Date tells me he's joining the military. What should I do?

[Bunny44]

I've recently met a wonderful man in a meet- cute sort of situation who I've been dating the last few weeks. It's obvious we are very well matched and he's just so lovely and nice person. I feel like I've been waiting forever for someone like him.

I'm late 30s and a single mum to a toddler. In the last 10 years I've only had one serious relationship of one year (which resulted in him leaving me while pregnant for someone else)... Before my ex I dated but none of it went anywhere significant. I had a long term relationship in my 20s where we lived together and I've been really craving having that again. A home together. Having a partner to do life with and have more children with.

This guy wants that, BUT he did tell me on our first date he's been accepted into the military and starts next month far away from where we currently live. As my feelings for him have grown, to be honest I'm gutted, as what I understand is that he'll essentially be away and awful lot. Having just spent years on my own and gone through pregnancy and bringing up my first child on my own, I hoped when I met someone this time we'd do it all together. His base would also be far from where I live near my parents and I work full time in a good job where sometimes I have to travel so need support to do my job. Essentially I see a situation with him where I'd still rely on my parents for support.

He's told me he understands it's a big thing and to think about it, but I'm so torn as I'm sure he'd be an amazing partner and I really like him, but would I just be signing myself to a life of loneliness? Or is it better than in my head?

To be clear he would be in a risky combat role where I understand he can be posted in remote places. He's mid 30s so slightly younger but also wants children soon.

Living overseas from 18 to 34 and doing what?

Is he a drifter never settling to anything?
Is being a sports coach a personal trainer, (or a professional coach working with athletes?) his main job or does he do other things (you said you met at work)?

So he did his degree outside of the UK as you mentioned leaving the UK at 18?

As someone else mentioned you are further ahead of him in life so he's might not quite be the catch you think he is.

The most he has to "suffer" is 6 weeks so I would question his resilience. Has he submitted his notice and now in the 14 day period?

The training is hard but if he's fit then it shouldn't have been an issue. He will have had to learn lots of new skills such as weapon handling, parade, ironing his uniform and polishing shoes as well as hours of PT.

Go on to YouTube and you will see lots of videos re army training. His trainers will be super fit and I haven't met anyone interested in fitness who hasn't been inspired by the army trainers.

It was a full time job at a place that does boot camp style exercise classes which run most of the day/evening.

He was a manager and coach there. I went there as a client for a while but he mainly worked at a different site so I only had him as a coach a few times but he was one of the best ones. I'm friends with a few of the other coaches.

Before he was an instructor of a specific sport in several countries abroad. Yes I wouldn't say he's had a structured traditional career as such, but he's enjoyed what he's done and he's got various qualifications and a degree from a good university. He doesn't appear to like office type work. To be honest where I currently live is quite rural and a lot of people don't really have office based, academic careers. Other people I've dated have usually moved down here from London but there are limited numbers.

I do have a good career and financial stability but I've also done some fairly rash things which have led me to where I am today (single mum living with my parents) so he could equally be judging me and he's not or at least we're giving each other a chance to get to know each other and see.

Well he's been back and forth from the UK since 18. To be honest I was the same for a number of years. He's only done 2 weeks so still has 16 days then can serve notice.

From experience and seeing my friends it's very difficult to meet a guy who earns the same or more if you're a high earning female in your late 30s. I'm not sure why it is but most of my friends in a similar position are dating men a bit younger who earn less, sometimes significantly so. Also they owned properties and their partners don't. But they seem to be working out and they're happy and I like their partners.

Throw into the mix that I moved away from the city, I'm a single mum of a toddler and I live with my parents. I also don't like dogs, tattoos or beards which seems to limit my options in rural England significantly.

I do have other potential options, but I really like this guy and just want to see how it goes.

So if only 2 weeks he has just done basic admin, such as issuing kit, fitness and weapon handling so he really must not have understood what he was getting into.

His language around the army entry process hasn't felt correct which is why people have questioned his story.

At his age he is unlikely to change, this is him, he is unlikely to develop more.

However I don't like beards, tatoos or living with a dog so I know that the choice of available men isn't great

So if only 2 weeks he has just done basic admin, such as issuing kit, fitness and weapon handling so he really must not have understood what he was getting into.

His language around the army entry process hasn't felt correct which is why people have questioned his story.

At his age he is unlikely to change, this is him, he is unlikely to develop more.

However I don't like beards, tatoos or living with a dog so I know that the choice of available men isn't great

I see- thanks for the update.

You are living with your parents out of choice because you said you have a house of your own (unless I've misunderstood.) I'm guessing they help with your son which is great.

I know it comes over as if several of us are trying to see the worst in him, but we're just trying to protect you from being hurt.

I hope he doesn't see you as someone who can offer him a home.

I've known plenty of young people your age and his (my friends' children for a start!) and they were more settled by 35 than he is. That's not to say he isn't going to settle.

What concerns me is that he had a very childlike dream at 34 about army life. If he'd really wanted to do it from being 18, he would have. I can't understand what stopped him. It was only going to be harder when he was older.

The way I see it is that you're the sensible one and he's behaving a bit like someone 25 not almost 35.

Just keep a very open mind because on the surface you're both at very different stages in your lives. You're trying to see the good in him which (based on a lot of lust!) but maybe you aren't really seeing the full picture of a guy who's a bit flaky.

We've had plans to meet up on next tomorrow for a few days since he left last month, but my siblings came for Christmas with their sick children who made my son sick and I have a horrible feeling I'm next which I'm unbelievably gutted about 😢. We had some really nice plans, including something he booked for NYE but my son's so ill and I'm worried about him and just know I'll be next which will mean I can't go. Especially as I don't want to make him sick before going back.

Very annoyed that my siblings brought their sick children as they do this every year without fail and don't seem to care about the impact on the rest of the family.

That's annoying. Your brothers and sisters should keep their children away if they are ill. If this does happen every year, you're going to have to speak up well ahead of their visit, and agree not to see them while they visit (your parents, presumably.) I'm sure you parents who are older don't want to catch all those bugs!

However.....it will be interesting to see how this man reacts. This is the reality of having a young child whether it's Christmas or not- they catch things all the time and it impacts on your life too.

Maybe you can find a low key arrangement like going for a nice walk rather than something more special?

And, he's only got 2 more weeks at Catterick when he goes back, so it's not as if he's not going to be back quite soon.

I hope your son gets better- kids usually do- very quickly.

Hey me back again. So we did spend a few days together over new year, even though I was a bit ill and it was still really nice. I could tell to some degree that he was struggling emotionally, but he tried really hard not to let that affect our time together and we just hung out and we both arranged things to do together, which was very fun. I think if this is him in a bad place then he's definitely someone I'd like to be with. He met a couple of my close friends who also thought he was really great.

That said I noted he'd stopped referring to the future and on the last day he tried to talk to me about everything and broke down a bit and said he doesn't feel in a good place at all and he really likes me but feels like he needs to get himself to a better place logistically and emotionally before he can start a proper relationship with anyone. He feels really thrown about doing a 180 on joining the army and anxious about the future. He mentioned he feels I'm really sorted in life and he's not.

However, since returning, he has informed the army he wants to leave and has already secured his old accomodation back near me for when he can leave, so he should be back within a few weeks. He started making enquiries about jobs too. He set the expectation he might not be in contact much when back on base but has messaged most days (I leave contact up to him).

I am a bit worried about him and supporting him emotionally is hard as I think he's cautious about over burdening me but I can tell he feels trapped and extremely anxious from the little he's said about it.

Anyway I know I need to protect myself to a certain extent even though I do still really like him. I'm just going to see how things go and not put any pressure on him or myself for now, but obviously I don't want to get into an indefinite holding pattern.

Financially, he's not had as high paying jobs but he's always worked hard (sometimes several jobs at once), saved and seems very sensible in that respect. He's from a much more working class background than me and I think I've just had more opportunities and better guidance when it comes to career choices financially. That said, I think what he's done with his life has been very cool and he's intelligent and well educated - richness is not just due to money but also our experience of life. I find him very interesting and I learn a lot from him.

In November I think it was, you said:

He sounded very final with me yesterday. He said he'd still like to see me till he goes but this isn't going anywhere

I really worry that this guy may well be lots of good things, but hes also a flake who blows hot and cold. I worry you are going to end up very hurt.

Oh OP, I'm so sorry but this sounds like a classic avoidant pattern. There will always be some reason why it just doesn't work right now but you want to believe in the potential.

Check out Natalie Lue's Baggage Reclaim, she has a whole thing about Mr Unavailable.

In the nicest way possible OP (because I have been there), but you are letting him string you along.

I normally can't stand the way the anxious/avoidant rhetoric is discussed online, but the way he creates these snapshots of 'vulnerability', which you perceive as intimacy, and then he withdraws, is so textbook a psychologist could have written it as a case study.

Plus the making himself a victim of circumstance thing (first he's going to join the military, so he can't be with you, now he is sad he's not joining the military, so he can't be with you...) is another classic avoidant thing. He is not taking any accountability for anything is he? You, his job, his attempt to join the military etc.

In modern dating parlance, he is avoidant and you are anxiously attached (in this dynamic at least), in old school language, he is a massive flake and I imagine he's starting to make you feel needy.

I'd say you need to detach from him.

He's not what you need. You're both at very different stages of your lives.

I appreciate you're attracted to him in many ways but he's not reliable. I'd say he's telling you as kindly as he can that he's not ready for a relationship.

he doesn't feel in a good place at all and he really likes me but feels like he needs to get himself to a better place logistically and emotionally before he can start a proper relationship with anyone.

Instead of thinking about what you'd like, really listen to what he says and does.
He told you very clearly what he was ready for or not but you've ignored it.

Those two things are miles apart.

I don't doubt he's a 'nice man' but relationships are not just about compatibility but about the right person at the right time.

His emotional maturity, whether that's with his career or women, comes over as 10 years younger than he is.

You don't need this. It's NOT your role to be his counsellor, mother figure, 'sorter outer '.

You've a child, a house with a mortgage, a career. You're at a very different point in your life.

I don't think he's intentionally dangling you on a hook but that it what you've got.
This constant insecurity of 'Does he want me, will this work, if only he will do X and then it will all happen'.

No. Just no. You need to stop being available, walk away and tell him he's not what you need at the moment.

I'm sorry and I know only too well how hard this is when feelings are unequal, but it's easier to lance the boil now than allow it to fester.

@ThisTaupeZebra I'm old school!

He's just immature.
I can't stand these labels for behaviour, but basically he's a 'mixed up kid' who needs to get his head sorted and mature before he can get into any serious relationship, especially with OP who has a child and a house. He's said that. He knows.

OP- read about being a 'rescuer'- that's what you're doing here.

“I’m going to Yemen”

He just doesn’t want a relationship and he’s finding excuses. It’s up to you, waiting for him emotionally to come back is going to waste your time.

This is a whole load of angst OP over a few dates over a few weeks.

You're making this man an obsession.

Oh...my...God!

He sounds extremely tedious. Surely you can meet someone better?

I really think you need to be less ‘available’ and stop being an emotional crutch for him. That is needed for everyone at some point in a relationship, but it is reciprocal.

You aren’t in a relationship, what you’re seeing from this guy at this point should be him being at his ‘best’. He’s absolutely wasting your time.

Thanks for the messages. I am wondering if he is the classic avoidant type, especially as he mentioned he'd never had a relationship of more than a year. And I feel like it does trigger in me anxious behaviour even if I try to stay grounded. I think I do find myself in the rescuer role frequently in recent relationships.

not sure if I follow?

I think this is a reference to Chandler in Friends