Partner going on stag do, help I can’t cope!!

[Tbr]

Please help, my partner of 2 years is going on a stag do, one were it’s going to a Spain to the usual strips, bars possible strip clubs etc
we are 44 I think it’s unacceptable to go on that kind of a stag do, I’m so insecure about what could happen and I’m being told my standards are too high.
I”m not sure if I want to be with a man who thinks this kind of stag do holiday is deemed acceptable.
does anyone at all have the same opinion? Or does everyone think I’m too much?

My husband is 40 and has been to several stag dos like this over the years. He recently turned one invite down as it was too close to a family holiday and he didn't want to waste money and annual leave somewhere rubbish, but it wasn't a particularly close friend. He can't stand strip clubs so would probably try and avoid anything like that and at his age he's able to either do something else for that part of the night (last time half of them went to a casino instead) or go but just be there uncomfortable until he could leave. I don't think going necessarily says anything about what he will do in terms of cheating, surely you either trust him or don't? I find strip clubs gross, as does he, and I trust that

@Moveoverdarlin it's the objectifying of women, trafficking of women etc that many people object to when it comes to strip clubs

@Tbr I couldn’t be with a man who went to a strip club particularly a man in his 40’s, it’s pathetic. Mumsnet is full of women with low standards. My DH hasn’t been to a strip club since we met (I have never asked about his previous history as it’s none of my business) and doesn’t use porn. When we dated I was clear on my values which included no sex before marriage, take it or leave it. We were married with 5 months of meeting. 26 years very happily married now. My view is men don’t respect women who live with them and have their babies and are accepting of strip clubs and porn. I realise this isn’t going to be a popular statement with most people on this thread but it’s my view.

If you don’t like the vibe of this stag do abroad then you don’t like it. I don’t think you have ‘issues’ I think you have standards and he isn’t meeting them.

I think your standards aren't high enough.
He sounds like a low life that hangs around with other sleazy men.
He has already cheated before.

Once a cheater, always a cheater.
You are setting yourself up for pain with him.

Dump and focus on working on yourself via a therapist.

Do the www.freedomprogramme.co.uk

He doesn't get to tell you your standards are too high.
Huge red flag.

"A 44 year old going on a stag do is tragic"

I'm sorry do you just cease to have friends once you hit 40?

Partner went on one with mates to Spain these lovely seeming men all went straight to the local brothel.virtually as they arrived..my partner is too careful with his cash to join and feels fine not to run with the crowd. Preferred some lovely grub 🤣 So don't be gaslit by any Pollyanas on here. It's a real and legitimate worry ordinary men enable sex work

This was a club in Scotland. All of the dancers were from the uk. The vast majority of them students. It was run by a woman. No one was being exploited. This may not be the case in other countries or even in other clubs. This was also almost 20 years ago. Even then it was the most lucrative way for them to get through university. There are many woman who choose this as their job and enjoy it. And make a good living from it.

I'm a terrible dancer.

Agree. And people don’t stop getting married and celebrating once they hit a certain age.

Not all hen/stag do’s are booze fuelled sleaze fests .

“Yikes op; that’s not good, it’s really quite normal to go on these stag do’s and he can’t say to his friends i can’t come as my girlfriend is all insecure.”

Yes he bloody can and I would. Not a snowballs chance in hell I’d cross the threshold of a strip club.

If my friends didn’t like it, we’ll bollocks to them.

Too careful with his cash AND he didn’t want to cheat on you I assume/hope?

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable at all.

For me it’s not even about “looking at naked women”, it’s the ritual of stag-do strip-club culture. It’s a performance of boundary-pushing: the married/committed men proving they are still part of the lads by treating other women’s bodies as entertainment.

And it creates a zero-sum dynamic in relationships. Your partner is forced to choose between the values of his romantic relationship or his platonic ones, entirely unnecessarily.

For you, either you’re the “cool” girl who swallows your discomfort as a sacrifice that allows your partner to move more easily in their social group, or you’re the “controlling” one who limits your own partner's autonomy in how they interact with friends. There’s no room for a normal human reaction from either you or your partner to say: “This doesn’t fit my values.”

Plenty of men in solid relationships simply opt out of these nights because they know exactly what they’re signalling by going. At 44, it’s not “just what men do”, it’s a choice.

Your boundaries are valid. The question is whether his match yours, not whether you’re “too much.”

This

Therapy is great. But you don't need therapy to learn to accept the way some men exploit women. You don't need to accept the subjugation of your own class of human, if you don't want to.

He sounds like a prick, sorry. He has no empathy or curiosity about your feelings. You can do better. If visiting strip clubs is unacceptable to you, tell him and let him choose his priorities now. You don't need to accept a "when in Rome" attitude to misogyny. It is perfectly possible for a man to say "no thanks, not for me, I'll see you back at the hotel" at the point late at night where others go on to a strip club.

Ignore the misogynist posts here. MN is full of them at the moment. They don't like women chatting without a chaperone.

Stag do - no issues, normal clubs pubs etc

Stag do - with strip clubs, we would be over

Jeez

Just tell him no! Don’t explain yourself and make him sleep on the sofa now until the time of the stag do. Don’t do his laundry or dishes, check out. Maybe that will make him reconsider your value

Do you trust him or not? A man that can't be trusted is as likely to cheat at work or at the gym as he is on a stag do. I still laugh about DHs outraged call to me to tell me that 2 colleagues were going to a lapdancing club after a work night out and had asked if he wanted to go. He was more pearl clutchy than I ever would have been. Loved him for it though.

Tell him no and make him sleep on the couch and do chores? For going on holiday with his friends.

Please tell me your not in a relationship. This sounds incredibly unhealthy

I completely agree with you. I expected the normal reaction of exploiting women but this has been surprising and I dont think it's entirely representative.
I certainly would find strip clubs and lap dancing a deal breaker.

Some blokes will go to strip clubs and/or cheat on a stag do. Many won’t.

Your partner’s attitude to it and having form for cheating doesn’t bode well I admit. If you’ve got issues from having being cheated on in the past, why on earth are you with a confessed cheat now? It’s just asking for angst and drama. Do you want to live like this every time this kind of trip or night out comes up? I couldn’t do it.

Those who say my man would never do this that or the other only need to read on here day in day out that men who would never turn out to actually be the men that do.

Tragic, really? 44 was about the average age on DH’s stag do. They went to Bristol, saw Gary Numan in concert and cycled to Bath for lunch. Everyone had a nice time I believe.

haven't RTFT but this. Its not the being unfaithful that would bother me, its more about the general morality.

Having the ick means that you don’t want to be near him or continue a relationship, but you clearly do want those things.

Either way, why would you be disgusted by the possibility that he might go to a strip club, and not be disgusted by the fact that he has cheated on multiple previous partners? Maybe that something you should think about in therapy

I don't think the OP is being unreasonable. I wouldn't go on a female hen weekend with male strippers.

You can go out for a night or for a weekend with the lads and have a good time without having to ogle women. It's not that the OP's partner might have sex, it's the ogling and tacky behaviour. It's yucky and unnecessary.

Agree that some of the women might have been trafficked and none of them would be doing it if they had real choices.

My DH's stag do was similar. But he (and obviously your DH) has class.