Friend ghosted after he saw her without makeup

[Heriam]

My friend has been dating a man for quite some time now. They’ve slept together quite a few times, speak daily, talk about their lives etc.

She recently went bare faced in front of him via video chat and she hasn’t heard from him since.

I have no idea what to say to her. Please help me to make her feel better as she is devastated.
She doesn’t even wear a huge amount of make up. It was already the case that she was clearly more emotionally invested in him than he was in her. I mean, he liked her but not with the same intensity. She is now paralysed with anxiety and can barely function 😭

A year?!? And no dates? She needs to learn from this otherwise she will be frequently upset. She needs to value herself far far higher.

Well if he was just using her for sex I doubt the make up even came into it. She shouldn’t have bothered, as some men will take sex if it’s going, from anyone, they don’t even look
at their face! Maybe just to come in it.

It wasn’t a relationship, they were just riding.

So she wears waterproof makeup 24hours a day and just touches it up? That’s incredible devotion to it. But unsustainable.

Agreed.. starting to sound a bit reverse-y now

@Heriam I am confused - your update seems to be slating your friend not supporting her 🤣

Also, he clearly does fancy her otherwise he wouldnt have slept with her- no? I dont generally exchange body fluids with men who make my "skin curdle" as you put it- I think you mean "blood" there.

I also doubt she looks like a completely different person without makeup. I mean, unless she is wearing drag queen levels of makeup and a wig, it's highly likely he can tell what she looks like under a bit of mascara.

Yes, she was just a fling to him. The lack of make-up may have indicated a level of trust and comfort on her part, an early ‘moving in’ vibe, that made him uncomfortable.

Her focus on her looks is a good example of someone limiting their own understanding of the world by fixating on their own preoccupations, so looking no further.

But it kind of isn’t ghosting? I would say ghosting is for when you are in an actual relationship and then silence. They weren’t. They were shagging each other and that was it. That isn’t a ‘relationship’. That’s a ‘no strings attached we owe each other nothing’ situationship.,

It sounds like an FWB situation.

I’m not slating anyone. I’m just saying that it’s not evil to find someone unattractive. The way you deal with it can be.

In any event, I don’t know what to say to make her feel better.

They had a friendship on some level too as they spoke daily. They’ve been sleeping together for around a year I believe. That’s long enough to deserve an explanation!

@Heriam but he slept with her several times so surely he did find her attractive. I think this is more about her intensity than the makeup thing

Here is one of those make up videos: the before and after look like different people! Great for a night out but keeping it up must be hard. I’m not sure that link will work. It’s amazing.

https://www.instagram.com/reel/DOweeNxkQd5/?igsh=MXZ5azMxOGNybmFwaw==

https://www.instagram.com/reel/DQ5GnU3DNDy/?igsh=aTcwd3NjMGhmc2Q5

This isn’t necessarily true. Having male friends teaches you this unfortunately. Many a men have told me that they’ll go where it’s offered. Regardless of what the woman looks like. It’s depressing as fuck and adds another level to dating complexity 😭😭

Atleast with women, we ARE attracted to you if we’re sleeping with yoU

Does she look really different without make up on? Me and my friends pretty much look similar without make up, so find it hard to believe a man would think nope! And ghost her?! Surely men know women arent going to wear makeup all of the time?! There's only one lady I know who looks extremely different without make up and it's rare to see her without any. Perhaps he was going to ghost her anyway and it coincided with that pic she sent him?

Ok, so if men will sleep with any old person just to get their end away then her lack of makeup shouldn't matter a jot should it? he shouldn't care as long as he is getting sex, therefore one zoom call sans makeup wont have put him off.

Your friend is viewing this scenario emotionally. She's interpreting it as "OMG he's ghosted me, that means I must be unloveable and unattractive" she's upset and is interpreting all kinds of horrible things about herself as a result.

Try to get her to view this scenario logically and neutrally instead. Eg: "OMG he's ghosted me, that means HE isnt a decent person, HE isnt respectful or loving and it isnt a reflection on me at all, its about HIM being a selfish dick, I deserve way better than that kind of garbage behaviour"

Its really important we reframe our thoughts and try to look at situations from a non emotional perspective (easier said than done, of course) but doing this we realise that most things arent really about us at all and they rarely mean the horrible things we think about ourselves.

Agree with this 👆

Exactly this.

Men really don’t notice makeup, and if they do, have either no opinion on it, or prefer women without makeup, often.

It doesn't come off, like it might be partially different afterwards but only slightly?!

I fully agree with the rest of your post though. I really hope she can move on, he seems horrendous.

You have another whole thread about your hugely dysfunctional ‘FWB’ relationship with a man and your awful self-esteem and neediness and how the man is basically treating you like shit but you keep going back for more.

I don’t think this thread is about your ‘friend’ and I do think you need to swear off men and get some intensive therapy.

I had one of these. Bastard did it a few weeks before Christmas as my grief 'was spoiling his enjoyment of his life'. He said he'd come back when I was better. Three months later he rang me. I didn't even recognise his voice (landline, so didn't see the number) and he was most put out that I'd forgotten him.

I think these people were grown in a lab, they seem devoid of any decent qualities.

This sounds like it was written by a man pretending to be a woman.

So he didn’t see her without make up in bed? I very much doubt thats the reason, he’s probably hit put of the ‘relationship’ what he wanted and decided he doesn’t want anything more.

Yea ghosting is cowardly but ages better to find out now who he is rather than waste anymore time.

I have this saved for exactly this sort of situation and I think about it often.

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I once chatted to a man on online dating who went on & on about how I look like a completely different person without makeup (on my photos) & even asked if the ones without were fake! He said that he'd have never put the photos with & without makeup together to make the same person.

I didn't really know what to say to him!

I don't wear any makeup day to day & do really heavy Black eyeliner, glitter eyeshadow & thick eyelashes on my eyes, for a night out, no other makeup, so to me, I look like exactly the same person just with heavily made-up eyes! Surely?!

Anyway, Heriam Your second post is a bit strange. I hope your friend is alright.

There’s something really off about it, the first post and the subsequent updates are totally different. The op seems to want to get a rise out of everyone with the “ devils advocate” shite.

Get better male friends then rather than spend your time surrounded by superficial wankers