Friend ghosted after he saw her without makeup

[Heriam]

My friend has been dating a man for quite some time now. They’ve slept together quite a few times, speak daily, talk about their lives etc.

She recently went bare faced in front of him via video chat and she hasn’t heard from him since.

I have no idea what to say to her. Please help me to make her feel better as she is devastated.
She doesn’t even wear a huge amount of make up. It was already the case that she was clearly more emotionally invested in him than he was in her. I mean, he liked her but not with the same intensity. She is now paralysed with anxiety and can barely function 😭

She's had a lucky escape! Why would you even want to be with anyone that shallow? My DH has seen me at my absolute worst, helped me though illness, childbirth, grief. No make up is an every day occurrence.

I do get though, I think it would dent my confidence a little too.

MN threads about things that never actually happened part 24862589

Aw, bless her.

Similar happened to my sister when she went on a blind date with a bloke she'd been chatting with online, when she was in her early 20s. They agreed to meet outside a certain shop. He never showed.
It later turned out he had turned up, taken one look at her and nope'd out!
She was so upset, my dad got hold of his phone number, called him up and gave him a right earful!

Anyway, it turned out alright for her. The very next guy she went on a date with turned out to be "the one", and they've been together a good 15 years.

Why would you respond to the only man on the thread? Perhaps read up about the women who are decentering men? It doesn't mean ignoring them, or not having a partner, just not valuing them more than women and having a relationship with any man as a form of validation.

Spend the time typing here looking on BACP for a therapist, OP, honestly.

I think this probably did happen but the woman who has been ghosted is clutching at straws to find a reason as to why he’s gone quiet.

I doubt he's ghosted her because she didn't wear make-up that one time, especially if she doesn't wear that much. You've already said that it's clear your friend is much more invested emotionally in the relationship. I suspect that this is more likely the real reason - she could have perhaps been a little too intense, and although he liked her, he may have felt it was too much so soon. Yes, it's cowardly and he should have been adult enough to be honest with her. However, many people aren't (regardless if they're male or female) and take the easy way out. I'd reiterate to her that it's better she finds out now what he's like, than further down the line and reassure her that she's not dreadful looking at all, and he's a twat.

So they were FWB/hook up status, not a relationship then?
Hes still a wanker obviously and she needs to raise her bar, but sleeping together with no dates or other dating type activity is fuck buddies, not a relationship with a future and she needs to learn to tell the difference and not accept crumbs if she wants a long term thing.

I'd like to answer that, but can't, I'm 46 and only had 2 sexual partners, an ex years ago and my current long term partner. So personally I wouldn't jump into bed with someone I had no feelings for, I actually much prefer the romance, being close, cuddling, kissing side of things to the actual deed! I have to be in love or very much in that direction.

However, as an electrician I spend a lot of time working with other blokes where such things are discussed, and sad to say that some men - and I emphasise some, because many are not like this - view any sex as better than none, and may well just be viewing a relationship as a casual means to an ends, so to speak.

Now, in this guys case, that may not be the case, it may just be that he wasn't into her as much as she was into him, he was worried by the fact she was much keener, and baled.

His fault was the way he baled, the make-up thing might, and I say would probably be incidental - most men I know don't like make up on a woman and prefer the natural look, I'm not keen myself.

We do tend to make stories up to fit a narrative in our head don’t we. I imagine it’s a general insecurity of hers so she’s linking the two.

Yes , she’s focussing on the wrong thing as is the op. The question is why is your friends self esteem so low that she’s pursued this( and I say that as someone who has exhibited similar traits). Why is she surprised that a twat is being a twat?

It’s not about make up, he simply wasn’t into her or more likely has others on the go. If you live with someone they see you without makeup, hair all over the place etc, makeup even waterproof makeup doesn’t stay put for that long. Most men are not that superficial anyway and many are not even that keen on make up from talking to men

Many men don't even realise that women are wearing make up, unless it's bright red lipstick. Crafty little minxes.

most men I know don't like make up on a woman and prefer the natural look, I'm not keen myself.

You all say this, and I can believe you don't like heavy looking makeup (do you know how many products the "light" or "natural" look requires if done well?), but I guarantee that if we all stopped wearing it en masse, you would not be pleased!

You don’t actually know that the reason he’s suddenly ghosted her is anything to do with the fact he’s seen a photo of her without makeup. It could be coincidental timing and there’s been other issues that have led him to (very cowardly) walk away.
She’s been seeing/sleeping with him for a year, and I know you day in this time she’s always worn makeup, touched up in the mornings etc. But surely he knows what she looks like. How much makeup is she wearing on a daily basis to look THAT different without it, that he’s now prepared to walk away purely based on that. I’m just not buying it, there has to be more to it.
It sounds like she’s quite insecure (after a year to have not let him see her without makeup, to the point she touches up in the morning before he wakes up!) so do you run she’s put two and two together and just jumped to this conclusion about why he’s left?

Op, this. You falling over yourself to validate the first male who shows up is so sad and revealing.

Are you a male friend?

The op is clearly the friend, clearly has self esteem issues and clearly only values a male perspective. I’m out.

OP if you're the friend and this is another thread then really you need to swear off men for a bit and work on yourself.

Block the bloke. FWB doesn't work for you. You need a certain grit to have one.

On your last point, men saying they prefer women without makeup means they don't like makeup that is immediately obvious to men, for example red lipstick.

It's the equivalent of some women saying they don't like muscly men, just men who are 'toned', not realising the work that has to go into men achieving a toned physique

Why do people keep saying this? I’ve literally said a million times that I’m in no place to give advice as I understand that I have my own issues. Maybe on some level, that’s what attracts my friend and me to eachother. We can relate on a really depressing level. Perhaps we’re not helping eachother because of that.

It wasn’t about validating a man, it was about asking a question that I genuinely want to know the answer to. Because women being used for sex is hardly a new thing. And I don’t agree that a man sleeping with you means he’s attracted to you.

In terms of my own situation that keeps being referenced, as I said in the thread, I realised that I was the problem. He wanted intimacy, he kept asking me out on dates, he wanted to spend more time together, but my vile ex has scared me. Yes I need therapy too, no I’m not my friend, yes she also needs help.

His ex officially moved out and I went to his place. I realised that I’m not ready for a relationship. I have a severely anxious attachment style. I think my friend does too.

This all reads as very mixed up.
I'm not sure I'd be opening very personal messages that a friend had been sent, for starters.
Secondly, if the friend and this man have been sleeping together but he doesn't find her physically attractive then it speaks volumes about how shallow he is.
I'm sure that both men and women sometimes do this because they just want sex, but to string someone along for a year or so feels dishonest and unfair.

Did he actually say it was about her lack of make up or has she decided that is the case?

Honestly, some men cannot deal with the changes that come about in some FWB scenarios. Whether that be wanting to spend more time doing 'couple' things, one getting too attached, or being seen without makeup. They liked the sex and nothing else. It's like changing the rules of an arrangement IYSWIM.

None of that will make it any less painful, but they've generally shown who they are way before now, and they would never be a lifelong partner. Try to see it as fun whilst it lasted, and yes they are a dick, but there are plenty of men out there, and ones who won't care about seeing fresh skin without layers of cosmetics.

And often they mean they want a woman who is naturally beautiful without it. I want to be that woman too!

Ghosting is truly disgusting and has happened to me more times than I can even recall. It's funny how it stops as soon as you display even a modicom of confidence. That's what I have a problem with in your story. Men (and women) who do this are scum. He is of course free to choose who he wants to date, but ffs tell her! It's shocking to just leave someone hanging.

I just hope she doesn't start to look into cosmetic facial treatments now, unless she genuinely wanted to anyway.