Would you leave DH because of his growing feelings for OW?

[Northoftheriver1]

Title should read an other woman

Been together for a long time, have 3 dc who are in their late teens. We have been really happy for most of it. However in the past year DH has become very good friends with a woman he works with. They have lots in common and the same sense of humour. They spend their coffee breaks together, eat lunch together. I’m glad he has mates at work but it spills over into his/our time now and is starting to feel more than just a mate as they often keep in touch when they aren’t at work too.
He knows this worries and really upsets me but says it shouldn’t do and disregards my concerns.
I think for him their friendship is becoming more important and interesting than our marriage and family life and I feel so sad that I’m just disappearing into the background. Don’t know what to do.

Well I wouldn’t like it. My husband has female friends and I have male friends but a conversation like that is crossing the line. Sometimes an emotional affair is just as bad as a physical one.

Have you been told OW’s; age, marital status, children’s names & ages, partners name?
Does she know your & your children’s names…. or that you even exist?
Hows DH when asked about her?
How would he be if you were playing similar ‘games’?

100% agree with this approach.

No one owns the person they’re in a relationship with. Nor should they feel they can dictate or stipulate what they do or how they behave. Nor should they play the ‘pick me’ game.

What you should do is speak openly about how you feel, set your own boundaries (which naturally differ from person to person) and make clear what you’d do if those boundaries are crossed. And show you mean it.

As long as you make it clear, it’s up to them. They may argue your boundaries are too harsh (i.e. no friends of opposite sex). But, if you can’t find a mutually acceptable compromise, the relationship has to end as values and boundaries don’t align.

Also think it’s important to keep the relationship alive, with both partners making the sort of effort for each other they would for a new partner. It’s easy for people to get complacent and let things slide when in a long-term relationship. Or become overly-dependent on a partner when it’s healthy to have separate friends and interests.

@Northoftheriver1 OP - full disclosure I haven’t read all the posts just yours. This to me sounds like an emotional affair or sliding into one, I have been there it’s incredibly painful and because there is no physical aspect it can take a while to clock on and also for him to admit it to himself and therefore to you. My advice - do not meet her - nothing good can come of it and in my opinion can help legitimise what they are doing with the well my wife knows her so it’s all hunky dory.

Yes, I like this advice as well.

I'm sure it would be, and who could blame you for feeling negatively about that, but at the same time, your work situation is not their female's partner's fault, is it? Why should they have to tolerate same-sex friendships, just because it works for you?

I'm not an absolutist in my view on this, but I just wanted to present a counter view on this as it's not unusual for women to get posts like this from other women along the lines of 'Well I need male friends because of xyz (like I work in a male dominated environment).....well ok, but that doesn't mean that other women have to be ok with that. It's not their fault that you work in such a male dominated environment and that you don't have as much chance to socialise with women.

I have lots of male friends and I'd be wary of dating a man who didn't, and just as I'd expect to be able to talk to/spend time with my friends as well as my family, I'd be fine with him doing this.
But if it feels like he's neglecting you and your kids, that's different. So in your situation, I'd not leave, but I'd be specific about how much time I was happy/unhappy about. Same as time for personal hobbies/the gym/seeing own friends and family-I'm pro those things, but it has to be fair and not leave me feeling I'm doing everything.
If he's willing to discuss and compromise regarding limits, fine. If not, if he was spending all his time talking with someone else, then I'd be telling him it's time to sort it or talk about whether the marriage matters.

Oh shit OP, that's not good,

I've seen this before. A bloke I worked with had this with a female colleague. They worked alone together a lot. It was obvious they were attracted to each other.

He was married, she was in a long term relationship. After she left the job, he switched attention to another woman in the same way. She was not as receptive, reported him and he nearly lost his job over it.

Another, wise, male colleague simply said, ''It's only reported to HR as ''inappropriate behaviour'' if they don't fancy you......''

So are people suggesting that in a workplace the men can socialise together and the women can socialise together but no mixing is allowed because it may upset a partner? Blimey. I’m glad I work in a department where everyone has good professional boundaries!

Bloody hell 🤣

I’m so glad I live in 2025 and not the 1800s.

Well not quite. A lot of women, I'd say most women, leave some grace for mishaps and unrequited feelings. It's a bit awkward or embarrassing, but not HR matter.

It becomes a HR matter when the attention is persistent after the point it's been made clear that nothing's going to happen in that direction.

I’ve had exactly the same experience.

As I said on a post below unfortunately some women are looking at this strictly from a woman’s angle -and I think women are far more likely to make random friends and for it all to be genuinely totally innocent and there to be no interest in anything but friends - I have rarely known men make the effort to be calling and messaging people out of hours and constantly messaging unless there was an attraction or career gain /networking or it was a very old friend - I’ve experienced this two or 3 times with men whilst married and now am 63 - I genuinely thought it was a really good friendship as it was regular contact and I am a friendly person but at various points , not for awhile, all at some point clearly were ‘interested’ - obviously if it’s a gay guy etc then it’s not the same - that’s why gay guys can be such fantastic friends to have

If DH is nuturing a friendship at the expense of your marriage then that's wrong and needs addressing.

That would apply equally to a friendship of the opposite sex like OP example, or spending increasing time with your male friend on a hobby.

If the result is a decrease in time together and quality of time as a couple then that's unfair.

I don't think it sounds like DH is having an affair but it does sound like he's not spending enough time with OP or he's not present enough during that time. As a result OP feels undervalued and less important which is unfair. She deserves DH best efforts in maintaining a loving and caring relationship.

i would be very unhappy about this but then my H would expect me to be - he knows me well!
I really don’t know how you would stop this at work but it’s reasonable to say anything outside work hours stops - so you need a calm but thorough discussion about why you find it so upsetting.
Bet she doesn’t look like Mrs Doubtfire either and she won’t have to ask him to take the bins out or the other mundane stuff of marriage life.
Start doing some fun things with H.

No one is saying you can’t be friends with the opposite sex at work. There’s very few workplaces which are truely single sexed (nunnery?) so you’re always going to mix with of the opposite sex.

However, it’s when that friendship crosses the boundary, and your dp prioritises that person instead of his wife and family. When they communicate at all hours of the day. When they tell each other things before their own partner. When they think of the other person before their partner. When buying them a thoughtful present, but the wife gets a garage flowers. Etc

When we interred my husband's ashes I introduced a group of women as his other women! They were women he had worked with for many years and were friends as well as colleagues, in Primary schools the balance used to be heavily towards women.

He is basically dating her on the side of your marriage OP

You and I just live in different 2025s, or better say, in different moral strata. I live in 2025 with a sizeable religious population, be it Christian, Muslim, Jewish, Sikh, Hindu, etc. who still know the definition of the word 'appropriate', 'decent', 'implied'.

Don’t doubt yourself - hope it’s not too late to stop it now. This is definitely cross the boundaries and indeed an emotional affair.

Why should they have to tolerate same-sex friendships? Maybe because you don’t get to dictate who your partner does or does not converse with based on their sex.

iIf a woman came on here and said their partner would not tolerate them being friendly with a male colleague people would be rightly up in arms.

Of course there are boundaries (and, unless there’s a particular back-story here that OP hasn’t shared) it sounds like OP’s DH is crossing them.

But “sorry you are in a male dominated workplace, guess you need to take your lunch breaks alone” - nope, really?

The contact outside of work suggests there are way more feelings invested here than just a friendship. Always trust your gut, it cannot lie like your brain can. Marriage is probably heading for divorce tbh, whether that be soon or in a couple of years. He's more invested in her than you. That cannot end well.

Not appropriate - it’s like listening to needy primary school children wanting to prove they are each other’s “best friend”, or an adult couple whose relationship is completely unprofessional in the workplace and overly close outside it if they are already married to other people. Imvho.

You can't police friendships of your DH. There are no signs here that something untoward may be happening. YABU.

That's evidently not the case.

There are clear signs that an emotional affair is taking place.
The OP is right to be alarmed.