Date tells me he's joining the military. What should I do?

[Bunny44]

I've recently met a wonderful man in a meet- cute sort of situation who I've been dating the last few weeks. It's obvious we are very well matched and he's just so lovely and nice person. I feel like I've been waiting forever for someone like him.

I'm late 30s and a single mum to a toddler. In the last 10 years I've only had one serious relationship of one year (which resulted in him leaving me while pregnant for someone else)... Before my ex I dated but none of it went anywhere significant. I had a long term relationship in my 20s where we lived together and I've been really craving having that again. A home together. Having a partner to do life with and have more children with.

This guy wants that, BUT he did tell me on our first date he's been accepted into the military and starts next month far away from where we currently live. As my feelings for him have grown, to be honest I'm gutted, as what I understand is that he'll essentially be away and awful lot. Having just spent years on my own and gone through pregnancy and bringing up my first child on my own, I hoped when I met someone this time we'd do it all together. His base would also be far from where I live near my parents and I work full time in a good job where sometimes I have to travel so need support to do my job. Essentially I see a situation with him where I'd still rely on my parents for support.

He's told me he understands it's a big thing and to think about it, but I'm so torn as I'm sure he'd be an amazing partner and I really like him, but would I just be signing myself to a life of loneliness? Or is it better than in my head?

To be clear he would be in a risky combat role where I understand he can be posted in remote places. He's mid 30s so slightly younger but also wants children soon.

I don't think it's that he's making excuses as he's making a lot of effort to see me and stay in contact when he's been available. I think he genuinely doesn't think he's in a good place for a committed relationship. And I am listening to him, but my hesitation is if this will change soon, since he's trying everything he can to come back here as soon as possible. That should be in 2 weeks which isn't long away and then I'll be able to see if things change quickly. If they don't I've got my answer. I'm not willing to wait a long time or be strung along.

What comes over from your posts is that you do seem quite desperate to be part of a couple and have a solid family life with a man and maybe another child. That's fine, but...

If you have a history of choosing the 'wrong men' it's worth doing some digging into why, in case you latch onto no-hopers and end up hurt.

Is there a pattern in your own behaviour?

It is quite old to join by now most people his age have left or are leaving.

Having a partner in the military is do able. I met my dp 4years ago he lived down south and would drive home friday and saturday and went home sunday every week for 2years. He could get posted anywhere in the country and also he could get posted out to other countries, they also go on alot of AT ( adventure training) for sometimes weeks at a time, he will have alot of amazing opertunities through out his career meaning he could be away alot.

I think I'd take a step back and try not to over think, see what happens and enjoy it for what it is for now.

The miliary life isn't for everyone.

You're just not seeing this as it is.

Why would he NOT stay in contact with you? He's getting sex, someone to listen to his woes, massage his ego by simply being there when he checks in with you.

Being geographically closer does not mean any of his behaviour will change. He's already told you he needs to get his head sorted and that he's not ready for a relationship.

How much clearer does it have to be?

If you've been let down by several men including the father of your child, you do need to be more discerning and spot men who are not going to give you what you want.

@whymewhyme Things have moved on- read ALL by OP.

Why does he need to get his head sorted?

Ok yep I get that. To be honest I've had several good long term relationships in my 20s. The trouble started after my long term relationship ended 10 years ago and then I've run into a series of these relationships in different forms:

-One guy who I got very attached to soon after my long-term relationship ended, who was classic Mr Unavailable and strung me along for years. Only ended when I just stopped messaging him back as I knew he wouldn't change.
-A Younger guy where we fell in love but he had serious issues that I tried to help him with, but he ended the relationship, saying to protect me.
-The father of my child, who love-bombed me, but unbeknown to me was involved with his ex. He left me when I was pregnant for her.

All of these relationships hurt me greatly, and caused a lot of emotional and physical stress.

I've been single since then and have only been on the odd date since. Whenever I have been at all emotionally involved with someone, I find myself feeling like I'm 2nd guessing everything and wondering why I bother. I frequently think about getting back with my long-term ex because I was mostly really happy in that relationship. I do want a relationship and I miss being in one. But also a bad relationship is worse than none at all.

Yes I do ask myself where I'm going wrong. I think I tend to look for immediate connection as my mum always told me, "when you meet the one you'll just know." My parents have been married 40 years. All the examples above, we had instant chemistry which made me feel like it was special. The military guy is putting a lot of effort in when we are together, but it's more what he's saying which is concerning. So his actions show me he's interested, I don't believe there is anyone else, however I think he is afraid of commitment in general and is trying to manage my expectations - that's the bit which means he could be stringing me along, even if unintentional.

Because he's very upset that joining the military hasn't turned out as expected. This is something he's worked towards the last 2 years and now he's in, he hates it. He wants to get out as soon as possible. He's giving himself a really hard time for making this mistake and feeling really overwhelmed by the thought of having no job to go back to and having to start from scratch.

Sorry ignore the above - editing went wrong 😑

But is he interested in you, or the sex and free therapy? Often men will say they don't want a relationship (for whatever reason) but they still show up because they want access to these 2 benefits, and they do just enough to ensure continued access to them.

How does this man support you, and meet your emotional needs?

I’ve been there with a man like this, as have many women here. It’s like they all read the same book.

So his actions show me he's interested

I think you're confusing words with actions. Don't look at what he's telling you. Look at what he's doing.

He's told me why he's interested in me - he said he enjoys being with me, he says I'm kind and caring, intellingent and he likes that I'm into fitness and adventurous (travelled a lot) like him. Yes there is the physical side but actually he had some issues at the beginning where it meant we couldn't do much and he still wanted to hang out. His messages almost never reference anything sexual.

He doesn't like talking too much about emotional stuff, so I wouldn't say he's getting any therapy from me, apart from just being here and the odd supportive message, but even then I get the impression he sometimes doesn't even want that and when we were together he said he wanted to avoid talking about the army to keep the atmosphere positive. He said he knows how to deal with his mental health and seems to see this as his own responsibility to work on and not rely on others.

Communication by text has been him checking in with me. I was really unwell last week and he was messaging every day asking how I was doing, even though he had very little time and was exhausted. He kept it very brief when I asked about things on his end, although he did send some photos and videos of him in training (ones they're allowed to share).

He's quite disciplined and has lots of different interests, which he's been sharing with me and getting me involved, and he's shown interest in my hobbies too, so I feel like he's someone who could potentially enrich my life, and hopefuly visa versa, if we were able to have a relationship - but that obviously has a big caveat.

Actions:
He's prioritising seeing me when he's not in training
He's messaging me every day
He's moving back around the corner in a few weeks

He said:
If I wanted a relationship with anyone, it'd be you, but I'm not in a good place right now and I don't want to commit to anything when I need to sort myself out and don't feel emotionally available to worry about someone else and I don't think I can be a good role model for your child right now. You're in a good place in life and I'm not, and I don't want to keep you waiting as I don't know how long it'll be.

Note - he's mentioned my son quite a few times in relation to our relationship. He made reference to his parents separating when he was young and finding it hard having new people coming and going from their lives. I found it a bit strange to leap that far ahead to be honest, but it seems to be something he's worried about.

Hi @Bunny44 - just caught up on all of this.

I can see where the other posters are coming from - but at the same time we say we want to be honest with us and be more emotionally intelligent and communicate and it does sound like he is doing those things.

Now most of us have met someone who we thought ticked those boxes and turns out they were just saying what we wanted to hear or were stringing us along etc. He could be in this category, but he could also be the exception to the rule.

What does your gut tell you? I think it’s good that you’re not the one doing the chasing or putting in the effort and leaving that with him .

I really understood and resonated when you mentioned about having fell into the ‘rescuer’ role in previous relationships as I’ve done very similar and given people a chance that I should never have done and tried to help them sort their lives out only to end up with it completely backfiring on me. I’ve also been single years and my standards and expectations have changed massively!

It’s hard when you’ve had those types of bad apples before to distinguish between if it’s this again or is this for real? As you don’t really trust yourself due to the past and sort of half expect everything to go wrong anyway.

I still believe this man hasn’t really done anything wrong - so far he’s done he’s everything he has said and he has been open and honest with you. Sounds like there are communication issues?

If I were you - I think I’d be inclined to just keep doing what you’re doing. Don’t overly invest yourself, let him make the effort and keep the lines of communication open. Don’t commit yourself to him.

When he moves back - judge his actions not just his words like others have said.

I don’t personally think there’s any one major red flag that means run immediately based on what you’ve said, but only time will tell.

I mean - what’s the worst that can happen anyway? He’s not moving in with you and shouldn’t be, your child isn’t affected. Maybe it runs its course in a few weeks and comes to a natural end. Or maybe the closure of leaving the army and moving back will help him close the door on that chapter and then things go great between you.

As long as you stay aware and don’t get blinded by any feelings you have for him I think it will be ok even if it doesn’t work out. You seem like a sensible person!

This is going from my own experience of men. When they want to be with you, like really really want to be with you, they will put every single effort in to make this happen. They won’t play games and mess with your head. They won’t leave you hanging or say one thing and do another. They won’t give you conflicting signals.

This guy, I’m sorry to say, is not the one. The reason I say this is the fact he keeps telling you time and time again that he isn’t ready for a relationship. Believe me when I say, the only men who have ever said this to me just weren’t that interested in me or, more to the point, wanted to fuck around with various women and didn’t wish to commit. He’s being honest with you and you’re not listening. You think he’ll come around eventually and actually want to fully be with you and give you the things you want- a stable relationship, another child etc. He has said repeatedly that he isn’t ready for this but you’re choosing to ignore it.

You can continue to do this and end up hurt or cut your losses now. What I suggest as well is considering the fact he doesn’t want to be a stepfather. For many men, particularly younger ones, this is a step too far. Taking on someone else’s child/ren is a massive step and I don’t think he’s ready.

My god your giving this a lot of thought. You cant sleep?!
Hes a relative stranger in terms of dating/relationship (appreciate you knew of him thru friends but still you barely know him)
If he gets in the army wave him off, wish him the best and stay in touch, but dont commit anything to him....why would you, youve not even dated fully.
Who knows what the future brings, never say never but I have no idea what you are thinking about having kids with him and how it would work?!

when we were together he said he wanted to avoid talking about the army to keep the atmosphere positive

Or because he never was in the army

Ok so at this point he's sent me pictures and videos of actually being there which are from their squad facebook page with their platoon code on it. So as I've said before, can we stop debating whether he's actually gone? Everything he's said to do with going and being there has checked out.

Hi OP, I don't have any problem believing he's in the army and it hasn't worked out.

My problem with him is that he sounds like the type of person who gets fixated on the next big shiny thing, then he gets it and 'oh it's not what I thought'. The mistake he made with joining the army would be understandable if he was 20. By but his age he should know himself well enough to have realised it would not be for him. It sounds like he is flakey, and doesn't think things through properly. I would be concerned he's like that in relationships too. I would expect him to let me down.

Ok I think I'll take a mental step back but I'm not going to give up on it right now. I'll let him reach out if he wants to. I'll see what happens when he moves back.

I'll continue potentially seeing other people if I feel like it. I have actually been on a few dates with someone else, who seems really nice and making a lot of effort, but I feet a bit bad as I feel emotionally invested in the military guy and I don't want to waste this new guy's time. I went on the first date before I knew he was coming back and now it kind of feels like cheating to see someone else, which I know is ridiculous given what he said to me, but it's how I feel.

I think I'll get a lot more clarity in the new 4 weeks whether it's going somewhere or it's not. Like I said previously I have hung around for people far too long in the past and I don't want to do that again. He seems to be true to his word and I think he'll also tell me where his head is at pretty quickly too.

He's a flake who does the push pull game dynamic. He talks to you, you think you're getting closer, then he drops that he's not ready for a relationship.

This is the second time in a couple of months he's pulled this. Do you not see the pattern?

You've said you hang around too long in the past. This is you doing that again. You say you're not going to give up now. Give up on what? He's flat out told you he's not ready for a relationship. Why don't you believe him? He's not ready for commitment, much less living together and raising your kid and having another. If you want a partner who's committed and ready to share a life living together and having another child and being a family, this is not your guy for that future. He doesn't share your dream of your future.

Trust your instincts - it can be hard when they’ve failed in the past but each time you’re learning!

And you’re making sure you’re not 100% invested with the other dates even if it makes you uncomfortable which is good.

I genuinely hope it all works out for you

For what its worth, I believe most of what you are saying the guy has said. I'm from a military background myself, although not army, and whilst there is a lot of cheating, there are also lots of great people. And by choosing not to stay, he's made the decision he doesn't want to work with the bad ones.

He's also in a big period of transition. He has been emotionally invested in this career change for 2 years, so working out what he wants the next stage of his life will look like isn't quick. If it was, I'd be more concerned. I personally think it appears he is showing a lot of emotional maturity to take a beat. To work out what he wants to do, before over committing to you.

If this drags on, obviously its not right, however its been weeks, not even months, so I think having patience, but keeping a little distance is a very sensible thing for you to do. Date if someone interesting comes along, but you also like him so don't write him off yet.

I appreciate there are a lot of people who have had negative experiences and they are just trying to pass on their advice so you don't end up suffering like they have. But you seem stable, mature, and reasonable in your expectations for this relationship. I hope it goes well for you.

He does have a short term plan which is go back to what he was doing before. He enjoyed what he was doing before, it's just I think he had pictured himself in the army and he specifically said to me he's upset that he thought he had it all figured out and he misjudged it all. But there are things he didn't know/underestimated about the army or himself until he actually started training. I think he's tried to be as clear and open with me as possible.

I think he really likes you OP but possibly is unable to give you what he knows you want.

What you see as making an effort really isn’t very much at all, but at this point you’re grateful for whatever scraps he throws your way.

He’s telling you that he doesn’t want the same things as you, without actually saying the words. He’s told you that he’s not a good role model for your child, that he worries about the effect on your child due to his childhood, and that he doesn’t know when he will be in a good place and you shouldn’t wait.

I think he enjoys spending time with you and clearly admires lots about you. But when you put everything together, this is a man that’s at a very different stage of his life than you. Multiple posters have told you how unusual it is to be applying for the military role as late as he has, and now he’s decided it’s not for him, having seemingly done very little research. I don’t believe he couldn’t have known. I think he’s fun and I’m sure he’s lovely but he blows hot and cold and I don’t think you’ll get what you need. And you can’t even blame him for it because he told you that he’s not ready and has doubts.

I had my own version of this man and I still look back and wonder “what if?” I wasted too much time on him, and there was always some reason why it wasn’t quite the right time.

Just tread carefully and protect yourself OP. Your desire for what you can clearly see could be sounds a long way removed from reality right now.

And also, the other guy sounds interesting! Would be a shame to miss someone good because you were too busy looking the other way 💐