Friend ghosted after he saw her without makeup

[Heriam]

My friend has been dating a man for quite some time now. They’ve slept together quite a few times, speak daily, talk about their lives etc.

She recently went bare faced in front of him via video chat and she hasn’t heard from him since.

I have no idea what to say to her. Please help me to make her feel better as she is devastated.
She doesn’t even wear a huge amount of make up. It was already the case that she was clearly more emotionally invested in him than he was in her. I mean, he liked her but not with the same intensity. She is now paralysed with anxiety and can barely function 😭

Eh?

He just used her then. Being attracted to her is nothing to do with make up.

personally, I wouldn’t want to be in any kind of sexual relationship with a man who didn’t find me physically attractive.

I also don’t think relationships work when one person is way more into the other. I feel genuinely awful for her. She is cut up.

@3luckystars

Wow! Those instagram reels were a revelation - what a difference cosmetics (and teeth, LOL!) make!

^^ 100% this, the make up this is just a coincidence

No. Nothing else.

Glitter, mascara, eyeliner, bit more glitter, more mascara, more eye liner, done. 5 minutes.

I don’t even think she should respond.

So he hasn’t ghosted her at all?

But you’re suggesting she ghosts him?

Read through the thread and my head is spinning.

started with a year long relationship ending in ghosting because of a no makeup pic.

now it’s a limerent woman being a doormat to a man who fucks her while keeping the lights off and finding her unattractive and he even says so. They have no relationship and he’s neither dating her nor ghosting her. The makeup is definitely not the story.

I’m following for what’s next.

That is an interesting update... I would disagree with your statement that 'as women our skin would curdle if a man we didn't find attractive eyed us up' I'm sorry but that is awfully superficial and sounds a bit immature. Whether you find someone attractive or not they are still worthy of our respect and a less conventionally good looking person is as worthwhile as the next person. It's perfectly fine to not want to go out with them but perhaps you should be examining why you think it's ok to say they are making your skin crawl... 😮 Are both you and your friend (and her ghosty boyfriend) getting far too caught up in the superficial? The advice to get her out for a walk in the woods might do you both good. I don't mean to sound overly harsh as if you are young it is easy to let social media sweep you up in a belief that appearance is more important than it is but at the end of day beauty is in the eye of the beholder and there are much more valuable things in life than looks and makeup.

The person at the centre of this upset needs to find a therapist very quickly, go once a week for at least six months and get some very much needed emotional support to help her pick better men in the first place and build her own self-esteem.

Of course women with make-up on can look different than women without make-up, and whilst this might be relevant on a one-night stand and the next morning, it's not relevant whilst sleeping with someone for a year. At that point, they've seen you without all the make-up perfect whatever your belief is about touching it up, it slides off, it's not fully on and you get up in the morning looking different than the night before.

It's far more likely that the man knows the woman is highly insecure without make-up, always wears it in bed and in the morning before getting out, and so 'going make-up free' was a signal to him she was getting more serious and wanting a more boyfriend/girlfriend relationship.

He doesn't want that, so he nosedived out.

The woman concerned should block him and never speak to him again, not over any imagined make-up, but because she is attached to her FWB and he is not, and that's why she's crying and he is not.

Be there for your friend or yourself, be kind to your friend or youself, and get therapeutic support to help you with relationships.

Men are very visual when it comes to women and this is hard-wired I think.

When my son was only a baby, we went to a restaurant and placed him in a baby chair. He was too young to speak so pointed a lot and once he saw the young waitress he didn't stop staring at her - she was gorgeous (no makeup).

He twisted and turned in the chair to keep her in view as she moved around the floor taking orders etc. Everyone else in the restaurant noticed and people were giggling at his reaction as his eyes were literally glued to her as she served other customers.

Later when he was 3 he told me he had a girlfriend in the creche and talked about her all the time but then complete radio silence.
I asked him about her to see if they had fallen out or something.
He told me angrily that she's not his girlfriend, she's ugly!
That was a shock.
I asked why and it turned out that her long flowing hair was a wig due to cancer treatment and she didn't wear it into the creche one day.
Cruel but why I think males are hard-wired to look for beauty in females.

I think this is it - if she is literally paralysed with anxiety over the assumption that his seeing her without make-up lead to him dumping her, then I’d say she needs to stop dating and have some therapy. I imagine she was giving out needy red flags and he has run away.

Maybe he was concerned she would ghost him after seeing his dick.
Sorry to be crass, but I despise most men.
I'm glad not to need or want to bother with them anymore, to be honest.
Your friend will be fine.

How sure is she that not having make up on was the reason he dumped her?

Anyway she's probably dodged a bullet.

It was most likely always his intention to ghost her eventually and has nothing to do with her personally. Some men are cretins. Tell her to cut him off and move on. She's had a lucky escape.

I don't know who Chantal Heide is, and I wouldn't want to wait three months to kiss someone, but I think if you are someone that gets attached easily through sex, you have to know that about yourself and not delude yourself that you are cool and down with friends with benefits or some sex and nothing else.

I always recommend Burned Haystacks as well, for women over 40, as that has some pretty robust ways of weeding men out.

If you are truly lost, and it sounds like the OP/friend is lost on this one, then having a set of rules to follow, and learning about the norms of others (what they will and won't put up with) can work pretty well.

I also think 'he's just not that into you' is a fab book.

Do you actually need to advise her? Maybe just be a sympathetic listening ear and patient with her as she moves on from him.

He isn't her boyfriend. He's her fuck buddy. He's just a hole to her. He has kept her on the hook because it's easy. He doesnt have to do anything or offer anything to get what he wants. Unfortunately, she's developed feelings and is probably listening to his sweet talk rather than his actions. Actions are communication. Your friend needs to up the bar. If a man doesn't want to date her, be kind to her, be in public with her, introduce her to his family and friends then she shouldn't be shagging them. She needs standards qnd self respect. He has ghosted her, he's treated her exactly as he's always treated her, like she's nothing. She shouldn't chase him, respond to him or let him anywhere near her again.

I would suggest that no dates, nothing other than meeting for sex, is not a relationship.

Your friend was a booty call. And called it a relationship.

The no make up is absolutely irrelevant. It's the sending a very normal picture like a girlfriend would do that's made this guy hide. Because your friend was doing something that you would do in a relationship. Like, "if I keep shagging this guy, and slowly creep things in like I'm his girlfriend, I will become his girlfriend". He's never wanted that, and she tried to push it, so he ran.

It's convenient to pretend it's about makeup because then he's a shallow bastard, and poor her etc etc. But the real issue here is supporting your friend and her self esteem as to how she set her bar so low, to be desperate to be this guy's booty call for over a year and convince herself she had a relationship.

Your fixation with appearance is odd if I'm honest and really beside the point. Sounds like you're making a judgment of your friend. Him ghosting her has zero to do with her appearance.

I'm a chap, and I agree wholeheartedly that "ghosting" is a really cruel, and childish way to behave - the ladies do it to the men just as much as the other way round, been there myself.

Unfortunately you just have to grow a thicker skin and come to the realisation that anyone who would spend romantic time with you, get close, go to bed and then cut you dead (assuming neither party had behaved badly prior of course) is not someone you want or need in your life, view it as a bullet dodged.

There’s men out there that love women who wear no make up and comfy clothes around them. She couldn’t be herself around him so it would never go anywhere. It’s best it’s ending now or she will just be dragging out the hurt.

Interesting to have a man involved in the chat. Can you please tell us what drives men to have sex with women that they don’t even like, on a repeated basis. Knowing that the woman is more deeply attached.

Men and women are so fundamentally different, I don’t even know why we bother. Honestly.

That's not ghosting, don't be ridiculous. He started ignoring her, she asked why, he told her. She can now leave him to continue ignoring her as he wants to do. She just got the explanation she was owed. He does not need or require one.

To be honest with you, I don’t really understand how someone can look different enough without makeup to put a partner off entirely. Sure, you can use heavy concealer and contour & highlight etc but your actual features are the same.