Date tells me he's joining the military. What should I do?

[Bunny44]

I've recently met a wonderful man in a meet- cute sort of situation who I've been dating the last few weeks. It's obvious we are very well matched and he's just so lovely and nice person. I feel like I've been waiting forever for someone like him.

I'm late 30s and a single mum to a toddler. In the last 10 years I've only had one serious relationship of one year (which resulted in him leaving me while pregnant for someone else)... Before my ex I dated but none of it went anywhere significant. I had a long term relationship in my 20s where we lived together and I've been really craving having that again. A home together. Having a partner to do life with and have more children with.

This guy wants that, BUT he did tell me on our first date he's been accepted into the military and starts next month far away from where we currently live. As my feelings for him have grown, to be honest I'm gutted, as what I understand is that he'll essentially be away and awful lot. Having just spent years on my own and gone through pregnancy and bringing up my first child on my own, I hoped when I met someone this time we'd do it all together. His base would also be far from where I live near my parents and I work full time in a good job where sometimes I have to travel so need support to do my job. Essentially I see a situation with him where I'd still rely on my parents for support.

He's told me he understands it's a big thing and to think about it, but I'm so torn as I'm sure he'd be an amazing partner and I really like him, but would I just be signing myself to a life of loneliness? Or is it better than in my head?

To be clear he would be in a risky combat role where I understand he can be posted in remote places. He's mid 30s so slightly younger but also wants children soon.

I have and still think none of it rings true to be honest. Obviously if the whole thing was bollocks he’s now panicking as he’s realised you can’t actually come and visit him, etc. He can’t keep the charade going so has now invented a sudden change of mind and that he’s leaving. At best case he’s an idiot fantasist and at worst case he’s married though if you’ve met family and friends that’s less likely but still not impossible.

Sorry to say it won’t work. My DH signed up when we had been dating 4 years (pre marriage but had bought a house). We’ve been together since uni and he did 15 years and then left when we had our second DC. It was hard work. They are away ALOT. I didn’t travel with DH so either he commuted when base was close enough or he lived in the block mom to Fri. He did tours from 6 weeks to 9 months and actually got away relatively lightly.

Which service is he joining? Army expect them to be away a lot. Navy a little less. RAF a little less again.

you are not expected to follow them around but if you don’t be prepared for them not being at home. It’s what lead to my DH finally leaving as he was missing out on DC.

Oh wait. Commented without reading sorry

I mean he went through it with me in detail and I don't want to go through everything but he described the atmosphere as toxic and almost abusive. And there were a few incidents which he couldn't reconcile himself to and realised it wasn't for him or people he wanted to be around. He said the other recruits were nice despite being much younger he generally got on with the ones he was sharing with.

He said some of it yes he realises he should have really known better that he wouldn't like it before, but he said he's glad he knows now and it's made him appreciate much for the life he had before down here. He wants to leave before he's obligated to the minimum 4 years.

He was living abroad until 2 years ago and came back with the idea of joining before it was too late. Obviously it's a long process and he created what was supposed to be a temporary life in my town while he went through the process (this was delayed for a year due to an injury) but actually he said he realised he really enjoyed his life down here and wants to come back to it.

I'm not quite sure what the obsession is that he made it up? As mentioned he's not a complete stranger and we have contacts in common. We met at his place of work and I've been to his house and know who he lived with.

I think I'm going to stop replying to your posts as you seem to have got it into your head a certain idea of him which is very different from real life. And you're reading what I wrote incorrectly. I never said he was out of action. I said he had to push through it despite feeling horrendous. He could have seen a doctor but was advised not to ask as they suggested he could have been kept in isolation into the Christmas break and he was desperate to go home. I know the dates, yes they make sense. He has been particularly unwell with what seems to be either flu or COVID. He's in excellent shape and a very disciplined person but obviously being so unwell makes you feel very different.

As I said I met him at his place of work. I know what sort of person he is. He has a very good reputation at work. People cried when he left (I was told not by him but by his colleague who I'm friends with).

Yes,if he doesn't leave by 3 months he's there for 4 years.

I'm just feeling something is about 'off' about him.

You paint him as a real macho man with his sport etc but it only took 2 and bit weeks for him to appreciate his army dream isn't all it's cracked up to be.
If he gave up after barrack room banter, towing the line, getting wet and cold outside, he's not cut out for the infantry that's for sure.

That's fine. But it may show he isn't grounded in reality and tends to romanticise things in his life.

He really bigged up the army in his head - he had a year to wait to join- and he talked to you about how or not you could fit in with his life quite early on .

All I'm saying is I'd expect more maturity for a man his age who doesn't seem to have settled down or understood his own personality yet.

Yes thanks I'm getting to that point. I was just posting to update not for input on whether to trust him so yes not much point on replying to all the conspiracy theorists! I'm not opting to move in with him or have a baby. We're just going to date and see!

That's fine.
But in your other posts you did say that you might like another baby sometime and time was ticking by.

Make sure he's mature enough for what you want because he doesn't come over as knowing what he wants.

So you think he made up the whole story to his family, friends, colleagues, clients and me?

Bear in mind I've been to his house, met his housemate, met his colleagues and some of his friends.

What could he possibly get out of all this? 🤷🏻‍♀️

Yes at some point. But you know in a couple of years if we were sure of things. Not right now. He's made it clear he's very cautious about unwanted pregnancies and so am I.

Yes I am waiting to check he's not just very changeable and not making any assumptions.

I think that with your end game being you want someone to live together with and have a family with, this is not the guy. He's a flake. He settles somewhere for a couple of years, then he moved on. He gets excited about something, then decides nope and exits. There's a real pattern here.

And what he says about being told not to seek medical attention by who? makes no sense. If he had a severe viral illness, he could have gotten antivirals that could have lessened the severity of his illness. Respiratory precautions maybe, but isolation? Um. I don't think you're getting the whole story here.

Feeling something is off? You haven't met him! Some things you really do need to try before knowing if they are for you or not. Know way off knowing what your boss is going to be like.

Yes, something 'off' meaning he seems flaky, changeable, not stable- whichever definition you like.

The way OP described him as an all-action alpha male, doesn't stack up with the flip-flopping sensitive guy who quits the army training after 2 weeks when he waited a year to join and presumably researched what it would entail.

He's not her boss 🙄

That’s great news! I hope it all works out for you and you did the right thing just letting him work out for himself what he wanted.

Even if it doesn’t work out now after a while at least you won’t have any what ifs

This is what I keep thinking!! I’ve responded to her a few times before and it shocks me just how negative most people are and the automatic assumption is that he’s a liar and/or scammer despite the explanations OP has given. I don’t understand it!

Why does that make him a flake? He’s had no responsibilities like a marriage or children so why not move around if that’s what suits you at the time? From everything OP has said and explained the poor guy has done nothing wrong yet so many on here are determined to paint him as a really bad person.

If this is a job he has always dreamt of then it’s easily possible he’s built it up in his mind to something it isn’t and when he’s tried it reality has hit and he’s realised it’s not for him and he’s been looking at it through rose tinted glasses. I don’t see what the issue is there? Or with any of it?

But he’s had no reason to be stable? Just because someone has a different lifestyle or different life experiences than the norm it doesn’t automatically mean anything negative.

Like I just said on a previous reply if this is a job he’s always dreamt of and built it up then the reality has hit and he’s realised it isn’t for him and maybe been looking at it through rose tinted glasses. I actually think that’s a positive thing as there’s a lot of people wouldn’t be able to admit that and walk away for fear of hurting their pride or whatever. He clearly knows his own mind and he’s realised he’s made a mistake and is taking steps to resolve it. Not everything makes someone a bad person

Just because he's into fitness doesn't make him an 'alpha male' insensitive type. He's quite open and self aware. He's not leaving because he's 'over sensitive' either (which I find quite toxic attitude to think like that about men). It wasn't the physical stuff that bothered him or swearing or un-pc stuff. It was the people who work there. The gist is that he said they were uninspiring and soulless. He doesn't want to be like them or one of them. There were some other things that he didn't like but it's not that he thought it was too tough as such, more that he didn't realise how much he'd dislike losing his freedom and ultimately himself.

I just talked my sister through exactly what he discussed with me and she said it makes perfect sense and it's good he's realised sooner rather than later. Between the 2 of us we know guys who signed up and we dislike who they became, so we get what he is saying.

Yes that's what I took away from it. Also he's owning this as his own mistake. He said I know this is a 180, and I wish I'd realised sooner, but at least I know now. He said if he could turn back time he would.

Also just because someone's moved around doesn't mean they're not looking for stability at some point. He moved around mainly in his 20s and the last stint he was doing a degree abroad, so there was a specific purpose. He thought about staying there, but his long term relationship with a local broke down and he decided it was time to move back to the UK and pursue the army dream which he'd thought about since school.

Yeah I agree with you - we’ve all built something up in our minds about the dream job or the dream whatever and let’s be honest most of us don’t ever take steps to make that happen. He has done and realised he got it wrong. It’s really not a big deal and much more positive for your potential relationship!

Yes exactly - it’s just a different lifestyle and with no ties it’s a feasible lifestyle and something I wish I could have done! It’s better he pursued it and got it wrong than always wondering what if.

I don’t understand the absolute determination that he’s awful haha - if anything he sounds like a really good communicator which is pretty rare!

You've got me wrong on this. I'm not saying men who are sporty can be sensitive. Nor am I saying he's over sensitive. I know people who are /were in the Force s at a high level.

But what you've just posted seems to show he wasn't aware of what the army is like at all- a bit of a schoolboy dream.

People who are interested often start with the TA (territorials) and get weekend experience to find out if it's for them.

You say he has a degree, but he either didn't apply or wasn't going to try for Officer entry. He should have known he'd be with 16-18 year olds who weren't on the same page as him.

Maybe he's a nice man but so far his judgement on this comes over as immature and NOT self aware! It's pretty obvious to anyone that the army is about being told what to do, complying, not using your brain unless you're an Officer, and not exactly inspiring or intellectually challenging.

I know you said he had to hold back applying for a year because he had some injury but he could still perhaps have joined the TA and found out more before making a decision.

The gist is that he said they were uninspiring

Perhaps he had a completely false idea of basic training and he mig be too old to adapt, which is another reason for the entry age limit. However I can't believe he found the people leading were uninspiring. That's highly unlikely.

I would also take issue with the '"being isolated over Christmas". There is no longer a legal basis to restrict his movement for health reasons so they couldn't do that

I agree with others, be cautious, stuff isn't quite adding up - perhaps not maliciously but he might be someone who gets carried out and doesn't reflect the truth accurately.

I know a physical connection is rare but stand back and try to remove the lust goggles before you fall too heavily.

he didn't realise how much he'd dislike losing his freedom and ultimately himself.

That IS odd.
Many people don't want to be in the Forces for the very reason he's discovered in 2 weeks.

That it's a case of 'being told what to do' in the junior ranks, losing your freedom, doing drill so it becomes second nature in battle, not questioning your snr officers.

I know people who were in snr roles (commissioned) in one of the forces and during their brutal training (akin to the Marines) they do try to 'break you' and test you to your limits. Whether that's what he meant by 'losing himself' is not clear.

I'm wondering why this wasn't apparent during the selection process and why by 34 he had a whimsical idea of what life would be like in the army. On the one hand he's been sensible enough to leave early on but did he really get to 34 with the romantic version he had in his head?

This isn't to say he's not a nice guy, but from what you have said he appears a bit unworldly.

It's easy to let lust cloud your judgement, so take your time discovering who he is.

You're light years ahead of him- you own a house, stable job, have a child- he's got a lot of catching up to do.

He had previously considered officers route in the past but he was too old for that by the time he came back to the UK - the cut off is 29.

He said the other recruits were nice and he liked them. The people he didn't like were those running the training and working on base. He said they seemed unmotivated, bitter and unnecessarily unpleasant. He's a fitness coach normally so his job is to push and motivate people but you can imagine the attitude is very different.

His injury was quite bad so couldn't have done TA either. He's not lived in the UK for a stretch of time since he was 18 so there hasn't been another chance to do it.

Just to add that he expected them to be tough on them but he's quite a disciplined person normally so maybe he resented the doubling down on them when he was going to do what he was told anyway.

Anyway he is where he is and I got the impression it's not been easy. He said he's dreading going back.