Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Partner going on stag do, help I can’t cope!!

277 replies

Tbr · 14/11/2025 12:49

Please help, my partner of 2 years is going on a stag do, one were it’s going to a Spain to the usual strips, bars possible strip clubs etc
we are 44 I think it’s unacceptable to go on that kind of a stag do, I’m so insecure about what could happen and I’m being told my standards are too high.
I”m not sure if I want to be with a man who thinks this kind of stag do holiday is deemed acceptable.
does anyone at all have the same opinion? Or does everyone think I’m too much?

OP posts:
Brooklans · 14/11/2025 23:08

sittingonabeach · 14/11/2025 22:14

@Brooklans if only attractive women are employed then surely it is obvious they are being objectified. It’s not exactly empowering that only attractive women (in men’s eyes) are employed

Read my previous posts. I never said they weren’t objectified. And I wasn’t the poster who used the term empowering. I don’t consider it empowering actually, I considered it just a job. I have absolutely no female liberation political stance on this. I have only said the women aren’t trafficked and they choose to be there

Brooklans · 14/11/2025 23:09

Brooklans · 14/11/2025 18:53

What is hilarious exactly? I actually never said they weren’t objectified or dehumanised, I said they weren’t trafficked or forced to work there. Thats a new topic of discussion.

But whether they are dehumanised or not, my point still remains; it’s their choice to be dehumanised.
A lot of these dancers do not care if these men objectify them. They care about the money, and forget the men’s names and faces 5 minutes later.
I say this as someone who was also objectified working behind the bar, wear heels, tiny hot pants and a bikini. I honestly didn’t care if they gawped at me, or thought I was a slapper, they’re entitled to their opinion, and it irrelevant to me anyway. So long as they tipped me, life was sweet. It’s my choice to put myself in that situation, whether you think dehumanising or not.

Now, can you read my post properly and tell me if you object to anything that I’ve actually said?

Show quote history

@sittingonabeach why do people continue to challenge me on things I’ve never said?

SassyCow · 15/11/2025 02:08

I've never been a fan of all that, strip clubs, lap dances, men in nothing but aprons etc. Everyone is different and has different opinions. My DH has had a lap dance once, I was like how lovely, each to their own.

Bluestar1971 · 15/11/2025 18:18

I think it's ok for him to go on the stag do. It's more about whether you trust him. Sounds like you don't which means maybe you should not be together

CestLaVieYouSee · 15/11/2025 18:19

Fingers crossed your other half makes a lucky break from you 🤞🏼 Could be best all round judging by this post.

sallycinnamon1989 · 15/11/2025 18:20

I’m 45 and go to Benidorm & various city breaks with my girlfriends every year. My husband has many weekends away with his friends too. We also have weekends away together and as a family. We trust each other and honestly I believe we both need time away from each other, and I need time to be me and not just a mum and wife, as I’m sure he does too. It’s part of a healthy marriage in my opinion. If you don’t trust him then you need to ask yourself why. Sorry if this sounds harsh but we’ve been together 25 years and a good mix of friends, family time & couple time is what makes a good relationship x

jillb55 · 15/11/2025 18:21

Completely on your side, OP. I would find that unacceptable too. Have you mentioned your distress to him?

Markus40 · 15/11/2025 18:21

Grief if i was in a relationship with some of these commenters id be bored.

Whats happened to enjoy life enjoy your friends and family ill see you when your back home gone? Me and my partner travel all over with friends and family sometimes with the son and other times not. Wild trips and non wold trips.

It does make me think sometimes there are more insecure/controlling relationships out there than normal.

SisterMidnight77 · 15/11/2025 18:29

There’s no need to go to strip clubs. They are never anything but sleazy. Other bars and clubs etc you just have to take on the chin.

Sandyshandy · 15/11/2025 18:30

Brooklans · 14/11/2025 19:14

Precisely.

I made an active choice not to dance there, as I didn’t feel comfortable grinding on men naked. However just because that crosses my personal boundary, it doesn’t mean I think they’re objectified or below me in anyway because I’m looking at it from another moral view point.

They felt comfortable, they were in a safe environment (bouncers dotted all over the club) after they paid the club rent upfront for the night, everything they earned was theirs, no one took any money away from them. The men had a good night. Everyone was happy.

The narrative that these women were helpless victims is honestly tiring.

Edited
Show quote history

I used to flatshare with a girl who worked in one of these places. She said it was great and she loved. She was one of the saddest, most insecure, vulnerable people I’ve known. It was so sad. So I couldn’t disagree more with you. Of course it’s dehumanising and men who go to these places are vile too.
44 y old men should know better and I would think less of any man who goes on these kind of holidays. He’s a dad now, not a lad - time to grow up!!

Missohnoyoubetterdont · 15/11/2025 18:37

Is he a father? Does he have daughters? Does he think it’s okay to objectify women in this way, would he be happy with someone leering over you, his sister, his child in this way? I’m pretty sure he wouldn’t.

NellieJean · 15/11/2025 18:38

Lucky me as it’s DHs version of hell. Unlike many others I don’t blame you for being concerned. Drink, peer pressure, away from home, can turn nice guys nasty quite quickly.

Speckly · 15/11/2025 18:44

Have you raised why you are averse to him going to strip clubs, talked about trafficked sex workers, female exploitation and misogyny, because you really should! He needs to understand why his lack of respect for women is a massive ick! It really isn’t ’just a bit of fun’ and he needs to understand why. He sounds like a typical caveman type 🙄

OhMrBennett · 15/11/2025 18:47

To be honest, I'm with OP on this one. If my husband decided he wanted to do this, I would have to consider our relationship but we have been married twenty years and I know he would never want to go on this sort of stag do. Maybe you need to consider if this is the right relationship for you if your partner thinks it's acceptable.

cloudtreecarpet · 15/11/2025 18:55

Tbr · 14/11/2025 13:16

Not cheated on me, has cheated in other relationships. And I’ve been cheated on

Show quote history

If you have been cheated on in the past, why oh why have you chosen to enter a relationship with someone who has previously cheated??

That to me seems insane.

Freud2 · 15/11/2025 19:02

Tbr · 14/11/2025 12:49

Please help, my partner of 2 years is going on a stag do, one were it’s going to a Spain to the usual strips, bars possible strip clubs etc
we are 44 I think it’s unacceptable to go on that kind of a stag do, I’m so insecure about what could happen and I’m being told my standards are too high.
I”m not sure if I want to be with a man who thinks this kind of stag do holiday is deemed acceptable.
does anyone at all have the same opinion? Or does everyone think I’m too much?

What has your husband said about it? Is he acting like he's going under sufferance or do you think he's looking forward to it. His answers would shape my opinion.

Janicchoplin · 15/11/2025 19:16

Tbr · 14/11/2025 12:49

Please help, my partner of 2 years is going on a stag do, one were it’s going to a Spain to the usual strips, bars possible strip clubs etc
we are 44 I think it’s unacceptable to go on that kind of a stag do, I’m so insecure about what could happen and I’m being told my standards are too high.
I”m not sure if I want to be with a man who thinks this kind of stag do holiday is deemed acceptable.
does anyone at all have the same opinion? Or does everyone think I’m too much?

You can't hold onto someone so tightly. As a previous posting said. If they are going to do it then they will do it anyway. If your insecure in the relationship. Has your partner given you reason to feel this way?
Just allow them space. Be happy in the fact that they have told you were they are going. If their feelings for you are genuine. They won't cheat. If they are not then they will.

DoughBallss · 15/11/2025 19:33

Strip clubs are a no in my relationship too and being on a stag is no exception, you need to tell him your boundaries before he goes.

Each to their own but bars and clubs wouldn’t bother me. You’re worrying over something that hasn’t happened yet and stressing yourself out.

ScartlettSole · 15/11/2025 19:46

outerspacepotato · 14/11/2025 13:06

Who's telling you your standards are too high? Him?

I would find a man who would exploit trafficked or controlled women repulsive. That's his friends group idea of fun. Ew.

That said, you're trying to control his choices.

I just wouldn't be with a man who could be ok with he or his friends using exploited women for a "good time".

I used to work in a strip club, i was neither trafficked nor exploited and most certainly not controlled. Most guys i met where polite, friendly and just out for a laugh at/with each other.
Not every strip bar is illegally ran.

LouiseK93 · 15/11/2025 19:54

It is not acceptable for a man in a relationship to visit a strip club. Period.

HereWeGo1234 · 15/11/2025 19:56

Sorry but you are being unreasonable. It sounds a bit tacky but chances are it will be all booze and lad jokes !

Blyhdsh · 15/11/2025 20:06

@Tbr The fact is that you are with a man whose values and moral compass doesn't align with yours.

He is ok with the idea of strip clubs / prostitutes and whatever is behind it (human trafficking, takung advantage of someones misery/drug abuse/poverty etc..). You understand all this and it is a problem for you.

Why are you with him?

Suzjspik · 15/11/2025 20:11

Tbr · 14/11/2025 12:49

Please help, my partner of 2 years is going on a stag do, one were it’s going to a Spain to the usual strips, bars possible strip clubs etc
we are 44 I think it’s unacceptable to go on that kind of a stag do, I’m so insecure about what could happen and I’m being told my standards are too high.
I”m not sure if I want to be with a man who thinks this kind of stag do holiday is deemed acceptable.
does anyone at all have the same opinion? Or does everyone think I’m too much?

im also 44 and tbh I would be glad of the free time to myself. If hes gonna cheat he would cheat anywhere and he wouldnt be worth worrying about if he did ? Youd be better off without him. I thought once you get to our age you dont waste time worrying about these things

Dunnowhatimat · 15/11/2025 20:23

Actually somewhat surprised at some of the judgemental posts. I wish I had their self-security and confidence. I get you OP. It probably is irrational, but you're feeling it and that's ok. There has to be a bit of give and take here - maybe to help you settle he texts u during the day and before bed? To you that may not seem like a lot. To him it may. U ask for this, but not for more. Make some plans for these days he's gone so you've less time to be in your head and ruminate.

Lupinlover · 15/11/2025 21:06

IMO you need to take a long hard look at your relationship with him. Sounds to me like you don’t really trust him. That said, I don’t think
I’d want to be with anyone who thought going to a strip club was a laugh/entertainment. It’s just not classy nor mature. Again IMO it’s Immature, chavy, loutish and just plain naff. Would he or the other men want their mothers, sisters or daughters to be ogled at like that….nope, probably not!