Long winded text I've written to send to a man I like, thoughts?!

[BeBe05]

Hi T , because I've felt like this since last December. Would you like to come over for a drink some time? (When the kids are in bed) I know you probably won't , but just in case you do want to get to know me better, I thought I'd ask. As I know this is awkward. If you don't reply I'll take it as a no. And when I next see you , please be the same as before , although I may laugh. Because that's what I do when I'm embarrassed. Also, please don't tell anyone either way.
Also, I'm guessing no. Feels like when I was 8 years old and I told a boy called Lawrence in my class I Iiked him, I was so innocent. He called me a pig and broke my little heart. I still am innocent. I feel this maybe this again but hopefully without you calling me a pig. A thing I've made up in my head, because you are a polite man who doesn't gruff at me and surprises me when you talk from your heart. I've.not been use to that apart from with my brother's . P never would. Also, he would call me expletives most days, so any man not doing that would unfortunately gain my interest. God what an essay.
Don't reply please as I know it's completely crazy .
Also, just so you know every time you waved hello at me in the morning on the school run in your van. You made a woman who had so low self esteem feel just a little bit better about herself. Like she mattered enough to be noticed. Thanks for that.
And, also please don't be weird with me after this , as I really was hoping to ask you if you could help with the training at school (if your doing that) as my younger two go to bed at 7:30 .
Anyway , have a nice evening , and also thanks for how much you give to L at football, your a good guy.

Yes.

And to echo a really important point made by a poster above— when you fancy someone, don’t try to attract their attention by trying to make them feel sorry for you by displaying your vulnerability to them.

It will put off a good person on the grounds of ethics alone, and attract abusers, because you’ve revealed yourself to be an obvious target with poor self-esteem and low standards.

I think the single most concerning thing about this whole thread is your original message for your neighbour, where you compare yourself to your eight year old self being called a ‘pig’ by a boy you liked and then flipping straight ahead to ‘P’, whom I assume is your ex-DH of 20 years and the father of your children, calling you by expletives most days, and how ‘any man not doing that would unfortunately gain my interest’.

You might as well say ‘I’m a fragile, childlike creature just out of an abusive marriage, and up for a relationship with anyone who mistreats me slightly less.’

Also concerning that you paint your neighbour as an ‘aloof bad boy with a good heart’. Bluntly, you can’t possibly know about his heart.

But he doesn't reply to your texts and stood you up when he was meant to be coming round to do DIY....?

If this guy lives 5 doors away and wanted to go out with you he would already have asked in my view.

I'd be very very skeptical about bringing him into your home to drink with small children asleep in bed, both for your safety and theirs.

Just because he lives nearby doesn't mean he's safe to invite into your home, especially with children present - their safety has to be your first priority.

What do you even know about him and his background?
Was he married / with a partner in the past?
Does he have children of his own?

Does he have a job?
If not, avoid him like the plague, the last thing you need is a middle-aged man looking for somewhere to park his butt for an easy life.
(My younger sister got caught out this way with a male nurse she worked with who moved in with her and her daughter and didn't pay any rent for 2 years - total loser...)

There are lots of men happy to take advantage of single mothers because they are vulnerable - don't jump from the frying pan into the fire.

If he fancied you he would have leapt at the opportunity to do DIY as a way of getting closer, even if he’s not particularly good at it.

And you always reply to the texts of people you fancy.

You’re playing the victim a bit here as the responses aren’t what you want. No one said he didn’t like you. But liking a neighbour and someone whose kid you need to interact with is very different to fancying them and wanting to be romantically involved.

you seem to be fantasising about this man as some form of emotional crutch, where you can dump all your baggage on and he’s going to be there for you, and also shag you and be your boyfriend.

the man may greet you, chat to you, but he also doesn’t respond to texts and stands you up. It really isn’t the sign of a man who wants a romantic relationship and your intensity round him is bordering on concerning, you’re all but moving into baby reindeer territory with how much you think about him, obsess about him and want to offload on him.

ask him if he fancies a drink sometime. See what he says, do it on text. Any man who is interested will respond. Do not offload all your emotional baggage and run at him like he’s your next husband and the solution to all your problems.

I really value all this advice, thanks . And also really helpful to learn how I may be coming across,. I think it is completely desperate, and when it settles for a few days I feel better . I will see him tonight and hope I'm able to read the situation better

Also haven't watched baby reindeer, maybe I should!

See if you can casually ask him if he fancies a coffee when you see him this evening. It’s best to know and you won’t embarrass yourself if he isn’t interested

Have you read all her posts?

He's let her down several times by not turning up to do DIY and not replied to her texts.

@BeBe05 It's great you seem to be getting your head around this!

However, if you continue to fantasise about this man and try to engineer a meeting you risk compounding the negative feelings you have about yourself.

Sometimes in your posts you come across as if you WANT to be rejected to confirms your own 'victim' mindset (ie 'I'm not attractive and who would want me'.)

Consciously or sub-consciously, you're very focused on a man who is 99% not interested in you romantically, based on his behaviour.

You're still in the mindset of who you were as an unhappy child and the partner of an abuser for 20 years.

I know this sounds perverse, but you seem to be attracted to men who treat you badly (this man/ neighbour has treated you badly by letting you down, even as a friend.) It's your 'comfort zone' to try to replicate what you're used to- being treated badly. You've never experienced normal loving relationships.

Or that's how it seems when you're pursuing a man who is not available emotionally for you.

Some how you have to break this cycle and value yourself. Please think about therapy if you can afford it. Many trainee counsellors work for a very low fee but are supervised by their trainers. Think about it!

I have read her posts but I thought it would help her to settle it one way or the other rather than ruminating over it indefinitely.

What @SantasBiggestHelper said, especially...

if you continue to fantasise about this man and try to engineer a meeting you risk compounding the negative feelings you have about yourself
And Somehow you have to break this cycle and value yourself.

'The Six Pillars of Self Esteem' is a book you might find useful, @BeBe05 - though I also feel you should try and get counselling.