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Original poster

Am I being too sensitive about not being engaged after 8 years?

155 replies

effiedora381 · 09/11/2025 15:05

I don’t know if I’m just being hormonal due to it being time of the month soon or if this is something more.

I have 3 young children with my partner and we have been together now for nearly 8 years. We have a home together, children so a whole life. We aren’t engaged and while I don’t wish to have a huge pricey wedding (I only have a couple of close friends and we don’t have a big family) I would like to get engaged and go on to get married eventually.

We have kept putting off getting engaged as the kids are so young (I don’t want to get married straight away but this has always been the excuse). I feel like I’m in a small minority of people, especially as I’m only in my 20s, whose long term partner hasn’t proposed to them.

We were at a family friend event last week and my SIL asked him when he was going to pop the question, he turned round laughed and said “erm, no” which was followed by laughter from a family friend I was sorting one of the kids at the time so pretended not to hear but I was obviously so embarrassed.

I’ve spoken to him about it today and just said do you see us getting engaged etc, to be met with “it will happen just not yet” so I’m now like am I overacting, do I need to just wait it out or am I just asking for the bare minimum and not getting it?

OP posts:
Noshadelamp · 09/11/2025 15:10

Honestly at your stage in the relationship with kids, house etc you don't need to have a proposal.
You need a straightforward talk with him stating you want to get married, and what are his objections.
Take the bull by the horns and ask him straight up where the relationship stands, and how important marriage is to you.

He needs to face his options and you deserve clarity on where he stands, otherwise he's going to strong you along for years.

You deserve to know where you stand so you can decide what you want to do with that information.

Brightbluesomething · 09/11/2025 15:11

If the suggestion of proposing to you is laughable, then there’s your answer. It won’t happen and he’s future faking you.
There’s also no benefit to him if you have kids and a home together.
So you need to decide whether this is what you want and act accordingly.

TheBirches · 09/11/2025 15:15

OP, I'm going to ask what I always ask on these threads. Why, if getting married is so important to you, did you have three children with someone without doing it? You're way past the blushingly oblivious girl surprised at a beauty spot by a ring box -- you've committed to this man by having three children with him! Just start to plan a wedding. Take some agency in your own life.

Seaoftroubles · 09/11/2025 15:18

If not now when? You are as good as married but without commitment on paper! Don't bother about an engagement as that could drag on for years, just tell him you want to get married and if he refuses better to know now. I hope the property is in your joint names and that you are on the Deeds?

Gottocopebymyself · 09/11/2025 15:18

Brightbluesomething · 09/11/2025 15:11

If the suggestion of proposing to you is laughable, then there’s your answer. It won’t happen and he’s future faking you.
There’s also no benefit to him if you have kids and a home together.
So you need to decide whether this is what you want and act accordingly.

Totally agree with this.
He is obviously not interested in marriage There is no incentive for him to marry you.
You must think about what is best for you and your future but don't demean yourself by pushing a man to marry you when he obviously doesn't want to.

Sweetbeansandmochi · 09/11/2025 15:20

‘It will happen just not yet?’

8 years
3 kids
If you haven’t already made a life long commitment from your actions - what does he need to happen between ‘not yet’ and ‘yes let’s’. What is he expecting?, what does he think will change? What is he hoping for? What is he avoiding? Until you get some specifics from him it’s impossible to know how to move forward.

Sharptonguedwoman · 09/11/2025 15:20

Sad but relevant piece of advice, ‘If he wanted to, he would’. So he doesn’t want to, I’m afraid you need to find out and then decide what to do with that information. Sorry.

FancyCatSlave · 09/11/2025 15:22

He’s keeping his options open and doesn’t see you as a long term prospect. I hope you are not financially dependent as you may find yourself up shit creek in you 40’s.

ButtonMushrooms · 09/11/2025 15:22

Are you a SAHM @effiedora381? If so you need to go back to work full time as you are in an incredibly vulnerable position.

Followthesunshine · 09/11/2025 15:23

It's not unusual to not be engaged in your 20's but forget bothering with an engagement you have 3 children! Just get a marriage licence, book a date at the registry office and tell him you are getting married. If he doesn't agree then you have a decision to make about how you want to spend your life.

outerspacepotato · 09/11/2025 15:24

I agree with @Noshadelamp that it's time you sit down and find out for sure where you both stand and don't let him strong you already NG or future fake you with some vague response. Then when you get your answer, you decide what to do. Do your research on the advantages of marriage, such as being next of kin and able to make health decisions and tax benefits and such.

If he hasn't asked you to marry him in 8 years after 3 kids, I don't see it happening. It looks like he's not willing to marry you.

A good friend and I were widowed close to the same time and she had to jump through many hoops I didn't because they weren't legally married but had lived together for a couple decades.

fireandlightening · 09/11/2025 15:25

Not to be hard nosed about it, but you need marriage also to protect your (and his) financial interests. It isn't just a sign of commitment. Can I ask what your financial arrangements are with your partner?

No5ChalksRoad · 09/11/2025 15:26

FancyCatSlave · 09/11/2025 15:22

He’s keeping his options open and doesn’t see you as a long term prospect. I hope you are not financially dependent as you may find yourself up shit creek in you 40’s.

This 1,000 times.

I hope you have your own job and career.

Firefly100 · 09/11/2025 15:27

No you are not being sensitive. Clearly he doesn’t want to and I would proceed on the bases you will not be marrying. If you are happy to remain together on that basis then please make sure your house is jointly owned (assuming you are not renting) and make sure you are making equal contributions to your pension as he is (funded by him if necessary if you are working less to support the family). If he will not support those things and won’t marry you, you either need to concentrate on your career just as much as he does (and he does 50% of the work in the home) or I would not remain together. As otherwise he would be taking advantage of you.

Bigpakchoi · 09/11/2025 15:30

All PPs shared good advice above - please consider your financial situation and start making plans - do you own your home? are you both on the mortgage? What about any savings? If you are not married then what is his is his - he does not have to give you a penny in event you break up. If the property is solely in his name then he can ask you to leave the property. If you are married you have financial protection as you would be entitled to 50 50 of both his and your assets or whatever split is agreed.
However if you are the better off or own the property - then best not to push for marriage with a man that say 'no' he won't propose. He has told you what he thinks and with little care for your feelings.
You sound a kind and thoughtful person OP and you deserve better. Wishing you the best.

KIttyKat1999 · 09/11/2025 15:31

I think if you want to get married, its perfectly reasonable for you to pull him for a grown up chat, you already have kids etc so he shouldn't have a problem with it

WearyAuldWumman · 09/11/2025 15:35

I've said this elsewhere on here. I had a boyfriend for 3 yrs. I got embarrassed when people referred to him as my fiancé because there had been no word of marriage - he'd told me that his 'dream' was for us each to have our own flat in the same city...

One day at work, a colleague mentioned my fiancé...

"Oh, he's not my fiancé - we're not engaged."

"How long have you been going out?"

"Three years..."

"Three years?! What's wrong with him?"

My colleague and I were married for 27 years.

@OP You are not being too sensitive. Good grief - you have family: you need the legal protection/rights of marriage.

SwanRivers · 09/11/2025 15:37

Before I even opened the thread I knew this would be yet another woman who has a house and kids with a man, yet marriage is apparently important.

It's frustrating that so many MNetters don't wise up to the fact you've already given him a wife and a marriage, but one that he can slide out of with far more ease should he wish to do so.

It's nothing to do with you being on a period.

Surely you must know he feels there's nothing in it for him and that's why he won't marry you?

Sorry if that's harsh, but it's the reality of it.

What you do now is up to you.

GloriaMonday · 09/11/2025 15:38

The time to bring it up was before planning the first baby.

Why do you want to get engaged? Being engaged won't change anything other than you'll probably get a new ring to wear.

You need to sell the marriage to him - the reasons why it will benefit both of you.

SwanRivers · 09/11/2025 15:40

GloriaMonday · 09/11/2025 15:38

The time to bring it up was before planning the first baby.

Why do you want to get engaged? Being engaged won't change anything other than you'll probably get a new ring to wear.

You need to sell the marriage to him - the reasons why it will benefit both of you.

You need to sell the marriage to him - the reasons why it will benefit both of you.

I bet he's got all the benefits he needs already.

And no doubt she's given the kids his surname and he'll be named on the birth certificates, so he has PR.

Sidebeforeself · 09/11/2025 15:44

SwanRivers · 09/11/2025 15:37

Before I even opened the thread I knew this would be yet another woman who has a house and kids with a man, yet marriage is apparently important.

It's frustrating that so many MNetters don't wise up to the fact you've already given him a wife and a marriage, but one that he can slide out of with far more ease should he wish to do so.

It's nothing to do with you being on a period.

Surely you must know he feels there's nothing in it for him and that's why he won't marry you?

Sorry if that's harsh, but it's the reality of it.

What you do now is up to you.

This.This. This.

And anyway, why do you WANT to be married to someone who cares so little for you to string you along like this?Its fine if he doesn’t want to get married but he should have the balls to say so.

Abracadabrador · 09/11/2025 15:46

Here's all the differences between the legal contact of marriage and just being housemates. You have no legal status or protections, the only legal commitment is whatever you signed for the house- a mortgage is a commitment to a bank.

Prioritise your financial independence, pension, property and future.

https://www.citizensadvice.org.uk/family/living-together-marriage-and-civil-partnership/living-together-and-marriage-legal-differences/

Living together and marriage - legal differences

Differences between how the law treats married and cohabiting couples including financial matters, responsibility for children and housing.

https://www.citizensadvice.org.uk/family/living-together-marriage-and-civil-partnership/living-together-and-marriage-legal-differences/

Jem446 · 09/11/2025 15:47

Sharptonguedwoman · 09/11/2025 15:20

Sad but relevant piece of advice, ‘If he wanted to, he would’. So he doesn’t want to, I’m afraid you need to find out and then decide what to do with that information. Sorry.

This, and I’m sorry - stable doors and all that spring to mind

TheaBrandt1 · 09/11/2025 15:47

Feel like banging my head on the table reading posts like this.

Just hope you have a full time job and have not compromised your career an inch for the sake of the family and are not relying on him financially at all. Also that the children all have your surname.

No5ChalksRoad · 09/11/2025 15:48

Sidebeforeself · 09/11/2025 15:44

This.This. This.

And anyway, why do you WANT to be married to someone who cares so little for you to string you along like this?Its fine if he doesn’t want to get married but he should have the balls to say so.

Show quote history

This.

If he’s not eagerly enthusiastic to marry you, why bother?

I’ll bet there are assets and/or a potential inheritance he doesn’t want to share.

You have zero claim on anything he owns. And he wants it that way.

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