Partner going on stag do, help I can’t cope!!

[Tbr]

Please help, my partner of 2 years is going on a stag do, one were it’s going to a Spain to the usual strips, bars possible strip clubs etc
we are 44 I think it’s unacceptable to go on that kind of a stag do, I’m so insecure about what could happen and I’m being told my standards are too high.
I”m not sure if I want to be with a man who thinks this kind of stag do holiday is deemed acceptable.
does anyone at all have the same opinion? Or does everyone think I’m too much?

I’m loving the feedback so to the point and real, this is true he could cheat wherever and I also fear that too, he’s the same with me too we defo have trust issues. I’m scared of him getting so drunk and making a bad decision

Sounds like you should both be single and get therapy. Dating is meant to be fun, easy, life enhancing.

Yes there is trust issues from a failed marriage and for him too he’s been cheated on, I’m actually for the first time ever going to speak to a therapist next week to try work on this

Ah this is interesting! I think it depends entirely on what your issue is here. If you don’t want him going on a stag do because he’ll be getting drunk then yeah, you’re being completely unreasonable.

on the other hand, if my husband went to a strip club id be really disappointed . Not because I don’t trust him but because I just find it seedy and exploitative and I’d worry if our values weren’t aligned.

Quite, @outerspacepotato. The OP doesn’t have to be ok with this grim situation.

There are some very dodgy morals at play on this thread.

I 100% agree with this

Loving the realness thank you, maybe I do need to get a grip. I just don’t agree with men going to strip clubs it’s degrading to women and gives me the ick

Haha no my kids are older 14 and 11, it’s my insecurity and those feelings of anxiety it’s getting so high at the moment it’s hard to cope, in the way it’s effecting all areas of life

Bloody hell, I feel like I’ve woken up in a parallel universe.
Most men I know wouldn’t go to a strip club because they wouldn’t support a trade that exploits trafficked and vulnerable women. Several would find it emotionally unsettling, several spiritually. Quite a few as well as the above reasons wouldn’t want to spend the money 🤣
If DH or DS my brothers or Dad went to one I’d assume some catastrophic MH event or brain injury. OP your standards aren’t too high; “not going to strip clubs” is a baseline standard, alongside not kicking puppies or stealing.

Maybe he does, I’ll pass that onto him thanks ☺️
and this is why I’m seeing a therapist next week at 44 years old first time ever, to work on myself to understand if I’m the problem

Has he actually said they are going to a strip club or are there just strip clubs in the area and you are worried ?

Whether your reaction is reasonable depends on why you object to him going. If it’s because you think he will cheat, then I think that is a bit much. Going away with friends should not worry you if he has never cheated or given you a reason to reasonably believe that he has.

If it is because you think going to strip clubs is grim and shows a casual disregard of the way women are objectified and treated then I think it’s fine to feel disgusted. I’m not a prude or an idealist. I just think that by the age of 25 a man who hasn’t realised that strip clubs are exploitative isn’t engaged enough with what women face and how we are treated, or simply doesn’t care. I couldn’t be with a man like that.

@Tbr You said in your op "Possible strip clubs" is this just your own worry thinking that might be on the cards - or has your husband actually said that's what they are planning.

I do think you're over reacting to something that hasn't even happened yet.

Yes wlll do

Not cheated on me, has cheated in other relationships. And I’ve been cheated on

Is he planing to go to a strip club? Or do you just worry he might?

For what it's worth I don't think you are a problem just someone who feels insecure and that's not a crime or is it these days with the cool brigades where anything goes?

Worry he might, 14 other men going all drinking and think the likelihood of them all persuading each other is high

It’s not “the cool brigades where anything goes” letting your partner have a social life it’s actually potentially controlling otherwise.
unless he has actually said he is going to a strip club where do you stop ? There are strip clubs in nearly every city in Europe I’d imagine

When it gets to the point you both fear each other will cheat, there is no trust at all. The relationship is completely pointless.

So dump him then.

Do his friends regularly frequent strip clubs when they are out?

I am just trying to gauge whether you have any reasonable grounds for being so worried. I wouldn't be in the least bit concerned about my DP going on a stag do to Spain because I am as sure as I can be that he wouldn't cheat on me and although I don't know for sure, I don't think his mates are the types who would be likely to be talking eachother into strip clubs.

Yes it's a good idea you are accessing help for your anxiety but it's not good he's cheated in relationships before. That's not a great sign.

To me stag dos that involve strip bars are a bit sad/depressing so I understand your feelings to some extent. But I think you need to trust your partner unless he has given you other reasons not to.

A slight tangent sorry, there are trafficked people in the UK that are exploited.

Operation Machinize is the name of the ongoing police operation.

Operation Machinize: Hundreds of barbershops targeted in NCA-coordinated crackdown - National Crime Agency

That link is from earlier this year, but it is ongoing.

I am in no way arguing with your post, I am posting this as info only. In case you are not aware.