Partner going on stag do, help I can’t cope!!

[Tbr]

Please help, my partner of 2 years is going on a stag do, one were it’s going to a Spain to the usual strips, bars possible strip clubs etc
we are 44 I think it’s unacceptable to go on that kind of a stag do, I’m so insecure about what could happen and I’m being told my standards are too high.
I”m not sure if I want to be with a man who thinks this kind of stag do holiday is deemed acceptable.
does anyone at all have the same opinion? Or does everyone think I’m too much?

I have a friend who tried to ban her DH from going to any strip bars and clubs on his stag night. He swore blind he wouldn't, went anyway, paid for dances and swore all his friends to secrecy, so their marriage was started on a lie. Everyone at the wedding knew what he'd got up to apart from her. So it's actually good your DP is being honest and that you've drawn a line about what you feel is acceptable. He may get drawn in to going or he may not, but at least you are not being lied to and you can make a decision about your future when he gets back based on what he does.

Well, he must have fairly dire friends. DH has been to what feels like dozens down the years (we're in our 50s) from elaborate overseas 'Formula1 experience' trips to camping to going to the races to a night o the town to chartering a yacht -- all without anyone proposing a strip club.

Hah, yes, you've painted quite a (horrific and accurate) picture there! It never really made sense to me though, personally. Surely if they're going to wallow in the revolting blend of pathetic delusion and financial power that's involved in paying for women to pretend to not be repelled by them, they should do it while they're single, before they develop feelings for one woman in particular.

It almost seems like an unconscious way for the men to make a statement to the wives, girlfriends, and bride: Look how little I respect you, and how little you respect yourself by putting up with/justifying me doing it. Like a power play. Ugh.

As for OP, this bloke doesn't sound worth the angst and worry he's causing you with this issue.

He sounds like a teenager trying to justify something that’s clearly not ok by saying that all his friends are doing it!

I would bet my house on the fact that a) all his friends’ partners are not ok with it and b) that most of his friends are not that interested in going either.

My DH was once out with a group of guys from work for the evening when one of them suggested visiting a strip club. Apparently there was a bit of murmuring amongst themselves before DH piped up ‘There’s absolutely no way I’m going to a strip club and if you value your relationship with (his DP) you won’t go either.’ After that the rest of them quickly chimed in with not wanting to go or not being bothered either and they got on with the rest of the evening. I would guess that out of 14 guys there would be several at least who either actively don’t want to go or would rather not. The fact that your DP is trying to persuade you that it’s normal and that you’re not cool for going along with it is bad news. I would be more upset that it seems like he’s going to be leading the charge in persuading others to go than that he’s going to be led astray….

Honestly, Hen parties are just as likely to visit male strippers. Infact now days I think Hen parties are more likely to involve a male stripper than stag do's

Unless there is a backstory that we don't know, you are definitely too much.

If you can't cope, don't be in a relationship. It's that simple.

It doesn't matter how old you are as to what type of stag/ break you go on.

It was his cousins stag.
He doesn’t really have friends he goes out with to be honest.

I’ll ask again…why have chosen to be with a man who has cheated on previous partners? Why wouldn’t he then cheat on you?

Are you sure he’d be going to strip clubs or just a nightclub? Can you talk to him rationally about your concerns. I think it’s fine if he goes to bars, but strip clubs would be a no from me.

It doesn't sound like a balanced, equal relationship if he's happy to go on his stag weekend but wouldn't be happy for you to go on the equivalent and would give you the cold shoulder if you did.

I agree on the strip club aspect, I would lose all respect for a man who thought that was an OK way to spend his time and money.

I agree with you OP.

I wouldn't want to be in a relationship who a man who thought these stag does were acceptable behaviour. And whose friendship group also thought they were an acceptable way to behave.

What excessive drinking, going to strip clubs and lap dancing clubs, and the rest, - behaving like single men - has to do with preparing for a wedding ceremony I .
don't know.

Absolutely ridiculous that women have been conditioned to accept this as normal male behaviour. And in a lot of cases try and emulate it with their hen dos.

I have been to around fifteen hen parties between the early 90s and this year. Some were a classic night of drinking and clubbing. One was a cottage with a hot tub in the west of Ireland. Weekend in Paris. Weekend in NY. One involved walking part of a LD path, staying in lovely pubs and with our luggage transported for us. Rented chateau in the south of France. Weekend in Amsterdam. Climbing in Wales. Weekend in Bath, taking out boats on the Avon. No strippers at any.

I suppose realistically, he’ll go, drink too much, as they all will, probably have a lap dance 🤮 and maybe more. They don’t go to places like that for much else.

I agree he’s too old for it all. Load of sad old (and young) men in these clubs. You don’t say if they’re all sad old men, or if eg.the ‘stag’ is much younger with younger friends too.

The question is would you be prepared to accept him doing that, realise you’ll never know what happened on the stag do really, and so move on. I think at this point / age, the right answer is to not go. But he is going so it’s really now up to you to decide how to react to that. You are not the problem btw - and yes obviously other wags don’t like it.

I would have no problem being with a man who went on a stag weekend the same as he wouldn’t expect him to have any concerns about me going on a hen one

However I couldn’t respect a man who thinks strip clubs arr acceptable. It’s not the 80’s anymore

I trust my husband so I'd tell him to have a great time and off he goes.

You clearly don't trust him so why are you together?

I assume you will never go on a girls holiday?

But he wants to go! He’s telling you that it is what he wants to do.

The jealousy will evaporate when you know he will be out the door if he cheats. So I would say nothing, and then dump him if there is any disrespectful behaviour whilst he’s away.

I don't think most of these replies got that the stag weekend involved strip clubs.
I think if it was made clearer (or pp actually read your op properly) you wouldn't be getting these responses.

Of course it's degrading to women and disrespectful to them and you.

Any man who's comfortable being involved in the trafficking of women for sex work is disgusting.

And I'm so shocked by all the patronising replies from all the "cool girls" that I'm sure they didn't read or understand your op properly.

It’s interesting (wrong word?) that you’ve been cheated on previously and gone on to be with a man who has cheated on past partners. Probably something you’ll explore more with a counsellor. Good luck

Sounds like neither of you are ready to be in a relationship tbh- trust and control issues from both sides.

If my DP was going on a stag do to Spain it wouldnt cross my mind that he or any of his mates would be 'tempted' by strip club. It's not an automatic certainty that every stag do ends in a strip club, unless the men on the stag are creeps.

I used to work as a barmaid in a strip club

Fear not ladies I was not trafficked this was my own free will. We used to have a mini bus and go hunting for stag parties and bring them to the club 🤣

Your partner could go to a strip club in your local town. He could chat up a woman in tesco. If its causing you this amount of anxiety you should speak to him. I think it's unreasonable of you to judge people for going abroad on stags and going to striptype places. How people enjoy themselves is really nothing to do with you. If you go in woth that attitude it likely won't end the way you want it to

This.
It's just so sleazy.

And to the people saying the location is irrelevant, of course it's not! And nor is the company he keeps.

If he's choosing to go with a group of guys looking for "a good time" in a resort that specifically attracts stag and hen does ... well, it's just asking for trouble isn't it.

If you both are so insecure and have trust issues, then I have to ask, why are you in a relationship?? These insecurities need addressing, by both of you. Couples counselling and individual counselling is required to try and help. If you keep tying yourself up in knots all the time, you are going to make yourself unwell. Yes, some men do go to strip clubs on stag do's but no one is holding a gun to their head and forcing them through the door - they are making their own choices. Anyone can cheat, at any time - your partner doesn't need to go abroad to cheat - he could do that just as easily at home.

And you're entirely happy to vouch for the non-coerced status of every single woman who worked at that club, are you, @SnappyJadeJoker? And was there a reason you were behind the bar, rather than gyrating in your scanties?

I will absolutely reserve the right to judge anyone who 'enjoys themselves' by going to strip clubs.

A 44 year old going on a stag do is tragic. Going to one that involves strip joints, even more so.

My husband wouldn’t lower himself.