Partner going on stag do, help I can’t cope!!

[Tbr]

Please help, my partner of 2 years is going on a stag do, one were it’s going to a Spain to the usual strips, bars possible strip clubs etc
we are 44 I think it’s unacceptable to go on that kind of a stag do, I’m so insecure about what could happen and I’m being told my standards are too high.
I”m not sure if I want to be with a man who thinks this kind of stag do holiday is deemed acceptable.
does anyone at all have the same opinion? Or does everyone think I’m too much?

MN couldn't be less 'cool brigade' 😂

Is this a joke? Clearly you don't trust him. My husband went on his friend's stag do to Magaluf but I didn't for a second think that he would cheat on me. This is not rational.

If he’s cheated in previous relationships and you’ve also been cheated on, your reaction is perfectly understandable and it’s good that you’re going to deal with that in therapy.

If I was in a happy, settled relationship, I’d have no issues with him going on a stag do and probably having one too many. I’d absolutely draw the line at strip clubs though - it’s a seedy, exploitative business and it’d be a deal breaker for me.

I’m sorry you’ve been through so much!

I've been on over 15 stag do's, often to the sort of places your husband is going to now.

Not a single one of them has ended up in a strip club. Once or twice a few people have split off from the main group and gone to one, but generally most men aren't bothered.

Lots of reasons why, whether its because they've promised their wives they won't, or because they don't approve of the sex trade, or just because they're happily getting pissed and don't want to spend an extra £5 a pint just to see some boobs.

Or in the case of one delightful Father of the Bride, "Why would I go to a strip club when I could spend the same amount on a hooker and get my dick wet"

Either you trust your partner or not @Tbr . If not, why are you with him?

Agree but my husband would decline anyway.

Not really .. much easier in a place like that

@Tbr if you’re worried so much means he’s done it before hasn’t he ?

Is he the type to cheat?

Yes him, and he says that no other of the men’s partners would react how I am reacting, and it does give me the ick that he has friends who think this is ok to do. I have told him to go because he wants to go but it also makes me feel sick inside because I feel like I’m accepting something I’m not ok with, why can’t men choose to do activities or something fun, I would, but all they can think of is going from bar to bar and “having a laugh “ as he puts it

I agree that it is not acceptable for men to go to strip clubs. Even aside from it being cheating in some people’s view, it’s a core value for me because of the misogyny and likelihood of people trafficking being involved. I therefore would not be in a relationship with a man who would want to go to strip clubs. I therefore do not worry when my DH goes on stag dos because I know it is extremely unlikely that he would end up in a strip club. It sounds like the issue is that you are in a relationship with someone who does not share one of your core values.

It’s brilliant that you are doing therapy, I hope it is really helpful for you.

14 men all going drinking - it's unlikely that all 13 of them apart from your DP would be all about going to a strip club and he'd be the only one against it and be rail-roaded into it. Even if half of them thought it was a good idea (although why they would is another question - it's grim), I would imagine half would probably just say 'no thanks, we'll go to another pub and meet you later/see you tomorrow'. I know my DH wouldn't be into going to these sort of clubs so he'd either go back to the hotel or go to another pub and meet them later/the next day. At 44, he should have enough about him to say No if he doesn't want to do something.

What does you DP think if strip clubs? You've not mentioned that. have you discussed it with him?

As PP have said, if he wants to cheat, he'll cheat. He doesn't need to go to Spain to do it in front of his friends.

Phrasing it like that , I’m 100% with you

its vile thing to do this age especially …

What age are the other men ? In my experience, being a man, organizing groups of men, especially if the is a variety of ages, is more akin to herding cats then having a flock of sheep.

Why have you chosen a cheater?

Yeah, same. I'd not be worried about the potential for cheating, I'd be repulsed that he thought it OK to exploit women.

As nice as possible. Get a grip. He’s a grown man he can go wherever he likes.

Yup it's disgusting behaviour. Having women who are very likely being exploited and trafficked into prostitution giving him their body for a ten pound note is utterly vile.

He's right. Your standards are too high for him.......

........or are they?

I think his standards are too low rather than yours being too high

Feel like I've gone back in time reading some of these responses 🙈

Ofcourse your partner can do whatever they want to but you absolutely can say how YOU feel. you can decide anything is the line in the sand for you. Regardless if others see no issue.

Ultimately if a visit to a strip club is more important than your a partners feelings then I'd say good riddance.

My husband has declined invitations to stags like this. I too would decline a invitation to magic Mike and the like. I wouldn't be in a relationship with someone who thinks this is entertainment.

It's not about being "insecure" "too much" or "controlling" it's about not seeing people as purely sexual objects to lust over or pay to access for entertainment.

I absolutely do not think your standards are TOO high op

Mine used to go on sailing holidays. They visited a club in Ibiza one night. He sent me pictures of the slides between each floor, dance floors, strippers. They were sailors away. In later years he did legs of the round the world race, went to some amazing places. I always trusted him.

My sons have done some mad stag weekends abroad. They're open about it too.

@Tbr I'm glad you're doing therapy.

But obviously it's way more likely in this environment and that's why many stags choose these destinations.

um he hasn’t said he is going to a strip club he’s just going to be in an area where there are strip clubs?

I agree on both counts. Anyone who would consider a stripjoint an acceptable place to go, regardless of the occasion, is someone who is fine with regarding women as dehumanised sex objects, and would not be appearing on my Chritsmas card list, far less in my bedroom.

Lol you're being completely reasonable and I'm pretty sure many of the commenters here telling you "there should be trust" would never accept that in their own relationships!

@justasking111 are you okay if they go to strip clubs?

Accept what ? Going to a stag in a place where there are strip clubs? There are strip clubs everywhere fgs . If he said he is going to one it is different.