Would you leave DH because of his growing feelings for OW?

[Northoftheriver1]

Title should read an other woman

Been together for a long time, have 3 dc who are in their late teens. We have been really happy for most of it. However in the past year DH has become very good friends with a woman he works with. They have lots in common and the same sense of humour. They spend their coffee breaks together, eat lunch together. I’m glad he has mates at work but it spills over into his/our time now and is starting to feel more than just a mate as they often keep in touch when they aren’t at work too.
He knows this worries and really upsets me but says it shouldn’t do and disregards my concerns.
I think for him their friendship is becoming more important and interesting than our marriage and family life and I feel so sad that I’m just disappearing into the background. Don’t know what to do.

Actually, I do have to respond to this.

Everyone always says, "it's never Brian from accounts, is it?" Or, "It's never an older woman is it?"

My male work friend is 16 years younger than me. I'm 51. So, yes, sometimes it is! 😁

We also say we've missed each other if one of us has been off. Because we do. It doesn't have to mean anything.

But the boundaries have to be there and, more importantly, the friendship isn't hidden from my partner or his wife.

I’d also say OP don’t arrange a coffee or meal like others have suggested. It won’t help anything whether it happens or not. If DH doesn’t listen to you about boundaries and how uncomfortable this “friendship” makes you feel, there’s probably nothing you can do. I’d get prepared behind the scenes.

Watch out for the script. Particularly if he starts saying he’s depressed, stressed with work, not happy with life etc. it’s all part of the script.

Many men aren’t aware of the Emotional Affair concept (I wasn’t until mn) so he sees it as a platonic relationship as nothing physical has happened. However, having every break together, lunches and chatting a lot out of work definantly sounds like one or both has a (teenage) crush and it’s definantly heading towards emotional affair territory. If their shifts naturally fall the same, fair enough, but if they seek each other out, not so good, and people will be noticing at work.

is he hiding his calls? Is she calling/messaging regularly? Is your dh prioritising her messsges over your time?

I’d be nervous as well.

I'm sorry you're going through this.

Part of the reason why affairs are so damaging is not just the fact that one partner has left for another person - it's the months, sometimes years of lying and gaslighting that goes with it.

These fuckers will lie for along time because before they leap, they want to ensure that they have a solid, soft landing, and this at your expense.

He doesn't have to be friends like this with this woman OP. That's his choice, and by disregarding your feelings in the way he's doing, it's clear he's going to prioritise that in front of your feelings and emotional security.

@LilySad91 Well probably not! It's bloody naive and gaslighting to encourage women to think of female friendships their husband is developing exactly the same way as they'd regard a male friendship, because opposite sex friendships are not the same. A lot men don't regard female friendships in the same way they regard male friendships, even if outwardly they would insist that they do (in certain company, so to avoid being challenged or arousing suspicion).

@JadeSquid The situation that the OP is going through now is often how affairs start - it happens right under the nose of their poor partner who must put up with being called jealous or crazy, until one day, they finally realise they were right all along and their partner was making a fucking fool of them the entire time.

So often, the woman in question isn't average looking Sharon from accounts, or menopausal Belinda that's a few years from retirement. It's not-so-coincidently someone attractive, and often younger. A lot of women who end up on here with these problems just know that something's off, and they have to witness, in slow-motion detail, how their husband is slipping away from them. It's a difficult grey area for them to manage, and just because things are hunky-dory in your relationship, doesn't mean the same applies to them.

Good point. Could be seen as harassment?

@GreyCarpet I know what you mean. It can be a grey area.

What a ridiculous, bleak outlook.

I'm not married but the scenario you describe, where people are effectively prohibited from having friendships with people of the opposite sex, would be a reason never to get into a relationship with anyone again. Nobody would want to be in such a restrictive partnership.

I had a work bestie who was a bloke almost twenty years older than me, for over ten years we always ate lunch together and chatted every day throughout the day, it was never flirtatious, we’d only message outside work about a work related issue, that’s how to have a platonic work relationship with respect for our spouses.

I completely disagree - I’ve had the same best friend since my teens and have no intention of ending the friendship just because I’m in a relationship, just like I don’t think he would just because he’s now married.

However I do think the friendship changes and needs to include partners. All our conversations are completely appropriate and there’s nothing I’d have a problem with my partner seeing or listening to.

@Northoftheriver1 your DH is playing a dangerous game. People spend a lot of hours together at work and it’s easy to get swept up if it’s someone you particularly hit it off with.

I’m in a tiny department where 10% are women. If I studiously ignored my male colleagues and only talked work with them it would be a miserable existence!!

How sad that members of the opposite sex can only be viewed as potential sexual partners

sadly it is people who see their workplace as a dating app that make it even harder for people in the workplace

Oh stop this silliness

My husband has female friends, no issues there. Even goes out for lunch or dinner occasionally.

The difference is I am never in any doubt that he prioritises me as his emotional connection and main woman in his life, he wouldn't be chatting about shit with them on the weekends or evenings, he might respond once if they messaged. If they started flirting/being excessively admiring, he'd panic, tell me and we'd discuss how to put them off (this has happened).

I have male friends but they don't take up time and energy away from my husband any more than my female friends and they have their own families to be getting on with.

This situation sounds suspicious to me as he's not frank, his attention is elsewhere and he's getting into emotional tangles and flattery with someone out of work hours. Obviously off, I'd just state this though blatantly, and then say I don't care how you perceive it, that's how I perceive it so that's a bad sign if you want the marriage to continue. He can then rein it in or not knowing he knows you know.

Do you work OP?
If not, look at returning.
This is undoubtedly an emotional affair that could spill over easily.
Emotional affairs are very heady and can easily become love.
I think he is well on his way.
Get your ducks in a row before you give him a heads up.
Get legal advice and get all paperwork concerning finances together while you can.

He has been dismissive of you already.
Prepare for the worst, while hoping for the best.
She sounds absolutely game from what you have overheard IMO.

Yes but trying to restrict your partner's interactions with others isn't going to stop them cheating on you. You just have to take that risk without trying to control them.

I think letting them know you know that this person is overly flattering and the emotional connection is inappropriate is the only way to interfere with what might happen. Blow it all out in the open. Don't tell them what to do. In fact, you could even play quite 'innocent', like oh no, this person is becoming really attached to you, how inappropriate, how are you going to handle it? Many people get tempted, sometimes people need to step back from the brink, banning them or crying or being upset doesn't work.

Just keep repeating you don't find it acceptable, don't argue with him over whether it is.

We only hear on MN about the friendships that are arousing suspicion, generally speaking that's not Brian from accounts.

I got a bit suspicious about DH seemingly having a case of 'mentionitis' about his new female work bestie: "Clare said this, Clare said that. Clare and I were in the pub. Clare and I are thinking of going to the cinema next week".

Turns out Clare's a butch lesbian who has two kids with her wife, probably about as much of a threat as Brian from accounts.

Calm clear discussion on boundaries
look up emotional affair discuss the lines between friend & more than friend.

Would he be comfortable you doing the same thing?
How is your relationship? People love an ego boost.
It's the evening/weekend contact for me that is a bit of a red flag.
It's all fun until it goes too far. I'm in year 3 trying to recover from an emotional affair & my DH is regretful/sorry etc. I will never forget.

I have a male colleague at my company who has become one of my friends. Although we work on the same projects some times, he is based at one of our other offices hours away so we mainly correspond by messaging and sometimes phone. We have travelled long haul overseas together and he has stayed at my house one night when he had to be in town for a conference and hotels were mega expensive, above our expense limits.
Absolutely nothing has ever “happened” though, and never will. I do hope his wife isn’t needlessly worried as I can see how on paper, if you don’t know me or seen us together, it could look bad. But I don’t see why I have to lose a friend just because of optics.

If she was male there wouldn’t be a risk of an affair developing… stupid point to raise

Never understand this argument. Unless OP’s husband is into men, then no, I don’t think she’d feel the same.

Perhaps the question to ask is, would OP’s husband invest this much time into friendship with a male colleague?

I’m all for friendships regardless of sex, but she clearly fancies him and is letting him know it.

He needs to keep this a work relationship and stop blurring the lines.

Would I leave an otherwise good marriage because my husband was friends with another woman? No.

Agree if it makes you uncomfortable, talk to your DH and say it makes you uncomfortable. If the friendship is truly platonic/professional and the out of hours contact dies down, the colleague will just presume he has a busy home life and there wouldn't be any drama over it!

Absolutely disagree that men and women shouldn't have friends of the opposite sex outside marriage, that's insane! I have a very close male friend that my DH once got a bit funny about - but we were having some other (unrelated) issues in our own marriage at the time. We discussed it, and it's fine.

@JadeSquid Yes true.

Trust your gut.
I’d also probably invite her (and her partner???) to a Christmas drink and use it as an opportunity to meet her and assess how she behaves in person. You could invite other people from work or neighbours etc so it’s not so intense but will give you a good a chance to either make it all ‘normal’ and all be friends; or to keep feeling as you are an know you need to trust your gut and that if you’re not happy, that’s enough or should be enough for him to reduce contact.

You need more information; but I think absolutely trust your gut instincts and don’t be naive. Lots of luck @Northoftheriver1 x

It’s all well out of order. She has no business being so affectionate towards your DH and he should be shutting it down, not lapping it up.
You need a serious discussion with him, pointing out it is hurting you - ask him does that bother him? And if it doesn’t bother him, why not? Ask him directly is he more worried about upsetting the OW than you? And if so, that’s a problem. Why does he think she’s interested in him? It hardly sounds innocent. If he tries the “she’s just a friend and I’ll be friends with who I like” routine just be straight and point out that platonic friends don’t talk to each other like that and a partners feelings should always come ahead anyone else’s. If he can’t see that, tell him your relationship obviously has problems that you both need to address. Without his work “friend” being involved.