And he did try to reconnect with her in July this year but got knocked back.

Obviously this ties together. I can't say I know about the affair, firstly I don't want to be accused of snooping (well not until I have got myself together to move out which will be after Christmas) and secondly I need to be able to access my sources without him knowing because I have discovered some other stuff too.
I know he hides his phone from me when he is messaging and I know he's lied about his whereabouts on different occasions.

Please help me word something to say how upset I am about the lack of intimacy without loosing my shit at all the other stuff that I've discovered.

(After typing all this out I am wondering whether just to keep quiet for now anyway, I made a list of all my random suspicions and it adds up to 17 things so far . . ) I can't believe I am in this situation. So sad about it all.

I’m sorry this has happened to you OP .
It feels like absolute shit .
You will come from this , eventhough at the moment you can’t see that .
Some people just have it in them to cheat , & unfortunately you met with one of these people.
In time you will meet the right person & this guy will just have been a blip in your life .
Please don’t listen to anything he says about Changing, remember when he says he is sorry , he is just sorry he has been caught .
You deserve the best , he’s far from the best .
Wishing you well x

Original poster
PeeledOranges · 17/12/2025 10:55

I feel like this is going from bad to worse . . or he is being more careless. I've caught sight of his messaging on his phone. Various amounts of sexting to various women and a busy profile on the Pure dating app. (Which is basically a hook up site for "naughty" people - women sign up for free and dirty old men pay to use it.) Much ssexting and pics sent and received. Although i am pretty sure the dic pic he is sending isn't his!!! 😂

OP posts:
MissMoneyFairy · 17/12/2025 10:59

How did you see his messages, is he leaving his phone around.

Original poster
PeeledOranges · 17/12/2025 11:07

I glanced over when I was reading my book in bed last night, he was also reading on his kindle - except he had carefully positioned his phone there and with his back to me I have not noticed he had his phone. He's obviously done this many times before. I adjusted my pillow and he was then so engrossed in his conversation that I had a look. I saw a boob filling the screen!!

Then in super sneaky mode I filmed what he was doing on his phone screen. He was so distracted he didn't notice me lying next to him filming over his shoulder. So now I have hard evidence. I've got shots of the conversations and the apps he is on.

OP posts:
goody2shooz · 17/12/2025 11:21

@PeeledOranges jeez, I think I’d be getting an sti test asap.

Original poster
PeeledOranges · 17/12/2025 11:25

goody2shooz · 17/12/2025 11:21

@PeeledOranges jeez, I think I’d be getting an sti test asap.

No need to worry about that - he's not touched me for over 2 years.

OP posts:
goody2shooz · 17/12/2025 11:45

@PeeledOranges as long as you’re sure he hasn’t been at this for more than two years!

Original poster
PeeledOranges · 17/12/2025 11:47

goody2shooz · 17/12/2025 11:45

@PeeledOranges as long as you’re sure he hasn’t been at this for more than two years!

Good point! I am unsure of everything now. Maybe everything he has told me is a lie.

OP posts:
MissMoneyFairy · 17/12/2025 12:05

Is he hoping you'll say something, he sounds incredibly childish, does he get a kick out of thinking you're so daft you don't know what he's doing.

Original poster
PeeledOranges · 17/12/2025 12:21

MissMoneyFairy · 17/12/2025 12:05

Is he hoping you'll say something, he sounds incredibly childish, does he get a kick out of thinking you're so daft you don't know what he's doing.

I do wonder now. Or whether he has just got too comfortable with carrying on like he is. He knows I am not stupid but I guess he has been doing this kind of thing for a while so isn't as cautious.

I plan to speak to him after Christmas but before New year and tell him that this relationship is over because of his actions. Whether he denies them or not I have evidence and my support network is coming together now. The shock is wearing off and I am getting more and more angry by the day and more and more detached from caring about him.

OP posts:
MissMoneyFairy · 17/12/2025 12:27

I wouldn't bother saying anything, it's been over for him for a while, he won't care. Once your support network is in place just leave, have you and your dc got somewhere to stay and enough money now. You don't owe him an explanation, if he does ask just tell him you're bored with him.

Original poster
PeeledOranges · 17/12/2025 12:45

@MissMoneyFairy in short, no we don't have enough money or somewhere else to stay. This is why I need to talk to him. I need to tell him that our relationship is gone but I can't move out right now.
I want to continue to live here until DD finishes college. I want him to move out.

If the worst happens though then we can move to a relative's in a different county which would be okay but no good for my work or Dd's college course or DS's work. All these things can be resolved in time but the upheaval makes me feel sick for my children.

I do have enough money to live on though.

OP posts:
Sexyin2026 · 17/12/2025 12:51
  1. Visit the OW and tell her about all the hook up sites he's on
  2. Let OW believe that you and he are still having sex
  3. Wear an engagement type ring on your finger when you see OW
  4. Tell him that a woman rang you and told you about the affair. She wouldn't say who she was (let him think it's the OW trying to push things)
  5. Put itching powder in his pants/something to give him a nice rash down below

The above will cast so much doubt between them, that it will break them up. Sorry, not sorry.

On a practical note, use his card to get groceries and keep getting cash back at the till.

When you do leave, hide a few dead fish where he will never find them. Inside curtain poles, for example.

If it's any consolation, he will do this to his next partner and will never be happy. It's not about you, it's just the way he is. I was the perfect wife to my first H. Very good looking, did all the house work, had 2 kids with him, faithful....he still cheated....and he has cheated on every woman since me. And back then I was a 10/10 and he was a 5/10 looks wise. It made no difference, any vagina was a goal. He's now 58 and I think still doing it. I, on the other hand met a good guy who doesn't behave like a horny teenager all the time.

Good luck, you will be stronger after all this, believe me. These men aren't worth our tears.

Original poster
PeeledOranges · 17/12/2025 13:00
  1. Put itching powder in his pants/something to give him a nice rash down below
😂😂 The endless temptation to enact petty revenge is constantly with me...
OP posts:
ThirdStorm · 17/12/2025 13:03

I want to continue to live here until DD finishes college. I want him to move out.

gently, why would he ever agree to move out of his house. It will be you who had to leave. I think you have to expect the worst if you end the relationship now, him asking you to be out asap.

ComtesseDeSpair · 17/12/2025 13:23

I don’t think you’ve any reasonable chance of expecting him to move out of his own home so that a teenager who isn’t his child can finish college.

How much is a rental deposit likely to be? A couple of thousand? You’re working, can you get a loan? You were renting until a little over a year ago and would have had to look for a new rental then so you’re not so far back from the position you were in originally. If your DD is in her exam year and you want a settled environment for her, you’re going to provide that best in a home and atmosphere you control, not in an environment where she’s quickly going to pick up on your attitude and behaviour towards your STBX having changed and begin to worry herself about what it means and what could be happening and when it all might come to a head.

notatinydancer · 17/12/2025 13:24

PeeledOranges · 17/12/2025 12:45

@MissMoneyFairy in short, no we don't have enough money or somewhere else to stay. This is why I need to talk to him. I need to tell him that our relationship is gone but I can't move out right now.
I want to continue to live here until DD finishes college. I want him to move out.

If the worst happens though then we can move to a relative's in a different county which would be okay but no good for my work or Dd's college course or DS's work. All these things can be resolved in time but the upheaval makes me feel sick for my children.

I do have enough money to live on though.

he won’t move out it’s house. Can you get a short term loan or 0% card and move now. Temporarily until the end of the school year then somewhere permanent.

MissMoneyFairy · 17/12/2025 14:19

I would plan on him not agreeing to move out, why should he, I might suggest one of you move out and say you don't have enough money at the moment and see what he says but it's not his responsibility to house you all so don't rely on him agreeing. If he does agree can you afford the house on your own.

Original poster
PeeledOranges · 17/12/2025 14:34

ThirdStorm · 17/12/2025 13:03

I want to continue to live here until DD finishes college. I want him to move out.

gently, why would he ever agree to move out of his house. It will be you who had to leave. I think you have to expect the worst if you end the relationship now, him asking you to be out asap.

I very much doubt he would agree to move out. I know that much, I am being foolishly optimistic here. Sorry if I wasn't clear.
I could keep quiet until the summer which was my original plan until I discovered the current affairs. And as another poster pointed out he could actually call it a day at any point. He does have the power on this.

In regards to money - I was renting and had savings. I spent the savings on moving and making some changes to his house in order for us all to live there. If I hadn't done this I would be able to rent somewhere now. But the money is gone and my savings account is almost empty. I can't get a loan due to a historic bankruptcy. So my options are to stay, borrow money from family or move far away to my relatives house.

@ComtesseDeSpair I totally get what you are saying about providing a settled environment for us all. I'm just not sure how to do this right now.

There may be some chance he will offer some cash to leave. I can afford to run the house if I was single as I could claim UC. I managed for years prior to being here when the dc were younger and I worked part time.

OP posts:
MissMoneyFairy · 17/12/2025 16:03

I'd you feel,you can afford to run a house on your own then is it really just a deposit you need and furniture, you can pretty much furnish a house for free and is there stuff there you could take with you.

PineConeOrDogPoo · 17/12/2025 18:47

OP, I don't want to minimise what he's done but I'm curious that you described this as a happy relationship of 5 years but then in the next breath say that he stopped being affectionate and wanting sex 2 years ago. This sounds like some cognitive dissonance. What is going on with that do you think? How did it get to that? Why did you put up with such a hollow relationship?

LargeJugs · 17/12/2025 18:53

Get your ducks in a row and leave when you can. Don’t bother chatting to him - there’s no point. If he wanted to be a decent partner he would have been.