Partner going on stag do, help I can’t cope!!

[Tbr]

Please help, my partner of 2 years is going on a stag do, one were it’s going to a Spain to the usual strips, bars possible strip clubs etc
we are 44 I think it’s unacceptable to go on that kind of a stag do, I’m so insecure about what could happen and I’m being told my standards are too high.
I”m not sure if I want to be with a man who thinks this kind of stag do holiday is deemed acceptable.
does anyone at all have the same opinion? Or does everyone think I’m too much?

I dont understand the big deal. But up to you if you find it unacceptable.

I'm going to go against the grain of the first page and say I'd hate it and probably end the relationship if my DH fucked off on a stag do that included strip clubs.
But he wouldn't, which is I suppose why I'm married to him and not the kind of man who would do that.

And you give it a rest for trying to normalise women selling their bodies to entertain perving men.

I was 18 and too shy. Not everyone has the confidence or the sales skills required for the job. Have you ever tried to pole dance? It's extremely difficult and takes a lot of hard work and practice. Plus I made an absolute fortune in tips anyway.

Why are you getting bent out of shape about other women's chosen professions? Scared some young Spanish girl wants your balding, beer bellied husband beyond €20 for a 3 minute nipple flash?

No, it really wasn’t, give it a rest.

Absolutely no one implied the only way a woman can put themself through university is to resort to dancing. By that argument- are you also implying that all female university students are lap dancers?
I’m assuming they rely on family, student loans and other part time jobs… Just like the men? I don’t understand the point you we’re trying to make there.

In that case I can see why you’re stressed (plus it’s the overall context of the trip really).

It’s a bit sad that this is what they chose to go for. My bf is going to a stag do next year, most of them early 30s and they’re going to…….
🥁🥁🥁🥁🥁🥁🥁🥁🥁🥁🥁🥁

A darts championship lol

I’m sure the op is very grateful for your smug response on your husband. Imagine coming onto a thread and stating my husband wouldn’t do that, I am sure the op is delighted to know.

i on the other hand suspect it’s not he wouldn’t, it’s he is never invited to anything like that. Or anything much of anything.

I wasn’t normalising anything, I said myself I wasn’t comfortable dancing, only working the bar. It’s not something I would recommend to anyone.

My argument was that these women are not trafficked and are working there through choice.

You’re getting off topic off now.

So dump him.

He's just a boyfriend and sonit should be fun. There are loads of men out there that don't go to strip clubs. Being single is nice too.

I would be so happy for my DP to go away and enjoy himself with his mates.
I would expect my DP to feel the same for me if this was a hen do or girls holiday.

Just because you’re 44 doesn’t mean you don’t get to do things like this.

How long have you been together?

I do think therapy is a good idea but sometimes it’s the relationship that is toxic and no amount of therapy will help.

Sorry, but you sound pathetic and clingy. Furthermore, it seems that you don't trust your husband.

Chill and stop this childish fretting otherwise your husband might well be forced to walk away. He's a grown man - stop controlling him.

Shock, horror, a man can have standards! Who'd have thought. Oh no, you're right a man with moral code must be unpopular and boring. Guess you haven't met any decent men in your life. Luckily the OP is questioning her partner's values before she marries him.

I think neither of you are in the right place to be in a relationship with anyone right now let alone with each other. You deserve better than this hypocrite. End the relationship and continue with the therapy.

Exactly.

The men don’t pursue the dancers beyond a dance. They don’t cheat in Strip Clubs, the dancers also are not interested as they’re in work mode and jump from guy to guy to make as much money as they can.

The men are however 10 times more like to cheat in a normal bar/club with a woman whos also drunk and in holiday mode- much, much easier.

You seem to know an awful lot about my husband 😂

Hilarious. They're not being exploited, objectified, dehumanised... because they comply with male desires really really well?

@Brooklans were non-beautiful/older women allowed to work there?

What is hilarious exactly? I actually never said they weren’t objectified or dehumanised, I said they weren’t trafficked or forced to work there. Thats a new topic of discussion.

But whether they are dehumanised or not, my point still remains; it’s their choice to be dehumanised.
A lot of these dancers do not care if these men objectify them. They care about the money, and forget the men’s names and faces 5 minutes later.
I say this as someone who was also objectified working behind the bar, wear heels, tiny hot pants and a bikini. I honestly didn’t care if they gawped at me, or thought I was a slapper, they’re entitled to their opinion, and it irrelevant to me anyway. So long as they tipped me, life was sweet. It’s my choice to put myself in that situation, whether you think dehumanising or not.

Now, can you read my post properly and tell me if you object to anything that I’ve actually said?

While men have different tastes in women, typically speaking you had to be slim and conventionally attractive to work there, yes. In order to audition you are required to send in a photo beforehand to shortlist.
In terms of age, there were women in there dancing up until their early 40s. These women were very slim, athletic and had the bodies of 22 years olds though, and facially looked young for their age.

We also had an older lady in her 50s who worked in the management office, so she wasn’t customer facing. She was a dancer in the 90s.

The dancers do not see it as dehumanising. You do. And your putting them down whilst doing it. Because you think yoir better than they are. You can't seem to fathom that for some women it is empowering. They are taking control of their own bodies and using it to the advantage.

That's more like it!

Precisely.

I made an active choice not to dance there, as I didn’t feel comfortable grinding on men naked. However just because that crosses my personal boundary, it doesn’t mean I think they’re objectified or below me in anyway because I’m looking at it from another moral view point.

They felt comfortable, they were in a safe environment (bouncers dotted all over the club) after they paid the club rent upfront for the night, everything they earned was theirs, no one took any money away from them. The men had a good night. Everyone was happy.

The narrative that these women were helpless victims is honestly tiring.

People often 'see things' in ways that make it possible for them to survive psychologically.

This is a very basic idea, accepted by almost all thinking people whatever their education level.

Your 'liberal feminist' narrative - the tired old story that what predatory men want happens also to be super-empowering for 'sex workers', girl bosses, sex-positive pick-me not-like-the-other-girls etc- has literally fucked society for our daughters.

Now they will become women in a world which still despises and exploits them, just like it always has - but now gaslights them into believing it's part of their self-care.

I despise your thinking. Absolutely despise it, and fear it for the girls I know. It repulses me.

Some men are gross 🤢

This place has put me off them for life!

@Brooklans if only attractive women are employed then surely it is obvious they are being objectified. It’s not exactly empowering that only attractive women (in men’s eyes) are employed