Partner going on stag do, help I can’t cope!!

[Tbr]

Please help, my partner of 2 years is going on a stag do, one were it’s going to a Spain to the usual strips, bars possible strip clubs etc
we are 44 I think it’s unacceptable to go on that kind of a stag do, I’m so insecure about what could happen and I’m being told my standards are too high.
I”m not sure if I want to be with a man who thinks this kind of stag do holiday is deemed acceptable.
does anyone at all have the same opinion? Or does everyone think I’m too much?

Drinking so they get the courage for the old ball and chain to come.

I love when my partner goes away and I get to chill. It actively annoys me when he texts to check in with me cos I want him to enjoy himself and I’ll hear about it when he’s back. If you trust him then let him go and enjoy himself

What is the percentage of women visiting strip clubs for hen parties versus % of men visiting strip clubs for stag dos?

I'd be more bothered he's about to spend around a thousand quid in a weekend (I'm male, btw.) I wonder whether this could possibly be the issue? A stag do should be trawling round a few pubs and bars, maybe a curry, total cost approx £100-150.

Trafficked? In Spain? Trust me in 2025 there’s countless of women out there that would travel to do that job willingly, no one needs to resort to human trafficking. 🙄I use to work behind the bar in a lap dancing club there years ago, you’ve been watching too many movies.

It always makes me laugh when these threads come up and certain women always pretend they only care about the women’s rights element.

They’re oh so cool and secure, they don’t care about a beautiful naked woman grinding on their husbands. That’s not the issue whatsoever. Oh but the tiniest possibility that a woman who they’ve never met in their life has been pressured to dance there, nope, that’s where they draw the line and end their marriages.

Just admit you don’t want your husband getting a lap dance 😂

I find it really hilarious that you seem to be so sure about the complete freedom and non-coerced status of every woman in your club. Strange how you and the other poster were both behind the bar, rather than wiggling in your knickers. How come?

My DH went to Benidorm on a stag do 18 blokes, 2 nights. 8 of them went to karaoke and pubs, the rest strip clubs. Fundamentally he is an adult and HE has to make the choice what he does. You worrying will NOT influence his decision making at that time, you have to trust he will make the right choice. If he doesn’t, you then have the choice about how your respond. You stay and distrust him for ever more or you leave!!

Your only position here is how you respond, you have no control over anything else.

I am on a hen do next June its my goddaughter’s they are going to a strip show - I am not!! It’s not my thing. I am going out for dinner with her Mum and Aunt. My choice!!!

You both need help!! this toxicity is not okay- you are setting the relationship standards for your kids! Do you want them in a relationship like this? do you want them thinking its normal?

He is a hypocritical twat if he wouldn’t like you doing it, but he goes anyway- that would be it for me!

I don’t know why you find it so hard to believe. A lap dancing club is a bar just like any others, there’s many additional staff other than the dancers. Several Bartenders, promoters, waitresses who work the floor, hostesses, toilet attendants, bouncers, and back room staff.

The reason I was behind the bar is because we all have our boundaries, I wasn’t comfortable grinding naked on men but I was attractive enough and had the body to work there so they put me behind the bar serving drinks. They gave me the choice, believe it or not.

Well I hope the first thing your therapist does is help you understand it's ok to have boundaries and you shouldn't need to silence your internal voice to appease a man. Yes your boundaries may be different to some other women, we all have varying values of morality and what's right and wrong. But they are YOUR values and you are entitled to have them. I wouldn't be happy if my dp went to strip clubs either, not because I'd be worried he'd cheat, but because I think it's completely seedy. I also wouldn't want to see male strippers and I'm sure he wouldn't want me to. It sounds like he may not be the man for you. Let him find another woman whose bar is set lower or who's simply not bothered.

I wouldn't be happy either OP.

I don't think you need to speak to your therapist, it's fine not to like it, and not want your partner to be in that situation.

If trust has gone, then the relationship is done.🤷‍♀️

It's not irrational at all. Going on this kind of trip demonstrates that she has a partner who's happy, at best, to sexually exploit women, and doesn't see them as fully human like himself.

It's got nothing to do with trust, it's to do with values and respect for your partner.

Who remembers that post from a guy, apparently, who got invited with his wife to a birthday party, I think it was a hairdresser’s 50th? There was supposed to be a male stripper at the event. He was clearly uncomfortable with it but the responses he got were basically: “This isn’t your party; stay out of it.” can’t see the same level of responses here haha, what a surprise.

Wow slow down. Who mentioned dancers are trafficked?

In addition to my previous response, it’s equally hilarious how you’re pushing a narrative in an industry you know nothing about.
Countless of women audition to be lap dancers but are turned away, even if they are beautiful. For example if they have no natural rhythm in their hips, or lack social skills. They are dancers after all and it takes skill. They are turned away or offered hostess/promoter roles instead.

Equally there would also be countless auditions for pole dancers (lap dancers and pole dancers are not always incorporated) who are paid set fees and not self employed like the lap dancers.
These women are highly trained, and travel from all over Europe to audition there during the summer open seasons, we’d turned women away as we had no open vacancies or floor space. Also to dance (decently on a professional level) on a pole for 7 hours a night requires a huge amount of upper body and torso strength, you can’t get that level of expertise from a random girl you’ve kidnapped from an undeveloped country.

It’s a competitive industry, and in a world where women are becoming millionaires on OnlyFans and escorting is extremely common, do you really think there’s a shortage of women willing to “wiggle in their knickers” as you put it?

No one’s being trafficked to be strippers in Spain. They don’t need to resort to such crimes, there’s too many willing women out there. You sound naive.

I don't think it's being so cool and secure.

Those women are usually paired with like minded partners who share their views.
They are coming from a place where that isn't a personal concern what so ever. It's not their reality so they don't need to care about it.
But we all know trafficking does happen and that is a concern.

OP if you're familiar with Mumsnet you'll realise that the answers here don't represent what's normally said about this sort of thing.

No I wouldn't be happy about this at all and wouldn't be with the type of man who thought this was acceptable.

Read my other post I’ve just submitted. No one is getting trafficked to dance in Spain 😂 It’s too competitive. At least I have first hand experience of working in them. Do you have relevant experience to support your argument?

I wouldnt be worried but I also wouldnt want to be with someone who thinks this is an ok way to treat other humans so ick for me. Sleazebag is bad enough but too scared to say no to the lads shrivels my sexual organs into raisins and prunes

Yeah, I'd say women with an education and choices are just queueing up to lapdance for stag dos in Spain. I mean, what an appealing prospect. Where do I sign up?

Again, just showing your naivety. A lot of these women are in university, I was a student when I worked the bar. Others do it just because they can and the money is great.
It might not be to your personal taste but don’t condescend them, they are not victims

Oh the old uni quote, wasn't that wheeled out to make the male punters feel better for going... as they are just helping out the poor female students get themselves an education! No idea how males put themselves through uni if this is the only way.

No, it really wasn’t. Give it a rest.

Same again!