Partner going on stag do, help I can’t cope!!

[Tbr]

Please help, my partner of 2 years is going on a stag do, one were it’s going to a Spain to the usual strips, bars possible strip clubs etc
we are 44 I think it’s unacceptable to go on that kind of a stag do, I’m so insecure about what could happen and I’m being told my standards are too high.
I”m not sure if I want to be with a man who thinks this kind of stag do holiday is deemed acceptable.
does anyone at all have the same opinion? Or does everyone think I’m too much?

I wonder if they went to a strip club too to round off the day but didn’t tell you .

When is the stag do ? If its in the next few months it will be grab a granny season out there 😁 so I wouldn't be worrying

So you seem to have two issues 1) you think he might cheat (which you're going to work on) and 2) that you don't think it's appropriate to go to a strip club. I really agree on the second one, and I'd completely go off someone who did, particularly once you're in your 40s. I wouldn't need to tell them not to go though, rather they went and I found out so I knew what kind of person they were and could get rid

I don’t think it’s great. I wouldn’t be bothered by the looking at naked women aspect, but the culture of strip clubs etc is pretty grim tbh, it’s all very sleazy and outdated I think especially when it’s a group of 40+ plus men. Cringe... But realistically what you are going to do? He’s going to go regardless of how you feel about it.

If he lied and said be was going for a week of cheese and wine and museums as a stag do would tou still mind? I think you are going ott. I would be miffed if my husband wanted to go to a strip bar stag do but would also not stop him going, if he cheats he cheats. I don't really have an issue with naked women either, I don't really care about that. People have bodies, strippers are attractive, so what, doesnt mean he will run off with one and if he does then it is what it is. I will find happiness elsewhere.

You both need therapy asap.

it is not healthy to be in a relationship like this.

it sounds suffocating and toxic.

Well you’d hope so but honestly you’d never know…on this trip ordinary men with lovely partners were laughing about the degrading things they we’re going to do…a lot of men just don’t regard women with any respect ..and seek approval from other men FAR more. Women are always lesser beings…even if they appear to have partnered with them

This mindset is far more common than many women are aware of. Everyone thinks it wouldn’t be their husband etc but it’s someone’s husband.

I think your response is OTT and, from your retelling about what he said if the boot were on the other foot, so is his.

In that respect, you sound very well matched and can watch each other very carefully for ever more.

@Tbr

Just out of curiosity, if your standards are 'too high' have you asked him exactly what he thinks your standards should be and if you would be held to those standards if it were reversed and you were going to a hen do?

Well it’s not an impossibility but obviously as it was DH’s stag I know all the attendees and I couldn’t imagine it. It’d be like something from a comedy sketch show.

How do we all feel about hen parties doing say.. a life drawing class type activity for a giggle. Someone suggested it as a hen activity for one I'm planning and the entire idea grossed me out a bit amd it was uickly shut down but it seems common. Likewise hiring naked butlers for ladies only events

My partner of 10 years went on a 15 day holiday around Thailand with his son for his son’s stag do. They went to different islands, parties, events etc.

he’s not into strip clubs but he knows the others went to some dodgy places. Makes him feel uncomfortable so he did other stuff with his youngest son and another older friend.

We are in our 50s and 60s. I trust him implicitly. If I didn’t then that would be for me to work on and heal myself.

if you have insecurities to the extent you say you do @Tbr then you really need to work on them for your own sake let alone for your partners.

At 44 I wouldn't be interested in someone who hadn't grown out of visiting strip clubs on drunken stag dos.

I know if a young guy who on a stag do in Amsterdam paid for an entire night with an older (old) sex worker. A woman well into her 70s he said. The apps are full of young guys wanting sex with older women, the older the better in some cases. Never underestimate men and their capacity for variety! I'm an out prude and find all this stuff disturbing and icky and tacky.
Once me and a friend were "treated" to a drag night and male strippers. We lasted about 20 minutes, then left to go clubbing.
I couldn't wait to escape. Not my cup of tea as they say.

From the perspective of strip joints etc, yes I wouldn't be happy about that. Not a trust issue, but I couldn't respect someone who treated women like that. It would immediately put me off him, for good.

From the perspective of trust, you either trust him or you don't. If you don't trust him then you need to understand if that's a 'him' issue (ie he's untrustworthy / you know he's lied / he's cheated on you previously) or it's a 'you' issue (he's not put a foot wrong but you still don't trust him).

If a) get rid, if b) you need to work on this.

Completely agree! I wouldn’t be happy if my husband was visiting strip clubs - then again I know he wouldn’t go!

You're mental and controlling

If the issue is trust, then you can’t trust him wherever he goes and that’s a whole other issue.

Of course they are. 🙄

I would not be with someone who goes to strip clubs. 🤮

Great advice

I would not be married to a man who pays women to take their clothes off and dance for him. Yuk.

Patriarchy has conditioned us accepting men enjoying use and control of women, so strip clubs are acceptable. I also don’t understand why stag dos are so important to the wedding?Why drinking is necessary for starting a married life?

He could cheat or he could just go and have a few drinks and be with the lads

yes I don’t get the strip at 40/50

but went to many strippers as friends got married at 30

dh 1 went to Amsterdam for his stag do. I didn’t think he would cheat. They mainly drank and had some weed and went to a strip show. That was it

never occurred to me he would sleep or kiss someone anymore then I did at my strip show at 30