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Original poster

Partner going on stag do, help I can’t cope!!

277 replies

Tbr · 14/11/2025 12:49

Please help, my partner of 2 years is going on a stag do, one were it’s going to a Spain to the usual strips, bars possible strip clubs etc
we are 44 I think it’s unacceptable to go on that kind of a stag do, I’m so insecure about what could happen and I’m being told my standards are too high.
I”m not sure if I want to be with a man who thinks this kind of stag do holiday is deemed acceptable.
does anyone at all have the same opinion? Or does everyone think I’m too much?

OP posts:
Lara1978o · 14/11/2025 13:52

Would he feel this upset if you wanted to go on a hen party abroad? I think your upset is only justified if you know he would be equally unhappy and you’re just expected to suck it up.

If he would tell you to have a good time and send you on your way and there’s no precursor like existing cheating for these feelings then therapy is definitely a good starting point.

I for one wouldn’t be letting my DH go and he’d laugh in my face if I suggested the equivalent for me. That’s just how our relationship is.

Zempy · 14/11/2025 13:52

Being so anxious about him going on stag do is probably over the top.

However, you say there is high probability he will go to strip clubs. I wouldn’t stay in a relationship with a man who did that. If he thought my standards were too high then so be it.

You need to have a good think about the difference between having boundaries (I don’t accept a relationship where my partner is leering over real life naked women) and control ( I will tell my partner he can’t go on a stag do)

Asctreow · 14/11/2025 13:55

It's deeply disturbing and I would never have a relationship with a man who thought that it was acceptable to visit strippers, lapdances, or partake in any other kind of misogyny.

Obviously many women are happy with it, but it doesn't mean you have to be. It's perfectly valid to be upset by it.

MolkosTeenageAngst · 14/11/2025 13:56

It sounds like he is not the man for you, aside from the obvious trust issues it also sounds like you have different values, morals and ethics. It’s totally okay for you to feel disgusted by a man visiting a strip club, equally it’s okay for him to think strip found are fine and choose to go to one. Even if have an ultimatum and he agreed not to go it wouldn’t change the fact that his views on strip clubs are miles apart from yours. The issue is that if you have such different views you’re obviously not really compatible. You can’t change who he is, if this is important or a deal breaker to you then you need to end things and look for a man who holds the same values and boundaries as you have.

LiveTellyPhrase · 14/11/2025 13:56

I think you are entirely unreasonable and glad you are seeing a therapist.

He hasn’t said he’s going to strip clubs, despite what some posters have suggested. All he’s said is that he’s going drinking as part of a stag do with his mates.

And you think he should find another activity to do? I agree with him that I’d imagine none of the other partners have kicked off about it either.

If he has a history of cheating with previous partners and you worry he’ll cheat then I hate to tell you that he could cheat in the UK-meet someone at work, at the gym, at a hobby…

You either trust him or you don’t. If his history of cheating is a problem then you really need to end the relationship

Climbingrosexx · 14/11/2025 13:57

It's not something that would go down well with me either.

You are entitled to feel the way you do and what is ok for one relationship does not have to be right for another. Unfortunately it doesn't look like you and your dh are on the same page on this one so I don't know what to advise. Only thing I can say is as long as you are not controlling in other areas of your relationship you are entitled to your feelings, and don't let anyone tell you your standards are too high.

Asctreow · 14/11/2025 13:57

Zempy · 14/11/2025 13:52

Being so anxious about him going on stag do is probably over the top.

However, you say there is high probability he will go to strip clubs. I wouldn’t stay in a relationship with a man who did that. If he thought my standards were too high then so be it.

You need to have a good think about the difference between having boundaries (I don’t accept a relationship where my partner is leering over real life naked women) and control ( I will tell my partner he can’t go on a stag do)

This, I agree, except it's completely natural to feel so anxious, as setting boundaries in accordance with moral values can mean changing ir ending a relationship, which can be difficult and painful.

LiveTellyPhrase · 14/11/2025 13:57

Asctreow · 14/11/2025 13:55

It's deeply disturbing and I would never have a relationship with a man who thought that it was acceptable to visit strippers, lapdances, or partake in any other kind of misogyny.

Obviously many women are happy with it, but it doesn't mean you have to be. It's perfectly valid to be upset by it.

But he hasn’t said that. He categorically hasn’t said he’s going to strip clubs. OP says there are strip clubs within the area of the stag do and despite the plan being to go to bars, she doesn’t think he should go as doesn’t trust him

OtterlyAstounding · 14/11/2025 13:59

TheAutumnalCrow · 14/11/2025 13:00

If my DP went on a stag trip that involved women who were possibly trafficked, I’d tell him not to bother coming back. And I’d mean it.

What kind of scum ‘enjoys’ exploiting women? It’s not cool and it’s not ok. It’s creepy as fuck.

This. It's so bloody grotty that women are okay with their 'D'Hs and partners doing this on stag dos. It's not at all the standard amongst the people I know (not in the UK for reference) and all the threads on Mumsnet about men waltzing off to strip clubs because their mates are getting married are bizarre and depressing.

I've no clue why married/partnered men think their mate apparently being in love and wanting to commit to one woman forever (except at their stag do, and then at their mates' stag dos in the future) means they should get to go and objectify and sexually engage with potentially trafficked women. And I have no idea why women think they should even entertain the thought of putting up with it. It's all so gross.

MightyGoldBear · 14/11/2025 14:00

TheIceBear · 14/11/2025 13:47

um he hasn’t said he is going to a strip club he’s just going to be in an area where there are strip clubs?

Show quote history

Well he or his friends seems to of given op enough reason to suspect they would go to one. Sounds like they need to sit down and chat what's actually on the itinerary and his thoughts on strip clubs.

GreyPearlSatin · 14/11/2025 14:01

Tbr · 14/11/2025 13:16

Not cheated on me, has cheated in other relationships. And I’ve been cheated on

Show quote history

Yeah, this relationship doesn't sound viable. You clearly can't trust him and with good reason. He has been a cheater (even if not with you) and is now putting himself into a position where he could easily cheat again.

If anything, I think your standards are too low.

justasking111 · 14/11/2025 14:02

sittingonabeach · 14/11/2025 13:49

@justasking111 are you okay if they go to strip clubs?

Well it was more pole dancing so scantily clad, no touching and we're talking about the eighties. I remember when the male strippers took off. Apparently women loved a night out like that. Never interested me enough to go though friends did.

I guess you're all too young to remember the Chippendale's

Wynter25 · 14/11/2025 14:03

Yanbu

NaBeitheanna · 14/11/2025 14:05

OtterlyAstounding · 14/11/2025 13:59

This. It's so bloody grotty that women are okay with their 'D'Hs and partners doing this on stag dos. It's not at all the standard amongst the people I know (not in the UK for reference) and all the threads on Mumsnet about men waltzing off to strip clubs because their mates are getting married are bizarre and depressing.

I've no clue why married/partnered men think their mate apparently being in love and wanting to commit to one woman forever (except at their stag do, and then at their mates' stag dos in the future) means they should get to go and objectify and sexually engage with potentially trafficked women. And I have no idea why women think they should even entertain the thought of putting up with it. It's all so gross.

Show quote history

Well, the 'logic' is 'You've been caught by the ball and chain, mate, so one last chance to LEGITIMATELY go and ogle some potentially trafficked naked woman and have her writhe on your lap in a gstring, because from now on your balls aren't your own'. Obviously, it's a repellent, misogynistic logic, reeking of a particularly male form of self pity. The free young blade, tragically trapped into domesticity etc etc.

I don't know anyone who thinks this is OK.

Jenkibuble · 14/11/2025 14:06

Tbr · 14/11/2025 12:49

Please help, my partner of 2 years is going on a stag do, one were it’s going to a Spain to the usual strips, bars possible strip clubs etc
we are 44 I think it’s unacceptable to go on that kind of a stag do, I’m so insecure about what could happen and I’m being told my standards are too high.
I”m not sure if I want to be with a man who thinks this kind of stag do holiday is deemed acceptable.
does anyone at all have the same opinion? Or does everyone think I’m too much?

Hmmmmm

He doesnt sound like a catch.

But, you wont stop him going.

Maybe ditch him

Delphiniumandlupins · 14/11/2025 14:11

I agree that seeing strip clubs as fun is distasteful and a 44 year old should be able to say to his mates that he's not going to join in with that. I don't think him going on a stag do is wrong though.

Original poster
Tbr · 14/11/2025 14:13

Lara1978o · 14/11/2025 13:52

Would he feel this upset if you wanted to go on a hen party abroad? I think your upset is only justified if you know he would be equally unhappy and you’re just expected to suck it up.

If he would tell you to have a good time and send you on your way and there’s no precursor like existing cheating for these feelings then therapy is definitely a good starting point.

I for one wouldn’t be letting my DH go and he’d laugh in my face if I suggested the equivalent for me. That’s just how our relationship is.

No he wouldn’t be happy at all, we have spoken quite a bit on how he would feel about it and he said he would hate it, have a knot in his stomach and probably be off with me when he got back.
But he knows I wouldn’t go on a hen do like that, I’d find it boring and certainly wouldn’t go watch nearly naked men that’s weird

OP posts:
noidea69 · 14/11/2025 14:14

Has he actually said he's going to strip clubs, or just to a place where there are strip clubs amongst all the bars/night clubs etc.

I think you are within your rights to say "i dont want you going in to strip clubs" but to ban him from going to location that also has strips is a bit much. You'd have to ban him from every UK city centre too.

Richtea67 · 14/11/2025 14:17

I'm surprised by these responses OP. I would finds this very grubby and really question my partners morals if they wanted to go on this sort of trip. You are not being unreasonable to be unhappy about it imo.

brunettemic · 14/11/2025 14:17

You both sound like you have major issues. If someone is gong to cheat they could do it at lunchtime with a colleague. As for strip clubs, they can be a bit grim but the last few stags DH has been on they’ve not been.

Arrivederla · 14/11/2025 14:19

TheAutumnalCrow · 14/11/2025 13:00

If my DP went on a stag trip that involved women who were possibly trafficked, I’d tell him not to bother coming back. And I’d mean it.

What kind of scum ‘enjoys’ exploiting women? It’s not cool and it’s not ok. It’s creepy as fuck.

This

Somnambule · 14/11/2025 14:21

I can't honestly believe these responses! There is absolutely no way on earth my husband would entertain the possibility of going to strip clubs - because, bluntly, he isn't a scumbag and neither are his friends. It absolutely isn't normal or inevitable among decent men; the issue is how many of you have such low standards that you think you have to put up with this shit.

OP if you genuinely think he's going to be going to strip clubs, and he can't look you in the eye and tell you that definitely won't be happening, then you're fully justified in not letting him back.

24kPalamino · 14/11/2025 14:21

Not all men do this. My husband hasn’t said yes to a stag do since we were in our 20’s and that one he got to at 8pm and left at 9pm when they all decided to go to a strip club. He isn’t interested in that type of behaviour at all.
I am very grateful for this too.

However, if he insisted on going one day in the future, that would be fine. But I’d be going on my own weekends away too. Fairs fair.

NaBeitheanna · 14/11/2025 14:22

brunettemic · 14/11/2025 14:17

You both sound like you have major issues. If someone is gong to cheat they could do it at lunchtime with a colleague. As for strip clubs, they can be a bit grim but the last few stags DH has been on they’ve not been.

Strip clubs are way more than 'a bit grim', but you make an important point. No one is actually forced at gunpoint in the door of one on a stag party. Unless you are a teenager too insecure to say 'Not my vibe, see you back at the hotel' -- peer pressure really shouldn't be a thing for a man in his 40s.

Moveoverdarlin · 14/11/2025 14:23

You see this wouldn’t worry me at all. I am the same age and I trust my DH. But I also understand that these types of stag dos are par for the course. If you saw a bunch of hens drinking with Willy straws and chipping in to get a butler in the buff would you assume all the husbands are at home frightened to death their wives will cheat? Course they’re not.

It’s all a bit naff and tacky, but I think it’s harmless. But that’s because I have a strong marriage and loads of confidence and I think my husband could see a pair of tits and not fuck up his entire life for the sake of a quick shag / wank / BJ - or whatever it is you’re worried about.