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Original poster

Am I being too sensitive about not being engaged after 8 years?

155 replies

effiedora381 · 09/11/2025 15:05

I don’t know if I’m just being hormonal due to it being time of the month soon or if this is something more.

I have 3 young children with my partner and we have been together now for nearly 8 years. We have a home together, children so a whole life. We aren’t engaged and while I don’t wish to have a huge pricey wedding (I only have a couple of close friends and we don’t have a big family) I would like to get engaged and go on to get married eventually.

We have kept putting off getting engaged as the kids are so young (I don’t want to get married straight away but this has always been the excuse). I feel like I’m in a small minority of people, especially as I’m only in my 20s, whose long term partner hasn’t proposed to them.

We were at a family friend event last week and my SIL asked him when he was going to pop the question, he turned round laughed and said “erm, no” which was followed by laughter from a family friend I was sorting one of the kids at the time so pretended not to hear but I was obviously so embarrassed.

I’ve spoken to him about it today and just said do you see us getting engaged etc, to be met with “it will happen just not yet” so I’m now like am I overacting, do I need to just wait it out or am I just asking for the bare minimum and not getting it?

OP posts:
QuenchedSquirrel · 09/11/2025 16:36

effiedora381 · 09/11/2025 16:33

How am I passive? I’ve already said I had a conversation with him regarding it this morning. If I was passive it would have been slid under the carpet.

Waiting for a proposal for several years is very passive.

Chazbots · 09/11/2025 16:37

Yep, definitely reconsider this. You'd be more vulnerable if you marry in your circumstances, as half your house would be up for discussion in a divorce.

BreakingBroken · 09/11/2025 16:38

You need a lawyer to protect your assets and your workplace pension.
Skip the marriage get legal advice.
8 yrs, 3 kids way too long to let this slide.

WhyBothered · 09/11/2025 16:38

You own your own house. Why would risk you and your children's future stability by giving him marital rights over it?

Ponderingwindow · 09/11/2025 16:39

You need to go back to work. He doesn’t love you enough to protect you legally. You should not be relying on his good graces to protect you and your children.

Growlybear83 · 09/11/2025 16:40

If you’ve been living together for several years and with children together, why on earth would you want to get engaged? Surely you either get married or stay as you are - engagement is pointless!

EarthSight · 09/11/2025 16:41

We were at a family friend event last week and my SIL asked him when he was going to pop the question, he turned round laughed and said “erm, no” which was followed by laughter from a family friend I was sorting one of the kids at the time so pretended not to hear but I was obviously so embarrassed

This is relationship ending material.

In that moment he showed you exactly what he thought of you, and more than that, he was unafraid of expressing this in front of an audience, with you there. I understand people can blurt things out when they're put on the spot, but I have a feeling that this wasn't just a momentary panic. For whatever reason, he thinks that getting married to you is an preposterous idea worthy of laughter and contempt.

He is taking you for a fool I'm afraid. He has everything he wants - a roof over his head, you, and even children. As far as he's concerned, there is nothing in marriage for him. He will string you along for years and years, and if you take charge and actually book the registry office for a very basic wedding, I bet he will find ways to get out of it - 'but wouldn't you rather save to have a nicer /more special wedding' or the classic 'but it's only a piece of paper'.

PyongyangKipperbang · 09/11/2025 16:41

GloriaMonday · 09/11/2025 16:14

@effiedora381 , go back to work and don't marry him.

Yeah this.

The second that ring is on your finger half of that house is his. So bang goes your financial security.

Sadly if a man doesnt want to marry you, he wont ever want to marry you. Seen it so often. Together for years, kids, house the works. No ring. Split up and 6 months later he is planning his wedding to someone else.

Sorry.

SweepItUnderTheTrees · 09/11/2025 16:44

I don't think you can pre-nup in this country - given everyone is doing things much later in life these days you would see it in action far more often if it worked.

outerspacepotato · 09/11/2025 16:45

Time for you to go back to work.

Do not marry him. He found the idea laughable. Don't reward that thinking with half your home.

pikkumyy77 · 09/11/2025 16:52

I not only would not marry him but I would consider dating outside the relationship. I wouldn’t want to be treated like an old shoe by someone who I had had three children with. He is living rent free in your house and exploiting you for childbearing and child care. Kick him to the kerb. He will dump you eventually when a younger model with better prospects hoves into view.

Followthesunshine · 09/11/2025 16:53

I have just seen your update that you own your house - so I would not get married! You have financial security and a partner lukewarm to marriage - i would not risk my own financial security with 3 children to support if the relationship did ever break down

Thatpastalife · 09/11/2025 17:00

I heard two men talking at work, one giving advice to the other as he was younger and just got in a potentially serious relationship. He said and I’m not joking “Don’t marry her til the kids are 18 then she can’t fuck you over, you don’t have to give her anything, thats what I’m doing with my partner, she’s got 7 more years til she gets a ring out of me.” I mean I wanted to call his girlfriend and BEG her to leave the slimy prick, I was speaking to my husband about it and he was like ‘yes they won’t say it to their partners, but generally that will be the thought process with long term, non married men.’
BIN HIM once your ducks are in a row, you are worth so much more. There is someone out there that will walk through fire for you and this man ain’t it.

SirChenjins · 09/11/2025 17:02

Get back to work asap, and have a sit down, serious conversation about getting married or having a civil partnership. Fix a date to sign the paperwork. Don't be swayed by 'I want the proposal to be right' crap, this is about protecting you and your children legally. If he drags his heels then you have 2 choices. 1, stay with a man who wants the benefits of family life but none of the legal commitments, or 2, leave him.

GloriaMonday · 09/11/2025 17:02

I had a whole career, I’m a qualified teacher which I have given up due to having such young children (each child is a year and a half apart) I will be honest I am lucky in that fact I have financial security in the fact that my house is owned by myself due to inheritance, however day to day I do rely on his wage.
Not much of one yet if you are still in your 20s.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 09/11/2025 17:08

Go back to work and end this relationship. He is never going to marry you and to him you’re the she will do for now woman. I presume that these children have his surname - yet more power all too freely handed over to him if this is the case. You’ve sleepwalked into this and now you’re finally beginning to wake up.

You are in a poor position legally speaking as a SAHM and I would seek legal device re protecting your house from him asap. You need to make a will too and your solicitor will advise you re this.

stomachamelon · 09/11/2025 17:20

@effiedora381 how long did you teach for? I would be going back to work and get your own money.

IdaGlossop · 09/11/2025 17:44

effiedora381 · 09/11/2025 16:33

How am I passive? I’ve already said I had a conversation with him regarding it this morning. If I was passive it would have been slid under the carpet.

Passive by not taking the initiative before you had children by having a conversation about your future and now, eight years on, waiting to be asked 'for your hand in marriage' when you could be...having a conversation about your future. You started the conversation this morning with a single question and, from your account, went silent after receiving a dismissive response. Not a lot of action by you in there.

HedgehogCrisps · 09/11/2025 17:53

Don't marry him OP. For a start he clearly doesn't want to and as other posters have said, you'll place yourself financially vulnerable.

AlisonLittle · 09/11/2025 18:42

Marriage isn't for everyone, lots are married in package holiday wedding then divorced in much less than 8 years

LondonLady1980 · 09/11/2025 19:23

You say the house is yours OP, so I’m assuming no mortgage?

But he pays for all the bills and food etc as you have no income?

How long had this set-up being going on for?

I don’t know how these things work but I have seen many threads where even in situations like these the guy has a ‘claim’ to the house even if the relationship breaks down as he’s funded the running of it for ‘x’ amount of years.

In your situation OP I would get yourself back to work because you have no legal protection, but at the same time, if he decides to just walk out tomorrow you have no way of supporting yourself, your children and keeping the house going.

Sharptonguedwoman · 09/11/2025 19:33

GloriaMonday · 09/11/2025 16:14

@effiedora381 , go back to work and don't marry him.

Agreed

jackdunnock · 09/11/2025 21:24

So you propose to him then. If he says "not yet" instead of a straight yes or no, then put a date on it - eg. some time in 2027. Reality is though, if he wanted to marry you he'd have proposed before now.

Quantumfisiks · 09/11/2025 22:47

SweepItUnderTheTrees · 09/11/2025 16:44

I don't think you can pre-nup in this country - given everyone is doing things much later in life these days you would see it in action far more often if it worked.

You can pre- nup. And in England and wales pre- nups have been upheld. They very much hold weight.

i think it’s still something mainly just done by the wealthy. But OP would be very wise to do it.

I think anyone who is coming into a marriage with a lot of money should do it.

Lionsandtigersandbears7 · 09/11/2025 23:05

effiedora381 · 09/11/2025 16:12

I had a whole career, I’m a qualified teacher which I have given up due to having such young children (each child is a year and a half apart) I will be honest I am lucky in that fact I have financial security in the fact that my house is owned by myself due to inheritance, however day to day I do rely on his wage.

I never really regarded marriage as important for me, however seeing close people to me getting engaged etc has sparked something in me and has made me think.

Wait
You didn't say this in your original post
This was very important information you left out .
So no ,don't marry him in this situation
Once your back at full time work ,you don't need to marry a man ,who clearly doesn't want to marry you .
It really helps if people give the full information in their first post , because it effects the replies people give

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