Date tells me he's joining the military. What should I do?

[Bunny44]

I've recently met a wonderful man in a meet- cute sort of situation who I've been dating the last few weeks. It's obvious we are very well matched and he's just so lovely and nice person. I feel like I've been waiting forever for someone like him.

I'm late 30s and a single mum to a toddler. In the last 10 years I've only had one serious relationship of one year (which resulted in him leaving me while pregnant for someone else)... Before my ex I dated but none of it went anywhere significant. I had a long term relationship in my 20s where we lived together and I've been really craving having that again. A home together. Having a partner to do life with and have more children with.

This guy wants that, BUT he did tell me on our first date he's been accepted into the military and starts next month far away from where we currently live. As my feelings for him have grown, to be honest I'm gutted, as what I understand is that he'll essentially be away and awful lot. Having just spent years on my own and gone through pregnancy and bringing up my first child on my own, I hoped when I met someone this time we'd do it all together. His base would also be far from where I live near my parents and I work full time in a good job where sometimes I have to travel so need support to do my job. Essentially I see a situation with him where I'd still rely on my parents for support.

He's told me he understands it's a big thing and to think about it, but I'm so torn as I'm sure he'd be an amazing partner and I really like him, but would I just be signing myself to a life of loneliness? Or is it better than in my head?

To be clear he would be in a risky combat role where I understand he can be posted in remote places. He's mid 30s so slightly younger but also wants children soon.

Wow. I'm really surprised. Here, it's a binding legal contract and there's either discharge early due to issues, like disciplinary or unfit for duty, or medical or hardship reasons.

Basic is really tough and he's at the upper age range.

He sounds extremely changeable and possibly unreliable. He's done it with location, career, and personal life. He doesn't know what he really wants or what he wants changes frequently. Either way, take care.

Still think you are dating walter mitty. Nothing about this fella adds up.

What's the betting he's asking to move in soon

I thought it was 3 months and 14 days notice if leaving at the beginning.

Yep.

Hopefully he kept his house/flat just in case, but if not..... Also, voluntarily leaving your job can restrict how much you could claim in benefits while looking for something else.

Homeless and jobless is the makings of a cocklodger.

I bet he's gone off the idea of OP dating other men now as well.

I had a friend in this situation and she carried on dating him. Then he got posted abroad.

couple of weeks later she was in Tesco and he was in Tesco with his wife! 🤷‍♀️. Bit of a surprise as he was meant to be in Nevada.

So when he leaves the army next year what plans does he have for work? Does he have anything lined up. If he asks to move in with you please say no.

I live with my parents at the moment so that's not an option. He was living with a friend before and he's speaking to him about moving back in and also his previous employer about getting his old job back. So essentially going back to exact situation as before.

So my situation is that I own a house in a city, that's where we're meeting next week, but me and my son live with my parents temporarily, although I am planning on moving out nearby next year. I haven't discussed that with him but he said he's looking into moving back in with his friend temporarily then getting his own place next year (he mentioned he's saved up a deposit and had thought about buying near his base if he had stuck out the army). He'd like to go back to his old employer but he's also exploring better paid options.

Bar the first date, he seems to be more careful about talking about the future with me too much, think he's aware he got ahead of himself on the first date and we just need to see how things go. I'm trying to do the same. I've got my own stuff going on with work so kind of glad he's not going to be around for a few months so I can sort that out then hopefully we can start again and see how things go in Feb.

Read my other posts

I had a long conversation with him about it the other day about why he wants to leave so soon and I don't want to go into the reasons on here but I think they are very valid and logical. He has moved around but it's been usually 4 or 5 years at a time. No different to me really. I'm just going to see how everything goes. Not rushing anything. Now he's moving back I won't have to make any decisions about attempting a long distance relationship and we can just see how things go here at a natural pace.

Does he have any evidence that he was ever even there?

I imagine the army is wall to wall paper trails and beaurocracy.

So does he have photos, certificates, forms, emails, contact details for CO, training unit, new friends etc?

Anything to show for it?

I'm very sceptical of all of this.

I find it very hard to understand how a man his age could make such a massive mistake and want to leave after a month , when he's been through the selection process and accepted.

Did you have any proof AT ALL that he had applied to the Army, that he went to Catterick and that he is there?

Has he sent you photos of his accommodation etc?

If he wants to leave, I can't see why he's got to give notice.
I could do this now for you, but it's really down to you to be a sleuth and check the resignation procedure for leaving the Army so early.
Chat Gpt will give you the answers or the army website.

I'm sorry but he's either spun you a yarn or he's a Walter Mitty figure who doesn't know his own mind which is not a good start for a relaitonship.

That is correct BUT it took me 5mins to find that info online. (He could do the same)

Has he not been there for 28 days yet?

On 30/11 you posted to say he'd gone to Catterick a few days before. So somewhere between maybe 25-28 Nov.

I find it hard to understand why his 28 days won't be up by the end of December which means he can hand his notice in before the end of this month and he can leave by mid-January not February.

Have you not thought about this?

There is no 'hoping to get out by February' because the process is quite clear. He can leave 14 days after submitting his resignation, once he's served 28 days.

Sorry, but this has all the vibes of a romance scam. He’ll be posted in remote places - or maybe that’s a cover for he’s got another family and a string of other women.

You’ve only been with him 5 minutes. Proceed with your eyes wide open.

Because he only served 2 weeks before the holidays then he goes back 5th Jan and he's got to do another 16 days before he can serve notice + 14 days. So that takes us to Feb. The maths he told me makes sense.

Apparently someone who he knows serving another part of the army suggested they can occasionally make this difficult for you or try to persuade you to stay, but he said he doesn't understand why they'd do this as it'd be a waste of time on both sides.

Read my other updates. Also we know each other through mutual contacts. Not quite sure what he'd be trying to scam me for??

OP, I've read all your posts and have no idea why everyone's so convinced that you should be wary of this guy. You've explained over and over that you have mutual friends who have backed up his story. I think MN has just decided that he's a scamming liar and isn't about to let the truth get in the way. I'd probably stop posting if I were you, there doesn't seem much point!

Good luck with getting to know him; it's nice that you can take things slowly now.

I know you say you have mutual friends but he’s a walking red flag. In 6 weeks he’s started and left his dream job. Are you sure he started training and hasn’t been sacked from a job? He sounds flaky as fuck.

So did his 2 weeks leave start last Friday perhaps?

I'd still be wary of someone like him who doesn't appear to know his own mind. OR who'd had a fantasy about the army life and has had a reality check within 2 weeks.

You said you weren't going to reveal the reasons for his leaving but they are quite important.

Many men who join up later in life have had some experience via the TA so they get a flavour of it.

He'll be unemployed so what's his plan next?

I don't think his 'friend' is reliable.
The process is set out online and very clear.

2 weeks' notice if you have been there for 28 days up to 3 months.
You can leave sooner than 28 days but that is often for the wrong reasons and needs CO's approval.

I don’t think it sounds strange at all. It’s a very certain type of person who joins the paras and typically much younger, I imagine it’s just not for him. There’s a reason you can get out at this stage. You don’t know what it is like until you are in it and it happens often

The thing is, you don't know if any of this is true.
You're saying that out of the 3 weeks he 's been there, he was out of action, because of being ill, unable to speak [to you?], not allowed to see a dr etc. so he's only really had 1 week of training.

Hmmm.

And in your previous post you mentioned him moving back within a few months.
So if he leaves in late January, why is he staying- and where- in Catterick?

You sound super-bright and caring but my gut feeling is you're being taken for a ride. Too much of what you know is from him, with no proof at all.

I hope I'm wrong and it all works out but I'm really not convinced.

He sounds a bit of a wimp re. the army training- cold, rain etc- compared to the alpha male action man you described in your first posts.